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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Why do men find it hard to be friends?      Home login  
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 Kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 7
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?Page 1 of 44    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
I've been in the reverse of this...met a guy from here. He's not bad looking, funny, hard worker, in general a guy I would want to get to know and potentially date. We met and in the course of the first conversations we had he basically made it clear that he wasn't ready for a relationship but was cool with being friends. Quite honestly, I'm not here for friends. I'm here to date and find a significant other.
Mind you, it's not that I don't think that friendship can lead to dating or for that matter that friendship is really at the core of any relationship. I have friends that I have had for years, they know my deepest secrets, things I don't need to share with anyone unless I am getting into a deeper relationship with them.
I always equate it to this...say I'm on here for a year or so, and in that time I meet 10 guys, 3 of them become "friends", we hang out, do stuff together, whatever. NO, I don't mean FWB. Now guy 11 comes along, he is Mr. Perfect for me. I would now feel awkward hanging with other guys, even if it was only as friends. The guy friends that I do have now are ones that I have had for years and they are the type that would understand if I backed off for a while if I were establishing a new relationship, just like my closest female friends understand.
I guess it's just that I don't have the time to build new freindships for the sake of only friendship while I am looking to date.
 Genuine_Gentleman_For_You
Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 11
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/19/2009 11:18:48 PM
I see no reason not to become friends with women. Of course we are on here hoping to make a romantic connection. But if you go on a date, and one, and/or both don't feel a romantic connection, though otherwise find that you both enjoy each others company, then why not become platonic friends? Nothing wrong with that in my opinion.
 SingleGuy4912
Joined: 7/25/2006
Msg: 12
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/19/2009 11:55:57 PM
Does anyone have any insight - am I doing something wrong?

Not without knowing the conversations that transpired between the two of you before deciding to meet.

My guess would be that you're deciding to meet guys based primarily on whether or not you're physically attracted to them and nothing else. And/or maybe that's what the guy is doing as well.

In order to be friends, you have to have things in common like interests, hobbies, outlook on life, sense of humour, whatever. You have things in common with your current friends, do you not?

Maybe you just need to ask better questions before agreeing to meet the guy. Try to get a handle on what his reasons are for meeting you. You know that sex is on his mind but what else is there?
 Backlolz
Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 13
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 2:57:19 AM
If we want to go to a football game we want to go with the guys.

yea but if you play foot ball... you'd want a girl there so you can pick her on your team just to make fun of the losers who can't play...
 fastdogphotog
Joined: 5/27/2008
Msg: 18
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 7:19:54 AM
OP I think I know where you are coming from, and while I don't think you are doing anything wrong, I think you are definitely going against the current and might want to adjust your expectations accordingly.

As other posters have written, the majority of guys you will meet off here will likely have no real interest in being friends. So when you tell them that is all you have to offer, they may take it as a personal rejection, in which case they will be offended, or they will take it as a challenge to convince you otherwise, in which case they will keep trying. And then, of course, there are those that just don't listen. There are some exceptions - guys that are open to making friends just as much as looking for dating or something more. If you read through enough of the forums you will find several. But as someone else posted, they are the exceptions.

So I am not surprised at what you have experienced. But I can tell you from my own personal experiences, both on here and IRL - those exceptions - those few people who are not wedded to their agenda, who are open to something other than what they are looking for, tend to be more interesting, more complex, and more balanced than those that proceed on one track and one track only. IME they tend to appreciate the journey for its own sake, just as much, or more than the destination. So while they may be few and far between, they are worth finding.

Good luck and keep fishing!
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 19
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 7:31:15 AM
Men don't go on a DATING site looking for friends. Why are you confused that a man you're not interested in dating doesn't want to be "just friends"?
 startle
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 22
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 9:17:35 AM
if you are looking for a man who is only a friend...look for a man who finds the mere thought of having sex with you completely disgusting...i am sure when you are looking for a guy to be just a friend this is what you look for...if you are really turned on by a guy you would want him for a boyfriend...men are the same way...
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 24
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 11:47:14 AM
Since you are in your profile here, officially and mostly here for dating, I would suggest that you actively separate your search for male friends from that. The best way I can think of to do that, is NOT to ask anyone who contacts you for a date, to become a friend instead. As one young man tried to point out, you are 'disrespecting' what those guys are contacting you for, and in guyland (especially amongst the younger men) you are actually giving one of the most painful putdowns when you tell a hopeful guy "let's be Friends!"
Instead, do your OWN looking for guys to be friends with, by searching for people (preferably too far away to get their hopes up for a date) who have at least indicated in their profile that they are interested in something other than finding a mate.
Finding someone in your area to be friends with will likely be trickier, but it can be done. You just need to be more patient, since looking for young male FRIENDS on a DATING site is bound to be problematic at best.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 26
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 12:16:59 PM
Well, SOME of us are here for friends as well, but chitownguy's point is otherwise not entirely inaccurate.
It IS a matter for the OP to see the big picture, to see both sides of the situation more clearly, and not focus entirely on her own side of the issue. She'll get it when she does.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 27
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 12:29:32 PM
conscious love (OP),

Something you need to understand.... ESPECIALLY on a dating site, you can't expect to meet new guys out of the blue to be just friends. That's laughable. Or if you go out to meet for the first time, aren't attracted (that is the 'whatever' reason), you can't continue things to 'get SOMETHING out of my time & energy' by being just friends. That's kind of selfish, isn't it? He wasn't looking for friends, and neither were you.

What you are doing wrong is applying 'friendship' to the equation of spending time with the opposite sex from a dating site. It's like trying to mix oil and water.

Now, a guy may be cool about being "Friends" -- but not JUST friends. If a guy's going to hang out with you one-on-one, he's attracted to you. Attraction means SEXUAL attraction. It's a waste of HIS time (and yours, actually) to be just friends with a girl he's attracted to from a dating site. Yes, he should walk away if you want to be just friends, but at the same time, there's this oddity -- why does she want to hang out with me then? Maybe it's that she doesn't want to date me -right now-. Unless you -clearly- say "I'm not attracted to you, I'm not going to ever want to date you", -without- anything else contradicting that, hanging out with him again one-on-one is going to cause problems for him and you.

You become friends with someone of the opposite sex among social groups or whatever... that's a development process with someone you already know of. And from that, once in a great while, sure, you can be close friends. That usually requires a lack of sexual attraction by -both- parties. Or maybe forum pen-pals chit-chatting. That kind of stuff. But don't do the one-on-one "friends" thing -- I think that's a complete waste of time, as you've seen already! :)
 GQSunset
Joined: 2/28/2009
Msg: 28
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 1:44:18 PM
Find gay guys to be friends with and that will solve your problem, they are at least as interesting and WILL NEVER want to hit on you, problem solved.

Straight men will not want to be friends with you after being rejected because they will always feel like they are being played, and that they were never good enough for you so being friends with you while you galavant in your search for the ONE, will only serve to hurt them more.

It's like getting the milk for free so why pay for it????
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 29
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 2:49:19 PM
my odds so far of meeting bf material - 25 : 1
That's actually not bad odds, considering how easy it is for women on here to arrange meets--if you went on 4 meets a week, you'd have a partner in a month and a half.

Is there a way i can approach things differently and up my odds of making a friend?
Quite honestly, there are much better ways for a woman to meet men friends (and spend WAY less time too and have fun too). Why go through the romantic pretense of arranging to meet men for dates first if your primary intent is to meet men in order to befriend them? Meet men in male dominated activity clubs like hiking clubs, bicycling clubs, bowling, local poker leagues, etc. or at church.

You say it's not what you want, but you'll settle for it. What would make you settle for it?
The only way I'd "settle" for friendship via PoF is if the woman made an effort to hook me up with a hottie friend of hers. Otherwise for most guys it's a total waste of time. You'd be looking for a needle in a haystack to find a guy on here on wants to befriend a woman who jerks him around romantically and then decides the guy is "friend-worthy".

just be ruthless... time my coffee dates with a stopwatch, limit my email contact... meet for the first coffee and if they're not 'the one' just walk out like a heartless b*tch?just be ruthless... time my coffee dates with a stopwatch, limit my email contact... meet for the first coffee and if they're not 'the one' just walk out like a heartless b*tch?
If you really feel like you are wasting time with coffee dates, why don't you do some better potential partner screening before going on your coffee meets? Or take some initiative and look through the list of guys and select one or a few who particularly tickle your fancy, and them invite THEM out on date, instead of whining on an internet forum about how you go out with 25 guys and only find 1 of them romantically acceptable??? Otherwise, you aren't a heartless bitch if you just tell the dude upfront at the beginning of the coffee meet that you don't see romance in the picture. Then politely enjoy the remainder of your coffee if the guy doesn't want to end the meet right there. Better to do that rather than string the guy along having him think you are interested in him while you're just feigning the interest.
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 30
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 5:14:02 PM
I don't know about most men, but honestly its hard to be with someone you liked. Do you know how painful it is to talk to someone you like only to hear them B&^%h about how they can't find a dude when there is one right in front of them. I don't know about women or most men, i just know for some of us you can't turn that "attraction" off. The men I know only will be friends with women they didn't like from the start, and even then they still may sleep with that "friend" depending on the situation.
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 32
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 6:54:34 PM
I'd be very interested in hearing the OP's definition of "friends".





~ds~
 Nathan_x
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 33
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 7:04:07 PM
I've known some ladies who weren't too fond of just being friends either. And they too said they were okay with it initially. It does cut both ways.

I guess the bottom line is in some way you ARE rejecting them. It's a dating site. This isn't like real life where you just casually met and no one expressed interest in the other. The premise of your meeting these people was dating and essentially you've communicated, "you're not good enough".

But why would you even want to be friends with a guy you know is into you?
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 34
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 7:14:43 PM
Men who are looking to date have enough friends. They are looking for love or companionship or sex. Not someone to go bowling with.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 35
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 7:38:19 PM
I have made several and I think a big part of it is that both people recognize that they aren't right for dating but make an excellent friend.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 44
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 11:46:59 AM
I didn't read all the posts that followed the OP, but I'm not here to
make friends and I suspect that there are many others here that feel
the same way.
If people are on a dating site looking for friends, that's cool, but
it certainly can't be expected that everyone here is.
I've collected a lot of friends in my life time so far. I have family and
I have a job. I can honestly say I don't have as much time as I would
like with the friends and family I have now (I'm pretty sure my friends
would also agree with this) so it's not my intention to collect more.
If I meet someone here and we don't hit it off romantically, I don't
expect to remain friends with them.
I could never hear "let's be friends" again and be perfectly happy.
It's not something I like to hear when I meet someone I genuinely
like and had hoped to pursue a relationship with.
But that's just my opinion. I say do what works for you.
The I don't want to be friends concept is pretty easy for me to
understand though.
 big pacific
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 46
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 12:19:58 PM

Come on you guys! WHO on planet earth hasn't been rejected by someone they liked? Generally i like interesting people, so if they want to be friends even AFTER I try to put a move on... I'm happy - cuz they're cool people. In fact, one of my best friends was a guy who I TOTALLY tried to put the moves on. He TOTALLY rejected me... but then we became friends and now I'm so happy we didn't get it on because he's the type of guy who can't be friends with someone he's had sex with...


Well, heres MY personal feelings on the matter. You are starting the friendship off as a consolation prize. Sure everyone gets a trophy in t-ball, but it means nothing. To be relegated to just a friend and then ask the guy to stare down rejection every time he sees you? Your odds won't be good.

I have about a half a dozen "friends" that are women, and none of them are as close as my guy friends, I'm SURE there are women out there that are kickass friends, but here's some truth.

Men and women communicate differently.

If i got dumped by some girl, I don't even TELL my friends that are girls, they won't get that i just wanna forget about it and move on, not talk about how it crumbled and hash out my feelings. My buddies that are guys will take me out and buy me a shot and bust my balls that I didn't bang her good enough or something, which for ME, works better. I relate to humor, and despite what a LOT of women think, most straight women aren't very funny to men, or at all.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 47
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 3:28:38 PM
"Why do men find it hard to be friends?"
--------------

Men and women CAN'T be friends. It's that simple.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 48
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 3:54:35 PM
Quite simply, if there is a one sided interest that comes from corresponding here, it's not always easy for the interested party to flip a switch and suddenly be able to stay friends with someone they once wanted more from.

Men in this situation have two options:

1. Decline the friendship because they want more than friendship.
2. Agree to the friendship hoping that:
a. They will get used to it and lose romantic interest
b. You will in time become interested in more, making it an investment.

Most men will either stick it out hoping you'll come around, or cut all ties because they know they can't hang out with you in any other capacity.

Since a lot of men tend to become interested over time, and a lot of women never gradually become attracted if they aren't from day one, and all humans tend to project from where they stand, men assume they'll grow on a woman if they stick around, and women assume men will understand and be able to adjust to friendship with no further advances.

And yes, I understand some men know from day one they won't be interested further and some women can gradually become attracted to a guy they had no interest in on day one, but it's just more commonly the other way around.

I also can switch gears when I meet a man I have interest in but it's not mutual -so you can imagine my surprise when I learned not everyone else can do this, and yes I got frustrated with this too - but when someone drops out of the picture after knowing I have no interest, I don't fight it - it beats having to have a talk with some guy every month to remind him I still don't see him as more than a friend.
 chrisofpa
Joined: 8/28/2009
Msg: 49
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 4:03:22 PM
Concious Love said


Come on you guys! WHO on planet earth hasn't been rejected by someone they liked? Generally i like interesting people, so if they want to be friends even AFTER I try to put a move on... I'm happy - cuz they're cool people. In fact, one of my best friends was a guy who I TOTALLY tried to put the moves on. He TOTALLY rejected me... but then we became friends and now I'm so happy we didn't get it on because he's the type of guy who can't be friends with someone he's had sex with...


First of all, men and women are wired differently. The no sex/friends thing worked for you. Great. However, the dynamics when applied to relationships going in the other direction are not simply a mirror image of your experience.

For guys, the dreaded LJBF (let's just be friends) is the 5.5th circle of hell according to the lesser known edition of Dante's Inferno. What it means essentially consists of some or all of the following from the woman to the 'man'.

1. Ohhhhh I now have another girlfriend
2. You will never get any... ever
3. You failed to generate attraction. I do not get excited about you.

What I think happens is that the LJBF is a defense mechanism at often allows a woman to reject a guy relationally/sexually without being overt about it. Guys will often think "Hey, if I'm her friend long enough, things (ie the horizontal tango) will happen". However, that is almost never the case. Once you are branded with the LJBF, it is tattooed on the guy's forehead forever in the eyes of the woman.

Now, as far as POF is concerned, if a woman's profile is not Dating or LTR, (ie friends/chat/hang out ) then some guys will get into it.

I also think some of it depends on the scope of the 'friends' part. If the idea is that the woman expects the guy to act like a girlfriend, listen to all of her problems and be a footstool, then a lot of us won't go for that. If there is something deeper like a passion about politics or some common activity or interest, then that might be a little different.
 LongAfterDark
Joined: 5/17/2008
Msg: 51
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 4:42:26 PM
Guys don't want to be friends with you because it is immasulating. "Well I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole but you're really INTERESTING. Lets go for coffee and then later you can go jack off or whatever you're into while I go home to my boyfriend who i think is much hotter than you and have sex with him."
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 52
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 7:22:25 PM
concious love,

I think a lot of what people are saying is that you have no room to complain about things blowing up in your face trying to be "a friend" to a guy you reject. Most do not want to be your friend. Some of them will still try to, to get a 'chance' in. You don't go to a dating site to be a one-on-one friend... you're playing with fire, and nobody's going to give you sympathy for getting burned, that's all. :)
 yourstillhere
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 53
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 7:23:07 PM
alot of men have their permanent friendship circles all built by the time they`re in their thirties if not before and the addition of others will come much less often after that and only if they can offer high value such as you have alot of hot single friends money or you are good at sports.

otherwise for the most part men will have difficulty finding value in friendships with women because we dont operate on the same friendship wavelength.
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