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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.      Home login  
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 MsTennis
Joined: 6/26/2007
Msg: 1
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I just broke up with a guy who had the need to keep in touch with all his female friends. Some were newly found on Facebook and others were females he had already been speaking to before he met me. I don't mean 2 0r 3..I mean at least 1o. Some are married and some are single. One evening, he left his email open at my house and I found that he was having an open dialogue with 2 very attractive woman for weeks. He was not only writing to them but he was also stroking their egos..For example..He would tell one of the woman how pretty she was. I told him if he continued these email relationships, I would break up with him. In addition, he was texting and calling woman. One woman who was coming in from another state asked him if she can stay at his place. I told him it was out of the question. He would constantly say that I was jealous and extreme. I think it was very disrespectful to me. I, on the other hand do not have email buddies that are men that I have an open dialogue with. I don't have the need to be in touch with my past relationships. He does. He was in touch with a woman he dated back in high school and in sleep away camp. He would go out with them to concerts and dinner. I would never do this to him with any men. I think it is hurtful. This was a big issue that led to breaking up with him. I need some feedback here.
 cherylbarnes
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 2
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 6:17:11 PM
I personally don't agree with you. But if those are important issues to you then you did the right thing in breaking up with him.
 adventurousme57
Joined: 3/29/2008
Msg: 3
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 6:17:58 PM
I have to agree with your decision. It sounds like he has a huge need for acceptance and attention from other women...like a bottomless pit. With someone like that, you will never be the only one even if he's being monogamous. It would be difficult for any woman I know of to tolerate such behavior.

Occasional contact with a long-time friend would be a whole other thing...
 damassteel
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 4
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 6:25:57 PM
This is a tough one. I've been married, inLTR's and all the rest. Sometimes you can trust and other times you gotta go with your gut if it's not feeling right. At the very least you've let him know how you feel about the sitch. I'm in touch with lot's females from my past, but my GF is not fazed in the least...she just doesn't see them as her competition in any way. Me too with the guys she's tight with. Maybe he's getting something he doesn't get with you? That's not neccesarily a bad thing, as long as he's all above board with it and not doing any thing to truly disrespect your relationship. How long have you guys been going out? Maybe you're new and "honeymooning"and it just feels a bit too threatening...just asking. Anyway comunication is key as always.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 5
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 6:26:13 PM
I think he was disrespectful.
I too have female freinds.
But my dealings with em are in the open with whoever I'm seeing.
And I'm mindful not make who I'm with jealous.

For instance, one close female freind called me when I was with my girl.
So I said "This is my girl, say hi". And handed the phone over.
They chatted a long while before I got my phone back.
If I am to be somewhere with a girl who is a freind I ask my SO to go along if she wants.
Just common sense.
And yes....respect.
 Kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 6
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 6:27:17 PM
The only points I agree with you on is the woman coming in from out of town staying at his place, unless of course there is a guest room and you happen to be staying with him or living there. That and I don't really see the need to meet or find new friends of the opposite sex when in a committed relationship, but it depends on why he feels the need to seek them out.
Other than that, his having female friends from before you met is his business.
On some level it was jealous and extremely controlling of you.
One of two things going on...he simply has an easier time relating to women asnd chooses female friends over male friends. That, or you were not stimulating him enough, whether intelectually or physically, to feel that you were the only woman he needed in his life.
 indefatigabilis
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 7
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 6:35:23 PM
What good would it do him to trade all of his other friendships in for just one that kept him isolated?
 KnotUrFuturex
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 8
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 6:37:18 PM
First question..... do you have any male friends??? Any at all??

I don't expect my woman to NEVER have male friends.... Nor should she expect me to not have ANY female friends.... What I DO expect is that all opposite gender friends to be made fully aware of our existence as "a couple"..... "Inclusion" is the primary directive. I have had many female friends since high school and college. Most of them are married. Their husbands not only know me.... but actually trust me enough to spend time with their wife because they know the extent of our relationship. But this is because I do things with them as a COUPLE as well. The man is ALSO my friend. They also know I'm not the type, out of respect to HIM, never cross boundaries, and in fact, be the type to encourage THEIR MARRIAGE. I'm the big lecture giver about 'keeping it together'....... Plus...and even more importantly.... there was never any 'chemistry' with the women other than just friends......We never 'dated' first and then just decided to be friends.....we were nothing BUT friends... To be honest.... MOST really do not have this sort of scenario. Most these days DATED first....and after sex (because this is the way most people now date....shoot first...ask questions later...) they decide to just become friends.

In your case... and for an example.... Had a female friend come into town and wanted to stay at my place.... my woman would be there as well...and the two of them can get to know each other. That's called HONESTY, TRUST, and RESPECT. If anything....a female friend who knew me that long would be able to probably tell her things about me that would actually help my woman understand me better..... The woman who visited would have to become the friend of my woman as well.... It seems so damn simple....but few understand this concept...... change that.... they understand it... they just choose to not abide by it because everybody wants their "independence" while trying to have a relationship. Not exactly the way I like things in my life... I like it simple. The only way is through honesty....

In this case.... either you're not conveying certain events with complete information, and only presenting it in the way you see it....that he should cut off ALL contact with people he's known for years.... at which point, you ARE controlling and insecure..... OR.... he's not telling you the entire truth about the extent of these relationships.... Some people have "friends" who were or are "friends with benefits"...which should always be questioned, and the other person has a RIGHT to know. In any case... until the two come to an agreement that is best suitable to both without neither acquiescing nor giving up what might have been healthy friendships for years..... you two should just part ways. You should find a guy who has no problem making HIS friends YOUR friends.

This ultimately is really about the 'character' of the two people involved.... and everybody else who knows the two people.... that's it.
 smile9999
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 9
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 6:37:24 PM
the guy sounds like an insecure twit, you made the right decision
 kayliecat
Joined: 12/8/2007
Msg: 10
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 6:38:57 PM
Personally for me, email and texting and facebook are at a level I can deal with. Long telephone calls and in person relationships I can't. BUT there are exceptions. If the relationship is not exclusive, then obviously all goes. If it is a friend they've had for years, I'm not gonna interfere.

Etc..

My ex hub, for example, befriended a chick in grad school, the same time I met him. He has stayed friends with her thru the years via email, telephone, etc. They would talk on the phone for a good hour. BUT...they only talked on the phone once or twice a year. And infrequent emails. So I was cool with that. I felt like he and she were respecting our marital boundaries.

But then about 4 years ago he befriended one of his female patients. started talking on the phone to her for hours every night - staying at work long past the time he needed to. Would talk to her til 1 am on weekends. And then...started hiding it from me and outright lying when I said it was not appropriate- for a married man, or for her therapist. This was the impetus for me to end the marriage. Not so much what he did, but that he refused to stop it until under extreme pressure from me and from one of the other therapists who told him it was wrong. And it took a good month. A nd he still to this day thinks he did nothing wrong.

There is a difference between the above 2 relationships...can you see that?

And there is a difference b/t having someone on facebook who you keep track of here and there, and someone that you run around town with.

I guess boundaries are different for different people... mine are looser than yours. I have lots of guy friends and exes on facebook with me and I email with lots of guys - from here and elsewhere. But I don't hang with them in person, it's all online and it's all appropriate kind of interactions when I'm dating someone. (when I'm not dating someone then I do as I please) And when I was last in a relationship, he had his own facebook female friends and texting/IM friends and I didn't interfere. The only one that got me jealous was the chick that he was dating when I met him...He stayed friends with her online and talked via texting to her every day. No I didn't ask him to stop, but yes it bothered me because he was dating both of us for about a week before I made him choose her or me to date. So I still felt threatened by her.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 11
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 6:39:58 PM

I personally don't agree with you. But if those are important issues to you then you did the right thing in breaking up with him.

Concur.

Damassteel also makes some very valid points. I have kept my profile up when in a relationship because I like posting to the forums and I have friends that I enjoy contacting here, it seems more like a convo when you have their face in front of you, it is one of the reasons why facebook is so popular as well.

I have friends that I at one time dated, I have also met new friends when one or the other of us mailed about a forum post we found funny or wise. Your post seems quite bitter but in this type of situation, your attitudes are never going to mesh.

I had a boyfriend pose a hypothetical to me several years ago figuring I would say something that was similar to the way he thought about it. He asked if he ran into an ex-girlfriend because of his job (delivery type work) and she was having a hard time, etc. would I be upset if he talked to her, i.e. spent an hour or more with her giving her an ear, for her problems. I told him that I would be more upset if he wasn't a friend to someone he cared about and that I would not be remotely worried about anything because I knew he loved me and trusted him.

That wasn't the answer he was looking for because his response would be if he was in that situation, he would not do anything that would cause me to wonder. I said, well that's a shame. You shouldn't have to kick people you care about out of your life to make someone else happy and it isn't fair of you to expect others to do it because you take your friendships so lightly. Good ones are hard to find, their gender shouldn't matter.
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 12
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 6:41:38 PM
I'm with Straycat- this just sounds like lack of respect. You said some of these women aren't even old friends- he just meet them- on Facebook.
Sounds to me like he just needed to have a harem around at all times. He may just regard you as another one of the girls as well with no special attachment.

OP- you probably did the right thing - for you.
 CaptainDad
Joined: 7/25/2008
Msg: 13
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 6:48:16 PM
Sounds like you both have insecurity issues. He needs lots of friends and you get jeleous.

Breaking up was the right thing if for no other reason than you two are simply not compatible.

I have female and male friends. I would expect whomever I'm dating to have friends of both genders as well. At no point would I ask them to give up their friends (unless it's a FWB thing, but that's for a different thread) nor would I be willing to give up mine. In a good relationship the friends all get to know one another and it's all good.

But then again I'm freakishly not the jealous type so I have a very hard time relating to an emotion that is considered normal by many.
 SylvanSwan
Joined: 8/5/2008
Msg: 14
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 6:49:02 PM

Some were newly found on Facebook...


So he was actually searching some strange gals out to chat with? If so, Tsk Tsk, so very wrong!

I think MsTennis you did yourself a favor by getting rid of the guy.

I wholeheartedly agree that he was disrespectful. You would eventually gone insane wondering what he was talking about with all these women, never mind if he was meeting up with them too.

~crazyhorse~
 HappyColors
Joined: 12/8/2009
Msg: 15
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 6:50:54 PM
He is disrespectful and incosiderate j**k.
When the guy has tens female "friends", something is not right.
 Pinkribbonsinthesky
Joined: 12/13/2009
Msg: 16
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 6:53:18 PM
I agree with message number 8..Notyourfuturex...

What you had written pretty much sums up how a "GREAT RELATIONSHIP" works.

When you have RESPECT FOR YOURSELF FIRST, you can come up with the SOLUTIONS to what makes a relationship grow...it is alot like watering your garden to watch the flowers grow, neglect it everything dies.

The entire friendships change when there is a marriage involved. There are no hidden friends...but OUR FRIENDS...if you want your cake and eat it too...STAY SINGLE...DO NOT COMMIT TO MARRIAGE.

Relationships are solid when you are confident and secure who you are as a person..Marriage is SOLID, WHEN YOU ARE SOLID...there is NO ROOM FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE INSECURE who are going to think they are going to get married...A GOOD MARRIAGE IS ABOUT GOOD VALUES, MORALS, AND BEING TRUE TO ONESELF.

It truly is simple.

 Frau Blücher
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 17
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 6:57:08 PM
I would not want to be involved with a man who had a pack of women purring around his ankles. Now that you and he are no more, he’ll probably try to set out a saucer of friendship cream for you.
 NighCast
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 18
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 7:02:15 PM
One question comes into my mind. Did he have these friends before you(and that should not matter either)? If he did then you are the one with the problems. In order for a relationship to work you gotz to chill the hell out and have some trust in your partner. I can see and understand why you are hurt. But it could be because you are forcing untruthful thoughts into your head, being suspicious for no reasons, no evidence just for the fact because you are jealous of all his friends. My ex girlfriend of five years did the same thing to me and I hated her for it in the end. Really grew away from her when she started making demands. I tried to compromise but was not good enough. Eventually I had no female friends left and took me two years to become comfortable even talking to girls in a way different then friendship. I believe it is not far for the partner being accused all the time. Mental abuse is horrible. 51 Questions with no practical answer.

MY point to you is. I want you to be HAPPY. That is number one. You are number to you. If you are not willing to change some of your ways for you then you will not find a good man. I am telling you this because if I was in his situation I would have left you on the first demand. No thinking. I have a friend that is a girl in mind, If you were to tell me not to associate with her or talk to her in any way. See you later. Because chances are she is the one that encouraged me to see YOU.
 cuban delite
Joined: 4/29/2009
Msg: 19
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 7:06:32 PM
sounds like you didnt trust him...in which case you shouldnt be dating him.....it really doesnt matter which one of you has the issues.....it will never work if you both arent on the same page!!
I couldnt imagine trying to make my man decide between me and his friends.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 20
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 7:09:24 PM
~OP~ You've had a profile here since 07. Did he have a problem with your POF profile and you emailing, etc., other men?

~OT~ There are those who simply can not and will not give up their net interests. Those types should stick with others who do the very same thing in my opinion. JMO
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 21
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 7:10:11 PM

Sounds like you both have insecurity issues. He needs lots of friends and you get jeleous.

Breaking up was the right thing if for no other reason than you two are simply not compatible.

+1

I think you overreacted big time. And you come off as a HUGE control freak to boot. Who are you to tell him who he can and can't associate with "or else"? Who are you to tell him who he can and can't have at HIS place?

Control. Freak.

It's probably best that the two of you aren't a couple anymore. Clearly your insecurity and power trips need to be dealt with before you pair off again.

Just sayin'............
 mr.evil
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 22
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 7:13:12 PM
First off,

"I, on the other hand do not have email buddies that are men that I have an open dialogue with"

Would you like one?



On a more serious note. You don't mention, how long you have been together. If you just started seeing him(2 or 3 dates) he may not be sure this will last. If this is not the case and you have been involved for some time. Then his behavior is unacceptable. He is just looking for the next best thing or in his case things.

You cannot let him set your boundries. If it is OK with you, that would be one thing. But to say "we're together" and continue this behavior, just won't work. Better that you broke it off with him.
 Fleur_de_Lis
Joined: 3/7/2008
Msg: 23
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 7:23:48 PM
I agree that there was no point in giving him an ultimatum ~ if that's who he is then he isn't for you and the two of you need to be with people you're in sync with

He should seek out women who have a lot of male friends and you need a man who doesn't have a lot of women friends ~ that way you would have more in common
 NighCast
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 24
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 7:24:11 PM
SO it is all right just to drop all your friends for a girl. NO way. Even if it is long term. I became more cranky. It probably is better that you left him because you obviously didn't feel 100% with him. He is not worth your time in that sense.

Yes the way he was behaving is not right. There is no excuse for it. He may have lead misleading thoughts into your head. You allowed them to affect you. As soon as this happens it is over. Then you start hassling him and he will do it more. But if he does care then he would be willing to talk to you.

BOTH people should have to compromise a little bit if it is not working out or just leave. One or the other. Or you can torture yourself and stay in a relationship for a long time knowing it will never work. SO unhappy. You need a guy that is into you and everyone is right he doesn't sound like he was to into you. Good decision leaving him.

I don't want to seem like I am taking any sides I just want both points of view out hear!
 Chitownguy40
Joined: 9/29/2009
Msg: 25
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/21/2009 7:29:01 PM
This is a tough one.

Yes, I can tell by what you wrote that you are unreasonably jealous and controlling. Expecting a SO to jettison long-term friendships just to appease your jealousy is totally unreasonable. Men are rightly criticized for doing this all the time. You should be, too.

However, it also sounds like in this particular case, your unreasonable jealousy was directed at a guy who did indeed have a pretty poor sense of boundries and who engaged in some pretty inappropriate behavior. Constantly texting and calling women, inviting women to stay overnight at his house--these would piss anybody off.

So, in short, it is probably for the best you broke up. You sound like you were a terrible match.
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