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Show ALL Forums  > Manitoba  > Could you ever trust someone you met on a dating site?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 4
Could you ever trust someone you met on a dating site?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
OP -I'm sitting here scratching my head and thinking that coversations about the relationship/boundaries/expectations/exclusivity, etc. were absent and instead the air was filled with assumptions/hopes/wishes/dreams, which created a huge grey area.

I think that snooping on his computer was wrong on your part and an invasion of his privacy, if you had not discussed the ground rules of your relationship. From the comments you made about asking him straight out, I'm wondering why you didn't have a straight out conversation about the ground rules before you became involved in a relationship with him. If you were together and he thought you dumped him, obviously both you and him were in 2 different relationships. Murky in a relationship is not good.

There is a big difference between meeting a man on this site, getting involved in a relationship with him and trusting him. Just cause you meet someone, does not mean that you are in a relationship with them. Before you get involved with anyone, decided what it is you are looking for in a relationship and then make sure the other person is on board and wants the same thing. I sense that he saw you as someone to casually get together with with no strings attached - while you saw a exclusive relationship.

IMHO I think you created a relationship in your mind that lacked the substance of reality.
 TooShadows
Joined: 9/26/2008
Msg: 6
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Could you ever trust someone you met on a dating site?
Posted: 12/23/2009 6:25:31 AM
It's an unfortunate situation,but I have to wonder as well as to what kind of relationship each of you thought you were in. Obviously you felt it was exclusive,but maybe to him the two of you were just dating and not so exclusive. Some people,men and women both feel that way. I was with a woman for almost 3 years in what I thought was an exclusive relationship,but she thought we were just dating because we weren't living together for the first 2 years. Now I don't think she was seeing anyone else,but she did have an ad on a telephone dating site. At least she did tell me about it.

As for trust: you're hurt now,but the feeling will pass and you'll be able to trust again. I know;it happened to me. Someone I was dating and starting to really care for stole my credit card and headed off to Toronto to see some other guy. There was a period after that where I didn't believe anything that a woman told me,but after a time I realized that this was an isolated case,and I was able to trust again. It took about 2 months in my case,and then I met a great gal that I'm still with.
 susan_cd
Joined: 5/16/2007
Msg: 8
Could you ever trust someone you met on a dating site?
Posted: 12/23/2009 9:20:34 AM
I suppose we could conduct an experiment to gather evidence on whether you could trust someone met on a site or not, hmmmmm.

OK anyone wanna go on a date with me, lend me a couple thousand & see if I pay it back? It's for science!



( and just to keep things clear, I'm kidding)
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 9
Could you ever trust someone you met on a dating site?
Posted: 12/23/2009 9:51:52 AM
Re Msg 5 - ok, I'm still scratching my head on this thread. OP, you started this thread with what I believed was you looking for answers. Like many here, I have been where you are now. You can't ask for help/answers and then get huffy about the responses you received, with comments like "Well, unlike some.........".

I love your comment "you should assume that in a 2 year relationship.......". What, you didn't know for sure - you had to assume? Its the common use of the word assume, which leads me to believe that you have more assumptions than agreed upon facts regarding that relationship.

Many of the people here, like me, are trying to share info from past experiences to help you find the right one. If someone does not sympathize with you and blame the guy, you can't say they have life all twisted.

I think your 2 years with that man was an assumption on your part, and you just went along with him disappointing you when things didn't go as you imagined. There had to be numerous red flags for you to invade his privacy and go on his computer. When someone is out of a marriage or a long term relationship, many new single people make assumptions about the first few people they date, and give others priviledges that they have not earned. In addition, many of these people don't have relationship talks to define the relationship, and are more interested in having certain voids filled in their new life. What you may have thought was an exclusive relationship, appeared to not have been the same to the man.

If a woman wants a relationship its her responsibility to get what she wants and that only happens by having the talks and not to settle with anything less. If you don't have the talk and a man has you on his "sure thing list" what makes you think he would want to rock the boat and miss the opportunity to get his needs filled while having the opportunity to meet other women if you don't object?

I have high standards and know exactly what I have to offer the right man - I'm not planning to settle, and I don't have to. I have learned how to streamline conversations, read men better, and I have the talks and ask the questions. I never take things personally if a man and I are not a match by wanting different things out of a relationship, and I have met some pretty great guys that have turned out to be friends.

OP, don't beat yourself up, be more careful who you give it up to - make sure they are worthy of your gifts, and your trust. Protect yourself as only you have your best interests at heart.

Throw the line in again, be more cautious and enjoy dating, as it should be enjoyable.
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 14
Could you ever trust someone you met on a dating site?
Posted: 12/23/2009 5:05:42 PM
Oh Dudley, you just don't get it. Its not about sitting someone down and talking about exclusivity and sh!t like that. Its about having conversations with new people you meet to find out if both of you are looking for the same things.

I don't know about you, but I hate wasting time or having to try and extract information from someone new I meet who is reluctant to talk about things. There are a lot of people who have trouble conversing. I have found that 2 many people online don't really have a clue about what kind of relationship they are looking for, and those who have a hidden agenda are reluctant to give out any kind of informaiton. I know what I am looking for and if I meet a man with a polarized desire, I just don't see wasting anyones time as it most likely will not work out. Its not like I'm asking for private information, I just need to know what kind of a relationship they are looking for, what they are looking for in the area of spending time together time frame and frequency range in a relationship. Some people are not available some nights/weekends due to shared custody of children. Then there comes the question about if the desire is there to date others if we were to see one another. There is nothing wrong with these questions that I ask, or questions/concerns of themen I meet. I know for myself, if I don't know where the bus I'm riding is going, I will pull it over and ask......same when it comes to relationships.
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 16
Could you ever trust someone you met on a dating site?
Posted: 12/23/2009 5:56:22 PM
Not everyone is of the same opinion when it comes to relationships, and that is why the questions need to be asked.

I don't think morality has changed, I just think its more in your face. People in relationships have cheated on one another since as long as I can remember. The only difference between when I was growing up and now is that some people have become desensitised to it, just like abuse, alternative lifestyles and violence. Nothing wrong with consenting adults having open/alternative lifestyles, just as long as both people are on the same bus about it.

This is the reason why I responded to OP about making assumptions. People are different and in order to find one who compliments each of us, we need to ask lots of questions, before getting on that bus.

There are people out there who want an exclusive relationship, while others don't and both are personal choices - the important thing is to find someone who shares your preferences and to try and not get hurt in the process.
 quickstop
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 20
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Could you ever trust someone you met on a dating site?
Posted: 12/28/2009 12:07:38 PM
I have been in that same situation also. I high five you for snooping! Obviously he was hiding from you or it wouldn't have been hidden. The guy I dated said they are all friends. Well if they are such good friends then why don't you hang out with them off POF? He was having outside relationships. Yup... you got it .... I have no trust either.
I feel if you are in a serious relationship then there should be no secrets.
Most relationships break up due to cheating. If you are in a serious relationship then it should be open and honest. I think he should have told you he was still on POF... at least he would be honest and open about it. Not saying he had to get off... just be honest about it.

Just spent my shinny new penny!

Thanks for listening and have a great New Year!!!!!!!!!
 quickstop
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 22
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Could you ever trust someone you met on a dating site?
Posted: 12/28/2009 4:27:04 PM
Your right... we all have secrets. Depends on the secret.

The past is the past... but when you discuss your past is how you will find out a lot about your present. I find it very enlightening when your sitting around telling stories from your past. That is when you will likely find out a persons values, personality etc.

You will find out how a person will treat you from how they have treated people in the past. Sure we learn from our mistakes..... but you can't change a person's personality.
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 23
Could you ever trust someone you met on a dating site?
Posted: 12/30/2009 9:24:18 AM
I believe that when 2 people talk online, that some people get caught up in the speed of communication, as it can move at light speed. This can present a false sense of familiarity and some people can/will think that they are in a more developed relationship with someone, when in fact both people are still strangers who only know a few details about one another. This can cause some people to become too trusting and this can lead to hurt and disappointment. People need to talk more about relationships, what each of them are looking for then testing the other to be sure they are telling the truth. I think that so many people are interested in just finding someone that they don't take the time to find the "right someone". Trust is earned, and it usually takes more than 3 or 4 email messages.
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 26
Could you ever trust someone you met on a dating site?
Posted: 12/30/2009 2:35:49 PM
Dudly - I dont distrust every - I give any man I meet on this site a chance - however I do test what they say, as its harder to remember a lie than the truth. I don't set traps, I know that the honest ones will shine through and the liars will get caught. Honesty, integrity all mean something to me and if a person will lie about the little things, just imagine what kind of whoppers the big things will bring out.

To me trust is earned, it goes both ways, and takes time. Trust also has many levels, and just because you meet someone online and feel they are trustworthy enough to talk with, doesnt mean they are trustworthy enough to meet or know a lot of personal information about you.

There are good and bad apples in this barrel and its important to keep that in mind, about others until you can personally vouch for someone.
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 29
Could you ever trust someone you met on a dating site?
Posted: 12/30/2009 5:45:54 PM
Printer you need better lines................................

Dudley I test men by asking certain questions numerous times to see if the answer remains the same. Its not setting a trap for them, its trying to verify what they say is what they feel/believe rather than what they think I might want to hear. I agree its part of the observation process as online our words and the way we express ourselves is the only way to learn about someone until you meet in person. You are correct about a liar - give them enough rope and they will hang themselves, and it is for that reason alone that I don't rush getting to know someone online.
 Fort Garry Dark
Joined: 11/25/2005
Msg: 33
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Could you ever trust someone you met on a dating site?
Posted: 1/10/2010 3:36:30 PM
Pheromones don't last nearly as long as trust should.

I think that meeting people on a dating site is a very normal thing. Its a great way to get introduced to potential partners.

It takes some time before you know someone enough about them to trust them.

Karma get your mind out of the gutter. The young lady is about to tell any tales here.
 edjoecdn
Joined: 5/25/2006
Msg: 34
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Could you ever trust someone you met on a dating site?
Posted: 1/22/2010 6:24:17 AM
Having not read the whole thread.... this is back to the original question...

I think no matter where you meet, trust... a very, very small measure is something one has to invest in someone new.... Nothing important or serious....

For trust is "earned " and not "deserved".... earned by the passage of time and experience!

This site, probably becuase it's free ; is home to some serious weirdos.... some obvious ..others much more "refined" shall we say! Oh and men are not the only ones who fall into this catagory.... I've met some ..."eccentric" women,.... all part of the learning curve.

So the motto is "play safe"..., take your time..... get to know somebody. Don't believe everything you hear ..wait for the actions... as proof. Take your time ! lol
 LucOberdere
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 35
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Could you ever trust someone you met on a dating site?
Posted: 1/22/2010 9:30:12 PM
^^ 'takes one to know one' my grandmother always said...

What's up - you running out of 'targets' on FB?
 armaegis
Joined: 8/25/2008
Msg: 36
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Could you ever trust someone you met on a dating site?
Posted: 1/23/2010 1:44:36 AM
I've already had a woman stalk me and figure out my income. On the one hand, I was kind of impressed she actually managed to dig that deep and figure it out. On the other hand... nuh uh. Haven't been too keen on trust since then.
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