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Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 1
Should love be reciprocated?Page 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
I think to me reciprocation is not an expectation but a gift. And it's totally mutual. Yes, I love because I want to be loved. And that feeds into itself. The problem is when we fall into simple expectation you also begin to expect. But if instead you give, you love, then it changes the mood of the relationship. It's like a tennis match, the only expectation is that the ball is going to come back into my court. But then it is my actions to send it back to you, for you to send it back to me. And I chose in which way I am going to send the ball back. "Love IS a decision." You choose to play, you choose to send the ball back, and you can chose also to stop the game.

Many relationships fail because they first had suck expectations that then the failed to reciprocate. And little by little they did less until the relationship died.

I think when you have too many expectations you get trampled down, because they may never be met. But for instance, me as a guy, I want and I desire romance in my relationship. Then every day I have to make the effort to kiss my woman. To tell you how much you mean to me. And fill your spirit with joy. If I do not do that, how can I expect to get joy back? It starts with me. It is an act of leadership. But if I do, I do not expect anything in return but for you to feel YOUR joy and to reciprocate not my expectation but what is pure and simple YOU. You may be touchy touchy, you may not. You may have forgotten how to do that. But I would do it never the less, first expecting nothing, until the you begin to reveal yourself, your sense of comfort. YOu may be kissy, kissy, you may not. But the ambiance for love is there. And when you get back from work I offer a massage. Or a talk about the day. Or share an intimate moment. And you say silly things. "Like I was thinking of you." "The thought of you made me wet." I believe if two people are active in this they will go out of their ways to please each other, to think about each other, to want each other with lustful desire. YOu ACTIVELY think what to wear to turn me on. I actively think of ideas that will make you feel more special, more sexy, more desired. I will actively think of things that are FUN, filled with laughter, giddiness and joy.

Yes we can give and give and when we don't get it back so we give up. But I think you have to try. I personally do not believe that the Honey moon Stage should end, ever. That to me is hogwash, and then when you have the other, "let's pull out the remote, honey get me a beer, and let's watch some football." No way Jose. Again, love is a verb. And active verb. It has to be done. A man has to hell his woman, "Babe, you look awesome today." "I desire you today." "I want to make love to you today." "Let' get out of the house and see a play. A movie. Look, this restaurant has a great review. Let's go, let's be impressed."

And if she is too tired, too stressed, too not in the mood. He tries to understand. He still comforts her and makes her feel special.

Back in the days when I had season tickets to the ballet there was this elderly couple that sat next to me. Eventually they became friends and we sometimes hit the same restaurants before or after the show. They were giddy with love. They uzzed sensuality and love.

Also, love to me is understanding what this person is and should be your best friend. That I can talk the most intimate of things with you. So why not be inside your mind as well. But helping you, reassuring you, pushing you in a positive way. Yet letting you make mistakes because everything is a learning process. When my thought can penetrate your thoughts you begin to understand each other, and that to me is love. So then you can do the next thing about the other and that is anticipate what the other one needs. I can look at your face and realize that you need my hand over your eyebrows and massage the tensions of the day away. And you can anticipate how my day was, and give me a neck massage. Okay, it's not all about massages, but that is the metaphor that I am using. Some times is just cuddling and touching each other, sharing heat, the pulse of each others hearts, the breathing over each other's necks, feeling the little hair on the nape fluter with each gasp.

That to me is love.

Now the question to you, should we expect reciprocation? What happens when one or the other partner does not get that reciprocation? Your thoughts.

Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 2
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/24/2009 7:41:06 AM
Outmind, you are incredible. I love your philosophy, but in reality, if there is never reciprocation, that is not a very healthy relationship (but why should any of us change now?). Anyway, unconditional love is best visited on the helpless (children, my alz Mom who tells me to go to he11, mentally challenged, etc.). I think a certain commitment is required to bridge the gap during times when one may not be entirely "there" for one's partner, but if that was all I had (no reciprocation), that would not suit me. I have what I hope are reasonable expectations. You are only OP who can get me to enter this length of response from my iPhone!
edit: why are people so intent on avoiding disappointment that they will eschew any expectation?
Joined: 2/19/2007
Msg: 3
view profile
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/24/2009 7:45:05 AM
Is there a Cliff Notes version of your posting for us with ADD?
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 4
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/24/2009 7:50:22 AM

Now the question to you, should we expect reciprocation?

I think I know what the OP is trying to get at,,,and it's a tough call. I'm hearing more and more from others that they are now keeping their "expectations" of others low,,,or not all. Their reasoning????? No expectations = no disapointments.

Personally,,,I don't like that school of thought. But,,,,but,,,, on the other hand,,,relating to "love",,,, we are starting to get into something that does not always require a "return" persay. I can/have loved someone(something) without the expectation of reciprocation cause,,,,well,,, I wanted to and it was in me. In saying that thou,,,my giving of such love usually results in some form of return.
Now,,, relating love AND a relationship,,,I would have to say, that yes, I do "expect" some form of reciprocation when exposing my feelings to another,,,,,,in a relationship. This "expectation" is all relative in the length of the relationship,,,and what the people involved are aiming for being in it.

The "golden rule" does not always apply to "love",,,,but it doesn't hurt to practise it.
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 5
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/24/2009 7:50:27 AM

Now the question to you, should we expect reciprocation? What happens when one or the other partner does not get that reciprocation? Your thoughts.

Expecting anything from another human being will leave you disappointed every time. Doesn't matter what your expectation(s) is/are, you leave yourself open to disappointment. Love, in and of itself, is given and should never be expected. If you choose to love, you should also choose to be aware that the love you give may not be returned in the manner in which you think it should be. I have learned a valuable lesson from those in my past: Just because they didn't love me the way I thought they should, doesn't mean they didn't love me the best they could. JMO
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 6
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/24/2009 8:08:29 AM
Is there a Cliff Notes version of your posting for us with ADD?

I guess my ex would never read this since she is ADD. Hehehe.

Now this is more of an open debate. And I am talking here not about love in nature, but more about the love between men and woman. Or well, a relationship. Why relationships fail? Was one side more the giving and the other the receiving? What happens when the giving is never enough for the other partner. What makes a relationship successful? Again Thoughts?
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 7
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/24/2009 8:14:12 AM

Expecting anything from another human being will leave you disappointed every time.

This is the stuff that I don't agree with. I know of many humans that not only meet expectations,,,but surpass them.

Doesn't matter what your expectation(s) is/are, you leave yourself open to disappointment.

And I ask,,,,is this a bad thing???? You see,,,when I read/hear comments like this,,,I do not wonder anymore why there are more and more people who are "alone". Leaving yourself "open" to any feelings or emotions I will always argue is never,ever a bad thing. It just means you are alive. "expectations" also leaves you "open" to more than just disapointment. With the possibility of bad,,,also comes the possibility of good.
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 8
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/24/2009 8:18:56 AM
^^^^ Yes. A child w/ Xmas expectations may be Very happy with what they got even if not what they wanted. Part of learning gratitude and happiness w/ what you have, not necessarily what you wanted!
allowing for days he catches his winkie in the zipper, I always expect respect and consideration - that is the minimum foundation on which to build a loving relationship, IMO. I have also heard women say they demand certain behavior, shoes, income, etc. Surely those are expectations!
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 9
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/24/2009 8:28:39 AM
You can never be disappointed if you give and expect nothing, but appreciate what comes your way. If you are not getting as much love as you give, you are usually mismatched. Someone with the same mindset as you can only give the way you do - and appreciate what they get from you without expectation.
Joined: 2/19/2007
Msg: 10
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Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/24/2009 8:44:58 AM
Isn't there a cliche stating "it's better to give than to receive?"

Maybe people don't listen or 'see' the subtle clues that are there from the start of a relationship. You're very touchy feely, she isn't. You like to cuddle, she doesn't. You want to always be holding hands, she doesn't. Yet you over look these things because you're tired of looking for someone and on most levels you're compatible.
Then you start to get annoyed by the things you used to put up with.

Maybe we're not supposed to spend 40-50 yrs with just one person? Think of all the couples who split up after 15 yrs or more of marriage. I guess they decide they don't want to spend the rest of their lives wondering what if.........................

If the giving is never enough for the other person maybe they're too draining for you, maybe their too emotionally needy or greedy.
I would think a successful relationship is where there is give and take. Both partners giving 100% to the relationship and getting 100% back.
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 11
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/24/2009 9:12:33 AM
Love will die if it's not reciprocated. And if it's not given freely--if conditions are placed on it--it deserves to die. Sometimes, love SHOULD die. And does. This is life. It sucks.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 12
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/24/2009 9:21:55 AM
I have given WAY too much love, time and attention to men who never returned it. One thing I have learned is not to make someone a priority who makes me an option.
It seems the law of supply and demand says that if something is given away in large quantities it no longer is seen as having any value. Casting pearls among the swine. I have learned that I DESERVE to be loved back. If love is not reciprocated it is a very unhealthy relationship.
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 13
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/24/2009 9:38:21 AM
Its healthy to realize, relationships aren't perfect. She may love you, but also be getting a visit from Aunt Flo that day...and not express her appreciation for you being in her life b/c, duh, something else is on her mind that day.

so, should we expect reciprocation every day? honestly, can we GIVE that? if not, we can't ask for what we can't give, right?

But, we aren't talking logic, we're talking emotions. We know what we should expect...but we still have wants.

and of course, we can change our own minds. if we haven't had an object of love in years...we may settle for someone who isn't that hot for us, but they'll take our love in the meantime. For this week, that could be good enough for us. Next week? We'll be here, complaining about the situation we choose to put ourself into.

As usual, it comes down to respect. If you know what it is, you know if you're getting it or not. If you don't know what respect is...does it really matter if you're not getting what you don't know you should have? Perhaps if you seek non-respectful situations--and of course, you'll find what you seek--then its sorta OK if you're in one? B/c most likely, you ran away from the other people who offered you a better situation.

But in the grand scheme of things...its best that you are healthy, and know what respect is. but, once you do that, being alone isn't so much of a problem, so being relationship-less is annoying, rather than "life threatening" as it seems to other people.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 14
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/24/2009 9:43:41 AM

not to mention choose the wrong person and doom ourselves to failed relationships.

Yeah, but when you are dating, how do you see that? Can you tell? Probably not. Or you ignore some red flags. Or think that what the other person have told you they have done in previous relationships will never become manifest again, and then it does. I don't know. Even using that list of things that make a relationship. Who is that good?
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 15
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/24/2009 12:18:35 PM
Love should be reciprocated or how will it ever grow?
I REALLY liked this guy who was first one to message me on this site. Trouble is why did he even bother when he wouldn't reciprocate?

True love is like a tennis match or even passing a ball back and forth. When someone talks to you "pass the ball back to them". Return calls, messages, be on time for a date. It shows interest, caring and respect. As I mentioned earlier, I could love a man to death, but if he doesn't reciprocate, time to move on.

This is the ONLY guy on this site I had this problem with. So yes, he did stand out, but not in a good way. Other guys will at least talk to find out what kind of connection we may have. I like and appreciate that.
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 16
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/24/2009 2:25:05 PM
Yes, love in a relationship must be reciprocated but reciprocation is not a balance sheet.

Unconditional love is just that. How many parents love their children unconditionally but are lonely like heck because the children grew up and went away. When you give unconditionally there's little correlation to what you "get back", especially if you think in balance sheet terms.

Maybe it's a circular argument that those saintly people who love unconditionally seem to get what they need from life. After all, if people are emotionally starved by their life, they won't have the energy to be able to splash unconditional love in all directions.

Hopefully most of us do enough giving in different directions, and stick around other people who do the same, so that enough is coming in to feed what goes out. But again, not by a balance sheet. Somebody helps (or hurts) me, and I help (or hurt) somebody else, and we all live to be a hundred.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 17
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/25/2009 4:47:36 PM

People that have the expectation that love is a reciprocal thing are setting themselves up for potential misery. If you want love back just because YOU give it...then you're not doing it for the right reasons. Love is a gift that we get from time to time from various sources, in various strengths.

Dude, this is beautiful. But isn't that half the problems with relationships. Not so much what you give, and keep giving. But that sense of expectation? You gave a mile, the other one expected two miles. Where do you stand?
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 18
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/25/2009 5:00:16 PM
I know that I am being anal and I even tried to stop myself from responding in this manner, but the other me won out.

It is an act of leadership.

It always bothers me when a man seems to think the role of leadership is his. When I think of a leader, I don't think of reciprocating, I think of obeying. Yes, a leader often gets followers to do what they should do by setting an example, but it is with the goal of getting specific actions from the followers--and when there is a leader, there is always at least one follower.

Why does the male have to be the "leader" and the woman the responder? Perhaps you meant this from the point of view as writing and being a male, but what parts do females play?

If "love" between partners is not reciprocal, then there is a good chance that love will die.

By the way, it has been said that any altruistic act is done with the purpose of reciprocation. I think this holds true in a relationship. Try being the only masseuse or the only giver--if there is no reciprocation, the acts will slowly fade away.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 19
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/25/2009 5:29:07 PM

It always bothers me when a man seems to think the role of leadership is his. When I think of a leader, I don't think of reciprocating, I think of obeying.

Gwen, what a beautiful argument this may be.

I believe there are all types of women. The type that I attract tends to want the man to take control. They are the ones that want you to have the balls to do this or that.

But this is how I have seen it. When a woman is down emotionally, she is going to say to you a lot of s hit. Stuff that is very hurtful and painful. If you do the guy thing, you retaliate. You either tell her to fvck off, or you create a distance and begin to pull away, which is what most people do. That is what I have seen. Or you can choose to TRY to understand. Then find another angle and be positive. I know this does not apply to all women, but when I have got caught up on that game of retaliation, nobody wins. But when you turn it off, and take control of the situation by going elsewhere, things have changed.

If this was a serious issue, well you do need to go there. But if is not, you manage it in context, try to resolve and move on.

But, what can I say, this may all be just bull since I ended a relationship that was very important to me.

So Gwen, tell me what you think I did wrong? Heheh
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 20
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/25/2009 5:32:18 PM

People who do not expect to be loved back are seriously masochistic, and do not give a damn to themselves. They'll never become president. Or a good husband. And most of all, a lover of someone. There's a place for them and their friends in heaven.

Fvck dude, can we elaborate on this statement!!!
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 21
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/25/2009 7:40:48 PM
*D'u-u-u-u-h-h-hhh...!!! *
If it's not reciprocated......It's barely even a _Friendship_...!!!
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 22
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/25/2009 8:10:33 PM
I found this title of "should love be reciprocated" strange. The thing is you can't force yourself to love anyone. You can care for someone and force yourself to treat them kindly and compassionately, but you can never force yourself to love someone.So to answer your question to the best of my ability, love should, and only can be reciprocated ,when both feel love for each other.

If you are in a relationship with someone who you may care for, but don't love, don't keep them hanging around when you know full well that you don't love them. Let them leave so they can find someone who will love them and then naturally reciprocate love back to them.You can't "expect" someone to love you if it is not how they feel for you.

Now if you are talking about a couple who are actually in love with each other but take each other for granted then the title of your thread is not accurate. It should be more like "should loving gestures be reciprocated".My answer to that is "yes". If you love someone then you want them to know how you feel and telling and showing someone is the only way. If you are both sitting there like bumps on a log saying and doing not much then neither will know how the other really feels.

In a loving committed relationship then you should expect your partner to treat you lovingly,to do sweet and considerate things for you, and to let you know how they feel.If you can't expect this from the person who you spend your life with then I don't think that loving long term relationships are for you. If one person is always the one to do the loving gestures and to communicate how they feel and the other does nothing, then that relationship is doomed. We all need to know that our partners love and want us otherwise why would we be with them? Being the giver all the time and never or very rarely receiving is death to a relationship.
 HD Red Lantern
Joined: 11/16/2009
Msg: 23
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/25/2009 10:14:46 PM
Figure out what love is first.
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 24
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Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/26/2009 3:30:18 AM
Love language differs from person to person, and it's been my experience that it's very tough to achieve the same STYLE of COMMUNICATING love.

When I used to ask my honey how she feels, or if she would like a backrub or something, she wouldn't say a damn thing but would present her bare shoulders to me, which I had to kind of take as a silent signal that she was ready to be touched. It's very mysterious, and is indeed a tennis match.

OutMind: From reading your past posts, I know your situation, that your GF is battling cancer. I'm sorry for what you're going through and wish her a full and speedy recovery. You're a good man for sticking with her through all this. I'm sure she's just in a lot of pain and so isn't in her right mind. She doesn't have love to give to ANYBODY right now.

Commune with the Lord or your source and pray for her. I'll do the same.
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 25
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 12/26/2009 5:33:01 AM
For me, it is not a matter of "love must be reciprocated," but rather that it is unhealthy for me to give of myself, emotionally, physically, or otherwise, to someone who does not return that love. Sure, the company and interaction can be fun for a while but, eventually, I will realize that the friendship is not enough for me.

Working with the elderly as I do, I have seen both sides of this equation be successful. One couple holds hands in public, stops on the street to share a kiss, and still have that glint in their eye when they look at each other. Another couple, though it is clear they are comfortable with each other...routines, habits, etc....they are almost like brother and sister who share a house, a name, and little more. The first example is the one I seek, though I would have to live to be well over 110 years old to be married for more than 62 years, lol!!!
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