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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?      Home login  
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 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I asked this earlier and it was deleted. I'm thinking possibly because I posted it in the wrong category so trying once more.


My son who is 10 wanted to take his entire savings to buy an Xbox 360. I thought this was a really bad idea, he has plenty of video game systems. The account was set up so me and his dad could access it but our son could not alone until he was 18. My ex said we should let him spend his money how ever he wanted so feeling this was being irresponsible I went in to the bank and switched the money to my own personal account. I plan to set up a new account that the ex has no access to but in the mean time have shown our son the papers showing him where it is. My ex is now accusing me of stealing it and insisting I show him proof I didn't. He also says I spent our younger sons savings which is still in the joint account. He tells the boys that mommy stole their money. One time my oldest son complained to me that all daddy did is tell him I think mommy stole your money when the kids spent the weekend at his house. My ex said he would fight dirty when I moved out but I wish he would realize he is hurting our kids too. In court he tried to prove I was crazy for leaving him to get full custody. He claims he would love for me to prove him wrong and doesn't want to take our son to the bank so he can have access to the records. He claims he would hate for our son to find out mommy took his money.


My question is he thinks it is his right as a parent to see the bank statements even the one in my name. I have shown my children and they trust me despite what he says. They know I would never steal their money. I moved it because I didn't want it wasted on unimportant things that the child was not old enough to understand. So to think I stole it then is ridiculous to me. I have physical custody of the children so does he have a right to demand to see the bank papers? He says showing the kids proves nothing as anyone could fool a 10 year old.

He has already started new accounts for any money they receive as gifts from his side of the family. I thought it was unnecessary but gave him the boys social security cards so he could set the accounts up.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/1/2010 7:26:03 PM

Good Luck, seems like you have a real gem to fight with



Thanks. I keep getting accused of being childish when I ask questions on here but he is the one being impossible to deal with. I try not to fight and just ignore him but he won't let up. Bringing the kids into it is the worst part. They were in in the vehicle waiting to leave with him this time so they didn't hear his accusations but he will say it with them present. I believe he wants them to choose to live with him despite what he says about hoping I prove him wrong. Yay he wins! (his thoughts not mine)
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 3
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/1/2010 8:31:25 PM
As long as the money is put into an account for your son, you don't need to do anything.

I wouldn't have left the money in there if I knew the man would ignore my wishes and allow the child to make a decision about the money when it is apparently for college or something more valuable like a computer.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 4
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/1/2010 8:37:59 PM
The ex and I jointly set up an account for our oldest where it is in trust for him. We are both signatories on that account. I set up an account for the youngest after the separation where I am the only signatory on the account.. and the ex can deposit into that account, but can not withdraw. This is the account he uses for his support payments. Money goes in, I transfer it out.

Not sure about legalities.. and right now your post is a he said/she said drama fest.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 5
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/1/2010 9:53:59 PM
My son wanted to spend $400 not a simple video game. My son was aware of the situation and I still don't think he should of been allowed to buy something like that just because he wanted to. He is only 10, they set up the not until 18 rule for that purpose. He is allowed to spend his gifts of money for birthdays how ever he chooses. He keeps it in a jar and rarely has more than $20 in there because he always needs a new game. It is his money to spend. The savings account was money put aside for his future not to be spent on a new game system he does not need. He has since changed his mind and wants something else instead which he has asked for as a present so he can save his money. My son was perfectly happy with the arrangement of me having his money temporarily it's only my ex that has a problem with it.


It wasn't done as a secret, my son knew I was doing it. I showed him the papers and he was ok with it. He is tired of his dad saying I stole his money.

The ex will find anyway he can to make me look bad in front of our boys.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/1/2010 10:41:12 PM
He already has a playstation2, nintendo ds and psp all bought with his own money but the savings account was not just for "fun" purchases.


The money is still there and my son knows it will be put into an account in his name soon. As their dad found out though at that age they have to have one parent on the account. So now the boys have two savings accounts, one their dad controls and one I do. The money our son gets for gifts mostly goes in the at home jar which he is free to spend. Our younger son who isn't into the games at all likes to save his at home money but the older one must have video games. I still do not think a 10 year old should of been given his savings to spend on a game system. Since his dad was going to go against my wishes and take it out I made it so he couldn't. It's not about being controlling, it's being responsible.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/1/2010 10:44:25 PM
I'm just curious: What would you have done in this situation if you were still married to the man?

Who, out of the three of you ~ Father, Son, Mother would have won..?

Why not split the difference and all three of you chip in for an X-box? Perhaps after your son earns new money aside from the savings and contributes that way? Earning through chores and such.. That way he learns the value of a dollar, won't feel dissapointment in not getting his game, you get chores done, Dad isn't pizzed because he has absolutely no say or control over the situation and you get the satisfaction of his savings continuing to grow for something which is more responsible to your liking.

 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/1/2010 10:50:24 PM
That is a good question and to be honest I don't think the situation would of came up. The thing most don't realize is he is only doing it to put me down to the kids to make himself look better. If we were still married he would not of been "fighting dirty" as he called it and he hasn't stopped the hurtful games yet. He either doesn't realize or doesn't care he is also hurting the children by telling them bad untrue things about their mom.


Exactly


My ex was very much into control and spiteful games when we first separated. I can see him doing something like letting one of the boys blow $400 just to make me upset.
 sjp1969
Joined: 12/28/2007
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/1/2010 10:54:53 PM
My kids had two accounts at one time. Now, that time has passed and things have settled down they have one. My ex was very much into control and spiteful games when we first separated. I can see him doing something like letting one of the boys blow $400 just to make me upset. However, how can they learn to be responsible consumers if they don't make purchase choices? I try to educate them, but in the end most of the choices are theirs.

One exception- video game systems. We have tons of portable systems, but home systems we have two at one time. One for the older boys and one for the younger boys. If they want a new one we get rid of the old one. Sometimes we sell them for $ towards the new system or games for it. Sometimes we give them away. Just gave one of the 3 ds game systems laying around the house (untouched for a year or two) to a little girl for Christmas. It made her Christmas! I feel like kids need to learn to be generous too.

Their money or mine I feel like some things are a parenting issue. The systems are expensive upfront and expensive on a ongoing basis games, controllers, memory cards, on line cards etc. Percentage wise a game system purchase for a child would be like an adult purchasing a new car. Would one person need to keep 4 or 5? Could they afford the upkeep and insurance?
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/1/2010 11:00:36 PM

That is a good question and to be honest I don't think the situation would of came up.
Well, lets pretend it did then.

The thing most don't realize is he is only doing it to put me down to the kids to make himself look better. If we were still married he would not of been "fighting dirty" as he called it
Would he just defer the decision to you then?

he hasn't stopped the hurtful games yet.
That's because he's still hurting I'd imagine (???)

He either doesn't realize or doesn't care he is also hurting the children by telling them bad untrue things about their mom.
Perhaps it's just that he feels he's lost all say in his children's upbringing. Reverse the situation.. How would you have felt if he arbitrarily had done that without consulting you?

I'm not trivializing your situation, just imagining how frustrated he may be feeling over the whole situation.. Unfortunately the more he feels he has no say, the more he may use the children as sounding boards.

Good luck..
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/1/2010 11:06:32 PM
He would of agreed with me that the money should be left in his account not spent on a video game system. Even now he has admitted it shouldn't of been given to a 10 year old. Now he tells the child his mom stole it. I don't know if he really thinks it's true or just wants to upset me by saying it. Telling the boys though is an awful thing to do.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/1/2010 11:22:31 PM

He would of agreed with me that the money should be left in his account not spent on a video game system<
Do you think he would have had the same opinion this time if you had discussed it with him in the same manner you would have if you were both still married? Maybe that strategy might work when the next "big" decision regarding the children comes up. I'm assuming you have joint custody here. If he would have agreed with you then, but not now.. that tells me that he was simply acting out of frustration and feelings of no control over decisions.


Now he tells the child his mom stole it. I don't know if he really thinks it's true or just wants to upset me by saying it. Telling the boys though is an awful thing to do.
Yep.. maybe pointing out to him that the kids are upset when he makes them feel conflicted about their parents will help him to see that they shouldn't be involved in your conflict (UN)resolution.

All my best.. I hope the two of you figure it out.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/1/2010 11:43:48 PM
I was not trying to do anymore than protecting the child's money from being spent instead of left in savings. This is the reason the parents are put in charge until the child turns 18 and I had not divided the account after the divorce because I thought their dad would never allow frivolous spending like that either. I do not know nor do I ask to see the papers from the accounts he set up. My children trust me to not steal their money. I did once quickly so he could not see the account number show the ex the statement showing the money transferred into my account. He still tells the children I stole the money and now wants to see our other sons statements too.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 14
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/2/2010 6:23:43 AM
What you did was back door the father. You forever changed the rules you two will play by. The father setting up the new account is just what he should have done. But that is not likely were it will stop. If the money that was in the account came in part from the father, his wanting to account for that money seems resonable. If the money did not come from him or his side of the family, then I do not think he would have a right to know about it. As I read this it would seem at least some of the money came to your son from his side of the family. If that is true you started this fight.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/2/2010 7:15:12 AM
bittersweetkiss thank you for understanding the situation. If the ex had just simply asked to see the papers it would be one thing (I even showed him once) but even though I explained to him where the money is he started right away with the accusations to the children. In my opinion he is the one doing wrong.
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 16
Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/2/2010 7:18:08 AM

I was not trying to do anymore than protecting the child's money from being spent instead of left in savings. This is the reason the parents are put in charge until the child turns 18 and I had not divided the account after the divorce because I thought their dad would never allow frivolous spending like that either.


I would suggest you like to be in control and have exercised your controlling nature by removing money that both parents had a say in to an account where only you have the final say in.

Now if it was really about finacially responsible choice...one would have placed it in an account where all three signatures were required.

So what is it...when money is removed from an account where either parent can co-sign with a child to one where only one parent can sign or determine what is appropriate use of the money?

Sorry but it does seem stolen to me! Removing it from control of either parent to control of only one parent is just that. Even if it was a prudent decision.

But then controlling behaviours do look to find all manners of justification for their my way or no other way. Because if it was only about insuring the money was there for more beneficial uses...the new account would have required both parents to be contributing and both parents to release the funds....only one parent controlling....defines your controlling position and hence..you stole the money or stole control of the funds...
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 17
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/2/2010 6:10:00 PM
My I, it is interesting that you do not understand that her ex was the type of person to take $400, which most people agree is a lot of money, from an account for college, or a downpayment on a house, etc. to buy a game system that the boy didn't remotely need, if anyone could be construed as "needing" entertainment to begin with, without consulting or reaching agreement with her.

Would you have believed that the ex was in the wrong if he had taken the money and bought the game system when she didn't feel it was an appropriate expenditure given the purpose for the account? Because it sounds like that is exactly what he would have done. If he is truly worried about her "stealing" the boys money the most logical thing TO do would be him opening an account that she has no access to, problem solved, quickly and easily and yet I suspect he isn't much concerned about the money just her making a decision to protect her son's finances independent of him.

Very often when someone posts a thread of this nature, it is because they are dealing with an unreasonable ex. One of the other gals noted that she received "payment" from her ex, $3500, and she discovered that he took the money out of her son's college account. I know many people that would pull the money out of a kid's account, not to keep it for the kid but to spend it on the kid or him/herself.

Some exes are not reasonable and I'm sorry, I would not allow him to have access to the money if I knew he would disregard what the money was for an allow a 10-year-old to make an extremely imprudent decision.

She does have the option of creating an account with both of them as signers but imo, if she is going to leave the money there until the boy goes to college or is otherwise of age, she isn't "doing" anything with the money. If he wishes to put money away that he can take out so that when college comes around there is no money, he can open up his own useless account and do so.


Again I can only speak for here, but if she did not have the child with her, she could not create the account for her son. Here in Canada, you have to have the child with you in order to make the account. If the child is physically not there, you cannot open an account. I tried to open an account for my son while my mom was watching him and they refused it.

Same here and it sounded to me like she transferred the money out of harm's way as I would on the computer with the intent to open the account.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 18
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/2/2010 6:41:55 PM

My son who is 10 wanted to take his entire savings to buy an Xbox 360. I thought this was a really bad idea, he has plenty of video game systems. The account was set up so me and his dad could access it but our son could not alone until he was 18. My ex said we should let him spend his money how ever he wanted [etc]..
Has anyone considered that the kid is playing mom against dad here? Afterall.. mom said it was a bad idea.. then, next thing we know the dad is sticking up for his son and she's withdrawing the money.

If that's the case, maybe mom needs to council the kid that he shouldn't be going behind her back to ask dad for what mom wouldn't give..

.. OP: Can you descibe how dad found out about you and your son's x-box conversation to begin with..??
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/2/2010 7:02:43 PM

ummm... that would be like saying, "Do as I say... not as I do.
maybe so.. but even in two-parent-still-married homes this little child-tactic can cause many a riff between husband and wife. Ideally, parents will discuss decisions regarding the children, that they don't agree on, when the children are not there and then come to a compromise or an acceptance.

Mom went behind everyone's back.
agreed.. but I believe she did it without malice and with the best intentions. She just didn't realize what impact her decision would have on the unsuspecting other parent who I believe she did indeed trust up until the "you should let him do what he wants with his money," or she would have withdrawn it long before now.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/2/2010 7:15:08 PM
lol .. I think it's a common approach by the young :0)
Kids test all the time and will push to see how far they can go . They learn to respect and become good little citizens when they are lovingly steered in the right direction with boundaries put in place that are fair as well as logically and lovingly explained why they are to remain in place... I think, anyway!
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/2/2010 9:34:47 PM
Wow! At least some of you understand. The dad called me while the child was at his house saying he wants to take money out of his account to buy a game system and I think we should let him. I told him it wasn't a good idea and he said he was STILL going to let him. However, the ex did not realize he had access to the account but with the child he figured he did. Would that of been any different than what I did? Except I wanted to protect the child's money from being spent on yet another game system. The bank is in my town about an hour drive from the ex's house. Yes, I transferred the money to my account right away which is easier than filling out new paperwork for an account for the child which would of still required a parents approval to withdraw funds. No there are no fees involved except to keep his old account open $5 had to be left in it. The money is set aside hopefully for college and he is not withdrawing funds from there to purchase video games. He has used birthday and Christmas money for those purchases instead of putting it in savings. His dad made new accounts that require his approval to withdraw funds and I know nothing about them nor feel I should. My ex was the one who started telling the boys I stole their money and the posts who say the ex will do whatever he can to put mom down are right.

Thank you for understanding. If my ex had calmly asked to see the proof I probably would of showed him but even though he knew I showed the kids the bank statements he told them mommy stole your money. Every time I seen him I had to listen to this and so did the boys. I am not trying to be the controlling one, that is the ex. Some of you will not change your opinions though no matter what I say.

All I wanted to know from the original post was if I should show him the papers even though the kids know I didn't spend it. No I did not use it to cover expenses it is sitting in the account drawing interest just like it would of in the other account with the child's name on it. I told our son I will put in extra money when I transfer it.

On a different note when we were going through the divorce the ex went behind my back and took ATM withdrawals out of our joint account of the maximum amount $400 until I removed him from the account. It was originally in my name so I didn't need his signature to do so. He didn't want me to have any money left so I would have to come crawling back to him.

There were so many posts I can't recall what I wanted to reply to.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/3/2010 12:34:16 AM
The money was in a SAVINGS account NOT to be used until college or something else important. It was NOT there for a 10 yr old to spend on a game that is why banks require a parent's approval. I did NOT steal it but if the other parent can't be responsible then he shouldn't have access to it. I am NOT using it just protecting it. The kid NEVER had control of it. NONE of it is being spent, it is being SAVED for the child's future. My sons do however have control over how they spend gifts of money that are not put into this account. I was not being controlling but I was not going to have my ex take the child and withdraw all the money out which he intended to do against my wishes. As I said there are those on here who will NEVER understand the ex is the controlling one and I let him use me for a doormat for years but I wasn't going to let him waste the child's SAVINGS just to spite me. As for someone who said he was willing to compromise, he wasn't. I was answering for a post that asked what would of happened if we were still together. The situation wouldn't of came up because he would of agreed with me it should be left in the account. He is just trying to "fight dirty" even though the fight (custody hearings) are long over. I wish we could parent together but he wants to turn the kids against me so he can be the favorite. This is why he continues telling our boys mommy stole your money.


My kids are fine with me having the money but wish their dad would drop it with the mommy took it and spent it CRAP. My ex came over one day and owed them each $5 for their spending money and the kids were busy playing and said give it to mommy. The ex was not happy his plan wasn't working. Thankfully the boys KNOW they can STILL trust me. It went right into their spend as they choose "fun" money that mommy or daddy does NOT control. Their dad stood there to watch that I put it where it should be. I could of took it out when he left so to me that was acting untrusting and controlling. My oldest son keeps his jar hidden in my room ever since a friend stole $40 from it when it was in his room. Luckily he got it back when he confronted the friend the next day. This was STEALING as he intended to keep it but got caught since he was the only one could of took it.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 23
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/3/2010 7:42:19 AM
My opinion didn't matter. He only asked because he wanted me to take our son to the bank, it's closer. When I disagreed with him he STILL was going to let the child use the money without me being ok about it. How am I being the controlling one? I am just protecting it. A child does not have control of it. If both parents can not agree on saving it for the future as it was intended then it was best to have two accounts which we do now. I have NOTHING to do with the accounts my ex set up. I see no reason he has to DEMAND to see the papers for this one. He right away no matter what I said told the boys I stole both their money even though I only transferred our older sons account. He still says I stole it and I did NOT.

He tried getting me to set up the new accounts for him until I explained they could not be ONLY in the child's name. If I had set up new accounts they would again require MY approval not his but he didn't feel like making a trip to his credit union in town.


As I said those of you judging me will never see differently, so be it.
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 24
Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/3/2010 12:35:52 PM

My opinion didn't matter. He only asked because he wanted me to take our son to the bank, it's closer. When I disagreed with him he STILL was going to let the child use the money without me being ok about it. How am I being the controlling one?


And your husbands opinion counts how much when you mandate the decision my taking the funds...Under your interpretation of what is or is not appropriate! So how is it any different?


Wow! At least some of you understand.


Are those the ones who follow your lead or agree with your opinion and those who do not.....do not understand....

The issue is about control or who knows better. An easier or better situation would have been to leave the money and if the ex steals it...then he is the one stealing the child money...or split it 50/50 where the father gives his son his money to do with as he pleases...and you take your sons money and put it away ???? as you see fit.

No matter how one spins it...or suggests others are incapable of seeing what is reasonable....control or assuming complete control is robbing the other parent of a voice in the decision making...even if it is not prudent.




He has already started new accounts for any money they receive as gifts from his side of the family. I thought it was unnecessary but gave him the boys social security cards so he could set the accounts up.


Thought it was unnecessary that the money his family gives the children goes into a separate bank account? No doubt you would have preferred it go in an account that you have final say... Since as you have suggested often...you have a better understanding of appropriate use of the childrens money....


Since his dad was going to go against my wishes and take it out I made it so he couldn't. It's not about being controlling, it's being responsible.


Control issues...going againts your wishes so taking the money you state your wishes or views trump the ex....and she does not see the hypocrisy??
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 25
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Access to child's bank account is it the right of both parents?
Posted: 1/3/2010 2:46:06 PM
What would have been acceptable for him to spend the money on?



NOTHING, at this point it is important to NOT spend his savings especially not ANOTHER game system. It was money to be saved for when the child is older. As a parent controlling a child's bank account is NOT being controlling. He is 10, they make the parent approval for a reason. Children waste money.


Women don't "get" video games... but just because you women think it's "something stupid" doesn't mean it is....


I used to like playing video games, some women do. I had an Atari and Nintendo, wow I am old.lol Your categorizing all women to be the same. AND for the record, the ex hates video games. I used to play them a lot.

Just today my son bought a game for his PSP with his "jar" money. I paid for it until we got home. He has to pay me back with some quarters because he is running out of money but it was his choice to spend all of it. However, no one takes money out of the savings set aside in the BANK for the children.


The ex was going to take the money out and let the child spend it AGAINST my wishes so why am I the only one doing wrong?
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