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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > I was just curious to what you think.      Home login  
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 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 3
I was just curious to what you think.Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I am sorry for your loss.

You haven't mentioned any time frame here so it's hard to really say. But...it sounds like your mother has been gone for at least six months. It also sounds like she had an extended terminal illness.

In many cases...the grieving process begins during that illness. And...in many cases...it ends at or shortly after the death.

It sounds like your dad was very good to your mother. He made a commitment until death did them part.

He is ready to move on and it sounds like he is being considerate about who he brings into your lives. If he didn't care...he might still be dating the gal you mentioned.

Would your mother want him to spend the rest of his life without companionship? Do you?

How much longer do you think he should be alone before you are ready for him to find happiness?

He is not dishonoring your mother or what she meant to him or to you.

It's probably time to be supportive.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 11
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I was just curious to what you think.
Posted: 1/3/2010 2:57:01 PM
"I heard from a therapist that the widdow should wait atleast a year"

and when that therapist is king of the world then that might mean something, untilthat it is just one more person talking out of their but. The only one who can say what the right amount of time is, the widdow. Just like after a divoce some people need time others don't need any time at all. Being judgmental towards people for thing like this is just a sad thing.
 TiffLS
Joined: 10/28/2009
Msg: 14
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/3/2010 3:11:24 PM
I think that men who were in good, deep, lasting relationships are more likely to look to replace them quickly in this kind of circumstances. Sure, it's tough to watch and I'm sure you feel a little like he's saying your mom was replaceable, but I suspect that what it really means is that he was so happy in his marriage and it endured for so long that he doesn't know any other way to live and is looking to replicate the life that worked so well for him.

I definitely won't tell you that you don't have the "right" to be angry--you feel what you feel. But that anger probably isn't going to do either one of you any good as you deal with a very difficult situation in different ways.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 16
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Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/3/2010 4:55:48 PM
Well hon, first of all, you have my sympathies, you are barely grown and I was 35 when I lost my father, had lived 1000 miles away from home since I was 19, and it still was very hard. Remember that you are going through a grieving process and this affects your emotions in general.

Second, good on your for asking the question. You can't help how you feel and I am sure that to a degree it relates back to you feeling that he is being disloyal to your mom, totally normal, but there is a difference between the way you feel and working that out and what you DO.

You don't have, unless like the other instance when someone has really not respected the family at all, etc. saying something to him about it. But please honey, reread what you wrote about your dad, they were very much in love and he never left her side.

Your heart probably feels like if he really loved her, he couldn't be talking to other women but you have to realize that he if he was married to her for at least 19 years, he is probably extremely lonely and it is a kind of lonely that cannot be filled by his children and friends. Someone with a good marriage like that, must feel as if one of his arms have been cut off.

Realistically, other than casual dating, it would be unwise for him to become involved at the present time because even if your mother was ill for quite some time, he really isn't in any shape to be with someone else. Even if he does remarry, no one is going to replace your mother, and that is part of why it feels the way it does for you. I think if he feels like he has your support, he will be careful and choose someone that is kind, etc. rather than grasping at the first woman that crosses his path. He has demonstrated that he will listen to your concerns and ended a relationship because of them so maybe you should try to trust him a bit more?


In many cases...the grieving process begins during that illness. And...in many cases...it ends at or shortly after the death.

This is very true, a woman I worked with whose husband had heart disease died around the holidays and when they rolled around again I asked if it was particularly hard being the first year after he died and she said really it isn't, because I lost my husband a long time before he died. What you see as starting when your mother died started long before she did, whether he knew it or not.

Honey, how can he be honest with you when you have made it clear that you disapprove of him dating anyone? That's kind of a passive aggressive thing because you have created an environment that has made it impossible for him to be honest with you. I think with your younger brother around, it would be acceptable to ask him not to bring women to the house for a time but it really isn't fair to put on him that your mother would have remained in mourning.

One of the things you will learn with age is that even you do not know what you would do in a given situation. I have a friend who was a great mother and when her husband passed, she pretty much left her 13 and 16-year-old living in the house alone, she said she couldn't there with him gone, I almost had a heart attack. I didn't remotely approve of what she did but I also have never lost a spouse. You lost a mother, that is a horrible deep loss but it is also a different loss from a spouse.

Your parents have been raising you so that you will be an independent adult soon but your dad lived in partnership with someone for over twenty years, in some ways he is like a young man again from the standpoint that he is not used to handling everything himself. Even if this does not make sense because of what he took on to take care of her and you kids, psychologically he wasn't really alone until now. I have noticed that men seem to have a harder time of the transition living alone than women and many are the type that will themselves become ill and die shortly after their wives.

In your head, you know your dad is human, but not in your heart, in your heart you still expect him to make good decisions, be a responsible parent, etc. and many people act a little bit crazy when their spouse dies, this may just be his version of crazy. You need to keep telling yourself that your father honored your mother until the day he died, and I am sure he will always honor her in his heart but he must also go on living and regardless of what you have read, sentencing him to at least 3 years of loneliness is not really what a caring individual does. That said, he needs to get a grip and do his dating outside of the house but if he also cannot talk on the phone to women because that will upset you, you are painting him into a corner.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 17
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Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/3/2010 5:09:48 PM

suspect that what it really means is that he was so happy in his marriage and it endured for so long that he doesn't know any other way to live and is looking to replicate the life that worked so well for him.

May be hard for you to see it that way but it is really a touching tribute to the relationship he had with your mother.
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 18
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/3/2010 5:12:28 PM
Living is not disrespectful to the dead and doesn't mean that he didn't love your mother or that he doesn't still love her. She's just not here any longer and there's no getting around that. Believe it or not, the relationship even with adult children is not the same as a relationship with a contemporary, so no matter how much you love him, you may not be able to meet the needs he's having right now that a woman may. She may be company, confidant, or even lover at some point.

Bottom line: I think that his relationships are his business, not his childrens' business. Love him, support him, and if he happens to find a woman to share his life with again, congratulate him. This is the same obligation and appropriate behaviour as he should put towards YOUR relationships.

I'm 36, and I haven't managed to find even one man to share my life with. If he's had a wonderful life with one woman, he and you are darn lucky. If he can find another, I'm envious.

Nutt
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 19
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/3/2010 5:23:54 PM
Wow, you're really pissed your dad's out on the dating scene. There isn't any problem with him whatsoever just because he's hit the dating scene. People handle situations in different ways. Some people can handle situations of a loved one dying over time, being mentally prepared for it, etc. much better than waking up one day to find out a loved one died in an auto accident and never get over it.

He's not cheating on your mom. He's not disrespecting her. I totally understand that you seeing him with another woman is very uncomfortable; that's natural. But don't assume what he's doing is wrong. He has emotional issues he's dealing with, let the guy live his life that comforts him the most, I say.

And I agree one should usually wait at least a year -- for a real couple-hood situation, but I'm sure that varies from person to person (longer or shorter). However, he's probably getting his feet wet in the dating scene and just casually dating, which could be good for him in the moving on process, with it being too much for him to deal with a relationship.
 NappyKAT
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 20
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/4/2010 4:28:52 AM
This is going to sound curt and flippant but here goes -

sounds like he did your mom well to the end. Now she is gone.
Now he's a lonely, horny old dude.
He did his grieving so he doesn't need counseling (or so he says), but it sounds like you all do because you are still grieving your mother's death and you want you dad to grieve like you want him to grieve, which is not date other women.

But you can't control that. So leave it be and do what you gotta do to help you.
Let ol' dude cure his loneliness and horniness in the most normal way he sees fit.

And that one year of grieving for a spouse thang - what is this the middle east? There is no hard and fast rule about when to move on from grieving. Women need to understand that too and get a move on whenever they get a move on. I find nothing impressive about that chick mentioned who turned down guys because she wanted to look like a grieving widow. Might look good to other folks, but really - there ain't nobody to impress. Let them think what they will.
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 21
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/4/2010 5:18:05 AM
Im so sorry for yourt loss.

I lost the love of my life in 2007, and 2 years and 9 months after the death i still feel pangs and guilt about being in a relationship with someone else, simply because even though i did stay with my man till deatn did uspart, i never thouight death would part us...so soon. I cant imagine being involved with someone before the body has even coolled off, but that is only me, your dad has the right to live life as he see's fit, because it is his life. Some people just cant stand to be alone and will jump from relationship to relationship, even if the last one ended in death and there hasnt been a grieving period.

Just last night i had this dream that we were having a 50th anniversary party, and we were making a toast and started dancing, then he turned to a pile of ashes in my arms. woke up this morning literally shaking while i was brewing my coffee and dressing my kids for school.

Its not something you ever really "get over", but lets face it most younger widows dont want to live a nuns life for the rest of their years, so if he wants to date now rather than later, rhis choice.


Hugs to you xoxoxo
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 23
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/4/2010 9:16:39 AM
OP, you have my condolences. I've lost my mom, too, but not when I was very young.

As for your dad, maybe he's just trying to fill that empty void in his life and is just seeking female companionship right now. He's lonely. Try to understand him in that regard. But I also think he should consider your feelings, too and not let a woman he is dating over step her bounds whatever they may be.
 Twilightslove
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 26
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Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/4/2010 11:44:00 AM
Loss is a very personal thing and each of us handle it differently. Sometimes people are able to move through loss quickly and other times it takes many, many years to fully feel that you have dealt with it.

This loss is more recent than not and yet there was time of preparing for your dad with your moms illness yet I'm sure he was not in the least really prepared. I've spoken to people on the internet who were going through similar things. The man that I remember the most said he and his wife had discussed her illness and that she wanted him to move on. They had several children. Her fear was that he could not handle all the duties alone and wanted him to have someone who would love him and support him like she had. Neither one were looking to replace her spot. She just wanted him to have what he needed to continue on.

When my husband left my children and I (separation not death) I was overwhelmed and lost. I had no one to turn to for support; for comfort; to spill my emotions out with and ended up talking to people on the internet about it. Eventually there were a couple of men that I began seeing for a short while and at that point it was more a feeling of not being totally unlovable then looking for love. They were fun and we had good times. I felt happier then I had in a good while and yet I knew I was no more ready to start over again at that time. It did provide me with the needed boost to continue living and taking care of my children though and the conversations gave me an outlet that I wouldn't have had otherwise. I needed those conversations. They helped me to sort out what went wrong and what went right. They helped me to see the strength in me that I thought was long gone.

Grief counseling is needed perhaps yet I would get it for you, your brothers, and ask your dad if he would consider it. If not, believe that he will work it out in his own way and know that he loved your mom deeply. It could be that he is a bit overwhelmed with your emotions and your brothers. He has never had to deal with that as your mom probably handled it all so it is probably a whole new ballgame.
 chrisofpa
Joined: 8/28/2009
Msg: 27
I was just curious to what you think.
Posted: 1/4/2010 1:28:34 PM
To the OP - Just a couple of thoughts.

1. Does your dad live alone? What other friends/family/interests does he have? A house, no matter how small, gets extremely quiet and lonely when a spouse passes and the kids are out of the house.

2. If you live with your dad, consider that you are probably out of the house for some period of time. Again, that leaves a quiet, creaky house with no one home.

Also, keep in mind that there are differences between men and women. You said that your mom would never act the way your dad is acting. I can't say because I don't know them.

Another thing is that the loss of a spouse is traumatic for the average person. Right now, he might just be trying to find his path (teenagers and 20 somethings don't have the exclusive on 'finding themselves')

If he was faithful throughout the marriage, then there is a good possibility that he will not feel guilt or remorse about dating.

The only thing I'd add as an old guy is to try to see if you can find a way to connect with your dad. Once your parents or any other loved one in gone, you might find that you wished you had done things a bit differenlty. However, that depends a lot on where you are in your life.

I think you might also be afraid that a girlfriend/second wife would put distance between your dad and you. That is a real concern. However, distancing yourself from him might make that situation worse.

(keep in mind that I have a lot of things that I should be doing differently in my life and that I'm certainly not an expert. I'm just throwing some things out and hoping they help)

Good luck!!!
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 30
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Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:26:01 PM

not just for being on my side without asking you to be but I feel like you're thinking more logically and not only being in his shoes, you're also putting yourself in mine.

You think that anyone is not on your side? People responded because we ARE on your side but what you asked was about your father, whose grief is separate from yours. We cannot begin to tell you how to deal with your grief because it is highly individual even though the stages are experienced by everyone.

You are now an adult and I am sure that you want your father to respect you and treat you accordingly but that is a two-way street. If your friends merely agree with what you say and offer you no viable alternatives for understanding your father's situation as well as creating a better relationship to go forward with, they are not your friends.

People have told you what they did because one of the valuable lessons you will learn about life is that it is much happier when you learn to try to walk in another's shoes. Everyone that posted to this thread understands how you feel and many of us also said that your feelings are very valid, but your feelings are very different from how a mature adult should conduct himself/herself.

Perhaps it is easier for you to be angry at your father than your mother but your father is the only parent you now have, and I suspect you would wish to have your dad in your life for the moments you have coming ahead. If you don't want your father lying to you then you need to sit down and tell him that you would prefer it if he was honest about his dating and that you would prefer that he try to keep it away from the house.
 kenny1979
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 31
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Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/4/2010 11:43:39 PM
Honestly after reading your thread post, I thought to myself, I bet this is a young girl. who's feeling are hurt, because she thinks that her dad is trying to find a replacement for her mother, so chances are any person that her father finds, she will hate, and try to destroy her father's relationship with the new woman. Then in a fews years from now, she will be online somewhere complaining about how some woman, ruined her and her father's relationship...........That is what I thought before clicking on your profile...

and seeing that you are only 19... now I'll go back and read the thread and your profile, and anwser this again
 kenny1979
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 32
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I was just curious to what you think.
Posted: 1/4/2010 11:55:21 PM
Ok I read part of this thread and part of your profile, and my thoughts have not changed from the original statements I wrote.......I think you are spoiled rotten and used to getting your way, and you will probably make your dad's life miserable, untl he gets tired of it and cuts you off......sorry that's what I see happening

You and your family have to understand Your dad is his own man, just because he is looking for companionship, doesn't mean that he didn't love your mother. There is also emotional needs that he has that you can't understand yet, just because someone you love dies, doesn't mean life doesn't go on.......Sometimes there are things that hurt a person's heart so much that you need to talk with an outside source about(friend or stranger) that may not be as judgemental and/or that can give a perspective from the outside looking in.....

I will just leave you with this.......Please don't ruin your father's life, with you own selfishness.............there is more wisdom in those words, then you will probably realize.

I hope everything gets better, but I do feel you should be less judgemental towards your fathers decisions, trust that he knows what he is doing.
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 33
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/5/2010 12:02:28 AM
I sympathize for your loss, but have to disagree with you. Would you prefer that your father never date again and live for (possibly) many years as a lonely, old man? When one's spouse dies, any reasonable person would want the one they love to move on and find happiness again. Do you honestly think your mother would have spent the rest of her life focused on his death had the tables been turned? No, she would have mourned him (as he has done her) and moved on with her life as any sane person does. As his daughter, you should also want him to find happiness again. This does, in no way, diminish what he had with your mother, but her death should not mean that he needs to crawl in the casket and bury any chance for happiness with her. What kind of person begrudges their loved ones the chance for happiness? He stayed with her through her terminal illness. What more do you need to know to show you how much he loved her? No person should have mourning another person as the focus of their life -- it just isn't healthy.

As for the lying: he is your father. He has no obligation to tell you every little detail of his personal life (and, for that matter, do you really want to know?). He's lying to you because he's seen your disapproval and doesn't want to hurt you more. Do you tell your father about every single aspect of your personal life? If not (and I certainly hope that you don't), why do you think that he hasn't the same right to keep things private, as he sees fit? Do you honestly think that he's not, above all, a sexual being (as are all humans) and that that aspect of his life should be over now? It is not your right to pass judgment on his behaviour, and if you care about him at all, you would have his happiness in mind and encourage him to pursue something that will bring joy to his life. Think about it from his point of view: he's been out of the dating pool for at least a couple of decades. Do you not think that this whole thing is new and scary for him too, and that maybe, he's just trying to figure out what he wants now, and all you're doing every time he's trying to figure things out is passing judgment and looking down your nose at him. What about those actions would make him want to tell you about the people he's seeing? Furthermore, of course a parent is going to talk about their children to people they are dating; that does not mean, however, that all their conversations are limited to their children. Think about it: if you are dating someone, you probably talk about your family too, so why wouldn't your father? It's called "getting to know someone" and part of learning about someone is learning about the important people in their lives.

So you have a younger brother living at home. Do you think that it would give him a healthy example of relationships to show him that if one's spouse dies the other might as well have died right along with them? Or is it perhaps a healthier example to show a child that although a person can have great love for another, no one should ever make another person their sole reason for living or happiness?

It sounds like your dad is looking at this in a mature manner that you seem to lack.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 34
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/5/2010 3:07:16 AM
I am sorry for your loss but I know what your father is going thur. My wife passed away in feb. of 2006 and in sept I meet a lady and went out on my first date, and my childeren was happy that i did as they could see how depressed I was and lonely I was. I havent found the one I want to spend the rest of my life with but I keep hopeing. I dont know how long they were married, I was 1 month shy of 35 years and its still very hard to get up evrey day and be alone, I have childeren and a granddaugther and they are a big help but its not the same. Every day I wake up and still wish god had taken me when he took her but he didnt so I have to make the best of a bad situation.
 kenny1979
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 35
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Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/5/2010 5:32:26 AM
notaowniegirl..........I haven't read many replies to this thread, or anything she wrote besides the op and what you quoted.........
but I hope if that if she truely wants her situation to get better, and can handle the honest to GOD truth then she read and listen to your advise..You are right on in everything you posted...very wise I must say

I just hope she does take your advice, and that this thread was not made with her just hoping everyone would tell her, that she is right( take her side)
sadly I do think that the only posts that she will actually pay attention too are the ones that say, she's in the right.......

You know kids are taugh now adays nothing is ever their fault, blame others.... But hopefully she be different then others her age........

again great advice
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 37
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/5/2010 8:34:05 AM
I find it odd that there are people on here ASSUMING that the father has entered into a FWB relationship. I don't remember reading the Mod saying that he was, you just assumed. Realistically, do you think any parent would ever tell their child that they were? "Honey, I'd like you to me Tina, she's my FWB"?! You have no idea the reality of the father's dating life because we only have information based on what the mod has said. You also have no idea the extent to what he was talking about his children. The mod just said she heard him talking about her, not that he was telling someone else about every aspect of his children's personal lives. Do you honestly think that no parent should ever talk to anyone else about their children? I reiterate, you have no idea what he was saying to this person about the children. You say it's ok to say that you have children. Maybe he was doing just that. Do you think that if you tell someone you have kids they aren't going to ask questions about them, like how old they are, what are their names, etc... It is a part of getting to know someone, but like I said earlier, don't ever assume that the children are the sole topics of their conversations. The mod seems to think she is privy to every single nuance of personal conversations her father has (between their mother and the new women he is dating).

As for the waiting until kids are out of the house: in this day and age, that could be years and years. Should the father wait to date for another 10 or 15 years until his (now) grown son decides to move out because the son can't deal with his father having a life?
 ~JustSimplyMe~
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 38
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I was just curious to what you think.
Posted: 1/5/2010 8:55:07 AM
Where it may be too soon for you, it obviously isn't too soon for him. He more than likely has had his closure, and has been able to accept that the woman he loved has gone. It's hard being the child, and not wanting someone to take you mothers place, but think about it....has he ever had to live alone? Probably not. I bet he's lonely and needs someone to fill that void.
Considering that he is a grown man, he can do as he pleases. If you lost your husband after a battle with cancer and decided to move on to the next bloke 5 or 6 months later I don't think you would appreciate your father stepping in and being rotten about it.
Be happy for him that he has come to terms with his grief!
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 40
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/5/2010 9:29:15 AM
There is a good chance that, without exception, I have had the greatest amount of exposure to grief and grieving families/individuals.

What I can tell you is that the short and long term effects differ for everyone in term of degree and expression.

I can also tell you that holding something against someone that is behaving reactionary to grief is an injustice. This is what we are doing. Some...by accusing the OP of being selfish. Some by claiming dad is thinking with his****

Families are torn apart over issues of final disposition, money, disposition of property, storage of mementos, gifting of personal items to charity...the OP's issue at hand...and the list goes on and on.

We do not serve the OP well by either supporting her view...or defending dad.

People will do strange things while grieving. The only sound advice is to attempt to be sympathetic of each others grief and forgiving for the sometimes odd ways they express it.

Grief is more powerful than drugs. Would you hold something against a loved one for behavior while coming out of sedation? Or for the sometimes nasty things our ladies say to us during the peek of child birth? I hope not.

Personally...I know that when my kids were young...my hope would have been that my SO would find someone that would love her and my children, respect my place in their hearts...and care for them at least as well as I would.

Now...I hope they honor me by remembering me from time to time...especially those special moments...and live their lives. And save their money and time from graveside flowers and visits and use same to live their own "individual" lives in a manor that maximises their happiness.

Opie isn't wrong for feeling the way she does. Dad's not either.

I think they could both be little more understanding of each other.
 Twilightslove
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 41
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I was just curious to what you think.
Posted: 1/5/2010 9:31:52 AM
Hospice care normally provides services to the entire family for up to a year after death. You or your father should have their phone number. They called me after my father's death to see how I was doing and if I needed to talk.

Your fifteen year old brother can receive counseling through his school and if you were to go in to see his counselor on his behalf I'm sure they would be more than willing to talk to you and your other brother as well.

Churches are often set up to provide grief counseling so you might check into that.

Let your father know that you need him now. You have to tell him exactly what you are feeling though. Men understand when you are direct. They do not always understand when you are hinting at things. You could start out by saying that you are angry that your mom died or hurt or scared. You could tell him that you and your brothers need him so much right now to help you through this all and that you understand that he is looking for help in his own way yet you wish you could all get help together.

It's so hard to understand why someone dies especially when we feel they should still be here. Seek out the help you all need and do not be afraid to say exactly what you need.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 44
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Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/5/2010 6:18:55 PM

My grandfather died 15 years ago.... my grandmother started seeing someone in October. Most of her children banded together to tell her that she was disgracing his memory, and that she would be dead to them if she remarried. I saw her at Christmas, sitting in the corner, all by herself, waiting to go home to an empty house simply because her children couldn't get over themselves and their hurt enough leave her alone. She made that choice for a bunch of people who can only be bothered to swing by a couple of times a year for holidays.

This really made me want to cry. My mother has been widowed for 10 years and will likely spend the rest of her life alone because there is no dating pool for her. Men her age are generally in terrible health and I can't see my mother doing the cougar thing or why someone, maybe 60, that was similar or better in health would be attracted to my mother and the gazillion pills she now has to take to stay reasonably healthy.

Maybe think of it this way. It has been nearly a year and you believe this is still too soon and many people would agree with you but when will it be okay and what if he is sitting in the corner 15 years from now? You and your brother will be moving out soon, and the childless time your parents thought they would share is now gone with your mother. Say he waits 5 or 10 years, what if the woman that would have made him happy he never meets because he kept waiting until it was okay with YOU to get on with his life.

I know a man whose wife died of cancer, her illness was fairly short but they spoke about life after she was gone and she told him he needed to marry again because he was one of those guys that wouldn't have managed to keep living without a partner. She even knew who he would marry, his high school sweetheart had been widowed a few years before and the couples had been friends most of their adult lives. His children went ballistic when he married her, because they felt it was disrespectful to their mother when realistically it would have been disrespectful not to and have died of a broken heart. Now, you think your actions, not your feelings, your actions are justified because of your age and that of your brothers but these people were late 20s early 30s, at what point does a parent's life belong to him rather than his children?

The best way to really respect those that are departed is to live happy and full lives, not to spend the rest of your life focusing on that one moment when you lost them rather than all of the good stuff that happened before then.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 45
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/5/2010 6:39:06 PM
Men have a different coping mechanism than women. Men that are go getters tend so not sit around and cry, but try to get over, by meeting other people. You in the other hand have a different way of grieving. And that is okay. But your dad, may still love your mom, but he needs to move on with his life. And that is the way he is doing it. And there's nothing wrong with that.
 bliss.stars
Joined: 6/12/2009
Msg: 47
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/8/2010 1:04:54 PM
im sorry for your loss...

i would be pi$$ed too...however...
i would stop and think about the great love between your parents...
im assuming your mother had been sick for a while, which would lead to my next assumption - they probably talked about this subject. there are probably many things they discussed that nobody will ever know about.

keep in mind that your father did stop dating a woman that your family did not approve of. so in a way, your dad is being respectful while going about his business.

his actions could very well be his way of grieving...
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