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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?      Home login  
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 makeba
Joined: 9/28/2009
Msg: 1
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
You have been married to this man for 8 years now. He makes you happy. He loves you - deduced from his actions/behavior etc. He is all what you want except that he has told you that he doesn't find you attractive. He hasn't asked you to do anything per se to change your appearance. He just doesn't find you attractive.
Now the question is:
Is this offensive enough to want to break it off?
Does your partner has to find you attractive for them to love you?
In fact is the "attractiveness" part necessary at all?

I AM NOT THE PERSON IN THIS SITUATION. ..AS I WON'T BE ON POF POSING AS A SINGLE WOMAN.
 001-100
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 2
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/3/2010 7:29:48 PM
So to answer your questions:
1. NO. It is not offensive enough for me to break it off. You don't expect him to find you attractive ALL the time.
2. He/She does not necessarily have to find you attractive to love you. Falling in love does not only happen because the person is attractive. I am talking from experience because I don't date guys just because they are necessarily attractive. Other qualities can (and usually do) take precedence.
3. See #2 above. Attractiveness is not the ONLY factor/quality a person falls in love with about another.
 1Keith7
Joined: 10/19/2009
Msg: 3
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/3/2010 7:34:55 PM
It is definitely NOT OFFENSIVE!
You don't necessarily date only attractive people.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 4
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/3/2010 7:58:16 PM
Depends. Does he tell me why he doesn't? Did he EVER? Do I have to go without sex because of this? And I mean GOOD sex?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 5
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/3/2010 8:33:22 PM
What I find odd is the comment, it isn't that he is not attracted to her anymore, my question would be did you think you were attracted to me or were you once attracted to me and now aren't? You left out a major point, do they have sex and is it any good?

It is a nebulous comment that requires a great deal of clarification but maybe a question she should be asking herself is whether without having ever heard that comment, was she happy? If she was happy and doesn't believe that the statement is indicative of dissatisfaction on his part that will lead to marital strife or breaking of vows, if they get along well, have sex enough for both to be happy, who cares whether he finds her attractive or not? Something is keeping him there and unless she is a trust fund baby, I imagine it is because he loves who she is, not what she looks like. Most people would kill for that kind of love, just ask anyone that has been in an accident and wound up alone because of a disfiguring injury.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 6
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/3/2010 8:55:55 PM
Why would he marry someone to whom he wasn't attracted? And why would he tell her such a thing?? No person, who truly loves their partner, would say they don't find them attractive. That is incredibly hurtful. I find the fact that he told her this to be extremely offensive.

I believe you can fall in love with someone who you don't initially find physically attractive. The more you get to know them and connect with them emotionally, the more attractive they become in your eyes and the more you love them. That doesn't mean that you suddenly find them incredibly beautiful or handsome, but their personality, sense of humor, intelligence, kindness and all the things that make them who they are makes them more attractive to you. I have been with men who certainly wouldn't be considered handsome by most standards, but their personalities and the way they treated me made them very attractive to me. And I would never have conceived of telling them that I didn't find them physically attractive.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 7
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/3/2010 9:07:42 PM

Is this offensive enough to want to break it off?

Nope, not at all.

Does your partner has to find you attractive for them to love you?

Romantically, yes. As a friend or companion, no. But again, for a real relationship? Absolutely. When you grow together you can still find someone attractive even when they're not looking their best. This is probably why people "let themselves go" after marriage - lol.

In fact is the "attractiveness" part necessary at all?

Absolutely. Now, if they're in a stage not finding them attractive, that can be something where they're not attracted to them on the surface but underneath it all, when it's all said and done they are. For example, "I'm not finding her attractive in these recent times" -- that's not a call to stop a marriage, and they can still love them romantically... which means they are attracted at the core, but their attraction level went down to a point of concern. That's MO.
 WalksOnWater2
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 8
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/3/2010 9:20:46 PM
If I was married to that man for 8 years and he kept telling me that he doesn't find me attractive, I would get the whip and beat some good manners in him, which his mother neglected to teach him. So there!
 WalksOnWater2
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 9
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/3/2010 10:00:51 PM

I guess his mother did not have a chance... he liked HER looks.

He probably did, but SHE should have taught him manners!

 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 10
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/3/2010 10:47:22 PM
It would take a lot more info to really answer this, and one would have to know the context....but really, why in the hell would you tell someone you love that you don't find them attractive. I find that a very odd thing to say, what would be it's purpose.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 11
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/3/2010 11:45:40 PM
I don't think marriage is supposed to a fairy tale or a Hollywood romantic comedy. I suspect that after 8 years, most couples go through some sort of period where their attraction for the other wanes. I don't think it's enough of a reason to split up. I also don't think it's a very good idea for either person to tell the other person this, but too late now, I guess. I would hope they can work on some way of reigniting the fire between them, or ride this out for a while and see if it changes with time.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 12
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 1:06:06 AM
In my experience, attraction is absolutely necessary, and if the man isn't finding it in the marriage, then he is or one day will be seeking it elsewhere.

This is not just a "ignore it; it'll go away" issue. It's a potential marriage-breaker that must be addressed.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 13
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 4:59:35 AM
That's another reason why I divorced him, along with the drinking, lack of privacy--he lived with his mum.

This could have also been the reason he treated me shabbily-calling ugly names like C-U-Next Tuesday. He didn't have to marry me, didn't have to "feel sorry for me".

I think people need to be honest with each other and yes, attractiveness plays a part unfortunately. I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech and "oh you're like a sister to me" Oh really dude do you fck your sister? What gives?
 makeba
Joined: 9/28/2009
Msg: 14
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 6:07:57 AM
Some clarifications:
1. The SEX I understand is still frequent and good.
2. The comment of attractiveness came about during a discussion as to what is important in forming a relationship. The man listed a few characteristics specifically excluding attractiveness. The woman brought it up and maintained it was the most important..at which point the guy said (and I quote) "We wouldn't be married if it was just due to attractiveness because I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!
3. The guy doesn't harp about it on a daily basis. Its just this one time and she has taken it too hard (in my opinion)!
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 15
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:06:51 AM
does he love her?

does he respect her?

is he loyal to her?

does he take care of a provide for her?

if he does all these more important things, then he is also entitled to his opinion.

MHO......She would be a fool to get a divorce.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 16
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 9:06:25 AM
8 years together and he doesn't find her attractive?? I don't get it, nor do I believe it. To say something like that to your partner is needlessly cruel, and should get you tossed out the door.

There is a word for someone of the opposite sex that you care about deeply, and yet don't find them particularly attractive personally...friend. You can be with someone that may not be empirically attractive by most standards, but to be intimately involved in a LTR there would have to be something that you personally find attractive in her/him, or else you're just fooling yourself, and likely waiting for something better to come along.
 RazzleRoadRunner
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 17
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 9:17:22 AM
OP...........not sure why they would have gotten married, if he didn't find her attractive.
Is this like a Will & Grace scenario, a brother/sister or roommate situation? If the relationship was previously based on physical attraction as well.........I would start wondering if he is having an affair!!! What does he do to make her feel loved and is there any type of affection? Lack of major info here.......
 wacowboy3
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 18
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 9:34:58 AM
Some clarifications:
1. The SEX I understand is still frequent and good.
2. The comment of attractiveness came about during a discussion as to what is important in forming a relationship. The man listed a few characteristics specifically excluding attractiveness. The woman brought it up and maintained it was the most important..at which point the guy said (and I quote) "We wouldn't be married if it was just due to attractiveness because I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!
3. The guy doesn't harp about it on a daily basis. Its just this one time and she has taken it too hard (in my opinion)!
With the above information I find that most have missed the boat on this one in my opinion.
I have found in my relationships that there has to be some attraction. Now granted we are not all movie stars in the looks department,or model potentional, but I do believe that we all need to have an attraction to our S/O for real love to come into play. I think where real attraction comes in, it's a combination of looks and inner beauty. I have also found that if the relationship ends the attractivness fades also . The person we used to find attractive is no longer attractive to us because love is no longer there , either from growing apart, past hurts that come to mind, or things we have over looked in a relationship because we were in love.
So my answer is that yes I think she is over reacting, but the guy should have been more sensitive to her. I would not have said , that I dont find you attractive , rather that granted we are not movie start beautiful, I find you attractive because of your inner beauty. Your inner beauty makes up for any faults that we all have . I have found that someone that is movie star beautiful often lack the inner beauty that makes them truly beautiful . Steve
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 19
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 11:03:37 AM
It's a far cry from saying you're butt ugly but I love you despite the fact you scare the neighbourhood dogs. It's one thing to have a discussion where it's acknowledge that neither of you are in the running for the worlds 10 most beautiful people but another to have a discussion that would deliberately demean your partner. I don't see this as a case of the latter.
 InkyP
Joined: 10/27/2009
Msg: 20
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 11:32:50 AM
I would like to see a show of hands of those people out there that could have 1. frequent and good sex if they were NOT attracted to the other person.

This statement is also very ambiguous "We wouldn't be married if it was just due to attractiveness because I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!

Let's break it down, (if it was just due to attractiveness) sounds like a statement of BEING ATTRACTED as ONE of the qualities.

It also has a generalization: (ever dated) now he is not the smartest person at MIT for saying this. We don't know if he was stoned or high on crack when he said this either. Did she have a gun pointed at his head wanting only the truth? Since we don't know the context in which it was said I cannot grasp what was meant.

Now if he was on top of her laying some pipe and said that, then yes she probably could come away with the "you think I am trailer trash now?" thought but he probably couldn't ride her the full 8 seconds after saying that.
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 21
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 11:38:52 AM

"We wouldn't be married if it was just due to attractiveness because I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!
How on earth is that saying he doesn't find her attractive??? He saying that he loves her for far more than simply her looks.. Sheesh.. Some women!!!
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 22
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 12:02:42 PM
he loves everything about her
the sex is great
he did not bring it up
i think she would be a fool if she left, got angry, or hurt
not every man has the wisdom to look at the whole woman, and love that woman
i know from personal experience, i spent 12 years in a relationship with a woman that would be considered beautiful by any and all standards, truthfully an exceptionally physically attractive woman,that being said her personality was not bad either,but when 5 or 6 rolled around the drinking started, by about 9 she was ugly, an awful drunk, this went on everyday,worse on the weekends,she is an alcoholic, i seperated from her, and gave her a year to stop drinking, she chose booze over me, naturally i thought we would grow old together, i loved her very much, she was a wonderful partner when she was sober, so i need not say, i was heart broken
so i would say the lesson i learned is look at the whole person, not just the physical side before you fall in love
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 23
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 12:38:41 PM
~OT~ Another thread that can be reduced to one simple thing: communication problems. No need for the to bury the dead horse here, it's pretty simple: he said something, she took it entirely TOO personal and now it's a thread in public forum. (Sounds to me like she needs to dig deep and figure out why she took his comment so seriously after 8 years of marriage....that's odd.) JMO
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 24
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 1:15:49 PM
This is kind of a "duh!" question to me.
Offensive? No. Reason for divorce, yes!
And no, depending on your definition of love, someone does NOT have to find you attractive to care about your well being, and be willing to take care of you. Few of our children would have survived if that were true. It DOES make for a very discouraging marriage, however. No attraction means no loving sex, and that's killed more marriages than probably anything else I've seen in my life.
 1Keith7
Joined: 10/19/2009
Msg: 25
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 2:29:47 PM
A typical example of an insecure person.
He said nothing wrong. Interesting to read people saying "if he doesn't find her attractive = he doesn't/cannot love her"! May I ask if the reverse is true: " If you find her attractive = You can love her?" Nope!! What if she is horrible in all other ways?
Gee... there are so many people we come across who we find very beautiful but cannot stand their personality hence would not make for a good partner. And it is so true that most of us have dated people more attractive than ones that we settled in for LTRa.
I will be really worried and scared if my SO is with me only because they find me attractive, or even if my looks are the #1 reason (hopefully among many others) that they are with me. I would want to be wanted for more than attractiveness.
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