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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move      Home login  
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 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 2
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Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Rule number one you should have cut off the 'step-father' talk immediately, it was highly inappropriate considering you had only known the child for 6 months. It is the Mother's fault for not correcting her child but you should in the future be aware at the slippery slope you are creating for yourself when a relationship does sour.
Talk to her Mother, if she feel comfortable with you continuing as a role model for the child then do as you see fit. But once another man gets in the picture you will probably no longer be as welcome. Better to break it off cleanly.
 indefatigabilis
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 4
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/4/2010 9:02:05 AM
I would stop the relationship with the child. They are a package deal.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 5
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Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/4/2010 9:14:31 AM
What do you feel in your heart? If you feel like this girl is your own, then you should continue to have a relationship with your daughter, because that is who she became, your daughter. I think it would be worse if the woman was trying to cut you out of the child's life but you have to decide what you are comfortable with and whether you want to deal with future women who may not understand you continuing to have a relationship with a child that is not biologically yours. I would and many others would respect you a great deal for this choice, other people don't seem to get what familial relationships should be.

My situation is different, I have three children biologically related to my stepson so he would never be out of my life but I am also closer to him than his father and he calls me mom, the divorce having nothing to do with our relationship or the relationship he has with his siblings. Having been cut out of a close friend's son's life when we had a falling out, I would far have preferred maintaining contact with her son than sitting here wondering how he is doing all these years.

If a new man causes her to cut you out later, that would suck but would be beyond your control, something the child will eventually understand and not see as your doing or your rejecting her. This is something you actually should talk with her mother about. She is amenable to your continued relationship now but you would like to know how she intends to behave if she does get involved. Perhaps better than you going over there and spending time with her, see if she is open to a more traditional visitation arrangement wherein you pick up the child and spend time with her, etc. That way the new guy might be less likely to want to nix things because you wouldn't be visiting with the child at the woman's home.

Sorry she was such a douche, sound like money is more important to her than the quality of man she brings into her life and that is truly sad.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 7
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/4/2010 9:39:26 AM

Sorry she was such a douche, sound like money is more important to her than the quality of man she brings into her life and that is truly sad.


So true.

OP, despite your "ex" being such douche in breaking up with you over financial issues (don't we all have those problems these days), if you feel comfortable seeing this little girl then do so. But next time don't allow this to happen until you and your partner are solidly together and you are reasonably sure she's not going to bail from the relationship in rough times.
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 8
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/4/2010 2:46:54 PM
Hpotters, he is still seeing the child. The mother is willing to allow it so she obviously believes the bond between them should be maintained. Reading Comprehension 101...I highly recommend it.

OP - How you should proceed really depends on the woman involved and how you feel. I dated a man for 3 months 13 years ago and while things didn't work out between us, we remained friends and he has been a constant in my son's life since. All those things that Dad's do, he has done with our son over the years. Our situation is I hope not unique but I suspect it might be. He and I remained good friends also because we were both mature enough to realize that we didn't make it as a couple but were able to be good friends.

If she is a vindictive biatch, then I would suggest cutting ties for both your sake and the child's sake or she will use her child as a pawn to hurt you. If she is really a child-focused mother, she will not get in the way of you two maintaining a relationship.
 thatusernameistaken
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 11
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/5/2010 9:26:07 AM
Were you living together? Were you taking the role of a parent (step parent)?

If so, I would assume the emotional bond would be fairly substantial and I would not suggest a cold break right away. Give it time and you may find that you gradually grow apart anyways which would be easier on both of you.

If you were living together and took part in parenting, I would also wonder how much child support you may end up having to pay now.
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 12
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/5/2010 11:08:15 AM
OP, it sounds like the mother is somewhat confused. I agree that keeping her at arms length is wise but I suggest you do it in a compassionate way (even if you aren't feeling too compassionate towards her at the moment). The reason I suggest compassion is because even though she hasn't treated you well by taking the easy way out, if you hold the values you claim to hold (sticking together and fight through it together), you could see this as being a blip in your relationship with her and not the end. The reality is that if you want to maintain a relationship with the child, you will have to maintain some form of relationship with the mother.

Have you tried telling her how you feel from the heart...something like "Seeing you, spending this kind of time with you is really hard for me because I'm hurt and am upset that our relationship has changed. It will take time for me to stop loving you in a romantic way and I need you to understand that my needing to focus on healing doesn't mean I don't care about you. I love (insert child's name here) and very much want to continue to see her as long as she wants to see me. Losing both of you is more than I can bear."

My friend P and I have a really good friendship today and we joke all the time about the child support cheques.... (they've been in the mail now for 13 years). Not all women only care about money. What he brings to my son's life and by extension to mine is priceless. He has never forgotten my son's birthday or Christmas, he never missed a soccer practice or a soccer game and he even came with us for out of town tournaments. Anytime I've needed a sounding board or advice from him with respect to "our" son, he has always been there and always will be there. In all honesty, I didn't always treat P with the degree of respect I should have, nor has he towards me but he has always shown "our" son love. He is a man who possesses a great deal of honesty and compassion. He is one of a few people who can tell me what I don't want to hear and I know it is said with kindness and respect. Any guy I have dated has met P and they genuinely like him, do not feel threatened by him and accept that he is a part of our lives, biological link to my son or not. Unfortunately, P's gfs have not always been as understanding of his committment to a non-biological child....that more than anything may become an issue for you in future relationships.

Whatever happens between you and Mom....if you truly love this little girl and want to remain in her life, that is where you must place your focus and guide Mom to that same place with compassion and understanding.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 13
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/5/2010 11:31:14 AM
Sever the ties completely.

I had the same situation. At first, the kids wanted to see me, spend time with me, but they began to pressure the mother to get back together. Unfortunately we did get back together and it was rather disastrous. The problem you will have is that if you see the child, it will be like an open wound and morphine. You will feel good for the hour that you are with the child but then the hurt and the void will be even worst. So think of what is best for the child, not you. And in this case is to move on.
 ghostdog1973
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 14
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/5/2010 2:55:30 PM
OP- I had a bit of a similar situation with a woman I was with here recently.

She has 2 children. 18 years and 9 years.

The kids and I became extremely close over our 9/10 month relationship. The littlest one early on asked me if I wanted to be her step daddy. So to say the least- we got close to each other. I spent a lot of time with them over at her house, at my house and around town. I would pick her up from day care and I would take the oldest to work or pick her up from work.

Her oldest just finished HS and getting ready for college- so I had been helping her out. They are not from the states so with their mom being completely raised in a foreign country- I wanted to help the oldest out with getting into college. I had split from my g/f a couple of times (for 2 weeks each) but I had told my g/f that no matter what happened with us- if she allowed, that I would still continue the relationship with her oldest daughter. So she could get into college and get all the advice and support she needed from a 'father figure' here. She told me by all means that I could continue that relationship with her.

I kept coming back to the girl, because I wanted to be with her and I guess at a certain point she lost interest in me and basically was like "i'm done with ya"...(this was early Nov- but we still kept hanging around each other for a month before I finally decided to move on)

I was at mutual friends house on XMas Eve when she shows up with her daughters. They came running to me giving me hugs and such. The little one was no doubt completely confused...I talked with her for a while about us not being together any longer.

Deal is- the problem is your Ex's problem...Not yours no matter how much close you got to her. Barring you being an absolute bad catch, she chose her own happiness over yours and certainly over her daughter's. There is nothing you can do.

But here's the kicker. Not that it helps. I was the 2nd LTR man in this little girl's life after her mother got divorced. She was very cloes to both myself and her ex b/f...

There is only SOO much a child can take- HOWEVER- you CANNOT continue a relationship with this girl unless her mother allows it. And trust me- if the child is underage...believe me- its not worth it the risk to your repuation.

I have been able to continue the relationship with the oldest and she calls/texts me a few times per week.

Its the only parting prize I have...but unfortunately - your ex and her underage children are a package deal...
 ghostdog1973
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 16
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/5/2010 6:16:37 PM
""as hard as it is, you need to say goodbye.
cause if something ever happens you could be accused of wrong doing""

That is part of what my concerns are with the OP.

Most people will think "why in the world is this man wanting to continue a relationship with an ex g/f's underage child?"

Even if you were married and a step daddy- it might be a bit of a concern, depending on how long you were in their lives.

Honestly- its too touchy of a situation to risk your ownself for.
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 17
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/5/2010 7:51:24 PM
I'm going to quote a line from, of all movies, Clueless: "you divorce wives, not children."

So long as you can keep things civil with the mother, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't be able to part of that child's life. Divorce and break ups are traumatic enough for children without losing someone who is important to them out of their lives completely.
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 18
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/6/2010 3:52:54 AM

Most people will think "why in the world is this man wanting to continue a relationship with an ex g/f's underage child?"


and you are comfortable with this attitude? Since when is everyone who is not biologically linked to a child suspect? That is the same as saying that all men have pedophile tendencies......pleeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

Is our society really that self-centred and paranoid? If so, that is truly sad. If a woman is the type of person to accuse a man of sexual abuse of her child, it won't matter if there is a biological link to that child or not....
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 19
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Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/6/2010 4:22:48 AM
WOW jump right to that, pedophile. Why do people continue a relationship might have other motives other then hey I like the kid. Think about it. Lots of people try to keep relationships with the kid going to try and get hooked back up, not to play rapy-mic-rapes a lot with the kid. Not paranoid if there are reason other then it is a nice kid more times then not. Some people might not even know the real reasons behind their actions, but you can bet some place in the back of their mind the wheels are turning and they are really looking for a way back into a relationship. Using a kid to try and get some cat, well that is kind of sad, but I have seen it work.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 21
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Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/6/2010 5:00:58 AM
"God, your part of the world is seriously screwed up if "most people" will think that."

http://weiwentg.blogspot.com/2009/11/nyt-bit-more-on-australias-apology-to.html
The programs, which ended 40 years ago, were intended to provide the children with a new start - and the Empire with a supply of sturdy white workers. But many children ended up in institutions where they were physically and sexually abused, or were sent to work as farm laborers.
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/11/16/world/main5669845.shtml

WOW your government just said sorry to all the kids that were shipped to your country and raped over the years in a program that only ended 40 years ago and you say "your part of the world" what a joke. Well it became a way of life for you all didn't it. Remember your history. I do.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 24
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Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/6/2010 6:10:05 AM
"And your point is, what exactly?"

If people had opened there eyes and questioned what the real motives were the sexually abused children may have been help long before they were. Questioning real motives is a good idea.

"And no, since I wasn't on the planet at the time, it didn't become, nor has it become "a way of life for me"

So the program stopped 40 years ago and your 39 so the effects of the program must have stopped the day the program ended lol. Please People there are still living with the effects today.

"dredging up that story has zero relevance to what the poster said or to my response"

The relevance is clear, question motives!!!! It might not to be to rape the kid, but that happens (check your history) and people have to consider that. Also there are lots of other motives, like hooking back up with the ex BF/GF or SO. This is more likely then the other, but all motives should be considered.

"Seriously, what the hell are you on about? " May be I need to talk down to you more then I have been so you will understand. It was quite clear to me what the point was, even if it went right over your head!

Talk about over sensitive.
 ghostdog1973
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 25
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/6/2010 6:19:24 AM
""and you are comfortable with this attitude? Since when is everyone who is not biologically linked to a child suspect? That is the same as saying that all men have pedophile tendencies......pleeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!""


I dont' agree with it...but ever since Chris Hansen has done his "To catch a predator"...

I'm just sayin'....


But seriously- as mentioned- I still remain in contact with my ex's oldest daughter on a regular basis...
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 27
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Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/6/2010 7:04:34 AM
You said "God, your part of the world is seriously screwed up if "most people" will think that." I pointed out that child sexual abuse does in fact happen and it in fact happens in your part of the world too. If it had not been ignored for so long or if people there had thought more about real motives it would have ended sooner that it did. When I say end, I mean it ended as a government support problem as we all know it still happens and remembering that is a smart thing to do. Historically relevant, hello.

"You have gone off on a whole other tangent that has no relevance to my post whatsoever."

One more time and I will try and dumb it down for you. When a guy and girl brake up some times one of them would like to get back together with the other (happens a lot). Some time both men and women will say and do what ever they can to get back into a relationship. To include trying to keep a relationship going with a child that they would normally not do. The real motive here is not I really like the kid and want to stay a part of his or her life. The real motive is I want to get back together with the kids mom or dad. This happens a lot. What happens not as much but still happens is there was a real bonding, happens if they were together years and the kid and the ex did many things together. I.E. man came into the kids life when the kid was 3 and the split came when the kid was 16. Not as likely when it was a much shorter time and the child is still much younger. There are also more sinister motives out there although they are not as common they do in fact happen. This include people who might have a less then healthy interest in the child. People have a tendency to forget history way to fast.
Your governments involvement and cover ups of wide spread child abuse and sexual assaults has been bested by the catholic church but even if you don't think it still is having an effect on thing, it is. Determining the real motive is a hard thing to do sometimes. Even biological parents use kids often to try and hook back up with an ex, some people will do what ever they can. Stalker like and it is not a bad idea to always remember people have different motives for doing things and they are not all way noble, they are often times self serving. If you can not see the relevance now I will understand the gorvenment programes were not all ways shipping in the best of the best breading stock and that has had an effect too.
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 28
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/6/2010 7:28:05 AM
freetime, I can see your point but this OP has already stated that he is not wanting to get back with Mom...he simply wants to retain a relationship with the little girl he fell in love with and maintain a fatherly presence in her life. Honestly...if this was a little boy, I think most people would get that but because she is a girl and the OP is a male people who are paranoid jump into the gutter with their thinking. That is sad!

As for the "to catch a predator" shows....yeah....they really did show the dangers that exist out there for young people. However, the number of people with these persuasions are not as high as people seem to think or that show would lead one to believe.
 ghostdog1973
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 32
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/6/2010 8:34:38 AM
ghostdog1973 by that remark, i would really suspect yourself to be a paedophile as normal people would not have even posted that, to think some guy could have a paedophile agenda for being a father figure to a child is not only insulting but yourself and people who think like you should be taken of the street


that's pretty harsh my friend...harsh indeed...

i never suggested he had a pedophile agenda....i merely said he needed to protect himself...opening up food for thought- and now you try to label me as such? nice my friend... way to jump the boat...

gosh how things can get twisted on a message board...seriously...
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 33
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Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/6/2010 9:43:10 AM
Note: My question was not "do/should and/or why would someone question the motives of a man wanting to continue a relationship with a child to which he has been a father figure to for a long time?"

But you said "God, your part of the world is seriously screwed up if "most people" will think that." What I poited out to you and you finaly admitted to is that abuse does happen in every part of the world. Having a blind eye to the abuse or enabling the abuse happens too.

"Do YOU think that most people would assume and/or wonder if the OP had paedophilic type motives in wanting to continue the relationship with this child?"

It does not matter if most will assume that or not, some will assume that and it is a real motive for some people that are out there, both of these are facts! You might not like the facts but I really don't care what you like. You opened the door with your part of the world and I have clearly shown it is not limited to any part of the world.

To soul "freetime, I can see your point but this OP has already stated that he is not wanting to get back with Mom" So every thing people say in the forums is the whole story now lol.
 ghostdog1973
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 35
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/6/2010 12:26:18 PM
I hope you're not talking to me- as it seems that I've gotten the brunt of some folks failing reading comprehension.

Do not think that I've ever questioned your integrity with this child on this thread.

I merely mentioned that others might and you need to weigh that.

Again- I was in a similar position with my ex (just less time) and I still maintain relationship with one of her daughters.
 ghostdog1973
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 38
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/6/2010 8:59:08 PM
cutipye..

"STEP DAD"

not long term live in BF...

big difference...
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 39
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/6/2010 9:06:39 PM

"STEP DAD"

not long term live in BF...

big difference...


Not necessarily....I never lived with the man who "adopted" my son.....they have the quality and kind of relationship they have because his "dad" worked at building that kind of relationship with "our" son.....no biological link required....just love, understanding and attention.
 rustic36
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 41
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/6/2010 10:22:55 PM
OP,
I've been in a similar situation to yours however, mine differs slightly in that we also have our own daughter together. So, because of this, I still see my daughters brother and sister who always looked at me as their dad because I always showed them more attention than their bio dad.

Now, my relationship with my daughters brother and sister is different now to what it was 2 and a 1/2 years ago when her mum and I were still together. I still talk to them and occasionally they come to my house to play and spend time with my daughter. I did however, gradually distant myself from them. But, I did that over 1-2 years. Now they see me as a friend rather as a father figure. They still tell me how they would like to live at my house and that they miss being a happy family. They know they can talk to me about anything any time and that I still love them..

As for you, because you have no children together that are biologically yours, you need to make a different decision. Firstly, what will happen when your ex finds a new guy to date? Where is the child's father? What happens when you find a new lady? and, are you willing to continue being a father-figure to your ex's child no matter what?
If you don't see yourself wanting to continue the relationship with the child, then you need to gradually distance yourself without hurting the child emotionally.. If she has a father that does participate in her life, then this can make it easier because you can explain to her that she has a father who loves her etc. If she doesn't and she is really attached to you, then things can become more difficult. Just cutting off your contact with her is not a good way.. It needs to be gradual so she can adjust to the changes over time.

I think this is one problem that people don't consider when going into a relationship with a single parent and also a situation that many single parents don't consider. If a new partner shows loads of attention to the child/ren and a solid attachment occurs, then a break-down in the relationship can be very hard on the child/ren and they can become defensive to any new relationship the parent becomes involves in.

Some people have said you did wrong but, you were together for nearly 3 years and one would assume that things seem pretty solid after that amount of time. It's unfortunate for the child and you that your ex appears to be a "runner in times of trouble", this is far too common these days. I'm also one who believes in the "thick and thin", "good with the bad". Life is never constant and things change over time, especially financially. Many people fail to consider that it could quite as easy be them in financial strife and I'm sure they would expect or want their partner to stick by them. I guess if anything, at least you found that out before any more years passed by.

Good luck with what ever you decide but, end of the day, if you think you can't continue your relationship with her child, then, you need to start to ween it off. If you feel you can continue it, then by all means do so. You need to have a seriously hard think about the situation and make a realistic decision because it's not only your life being effected but the life of a small child.
 ghostdog1973
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 42
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/6/2010 10:28:00 PM
meplus ""Can't see how. A child doesn't care about the legal relationship between their parent and their partner. Being married doesn't in itself determine the relationship between the child and the non-bio parental figure."""

i agree 100%....

some of you have missed my point by like a million degrees...

so i will not continue to argue it...especially now i've have had a couple glasses of wine...
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