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a man wants a partner, not a project.
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 13
Rating Relationships
Posted: 1/5/2010 5:01:57 PM
Go out and start furthering your education by attending courses and seminars that will help advance you in the directions you're looking to advance. Then you'll actually have something more meaningful to discuss with someone who knows a little about those things already instead of him feeling like you're an educational sponge at his expense. Along the way, you may just find interesting guys doing the same thing you are. From the sounds of it, you're looking for more of a mentor than a man for a relationship and it likely comes across that way with your new found exuberance to learn. I doubt at this age that men are that interested in the type of role you are wanting them to hold; from my experience, they're more interested in someone with a little more equal footing, so start that process on your own and they'll likely find that more attractive than using them, even though that's not your "total" intent.
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 15
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Rating Relationships
Posted: 1/5/2010 5:47:41 PM
I DO hope you didn't buy the book. Like almost all such books, I'm sure it's more or less crap. Many such tomes are earnestly written by people who really think they've found the magic formula, and want to share it with the world. At least half the time or more, if you follow the life of the author, you'll find that the relationship they built using their formula has fallen apart before the first royalty check arrived.
Look for what ever you want. I look at it mathematically: you rack up all the things you want in a partner, and imagine all the possible people in the world, then one by one, you chop away possible mates based on your choices. Who ever is left, you try to please. At the same time, the other people you are selecting for and against, are selecting for and against you. Like the tumblers in a combination lock, if things click into place, you get a wonderful match, and the door to love opens for you.
Don't get side tracked by a formulaic approach to this. The ONLY thing that works, is when a person who IS really who they think they are, and who shows themselves as such, hooks up with a similarly grounded person, who happens to have sufficiently blendable goals in life and points of mutual attraction.
How you go about figuring that out, is what the whole dating and living part is about. What works for one, wont necessarily work for another, because we're all at least slightly different.
So keep spinning the tumblers.
Joined: 6/23/2008
Msg: 21
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Rating Relationships
Posted: 1/5/2010 8:21:56 PM
You know what it is about books like that for me..... They are so closed off.. it doesn't give people hope to branch out and take risks.. that is what life is all about. what you don't have the same educational background ... you have the right idea OP.. you should be looking for someone who will help you grow... in any way that you see fit.. because that is only way the relationship can last .. that you continue learn and grow from and with each other... I say.. don't listen to the gurus.. when they have closed minded info like keep you stifled.. ............. enjoy spread your wings.. branches.. and expand your horizons.. I think you will be so happy that you stayed true to your desires....

I am kinda irritated.. by levels.. WTF does that actually mean?.. What about the persons heart; spirit and desire to grow and be better..... maybe I am the dreamer.. and I different ideals of what relationships mean to me.. but sheessshhh.... this makes it sound like business.. wTf.. wants a business partner as a partner.. I want someone who can step outside the box............

I have an education.. but I don't close my world off from people who don't.. the only way I wont get a person at least a small chance; if they have really bad teeth.. sorry on pnly physical vice.. all the rest of that... I won't place you in small box.. be expansive..

This just grinds my gears...LOL sorry
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 22
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Posted: 1/5/2010 9:24:42 PM

the author said you should rate yourself 1 to 10 on different things... education, finances, background, etc. Her theory was that you should then go looking for a partner who rates closely to you in all the areas. If you find that person, you'll have found your match.

This sounds like a variation on the concept of "mate value", which comes out of evolutionary psychology. Some of those qualities you mentioned enter into this (much moreso for women's assessment of men than the other way around, I'd say), but they're not necessarily the most important components. There's stuff on the I-Net you can read about which addresses the "mate value inventory", which is sorta what I think she's getting at, based on what you wrote.

The one thing she is on the right track about is that people who have comparable mate values tend to have relationships which last longer than where the mate values are very different. The best situation is where both partners perceive the other's value to be higher than it is; i.e., where you've got two fives, but through some quirk each thinks the other is a 7, and thus both feel like they made out like bandits.

As somephxguy pointed out, the market determines your true value, irregardless of what you think it should be. Self-reporting surveys are notorious for having systematic biases, so researchers try to avoid relying too heavily on self-assessment. But if someone is honest about themselves it's not a total waste of time -- just don't go to three places after the decimal.

My favorite statistic is that when asked, 85% of American drivers consider themselves "above average"

This also appears in politics... one of the reasons taxing the rich often runs into difficulties, particularly during good times, is because 80% of the electorate thinks they're in the top 20% of the income earners. Maybe it works the other way too during bad times, with 80% of the people thinking they're going to get the promised benefits.
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