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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > how to respond to last minute cancellations      Home login  
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 SingleGuy4912
Joined: 7/25/2006
Msg: 6
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how to respond to last minute cancellationsPage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Depends on your tolerance for game playing.

However, just for our edification, who initiated the meet, you or them?

Either way, it's possible they just weren't ready to meet. Ascertain via email whether they still wanted to meet and if not, wish them well and move on. If they do, let them set up the where and when.

It's also possible these girls were never really interested in meeting to begin with.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 9
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/7/2010 8:03:21 AM

i have had 4, yes four last minute cancellations in a row.

the first girl cancelled twice, and was clearly lying at least the 2nd time.
the second girl said her grandfather went into the hospital.
the third girl said she wasn't feeling well.
the fourth girl (yesterday) said she had cold feet about dating but wanted to 'hang onto my number' after she repeatedly texted to confirm our date 3 times the day of/before.

they all cancelled within 3 hours of our first date. they all *texted* to cancel. times 1, 2, and 4, i tried to call them afterwards and they didn't pick up, and i asked 'could you give me a call?' and they did not call and/or texted an excuse why they couldn't call.

i am soliciting constructive feedback here:

a) what is the best way to respond?

Say thanks, and immediately try to reschedule a second meet. If they are vague and don't want to commit, they're not serious. Wish them well and tell them to keep in touch and then move on.

b) what is the best philosophical way to look at this?

Look at is as a blessing, naturally.

Unless you planned your whole night around a meet (which isn't a great idea) it should only free up an extra hour or so in your schedule - and it prevents you from sitting somewhere waiting for someone who's not coming.

You're dealing with a lot of strangers, honestly - so trust me it could have been a lot worse. Dodged bullets, IMO.

Plan your meet quick and inexpensive, before you have something else to do, and make sure you don't ever make plans to go somewhere or do something you wouldn't do alone. That way you can go to enjoy the place and they are just joining you somewhere you would have gone anyway. That's the only true way to avoid dissapointments with cancellations or standups.
 standoutboy
Joined: 12/7/2009
Msg: 15
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how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/7/2010 11:04:50 AM
Let me play the devil's advocate for a bit on this one.
I sort of disagree, with the idea of calling someone,you met online over the phone. I think its a leap too far. Texting is less intrusive and a non aggressive form of communication.People become more defensive,when rung up by strangers than people they are familiar with. You should check out your reaction the next time round, you recieve a call on your mobile from an unidentified caller who turn outs to be a cold caller working for a private health insurance company.
That said, I wish the O/P, the best of luck in his search for a soulmates. Like other posters have said and you must have noticed, courtesy is not a virtue for most people in the online world.
Cheerio.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 16
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/7/2010 11:23:00 AM
I do not give people second chances on this sort of thing. Not only is it rude, it's actually hurtful.
Others will give second chances, but not thirds.

I say flakey people would stop being flaky if they had consequences to their actions, but too many people give flakie* people a pass on the first flake. It just reinforces the behavior. I don't want to. So I ain't gonna.


*(I don't know how it's spelled, I figure one way will be correct! lol)
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 18
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/7/2010 11:58:32 AM

a) what is the best way to respond?

Just saying that's too bad, maybe we can meet up at a convenient time in the near future, and put the ball in HER court. Chances are very very slim she'll contact you, because chances are very very slim she didn't lose interest in you.

b) what is the best philosophical way to look at this?

If you repeat last-minute cancellations, it's probably something you're doing that's pushing it in that direction. If you're setting up a meeting with a gal who's got the "yeah, I guess so" attitude, you'll get that more often. If you're setting up a insta-dates, quickly after initially conversing, you'll get that more often. And also, maybe it's something you reveal about yourself -- purposely or not, after some time goes on that turns them off.

I think only you can find out why!
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 21
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/7/2010 1:36:22 PM
Arrrgggh! I just had to do this to a guy and I felt awful!!!

I'd be curious as to why you "had to" renege on your promise. I'd be curious to know if *I* thought it was a good excuse or not.

Because *I* have had people (NOT just men, female friends as well) make plans with me, and then at the last minute find "something else came up". If "something else" comes up, you need to tell that "something else" that you already MADE plans, and you can do it another time with "something else". That, or I have had MANY men claim they "fell asleep" , as if THAT is a forgiveable offense.

Basically, if you make an excuse, you are saying "I value the excuse more than I value you". And THAT is not something I put up with, being second rate or an afterthought.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 23
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/7/2010 2:26:39 PM
I'd like to know where all the people are who should be saying how insecure OP is? He asked basically the same thing as a woman did. While he's being given similar advice, I notice the "insecure" and "low self-esteem" monikers haven't been pulled out on him. It's almost as if people only think of WOMEN when they think these things.

Ferrrrrrrry interestink.

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts13599615.aspx
OP, if you read this thread, you will see that you are unreasonable, unstable, insecure, have low self-esteem, and are overly emotional, and probably DESERVED the treatment you got, and men will never understand you. LOL
 misszmsz
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 25
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/7/2010 3:28:26 PM
sjsh

The best way to look at their "RUDE" last minute cancellations, is to be thankful, because they really did you a favor.

For whatever reason (known only to them) they decided they didn't want to meet you, which you should not take personally.

They probably didn't really look like their photos, were way older or fatter, so by making up excuses they would not have to face their personal reality when you met.

At least the 4th one was honest enough to say she had cold feet, but is probably an obsessive person. Who needs to confirm 3 times? The 1st one you know to be a liar.

So write it off as their loss, not yours. At least it didn't cost you anything to find out their true nature.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 26
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how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/7/2010 5:07:37 PM
sorry to hear this happened to you, brother. i wonder if you missed a sign or two before the last-minute nonsense happened. for me, the big one is any combination of two unreturned vmails/emails/texts.

as far as philosophy, there's not much you can do besides have no expectations going in. but four straight - i understand how disheartened you must feel. if it's any consolation, a whole lot of guys on here would kill for initial interaction with one woman, let along four.
 M5Dave
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 27
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how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/7/2010 7:54:57 PM
Dude, this is the story of my life! I'm glad that you brought it up, or else I would have. My experiences with Flakeyness has been much worse than you my friend. I have actually been on 1st, 2nd, and 3rd dates with women and then they started acting flakey. I dated about 25 women last year and I would say that about 20 of them flaked out on me. I have tried handling all of the flakey in different ways to see see which worked best. I tried sympathizing, agreeing, getting mad, deleting their number, rescheduling, and in even one case I caught the girl in her cold lie.

Oh brother, I've heard it all too! Most of the time they never say the actual "reason" why they cancelled, but here's some good ones to watch out for:

My grandmother broke her hip and she has to go to the hospital
My doggy bit me so I can't go out
I forgot that I need to pick my mother up from the airport
My apartment flooded so I can't make it out
My car broke down
I got stuck behind a train and became so late that I figured you weren't there anymore so I just went home
I'm sick
I dropped my cell phone in a river
And my personal favourite so far - I was almost attacked by a shark today and I'm too rattled from my experience to go out with you.

My conclusion was that there is no great way to handle it. Although I would say that in my experience the best way indeed is to just walk away from her and her flakeyness. Don't even text her back, delete her number and never call her again. I just think that I don't want to waste my time on someone who is already a liar. My how dating has changed, what happened to those days when you could just pick up a phone call somebody and they would answer and there was no caller ID, so they would have to talk to you. Why can't men and women be honest anymore. I rather someone just tell me straight up why they can't meet up. Cause when you start lying and becoming flakey, you start playing games, and nobody deserves or has the time to play games. Anyways, just my 2 cents.

Best thing I can say is what a lot of other people have said, just move on. The hard part is walking away from something that has potential, but I've learned that feeling of potentiality is false, it's something that you build up in your head because you don't want to give up on this girl because she's so hot or seems so nice. Truth is that there is no potential if they are lying to you. You didn't know them anyways, why should you care?

Cheers!
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 29
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/7/2010 8:44:11 PM
Jeez. I was talking with a guy from POF this past summer, and we agreed to have our first meet at a local karaoke bar since we both enjoy that type of thing. In the course of getting to know him over the phone, I soon discovered he liked to get home early - before 11:00 pm, or I guess he'd turn into a pumpkin. He'd asked me what time the karaoke began at the pub we were going to, and I'd told him around 9:30 or 10:00. He was asking if I knew of any place that started around 7:00 pm? LOL. Not.

He kept trying to force our scheduled meeting time to be earlier and earlier - it went from 7:30 pm to 6:00 pm and then he called and tried to make it 4:00 that afternoon. For God's sakes, what was this - Romper Room? Guess he was shooting for a 9:00 pm bedtime that night.

I stood firm on the 6:00 pm meeting time and he called around 4:30ish to cancel our plans because he had an irrisistable urge to go FISHING down at the lake. Yup, the fish were calling his name and he simply had to chuck it all and take his pole down to the water.

Later that evening, he had the collassal nerve to call me around 8 pm to see if I was still available to meet him at a local tavern in his town as he'd discovered they were offering karaoke that evening as well. I didn't pick up when I saw it was him calling, however. Needless to say, when I got over the shock of seeing his number calling on my phone display (after blatantly cancelling our date earlier that evening to go fishing!), I let it go to voicemail and didn't pick up - nor did I call him back. He tried to call me about a month later and guess what? I didn't answer that call, either.

OP, some people simply have no clue how to behave in a mature and courteous fashion once they're adults. I guess I should feel privileged that I got a phone call to cancel our date rather than a text, but that doesn't excuse douchebag behavior.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 30
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/7/2010 8:51:56 PM

I dated about 25 women last year and I would say that about 20 of them flaked out on me.

Five good women in a year ain't bad odds.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 34
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/8/2010 12:14:59 AM
And I would just be a little curious as to why some people get flaked on all of the time and others never?

I'm not suggesting anything you are doing OP, but could it be age group, online experience .....etc? For example someone new to online dating being more likely to flake.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 36
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/8/2010 2:54:34 PM
Say, "Oh, I am sorry. I was looking forward to meeting you. When you are able to meet, let me know."

Don't keep calling or texting--once is ok after the initial conversation, but after that, let it go. If they want to contact you, they will.

The best way to look at it is, eh, I tried, they flaked, and go on.
 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 39
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how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/8/2010 7:40:43 PM
i'd rather have a last-minute cancellation than be stood up - which i was - again - today!

 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 42
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how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/9/2010 12:17:12 PM
^^^um... *I* do!

and i expect others to as well.
 startle
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 43
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/9/2010 12:41:59 PM
maybe the date didn't sound too exciting...if you offer something they can't refuse it might help....find out what they want so you are not just another guy....they are just weeding out the field...when something better comes along you are shoved to the back burner....
 MakeYouSmile26
Joined: 10/6/2009
Msg: 47
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how to respond to last-minute cancellations
Posted: 1/28/2010 3:59:01 PM
As much as I hate meeting women in the real world, I am going to have to say stick with that and hang out on PoF for the forms :D
 sushi0004
Joined: 8/28/2009
Msg: 48
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how to respond to last-minute cancellations
Posted: 1/28/2010 4:39:34 PM
my take:

Proper response: Text, call or email to say you regretthat they were unable to meet you, wish them luck, and then propmtly lose thier contact info (exception to this being if they had a true emergency/good reason to flake).

How to handle philosophically: Count yourself lucky you found out they were flakes early on instead of having them be on "best behaviour" at first only to slide into flakiness some time down the line when you were more vested.
 cherryyblossom
Joined: 7/19/2009
Msg: 54
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/29/2010 6:04:05 AM
it is totally b.s. to cancel at the last minute and even worse to lie about it. if they weren't interested in dating you, they should have just said it straightfoward. i do not get why people have to lie and make false promises about canceling date. it is very annoying.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 57
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how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/29/2010 7:30:03 AM
I'll accept one cancellation as reasonable, as things sometimes happen. However, it's then up to them to suggest and arrange another meeting, as I won't pursue them if they cancelled on me. Sometimes they do make later plans, which shows they actually are interested, and those have always gone well. Sometimes they don't, in which case I just move on. However, if anyone cancels twice in a row, they don't get another chance (unless I know for certain that it really is due to something beyond their control).

I usually try to have backup plans, just in case something like this happens. No reason to stay home and be upset - better to go out and have fun doing something (or someone!) else!
 Thunderstruck29
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 58
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how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/29/2010 7:49:59 AM
When you get stood up, you just need to chalk that person up to being a fake, flake or phoney
(for more on that check my thread on screening those characters out).

But be polite. Tell them if they want to get together sometime to let you know, but that they will have to travel to you.
I got ditched by one last Friday.
I showed up on time, she was over two hours late. Instead of going together to a restaurant she recommends a place downtown that is NOTORIOUS for being used by flaky middle age chicks to ditch dudes.
I knew before I got there how this one would turn out.
You geussed it. I waited 2 hours to ensure she was as phony as the three dollar bill I had her pegged for and left.

The next day after posting a humorous anecdote about it on a forum we both inhabit, I get a bogus text message from her 'friend' (yet from her number) claiming she didn't just stand me up, she went straight to the hospital to be with a relative, yatta, yatta, bogus yatta.

I text back that if it were true, she would have called th restaurant and paged me from a phone at the hospital in the unlikely event she couldnt just have returned my two cell phone calls from the restaurant.

LOL...
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 60
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/29/2010 8:11:19 AM
I agree with whoever said plan something that you can enjoy alone. Last year I was to meet someone who lives near the beach. I figured that if he flaked and didn't show up at the meeting place, I could still enjoy the beautiful day at the beach as there was a festival going on which was an absolute surprise. But he did show up. He thought I was going to flake. I don't think you can ever know if someone is going to flake on you at the last minute. I had someone cancel a meet up recently via e-mail. Oh, well...
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 61
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/29/2010 8:16:06 AM
^^^That was me. I never make plans with a guy I barely know doing something I wouldn't go do anyway. Oh who am I kidding, I even do that with people I do know. That way a cancellation or stand up doesn't change my plans, but rather a show up just adds to them. The plan is solid regardless this way.

My strategy is "I'm going to go do this. Here's where I'll be - feel free to join me."

Honestly, sometimes you'd rather they didn't show up, lol.
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 65
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how to respond to last-minute cancellations
Posted: 1/29/2010 2:52:32 PM

Be a little more stringent in your screening process.
This is ridiculous advice. Pray tell how does one do this before the flake flakes, as the flaking act occurs right before the start of date?? Somebody suggested trying to trip up a flaker by asking a few personal questions before the first meet, to see if they would trip themselves up somehow. Personally I only ask questions which I feel are pertinent to setting up the first meet. Too many questions could set off someone who you might not want to set off, but then again if they are that jumpy before meeting, what would they be like after you met them?

The flaker saves the flakee time in the long run. It sort of is par for the internet dating course, just something that sort of needs to be accepted. WIP has the right sort of attitude I believe; if they flake while you're already out, just have a fun plan B should they flake.

Texting seems to be ruining meaningful communication.
Not for me. I generally don't take cell calls unless I know a call is impending. I use text messages as a way to set up and confirm calls.

how to respond to last-minute cancellations
This is the primary question of this thread. Basically I'd put the ball in their court without realistically expecting a 2nd chance. MAYBE followup with another correspondence if the flaker really struck your fancy in some way--give them the benefit of a doubt--but if it happens again that's pretty much a non-plussing behavior; someone who I don't really want to get to know. I certainly don't recommend chasing them around like a lost puppy dog.
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