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 BLUEMISS
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 1
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Cigarette smoking around kidsPage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
My ex smokes around my son. My son goes to his dad's every weekend and every weekend,he comes home smelling like a cigarette. Even his backpack stinks.

I have told him many times to go outside and smoke when the boy is there, but he just ignores me.He says, I'll do my best, but never does anything different.

Last night I phoned the ex and asked him if he would go outside and smoke when our son is there. We ended up in an argument, he said," Have you nothing better to do than hassle me?"I called him selfish, ignorant and a few other choice words.He lives in a main floor apartment, with double doors to outside.All he has to do is take literally two steps and he is outside, but he won't.

I just recently had to get a puffer because I am having breathing issues myself, and am concerned about my boy.I told my ex this and he just laughed.My son said,"Mom, I will probably come home smelling like smoke, because everything smells in dad's house."I told the ex this also and told him to wash all the bedding before the boy comes over, because if he comes home smelling like an ashtray again there will be Hill to pay.

Why would anyone be that stupid and selfish to put their smoking first, over their child's health? What should I do, short of getting social services involved? I told him last night that if the boy comes home stinking, that he won't go there again.Keeping him from his Dad shouldn't have to be an option either.What would you do?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 2
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Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 1/9/2010 11:09:22 AM
You can't control your ex and while you have a valid concern, it is not one that I think would sway a court or be enforceable if he is ordered not to smoke around your son. Tell your son to keep his bedroom door shut and to try to ventillate the house if his dad is smoking.

You've developed adult onset asthma, but it doesn't mean your son will. My dad smoked camel unfiltered the entire time I was growing up and the one thing I hated about family vacations was that it would invariably rain which meant we would all be dying of smoke inhalation. I did develop asthma but it was 15 years or more after I left home.

Getting upset about something you cannot change is a waste of energy, you need to help your son figure out how to help himself when he is around dad.
 Solar69
Joined: 1/5/2009
Msg: 3
Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 1/9/2010 2:42:58 PM
Yes take meplustwos advice, so that way his father will be arguing with him instead of you.Encouraging your kid to disobey the father just because you feel your way is right shouldn't be a solution.

But all that aside, Maybe you should look into getting a hepa filter at wal-mart for him so that way he can put it in his room and filter out the smell.

Truth of the matter if he's there or not.. the smell will be there and he will still come home smelling like smoke even if the father only smokes indoors when he's not home.

Arguing with your ex over it will just make him want to defy you even more, it may get to the point where he doesn't care about his son only because he just wants to piss you off.And your son will feel like he is being put in the middle and causing the two of you to argue.

But it all depends on how old your son is, some of these suggestions like having him go outside alone, may be worse than smelling like smoke, especially in apartment buildings.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 4
Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 1/9/2010 2:43:07 PM
Oh but he IS harming your son with second hand smoke!!

I had the same problem as my ex said he had a RIGHT to smoke in his own house.

By the time my son was 2 we had all kinds of problems with Asthma, Acute Bronchitis. Now cigarette smoke will land him in the ER. He is highly allergic.
Since his father passed away, we had no real problems with his health.
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 5
Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 1/9/2010 3:25:55 PM
You cannot control the way your ex runs his home. I'm sure you don't want him to have that power over you, either. So far as I know, it's not against the law for your ex to smoke in his own home even with your child there. You cannot keep a child from the other parent based on your own opinions nor involve social services. Having a child whos father refuses to be involved with her, my opinion is that it's caused her more damage than being exposed to the odd cigarette would have.

Nutt
 BLUEMISS
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 6
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Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 1/9/2010 5:38:27 PM
I know the Serenity Prayer, and have said it daily for years.! Love It, but does it help i n this situation? I do not care if my ex has power over me!!After last nights arguement, my son is with his Dad, but I hate the fact, that he will be subjected to cigarette smoke!!!

I do care..... about my son and whether or not his health is going to suffer.! My ex's Mom died of lung cancer and this fact does not seem to concern him.

Obviously, it is not the odd cigarette... if the kid is coming home reeking of cigarette smoke!It's the damage of inhaling the smoke that bothers me!

Chocolatenutt... not a girl, not a her, get it straight!!!
 Solar69
Joined: 1/5/2009
Msg: 7
Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 1/9/2010 6:19:42 PM
Yeah, not to mention i dont think choc was even talking about your son, but her daughter whos father is not in HER DAUGHTERS life....which she think's is worse then her daughter being exposed to stinky cigarettes.(dont want to put words in her mouth but that was my interpretation)

But i think your ex knows even if he goes outside you will still find something to **** and nag about.... And if your son really does have a problem it's only because your putting it into his head that his father is wrong for smoking in front of him.

I dont agree with smoking in the house, but my parents both smoked in the house while I was growing up of coarse that was before everyone was anti-smoking thanks to the media.

Again get him a hepa filter for his room it will make a world of difference, but if your cheap and you want everyone else to solve your problems.......... Your hurting your son just as much as he is.
 Solar69
Joined: 1/5/2009
Msg: 8
Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 1/9/2010 6:23:10 PM
(and i wondered the same thing reading her profile her son's 12), But that makes me wonder... How long were the 2 of you married? was he smoking inside the house while you were married? did you address the issue then?........ If you ignored it when you were "in love" and didn't see the problem with it... Then it just back's up the "angry ex" theory.
 singleagain66
Joined: 12/29/2007
Msg: 9
Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 1/9/2010 6:31:51 PM
I know what you mean as I go threw the same thing
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 10
Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 1/9/2010 7:38:17 PM
bluemiss, I was relating my personal experience and feelings and my daughter is a girl. YOU get it straight.

Nutt
 ~JustSimplyMe~
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 11
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Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 1/9/2010 8:35:42 PM

Your house, your rules,

Thats the point I suppose...it isn't her house, she has no say what he does in HIS house :)
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 12
Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 1/9/2010 8:50:36 PM

If he had any common decency he would respect the fact that she doesnt want their child breathing in


No deathdolly, it shouldn't at all be about what the other partner wants. It should be respect for his CHILD not to subject the child to the smoke. However, the OP has no rights in regards to the other parents' home. Legally, he is well within his rights to smoke in his own home.

Nutt
 Solar69
Joined: 1/5/2009
Msg: 13
Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 1/9/2010 9:19:27 PM
Problem is everyone wants to live to be a hundred....... so they blame things like cigarettes for not achieving that goal.... On the news the other day they said that potatoes increase your risk of getting diabetes ........... so if your husband feeds him potatoes are you going to go call social services because he feels critics are full of **IT.

I know people will say potatoes are completely different, but the principle is the same.

I know that smoke on your clothes is uncomfortable for a non smoker, my eyes are waterfalls in a smokers home, but it's just uncomfortable not going to kill me.... atleast till im 60....
 Solar69
Joined: 1/5/2009
Msg: 14
Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 1/10/2010 1:03:32 AM
Depends on who you ask, i think they let it pass because activist pressure them to. It's not about proving that it can, it's about not being able to prove that it cant....

Unless the father is deliberately blowing smoke in his sons face it's not going to give him lung cancer.. There is a difference between second hand smoke, and second hand smell. As in my example, the smoke wasn't what was bothering me, the allergens in the air bother me... Just like pollen would... Pollens not going to kill me, and neither will smoke particles.

I don't smoke, I don't like smokers my grandfather died from lung cancer from smoking.

But instead of blaming our problems on something else, why not do simple steps like recommended. Get a filter for the house, if he wont buy it, buy it for him... problem solved life saved.

Anyway, i think im done worn out on this topic when's it getting deleted anyhow :P....could go on and on about how the gov't claims the H1N1 vaccine is healthy, and then reference to 1970 when they said the same thing...... until people died.. and the govt got sued... so this time around they put a "you cant sue me clause". Point being, live your life with no regrets dont change because someone thinks their way is better. END
 BLUEMISS
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 15
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Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 1/10/2010 9:22:25 AM
Sorry Nutt, I apologize!
My son called and he told his dad the smoking bothered him, and his Dad agreed to step outside.I guess hearing it from the kid was all it took. This makes me happy.
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 16
Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 1/10/2010 10:56:10 AM

Unless the father is deliberately blowing smoke in his sons face it's not going to give him lung cancer..


Are you insane?! There is a much higher rate of lung cancer among non-smokers who live with smokers. This is why smoking is now banned in bars and being banned all over the country around air intakes, doorways, etc... Because simply breathing it in introduces carcinogens into the system! Do you honestly believe that if it's not being blown into one's face that the carcinogens being spewed into the shared breathing space just disappear?

BTW, there are many people who, if they breathe smoke in (in even the smallest amount), can have SEVERE problems. I have asthma, and have an attack EVERY time I breathe smoke in. When I was going to school I had to hold my breathe for 30 feet before I reached the doorways of any buildings on campus and run because of all the smokers who think, "I'm outside, it's ok", but don't care that people have to walk through their cloud of smoke just to enter or leave the building. In BC, smoking is now banned within a certain distance of any doorway for this reason.

If someone wants to pollute their own body that's their choice, but NO ONE has the right to pollute others'.

I would see this as a legal issue. It is a parent's job to provide their child with a safe environment. Your ex is not doing this by continuing to do something so obviously detrimental to your son's health. I would review the custody agreement and change it as necessary. This is not being a bitter ex, it is putting your son's health and needs first, which is what a RESPONSIBLE parent does. I'm not saying that your ex shouldn't be involved in your child's life, but that if he can't provide a safe environment for your son to stay in, then your son shouldn't be staying there.
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 18
Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 1/10/2010 3:33:36 PM
Congratulations Bluemiss. I'm so pleased you found a peaceful and appropriate solution to the problem!

Best wishes,

Nutt
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 19
Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 1/10/2010 3:39:15 PM
I wasn't suggesting removing the parent entirely from the child's life, simply that if a parent can't provide a safe home for the child, then the child shouldn't be there. Visits at a safe place should be seen as an option. If your child's other parent lived at a crack house, would you let your child stay there just so that he/she could have the other parent around? Of course not! It's not a matter of severing the child's relationship with the other parent, but making sure that the other parent (or anyone who is going to have the child) is providing a safe atmosphere for the child to be in.
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 20
Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 1/10/2010 4:19:29 PM
I respect your view on it. My child's father is not involved in her life and hasn't been since she was a few months old (she's 9 now). This was largely because after she was born he started hanging around with drug dealers and this was something I absolutely was not going to permit my child to be exposed to.

I guess everyone comes at things from their own histories. I decided my child would be better off not having her father around her than being exposed to that kind of illegal behaviour and the potential consequences it could have for her life. BTW, his not being involved at all was his choice, not mine. I simply stated that he could only see her if he could provide a safe place to see her in. Whatever works for your family is obviously what's best for you. That's the problem with people coming on here and asking advice -- ultimately, none of us can say what would work for everyone else, just what worked (or would work) for us.
 MsKluv
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 22
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Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 2/6/2010 3:13:44 AM
What I expect is the other parent to respect the health and well being of our kids. I have 3 boys lived with a smoker and never once has they seen him smoke in the house. If we were traveling he would pull over for smoke breaks. Thats a real parent, everyone with common since kn0ws smoking is bad. He acknowledges it and looks out for his kids. She can't control what goes on in her ex home. But there is something she can do about, especially since she has breathing issues now.
 BLUEMISS
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 25
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Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 2/7/2010 7:59:58 PM
Erasersedge, You smoke, You toke, and YOU Have ,attitude up the ying yang! Control issue my ass!Give us controllers some insite into why you are divorced please. I bet I can guess.You know where and what you can do with your attitude.

So I had sex with a smoker and don't like the fact he is smoking around my kid... the kid is 12 and hated it himself, he told his dad, dad did something about it. He would not do it when I suggested it.Who is the control freak here?Spliff off!
 BLUEMISS
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 26
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Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 2/9/2010 9:14:10 PM
erasersedge...Hypocritical you say.Hmmm, I'll bet money you smoked and toked around your kids, because in your profile you mention,not to contact you if you can't handle either one.That right there says to me they are both a big part of your life.And then you say you smoke cigarettes occasionally and socially do drugs...laughable.Even if you went outside to do both, do you think you would be fooling your kids.Not.At least I am honest when I say I drink more than socially..and I do most of my drinking when my son is at his Dad's from Friday night to Sunday.

I didn't come here complaining for sympathy, I started this post for the debate, and to get other peoples opinions. I certainly got yours, but I think you are probably a bit hypocritical yourself.And fyi... I am single because I chose not to marry and make what I would consider a mistake, by having to get a divorce.


The ex also has a court order not to drink while the son is with him,but he does that too.If I wanted to be a controlling,nagging, beotch I could take him to court and make him deal with it , but I am not. My boy loves his dad and he wants to be there, so as long as he treats him good I let it go.If things get out of hand, you can bet I will do something about it. Controlling? I think not.
He can smoke his darn lungs out when my kid is not there ,but he should not be smoking around him while the boy is there.Kill himself, not my kid!
 BLUEMISS
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 27
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Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 2/25/2010 6:25:01 AM
To the last 2 posts...It was my son that said the smoking was bothering him, and he said he wants his dad to quit. I brought it up to begin with and when he didn't listen to me, my son talked to his dad about it.This post is not about parents giving their kids garbage food or not being perfect, it's about smoking around kids.It sounds like you are trying to justify your smoking to me.I don't try to control my kid, he is a very smart and level headed boy and capable, at 12 ,of forming his own mind.

When he comes home from his dad's smelling like a cigarette, it does irk me.His dad told me on Sunday that he is down to half a pack a day because the boy wants him to quit and he is giving it an effort.This is a good thing, and says to me that he can see his smoking is not good .How many smokers have you heard say,they want to quit, but .....one excuse or another, or can't find the willpower it takes to quit.I've heard plenty.
 BLUEMISS
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 28
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Cigarette smoking around kids
Posted: 2/26/2010 6:28:39 AM
Vajosh, I am wondering if you read all the post here. I' threatened' him once, as you say.Iknow threatening ,from experience, does not work.He quit smoking around the boy,because the boy, told his dad he didn't like it!

The answer is not to bring the law into this and spend even more money on lawyers. We have gone to court for joint custody, the court ordered him not to drink around the boy. Did he listen...no. So I fail to see where the court would help.Thank goodness he has the smarts to listen to his son and care enough about him , to go outside now and smoke.

He has a good relationship with his dad and sees him every weekend.This is not about me trying to keep my son away from his dad. Never would.If you had read everything, you would have caught that.

This has nothing to do with the subject, but my ex won't let me take the boy out of the country.This is his form of control over me.He doesn't have a passport. My answer to him was, why would you keep your son from experiencing another country, just because you can't. When I decide to travel, be prepared to take him for as long as I am gone then.

The last answer I posted was for you and the poster below you. That comment was meant for her...sorry.
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