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 Warped_Humour
Joined: 10/10/2009
Msg: 4
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Me personally? It would be a turn off. IF, the person I met already had it and had no plans of removing or could I guess. If I was already involved, different story of course.

In looking I saw there is a site to meet other Ostomates so you may want to try there if you find everywhere else is giving you none/little results.

My curious mind wants to ask if this is something you can even change at all? Or is it there for life? POF, does not represent a good majority of dating IMO. It's real worth is in the forums really. I am not saying love does not happen here, I am just saying in general, the odds are not so great no matter what is going on in your life.

Best of luck

EDIT

I answered my own question by actually looking it up. I also see it says these are SLOWLY being transitioned to K-Pouch or BCIR. Maybe that will be an option for you down the road. Again, best of wishes.
 Warped_Humour
Joined: 10/10/2009
Msg: 6
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 3:25:02 AM
IMO=In my Opinion

Here is the site I saw. I did not research it, but here you go.

http://www.meetanostomate.com/

I am sure I just broke a rule for posting the site, but I can't message you based on me being way over here and you being way over there ;)
 nipoleon
Joined: 12/27/2005
Msg: 7
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History
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 5:27:07 AM
There are lots of things which seem to be a turn off, looking at it from the outside.
Everybody has an idea of what's attractive and what's not.

Everyone has a preconceived idea of physical beauty and everyone thinks they would never get involved with someone who doesn't measure up to that idea.
Yet in all practicality, physical beauty is very over rated.
There are lots of ugly people in the world who have no problem in getting and maintaining relationships. The reason is because they go beyond physical attractiveness. They learn how to make friends and get along with people. They take responsibility for their own relationships.

There are lots of people who have handicaps worse than yours. Some people are blind, some are paraplegics and must live in a wheelchair. There are all sorts of physical handicaps, disabilities and inconveniences.
But, these physical things only restrict a relationship if you believe they will and if you let them.

There are lots of perfectly beautiful people who can't find lovers too.
Some people think they can't find a relationship because they are too beautiful.
If you don't want to have a relationship, you don't have to have one. It's always possible to find a good excuse not to do something.

In the end, physical things are easily overlooked.
Bad character is the ugliest thing a person can have.
 smalltowngirl0
Joined: 6/13/2008
Msg: 8
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 5:29:01 AM
ok op,
here is my thoughts on your question..
i work in the medical field, i am always sending up medical supplies to the wards on the hospital, and this does include those items.
on occasion, i will meet patients who wear a bag, it does not bother me, as i am rather clinical minded about such things.
others may not be.
 Zephyr2553
Joined: 12/28/2008
Msg: 9
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 6:01:26 AM
For me personally, I wouldn't do it because I'm shallow that way. There are many people who have no hang-ups and would just be able to see the beautiful person in her totality.
There is someone for everyone. I watch Discovery Health a lot and there are people in every sort of situation healthwise who are married.
You are a lovely woman. I'm sure there will be someone for you. POF is relentless and there are some regulars like myself on here, but there are many others who are new, just browsing, etc.
You have a good chance of meeting someone.
 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 10
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 6:07:07 AM
The only thing I can say is that you never know when you meet a person who really interest you, hits you in a special way......so, what really matters is how the first date went.

Here's honesty...I helped a "little person" woman out of her van and into her wheelchair...there was something about her, I can't describe it fully here...but a very rare thing, few, and I mean few, ever hit me that way....I was awestruck....I asked myself later, if I could date her, fall in love, etc...the answer was yes, but I was with someone at the time...so.

But if she simply had a profile on here and I didn't see her, etc.....I can honestly say, I would consider all the complications and possible limitations, etc....but knowing myself, if there were things in her profile that really hit home, who knows...finding someone real is hard for a man too, who is real.

But I think many people will tend to avoid others with complications, disabilities to where they feel it will hamper or limit what is considered a normal way of being, existing together, etc....and I can understand that especially if they can avoid it by merely not sending out an email....

But, everyones not like that.....my biggest concern would be her getting attached to me, because I chose not to let it be an issue with me, not because of who I am, or if I decided after a short time, the chemisty wasn't there, or we weren't right for each other, etc....she would take it personally because of her difficulty.
 SoftAndHappy
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 11
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 6:13:46 AM
My sister has one. She is getting married in a few weeks. She had it when she met her fiance... so... it happens! And no, because of my 'exposure' it wouldn't bother me at all.

That being said - it's the first thing out of your mouth on your profile. That to me says that YOU are bothered by it and that you let it define you. My advice would be to concentrate on who you are and maybe make mention of it at the end of your profile. To say "I am an illiostamate" (sp?) is different than saying "Due to health complications, I've had an illiostomy". Took me a sec to even figure out what an "illiostomate" was - even though I am very familiar with what an illiostomy is!

Don't let it define you. It's not all that limiting and it's not even that ugly. It's just an 'add-on', in my opinion.
 WasabiGal
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 12
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 7:08:28 AM
I'm sure if you have pursued the Forums for any time, you will see there are hundreds of posters complaining about being overlooked because they are fat, tall, short, thin, wear glasses, have short hair, have long hair, have no hair, don't have a job, don't have a "fancy" job, use a chair, have a dog, have a cat, have children, are female and over 40, are male and under 30....

and on and on it goes.... I think it's next to impossible to find a lasting relationship through Internet dating, but on occasion, it does happen

I think you might want to change your age restrictions....
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 13
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 7:40:57 AM
Jax, I agree that you may have a bigger issue with it than others and it does appear that you are defining yourself by it. In life, one's attitude is everything. I work with people who are quads/paras and when I am talking with some folks, I don't see the chair and with others it is larger than life and it has nothing to do with anything beyond their attitude about their need for the chair.
 Frau Blücher
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 14
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/11/2010 7:53:25 AM
OP, I’m not going to judge you on your handle. I think you’re probably tired of starting an acquaintanceship with a guy only to have him head for the hills once you reveal your situation. If being upfront and laying your situation out on the table from the beginning is your plan of attack, then that’s what’s right for YOU!

As for your question, if I really had an outstanding connection with a man (and that’s what it will take for me to find my match), it wouldn’t bother me that he had a bag. Heck, I’m just an old bag myself.

My father had a colostomy and I would be damn proud to find anyone half as wonderful as he was.
 cheaterj
Joined: 7/19/2009
Msg: 16
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/17/2010 11:59:52 AM
Tough situation to deal with, but not an impossible one.
2 years ago I was faced with the prospect of becoming a lifelong 'ostomate' (didn't know it was a word, but can honestly say I would have never used it to describe myself). Admittedly the thought was not comforting and I knew that it would have made the difficult task of finding an acceptable 'soulmate' (another word I would never use to describe myself!), even more difficult. But you have to play the cards you are dealt and you have to accept yourself for who you are now and know and accept your 'limitations'.

I'm going to be pre-emptive here and state anyone who preaches that the only limitations are the ones you create in your mind, are full of it. But I will also add that limitations don't stop your life; they just alter it and sometimes for the better.

Would I voluntarily sign up for cancer again? Hell no. Did cancer make my life worse? Hell no. It made it better, certainly not physically but mentally/emotionally. I consider myself the luckiest man on earth. Kinda wish I got it sooner.

Would your bag turn me off? No. The fact that you define yourself by it, would. When would I like to know about it? Not before I met you face-t0-face. And not just over coffee. But certainly the next date. What gives me most pause about your profile? Your lack of income. (might be circumstantial and temporary but I wouldn't give you a second look. Perhaps leave it blank on your profile and then state temporary explanation via email or over coffee)

It'll all work itself out fine, jax. Life is like that. Hang in there. Godspeed.
 Calientecutie
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 18
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/17/2010 2:12:46 PM
people are different...it is difficult...but you do have a disability and the person in your life will have to understand...it is not for everybody...good luck
 iTsMeJuLi
Joined: 10/27/2008
Msg: 19
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/17/2010 2:25:31 PM
I don't understand why you are divulging this information before even meeting a man.

If you met a man in a public place and started chatting would you bring this up? I certainly wouldn't. By being upfront about it I think you're eliminating yourself from potential suitors by scaring them off before they get a chance to get to know you. Most people don't know what an ostomy is.

Someone who truly appreciates you will see past the ostomy and be with you for who you are.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 20
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/20/2010 12:03:12 PM
^^^^ usually when I don't know what something means
(and I think it's something worthwhile and isn't some sort
of joke) I look it up.
Google is your friend.
You're hilarious.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 21
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/20/2010 1:43:10 PM
^^^^^^^^
I'm sorry...I thought you would get the sarcasm.
I guess not.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 22
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/20/2010 1:48:22 PM
Jax, I don't know as I'd slap that label on anyone I cared about, or myself. I loved, lived with, and adored a man who was a cancer survivor, and had a colostomy. It affected both of our lives, but not that much. It wasn't the cancer that killed him, rather the side effects of the treatments to beat the cancer (nine years down the road).

I wouldn't put it in my profile, but I would be ready to disclose early. I understand perfectly the potential for hurt, but you need to understand that if it's an issue for another, that is *their* bag, not yours.

Chin up sweetie ~~ lots of shallow Hals and gals in this world, but no great loss, eh? It is possible to find love with or without challenges.

Good luck!
 widowsdesire
Joined: 4/7/2009
Msg: 23
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/20/2010 8:14:44 PM
My husband had a colostomy. He had Crohn's disease and had the surgery at the age of 36. Shortly after the surgery he attempted suicide because he was depressed and afraid no one would ever love him because he was now "deformed."

Being trained in medicine, when I met him it was not a big deal to me. He did not tell me of the ostomy. He told me about his Crohn's disease, and the first time we cuddled
fully clothed, when I put my arm around him I heard the crinckle of the pastic bag and asked him if he had an ostomy. When he said yes, I just kind of took it in stride.

He was intelligent, funny, caring, and our personalitites meshed well. We enjoyed being with each other. I viewed him as a man, not an appliance. We went on to fall in love, were engaged and married within the year.

Your having an ostomy is not who you are. Yes, some people will judge you and not want to be involved because they do not want to be bothered. But there are people out there who will see you and all the lovely qualities you possess, and it will not matter.

This is a private issue. Get to know someone and take your time. If everything else clicks, you will have to have the discussion before you cross the line and become intimate. If they care you YOU, and are not just looking for no strings sex, it will not make a difference. The same thing applies to women who have had mastectomies for cancer, even if they had reconstructive surgery. This is not the kind of information you share on a first date or in a profile.

I wish you the best.
 kayleegirl
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 24
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/20/2010 8:43:15 PM
widowsdesire said it best
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 25
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/20/2010 8:57:01 PM
Well if a person had a choice meeting someone blind with 2 legs or 1...
having never met either....
a person would probably choose the 2 legged person.
But if the person knew a one legged person and thought that person cool...
it wouldn't matter.

Everybody who reads a profile does so on their shallowest level.
We choose pretty over ugly.
Healthy over sick.
Tall over short.
Just human nature when viewing complete strangers.
But with people we know all that doesn't matter.

I think there are guys who will think you rock OP!
You are pretty.
Your medical condition may be a blessing in disguise.
It will ward off the shallow and leave you only to deal
with guys who want to know you as you are.

I would suggest leaving it off your profile.
But mentioning it in email.
It may turn off some.
But they wouldn't have worked for you anyway.
 widowsdesire
Joined: 4/7/2009
Msg: 27
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/29/2010 9:07:34 AM
jaxchick, Men don't tell ladies on first meeting they have ED. Women don't tell men on first meeting they had a mastectomy or a hysterectomy. Men don't tell women on first meeting they have prostate problems. People don't usually disclose on first meeting histories of HPV or HSV.

Unless all you are looking for is a booty call, take your time to get to know someone as a person. When there is a connection on an emotional level, and physical attraction there, if the person is worthy of your time and attention, they will accept you, ostomy and all.

Having lived with and loved a man with a colostomy, I know there are ways to time intimacy to minimize the impact, such as after a shower and appliance change, and at a time of day when bowel activity is a little less. You have a lot of courage to bring this topic out in th eopen for forum discussion. I admire your strength.
 txredbull
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 28
view profile
History
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 1/29/2010 9:17:51 AM
They probably never read your profile or it didn't mean anything to them when they read it. You could put it up a little higher in your profile.
 jubsi
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 29
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 3/21/2010 10:10:48 AM
Hi,

There is a website for people with ostomies, called MeetAnOstoMate.com . It is a large community that you might find interesting.

Cheers,

J
 Meems919
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 30
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 3/20/2012 4:06:15 PM
My opinion is that #1 you're awesome. #2, everyone has something, yours is merely visible......I'd leave it off but talk about it after you've met someone you genuinely feel something for. In person.

Did I mention that I think you're awesome?

You should do well anywhere you are. Beautiful, smart, informed, experienced in life, sense of humor...you've got it all.
 slimgim
Joined: 8/22/2010
Msg: 31
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 5/19/2012 11:46:06 AM
Hi jaxostomate. I am a female with an iliostomy as well which i have had since 1994. My husband passed away two years ago and i have been mulling over going on this site and what the response would be when they find out i wear a bag. Your experience doesn't sound very encouraging lol. Anyway thought i would respond to tell you my story.
 onehappyfellow
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 33
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History
Is anyone out there an Ostomate?
Posted: 5/19/2012 12:21:09 PM
All things being equal - and they cannot be with a man twice your age - it would be a factor I would consider but not make or break factor. The colour of your hair and shape of your nose would also be factors. Who you are as a person is the make or break factor.
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