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Joined: 1/10/2010
Msg: 1
Is being seperated with scare men away?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I am totally new to this site nor did I think I would ever join one. I am seperated and I have two wonderful girls that are 5 & 11yrs. I have shared custody with my ex so I have time to go out when I don't have them. Seems that the response that I get from men that I approach are either deleted or they respond nicely by saying that they aren't interested.
Joined: 1/10/2010
Msg: 2
Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/14/2010 8:42:43 AM
Seperated with children is what is should say...didn't know how to edit it.
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 3
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Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/14/2010 9:20:49 AM
Separated to many means that there is still a possibility of a return to the Ex, or screams that you have unfinished business which may hamper the new relationship.
For every thread on here from a separated person that KNOWS they will never go back is another from a person broken hearted because the person they grew to love went home to the EX.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 4
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Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/14/2010 11:14:58 AM
Sounds like you are interested in casual dating and not a relationship, so the separated thing shouldn't be a big deal but it is true, that some people do get back together. Some will avoid you because of that potential, others will feel more strongly that the marriage isn't over until the ink is dry.

Don't take this place too seriously, it's a way to meet people but it isn't always particularly fruitful, but you may also find some friends along the way that you aren't really compatible dating but is a good friend.
Joined: 9/14/2009
Msg: 5
Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/14/2010 11:29:04 AM
Maybe it's just the guys you are emailing. Your profile reads fine, the pictures are great, when in doubt, blame it on the guys. (This coming from a guy)

as for the person who said get divorced, well there are a million reasons why you're not - none of which are our business. (Insert rant and rave about "time for healing" blah blah blah here.. I'm widowed, so should we assume I'm still carrying a torch?)
Joined: 11/13/2009
Msg: 6
Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/14/2010 12:03:19 PM
I too am very new to this site. I guess its funny, cuz after 18 years of a great marriage, I never thought I would be on here either. I dont think we ever plan on getting a divorce, nor do we plan on being forced to start over again, but, it happens, and we have to make the best of it. I know that when I talk to a guy and he says he is seperated, it kinda makes me feel uncomfortable, I guess because there is still the vows there, and possibility in my mind that it may not be over. I guess everyone sees things differently, and I wish you the best of luck. Today marks one year that my divorce was finalized, out with the old, and in with the new! Hope things work out for you.
Joined: 1/10/2010
Msg: 7
Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/14/2010 12:52:40 PM
There are posts galore all over this forum that address both of your issues.

Issue one is being separated. It's become the standard lament that the couple reconciles RIGHT when the newcomer starts to feel involved and gets into emotions and then WHAM they get dumped "for the sake of the kids" etc.

Oh.. EVERY separated person ALWAYS says it will NEVER happen.. especially the ones who DO go back.

2nd issue is your kids.

YOU will put the kids first, your ex's schedule with those kids and ALL things for your KIDS.. first and foremost in your life.. AS YOU SHOULD.

Where does that put the new guy? LAST. Ask yourself.. Who on earth wants to come LAST in their woman's life?

THEN you have to figure out the WHEN of "when do I introduce my kids to the new guy?" If you do it too soon, and they bond, and then you break up, you've played a yoyo game with your kids emotions.. and shame on you for that in advance

If you choose to HIDE your dating from your kids, it will take a HERCULEAN effort of sitters, patience, wait till Dad's weekend for a sleepover.. etc etc.

Unless you are moviestar good-looking AND more sexual than a porn star, your baggage of issues looks LIKE a mountain to get over for most guys.

Just a perspective for you.
Joined: 11/18/2008
Msg: 8
Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/14/2010 2:40:04 PM
I tried a separated but not divorced thing a year ago, and I will never try it again. They didn't get back together or anything like that, but there was soo much drama. Things weren't finished between them, and the "ex" was constantly trying to interfere with her life. I know that can happen after a divorce, too, but generally I think it happens a lot more often when things are still fresh enough that a divorce hasn't happened yet.

It's a big red flag to me. Also the whole "When I have free time I enjoy" seems to imply that it doesn't happen very often. I know what that's like, but it's important to be a little more optimistic imo.
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 9
Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/14/2010 4:12:20 PM
First off OP welcome to the whacky world of online dating and all that goes along with it.

In answer to your question..There are just as many reasons any potential person your interested in dating may not want to date you as there are of the reverse. Everyone has their own " I wont date that person because" list and that is the criteria that person goes by. They also have the " I want to date this person because.." list as well.

You have joined a much larger pond and there are many fish swimming in it. Some swim in your direction, some in the opposite direction,and some just swim in circles chasing their own tail. With time, effort and just plain luck you may find what your looking for.

Best advice I can give you is don't try to overthink it or you will be one of the fish who ends up swimming in circles. Good luck
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 10
Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/14/2010 6:36:54 PM
The problem is that the word "separated" plows a wide berth. The best thing to do would be explain your separation. Maybe even put a few notes about it in your profile.

Being separated does not always mean there is possible reconciliation with the ex, and being separated should not prevent you from being able to date. The facts are that divorce can be a very long process. In my case we were into the courts immediately, but it still took 14 months to get to the divorce stage. I've heard of it taking even longer.
Joined: 10/10/2009
Msg: 11
Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/14/2010 7:32:30 PM
sometimes peoples marriages are over long before they actually seperate, so what is the big deal about "rushing" to find someone that makes you happy?????
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 12
Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/14/2010 8:52:16 PM
I think some people using dating while separated/going through a divorce as a sort of anesthesia. I'm not interested in being some one's personal validator while they are going through this immense, life changing experience.

Joined: 8/23/2007
Msg: 13
Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/14/2010 11:22:25 PM
Yes, you are still married, so I won't be willing to date you. It's not the kids or anything else. There are too many emotions, ex issues, what is going to happen, not ready to commit, etc for a health relationship.
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 14
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Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/15/2010 5:24:31 AM
Q: Why go out dating when your business is half finished with your wife/husband?
A: Let me count some reasons: adult company, new friendships, and how about sex! My divorce took two years, because the ex just would not let it end. I have heard of some that have taken more then three years. I for one will not stop living my life to the fullest every day, because some one is dragging their feet. Why stop living? There is all ways un finished business out there or projects working WTF. I was ready to start dating the day the paperwork was filed and my atterney said your cool to date. In fact I was ready weeks before that just wanted to make sure it could not be used to hurt me in court. We only live once and most of us will not see 100. One, two or three years is more then 1%, 2% or 3% of a life time for all most all of us and your going to live it half way. That is so sad.

But your trying to tell some one that does not want to wait they should. I am just on the same sheet as them. Waiting is up to each individual. Giving up years of living life to the fullest, just not a good idea to lots of us. Some might have all kinds of deep thing going on in the old brain and not be able to let go, but do not push your issues of on us that do not think like that. Being able to move on is a really good thing in my book.
Joined: 1/10/2010
Msg: 15
Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/15/2010 6:56:44 AM
sometimes peoples marriages are over long before they actually seperate, so what is the big deal about "rushing" to find someone that makes you happy?????

Well there is most definately honest people here! I do appreciate everyone's truthful respones. And yes my marriage was over long before I decided to leave. The reasons of far too personal to say but for anyone that has gone through it I know that they would understand and hopefully agree that life is too short and why would I need to wait for a piece of paper that frees me to start over. I am not looking to jump into a serious relationship right away just dating is good for me. My girls do with their often and we do what we need to do to be friends for our girls sake minus drama. I understand that for some men as soon as you say the word kids they are turned off...but now I will add divorced soon and you know what it doesn't make me any less of a person. I believe everything happens for a reason and right now I am happy being me!
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 16
Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/18/2010 3:13:18 AM
I know alot ofseperated people are looking for a realtionship, now if you find some guy do you really want him to see you go thur a divorce as they can be nasty and dirty with alot of things said, might not be true but how is he to know. Allso you have seperated from him how are we to know if it is not some kook or posive or crazy and is dangerious. As for me I would not have anything to do with a seperated person for these reasons all so seperated peopl;e have been known to go back, you say you wont but people have.
Joined: 2/25/2009
Msg: 17
Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/18/2010 11:01:42 AM
some men are pricks,but saying that some woman do the same.chin up and keep looking
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 18
Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/18/2010 2:50:32 PM

You're still MARRIED. Why not concentrate on healing, getting your head together, spend some time on your own and work on getting DIVORCED before dating? Why are people in such a rush to find a new man/woman


I hate it when people think life is like a disney movie..
think about it.. if you seperate.. do you think that happens from one day to the next..?

but to topic.. a thread I created was just deleted, with the same issue... well minus the children...
and alot of answers and replies I got on there, was alot of demonizing and judging..
saying seperated=married etc.

unless you lived it, there's no way of judging a seperation status...
things aren't always perfect.

so yes, I found alot of people think it's a problem.
Im guessing it's because either they got "played" or just are narrowminded and live in an ideal world....

all in all it is frustrating
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 19
Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/18/2010 6:05:33 PM
Gonna play the devils advocate here for a sec.

So you think its okay to be seperated and date because you didnt have a judge say you were now single officially?

If you didn't/ don't need a judge to make you official..then why did you need a minister/ judge / justice of the peace ( or whatever person was involved ) to marry you and make you officially married?

You will find that to alot of folks its seems you wanting a double standard and you think us narrow minded because we dont agree with you ? You cant have the cake and eat it too in this case.

If your going to be officially married then by the same token you have to be officially divorced. Or is it ok for you to change the rules in the middle of the game just to suit your situation?

For those who cry its just a piece of paper.. true enough..But then again so was your marriage took the time to get that one to make things official.

Calling those folks who have finished the marriage and have the papers to prove it and asking the same of you isnt being any more narrowminded than your perspective on it.

So if I am narrowminded because I wont date you because you legally arent single.. Then Yeah I guess I fit that lot and do so with a free and officially single concious.

Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 20
Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/18/2010 7:17:34 PM
Dude that was so wrong...Your not my type anyway.. Oh and ms bitter dont feed the

OT I try never to judge by is principle..but if you don't make the reasons clear then you indeed give the person nothing to go by but the "stereotype" and yes you will be judged by it. You know in your mind what your defintion of single is and thats ok. But you cant expect everyone else to agree with it when it clashes with their own. You may feel single and have gotten over your relationship.. but legally your still married.

Say you find the next "mrs looking" and decide you want to remarry..Are you so sure you can just finish up the "paperwork" part of being single so easily? Perhaps the previous one wants to give you some grief ( for whatever reason) what will you do then?
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 21
Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/19/2010 4:26:11 PM
^^ I understand your position well and dont begrudge you the choice to live as you do.

My comments ( played as the devils advocate in this case) was to point out that many folks will not date those who have the moniker of seperated no matter how they try to justify the situation. In their minds and beliefs your still "legally" tied to that person.

"I am a mechanic by nature, I try to fix problems . A wrench is not the best tool I possess. My mind is. I am not declaring my status as a problem."

'Kay lets go with that for a sec.. Your situation is like a wheel with three lugs.

Lug one : Financial.. you got that lug on and tightened

Lug two : Emotional..same deal

Lug three: Legal..that one is started but you dont have it tight.

But hey two can still hold the wheel on so its good to go. You dont really need that third one to be tight anyway. Right?

Not many people want to take a ride in that kind of car..It doesnt make us idiots for wanting to make sure we are safe on the road. They are going to tell you..

Get the wrench out dude and finish the job .. The vacation and post card will still be there when the jobs finished. Besides you will enjoy it more knowing the job was done right and not having to wonder ( in the back of your mind)the whole time about that one lug that didnt get tightened.
Joined: 12/20/2009
Msg: 22
Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/19/2010 4:46:55 PM
1, my personal experience here is that not every one is scared of the issue.
2,nothing wrong with being honest.
3, if people don't value and appreciate your honesty and courage, what you care them for? They may not mature enough or over-realistic, in short, they just not the one for you.
4, be happy and confident, be yourself, you will find the one who truly loves the person you are and accept the situation you are in. Be prepared, it takes time.

Good luck~~~
Joined: 1/10/2010
Msg: 23
Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/19/2010 5:42:56 PM
Seperated means you are still married, different from divorce which is permanent. Any wise person wouldn't date a divorced person before they've been divorced at least two years.
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 24
Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/19/2010 5:59:35 PM
LOL fair enough but the instance you just mentioned isnt your situation now is it?

You already have everything split and settled emotionally.. you have not made the last step and made it legal. So in essence you haven't even put that nut on the lug.. or in the best case you've started it, so you have no need to worry about it stripping or breaking because of too much stress ( in your own words its been five years).

"Now, you are ready to drive down the proverbial road. Are you confident in how much stress was applied to the situation ?"

In the case of the last lug you didnt have any because it isnt tight at all.

"How much damage was created that you don't see immediately ?"

If you have been following what I have been saying this should be obvious..

"How much extra did it cost ? And what did you achieve ? Was it worth all the hassle ?"

Well what is your total piece of mind worth( in your example its 1300). You achieved closure to an issue that has lasted 5 years. Closure and piece of mind are always worth "the hassle" it takes to get them.

"It doesn't ? "

Not in the slightest
Joined: 1/10/2010
Msg: 25
Is being seperated with scare men away?
Posted: 1/20/2010 4:35:17 AM
I don't think separated people don't get it. YOU ARE STILL MARRIED. You are not available, some people in life have some kind of moral code along with self preservation.
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