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 AUTHOR
 mattcd
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 1
A Profound SadnessPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
After almost 21 years on this planet I have managed to turn into a completely lonely person. There it is, my big secret is finally out. I can describe the chronology that preceded this present, I can see the chain of objective events as well as the choices I've made that ended me up here, but I am still not able to stop wondering how I brought this on myself. I have become incredibly used to my loneliness, so much I believe now I am depended on it and yet I find myself surprised and disturbed by it every single day. Because you see, I did want to be lonely, I did not choose to have no friends, no companion, no lover, no human beings as part of my life. So now, as a last resort I've decided to use this as my latest attempt reaching out there and if no one reads this blog - hey... at least it gives me something to do, and I really need to find something to do with myself since it's very hard to keep oneself occupied completely alone.

For the last couple of hours I have a lump in my throught and every few minutes tears fill my eyes but I don't cry. I know this lump very well, it's not that ***hole from work that pissed me off today that put it there. It's been there for many many years, and those tears, they sneak up my eyes so often, every time I face one of those very well known moments that touch me inside and just like a button make those tears flow. But I never cry.

I don’t know how much longer I can go on. I’m a very sick person and I need help, but there’s none forthcoming. Not from any external source and I’m not able to help myself. I hate myself and I want to die. I am an abject failure on every imaginable level. I’m a joke and my mind doesn’t function properly anymore. Just now trying to write that last sentence, I had another one of those terrible feelings I have that I can’t put into words. I don’t know what the emotion is, I really don’t. It might be anger and frustration at a level that I can barely handle. Helplessness. I tense up and I sort of grit my teeth. I hate myself so much during these moments and I don’t know what to do. I do know that it hurts, unlike anything else. And I hate it.

I don’t know what to do at this point, I really don’t. Right now I have this awful feeling in my stomach. I’m so afraid. I feel like this more and more often. Like this and the frustration I mentioned before. And I hate it. I HATE it. Please don’t think that I like feeling this way, that I want to. I don’t, okay? I ****ing HATE it. That anger is happening again. And again. I sort of grab my face as well.

The other day at work, I almost started crying. I was crying. It didn’t last long but it’s the first time that I can recall it manifesting itself at work. I hate myself is what I hate. I can’t ****ing stop feeling this way, ****. The suggestion that I enjoy it or am comfortable with it causes even more pain. I just felt so lonely, it overcame me. Not having any friends or a girl or the possibility of either probably contributed.

I don’t have any friends, I don’t. I tell myself that all the time, I’m telling myself that right now. So I am a terrible, ungrateful person. People who say that are my friend, people who probably are my friends. Thinking the way I do is such a shitty thing to do to these people. I am a sack of shit. People who truly say they care and give every indication that they mean it, I still say that I have no friends. I can only hope and pray that they can forgive me. I’m sick. Please forgive me. But I don’t know if they will. People hate me, they ****ing hate me. I ask for forgiveness and I turn right around and say that they hate me. I am a sack of shit.

I am so lonely, my God. No woman will want someone like this. I wouldn’t if I were in their place. I want to change. I can’t though. Every time it’s the same thing though. Just like tonight. I do nothing. I do ****ing nothing. I am also a coward of course. I think too much. I have all these thoughts in my head and I just think too much. Right now I’m thinking about how I would do things differently if I had another chance or for next time. But I can’t relive this. And there will be no ‘next time’. If there is, it’ll be the same story anyways. It always has been and always will be. Anytime I do make progress or someone pushes me into action, I don’t learn from it or gain confidence. I go back to the gutless piece of shit that I was and always will be.

And I am dying to cry, for once and for all, cry for real. I feel I am repressing myself, for so long. The longer I hold this cry inside me I am more scared to let it out. I am afraid of the sound it will make, I am afraid I wont be able to stop, I am scared I wont be able to breath. But I think if I do cry, it will be such a tremendous release that I must do this. Sometimes I feel I am almost there, but I never cry.
 Fishingexperiment
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 2
A Profound Sadness
Posted: 1/19/2010 5:33:25 AM
I just read your profile, so I assume the above is supposed to be creative fiction. Sorry to say, but I cannot for the life of me imagine who would want to pay money for this. I know I certainly couldn't stomach reading more than a few lines. Are you trying to be Sylvia Plath?
 mattcd
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 3
A Profound Sadness
Posted: 1/19/2010 5:37:36 AM
Unfortunately and undoubtedly it is not fiction. But the character remains anonymous.
 bugse
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 4
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A Profound Sadness
Posted: 1/21/2010 4:24:41 AM
what do you want from this post?
 mattcd
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 5
A Profound Sadness
Posted: 1/24/2010 1:19:16 AM
It's creative writing! Does anyone ever really get anything from it? No. Just the person reading it. But that's not exactly true you see. I wanted the reader to feel and understand what this character thinks and feels. But most of all I wanted to make an impact on the reader. For good or bad? I don't know. That's what you make of it.
 Fishingexperiment
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 6
A Profound Sadness
Posted: 1/24/2010 4:50:05 AM
But you see, Matt, that's not what it does.

What it does is make the reader think, "What bad writing!"

It is not in the least real. It lacks a lot.

Incidentally, something is either creative writing - which means fiction, or it's fact (which can be creative non-fiction). In an earlier post, you said the person existed, but remained anonymous, so which is it?

I didn't feel bad when I read it, just bored out of my mind.
 SuzyqInMD
Joined: 1/17/2010
Msg: 7
A Profound Sadness
Posted: 1/24/2010 5:52:25 AM
I associated it with more like, 'reaching out cause I feel real bad right now" kind of deal.
Im going to address the creative writing style of it-because what your feeling is to me normal blues a person feels occasionally. Sorry honey but we all feel that doom, under the weather, the world hates me feelings kind of thing too often in life..

So I looked up on the internet and recd these 2 definitions one from Wikipedia
"Creative writing is anything where the purpose is to express thoughts, feelings and emotions rather than to simply convey information."

You DO that in this.

"Works which fall into this category include novels, epics, short stories, and poems. Writing for the screen and stage, screenwriting and playwriting respectively, typically have their own programs of study, but fit under the creative writing category as well."

This is not something you have done now... You didn't tell a story or get across a incident. Your describing feelings without cause.

"Witty and LaBrant…[say creative writing] is a composition of any type of writing at any time primarily in the service of such needs as

1. the need for keeping records of significant experience,
2. the need for sharing experience with an interested group, and
3. the need for free individual expression which contributes to mental and physical health"

This is you for sure.
What you need is to express a little bit more of YOU into it, and make the reader connect to you as a person before you express h feelings.

I wish you the very best. And go out and enjoy life.
 Fishingexperiment
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 8
A Profound Sadness
Posted: 1/24/2010 8:10:41 AM
Purpleprose, that definition is rather like defining an egg as something that is yellow and white and leaving out the fact that it comes from a chicken!

Creative writing is essentially the kind of writing that is colored by imagination and is predominantly used in fiction, i.e. novels, poems, plays, etc. It can be used for a particular brand of non-fiction which uses fictional techniques of plot/story (decidely missing from above), the rhythm that is essential to all good writing, and good grammar, i.e. punctuation, and sentence and paragraph structure. All of the above are missing from the writing above.

All creative fiction has a story or plot. The above piece does not. That immediately eliminates it from the category of creative fiction.

At best, it's a vignette or a journal entry.
 SuzyqInMD
Joined: 1/17/2010
Msg: 9
A Profound Sadness
Posted: 1/24/2010 8:59:42 AM
" journal entry".

YES thats it. thats what I was feeling. Good call.
However, not even as well as that either.
 anonymous caller
Joined: 6/8/2007
Msg: 10
A Profound Sadness
Posted: 1/24/2010 5:01:05 PM
Ease up Fishingexperiment. We all get your point.


SC
 StanThaMan321
Joined: 10/10/2009
Msg: 11
A Profound Sadness
Posted: 1/25/2010 6:26:56 AM
no she needs to keep going... That was a horrible missrepresentation. Thread starter should be ashamed of himself
 ahardy57
Joined: 5/30/2009
Msg: 12
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A Profound Sadness
Posted: 1/29/2010 6:17:06 PM
Mattcd, I came across your writing. I don't see anything objectionable. It seems what you are expressing, is what some people feel from time to time. In this country, I find, that people spend so much time in work related issues, that hardly much is ever left for love and friendship, just for the sake of it. We sacrifice all these values for money and the pursuit of it, and now so many of us are suffering the consequences of a society that loves money more than people, this is not an individual problem,though it is keenly felt by the individual, this is a societal problem.

Man is a tribal creature, and for generations untold, we have been living in tribes, and modern society alienates us from each other. The results in aloneness and addictions, and a host of illness.

Nothing IS wrong with anyone, people may DO wrong, and that can be corrected, but
BEING itself is basically good and should be enjoyed. Loneliness is a common American problem, but interesting enough the person feeling it feels he is the only person going through it. At worse he feels flawed, but that is the error of depressed thinking, because no one is flawed, but our loneliness puts us in a state of mind where we get stuck in cyclical thinking.

I think you can transplant this post in another forum and see how it blossoms.

Loneliness takes the joy and light out of life, but it can be relieved by caring for others who also have problems of their own. It's okay to let down your guard to a few trusted people, it's the only way to be loved.

When we are alone, the dark thoughts come and repeat themselves, "Nobody loves me." Then something is wrong with me. It will always be this way." ...........and the thoughts lead to feelings that spiral down into despair.

The problem is, our thinking itself becomes diseased, and we begin to believe the worse and fear the worse.

Then it's time to put a stop to those thoughts and reach out to some one, it's impossible to feel this way while reaching out to someone, especially if they need help. The selfless giver is never depressed.

Anyway, I think your writing has lots of feelings, and it captures what many people are going through right now. You have a nice day.
 mattcd
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 13
A Profound Sadness
Posted: 1/30/2010 12:26:55 AM
Thanks for all your input guys. "When we are alone, the dark thoughts come and repeat themselves, "Nobody loves me." Then something is wrong with me. It will always be this way." ...........and the thoughts lead to feelings that spiral down into despair." Some one knows what they are talking about. Oh yeah and for my critics. Why after reading my post, Clearly written in a time of distress. Why would you insult me and my writing? It's not like I'm a huge famous writer or a screen actor. I'm just a young man with problems and a broken heart. So why. Ask yourself now. Do I want to insult this guy. and make this person feel even worse.
 salamander000
Joined: 10/26/2004
Msg: 14
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A Profound Sadness
Posted: 1/30/2010 5:53:09 PM
ahhm, the angst of youth, mmm, this too shall pass
 ahardy57
Joined: 5/30/2009
Msg: 15
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A Profound Sadness
Posted: 1/30/2010 6:52:47 PM
It's because you have such a sweet soul that you feel such pain, you have the capacity for great pain because of your great capacity to love. When you come out of your despair, the joy is more profound and appreciated. Everyone, with some degree of heart is going to through the valley, sometimes. That is good in a way. It means you're alive and you have to capacity to connect to another. The only way out of the despair is to reach out to another. It's hard to stay in the pit while you're giving. Allow your self an allotted time to be sad, maybe about fifteen minutes, tops, then get up and do something vigorous, like a walk, exercise, or do something you really enjoy. Be kind to yourself and don't be harsh on yourself. Instead try and focus on the good in your life. You can email me anytime you want to chat.
 joefleur
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 16
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A Profound Sadness
Posted: 2/2/2010 9:40:30 PM
Don't lose hope, There is a time and a purpose for everything.
Hope
Hope is the purpose of every ones heart,
Doubt and worry both cause depression.
Desire is the name of the river of life,
These are the greatest confessions.
Yet hope can be lost and weary worn,
If not nurtured with love and caring.
There’s four things you see that keep it strong,
These four things will help keep your bearings.
Forgetting the past is a great place to start,
It’s great weight can pull one down.
Dragging and kicking and holding us back,
Releasing all this makes one sound.
To banish all doubt is the next step at hand,
Doubt and worry can kill hope indeed.
Doubts are the musings of a worrisome mind,
When you banish all doubt you’ll be freed.
And tame your ego he’s such a brash young fellow,
It’s selfish pride that comes before ones fall.
So be humble and care and love one another,
Care and love tame the ego for all.
Face fear with courage and stand your ground,
Without purpose of heart there’s no hope.
Face all of life’s trials with heroic deeds,
Desires the river and hope is your rope.
Doubts and fears flee in the face of courage,
By heroic deeds you can stand all alone.
For happiness is found in a hero’s last stand,
it’s from these hope and desire are grown.
E.J.LaFleur
 thePinch
Joined: 1/19/2010
Msg: 17
A Profound Sadness
Posted: 2/4/2010 9:03:47 PM
Of course, the alternative consideration is that people who read and comment about postings on creative writing are themselves incapable of creative writing.
 bodypro8
Joined: 12/10/2007
Msg: 18
A Profound Sadness
Posted: 2/5/2010 2:21:09 AM
Of course, the alternative consideration is that people who read and comment about postings on creative writing are themselves incapable of creative writing.
^^^
Thank you.
 collecting moments
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 19
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A Profound Sadness
Posted: 2/5/2010 2:39:02 AM
I thought your words were beautiful. While reading it I couldn't wait to get to the end.
"I don’t know what the emotion is, I really don’t. It might be anger and frustration at a level that I can barely handle. Helplessness."
"I don’t know what to do at this point, I really don’t. Right now I have this awful feeling in my stomach. I’m so afraid."
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 20
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A Profound Sadness
Posted: 2/7/2010 10:37:16 AM
I feel that I could really understand a lot of things I'm sure you intended to convey ... no one ever really knows what another intended to convey ... but I'm assuming that I'm interpreting your post the way you intended ...

"most men lead lives of quiet desperation" ... can't remember who said that ... but probably one of those heavy-weight philosophers ... Ralph Waldo Emerson maybe ... that era anyway ...

if I were to start to cry, my fear is that I'd never stop ...
 mattcd
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 21
A Profound Sadness
Posted: 2/8/2010 3:29:57 AM
"men lead lives of quiet desperation" Wow
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 22
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A Profound Sadness
Posted: 2/10/2010 8:04:20 PM
Henry David Thoreau: "Most men live lives of quiet desperation - and go to their graves with the song still in them."
 exogenist
Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 23
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A Profound Sadness
Posted: 2/11/2010 10:04:30 AM
@mattcd

I think It is great!!! It may be normal blues or a spike of depression but when someone can relate to it, it helps to take their mind off what they are feeling. If someone has gone through it then I can go through it too. I am going through it and I have known people who go through it.

It really is just a curable emotional illness. EVERYBODY on Earth goes through it.
 Mel_1970
Joined: 5/5/2009
Msg: 24
A Profound Sadness
Posted: 3/3/2010 11:35:40 AM
Hi Mat
Ive just read your post and would like to talk to you privately
Please contact me as I am unable to contact you via your profile

Mel
 Romany Chile
Joined: 9/23/2008
Msg: 25
A Profound Sadness
Posted: 3/4/2010 5:53:53 AM
Matt

If nothing else this reminded me of a friend who has feelings like your character....................I've just got off the 'phone for a long overdue 'checkin' with him.

Thank you
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