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 AUTHOR
 ~Sexiest User~
Joined: 10/2/2009
Msg: 2
Brutal Honesty? Page 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
Hey OP,

What you're saying is pretty much true.
lea in west tn
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 3
Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 10:32:41 AM
Honestly, I would so rather have a guy be honest with me. I mean, if we meet and you don't like me, for God's sake DON'T ask me out again. Please. I promise to not go home and slit my throat.

I've only met one guy in 3 years who was honest enough to not ask me out again -- and that was last night. And I wrote him a nice email telling him I appreciated his honesty and wished him luck in his search.

So, yeah, I'm a huge fan of the type of brutal honesty I described above. I'm not a fan of just being mean to someone.
 livingthesimplelife
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 4
Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 10:33:26 AM
I have been called brutally honest by several people even though I don't consider myself to be so. After reading this I hope I don't come across as mean or verbally abusive. If someone asks for my opinion I will give it.

You are correct about it ending many relationships as I have found that none of mine last too long. Is it my fault? Now that I see your point of view I believe it could be the case. Thanks for the eye opener.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 5
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History
Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 10:38:55 AM
Give me "tactfully honest" rather than "brutally honest".
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 10
Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 11:12:13 AM

He said candor is when you say "The president is a fink". Candor is directed at SOMEONE else. He said honest is when you say " I AM A FINK"

Both are candor and honesty. Candor is being honest. The latter you point out is humble honesty, about themselves. It's an admission of something negative.

Yes, many of the "brutally honest" types aren't honest about -themselves- when it comes to something bad, but neither are most people in general. I think it'd be a little hasty to group all folks who are more "brutally honest" than the average Joe or Jane into one category, though.

I agree though, some people will say "I'm just being brutally honest", as a defense for venting. But aside from that, I would want someone being brutally honest when it's necessary to tell me something. Why get a sugar-coated response? Many times that sends the wrong message. Now, that does NOT mean unnecessary adjectives for the sake of venting (ie being mean).

There's a difference between a clear concept by itself being thought of as offensive when pointed out to someone, vs unnecessary adjectives that "rub it in" on top of it. Brutal honest is about making the concept clear. The adjectives are used only to the point of making the concept clear and preventatively not mis-interpreted when conveying something to them.

Unfortunately, it's that concept itself that people will flip out about, without any unnecessary descriptors piled on, and that's why many people don't even want -genuine- brutal honesty. 99% don't want to know that you lost interest in them because their nose makes them look ugly, even if they say they want to know exactly why. A gal would rather hear inflated reasons as to why he cheated like "I wasn't ready for a real relationship, and as much as I care for you and think you're awesome, it was my stupid reaction to draw a line in the sand that I'm can't be set in one," as opposed to the REAL honesty "I'm not interested in a relationship with -you-. Even though you do have good qualities that I like, I'm not attracted enough, if you're looking for the bottom-line answer. I slept with Sally because she's hot, even though for other reasons, I'm not interested in a relationship with her, either." The latter is brutal honesty, and not bashing or being mean. The first answer has some truth to it, but is dishonest.

Many times telling someone the FULL truth alone is "mean".
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 11
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Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 11:25:07 AM
I'll go with what Jesse Owens said: you never get anywhere giving someone the lowdown on themselves.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 15
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History
Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 12:03:36 PM
BDJ if your brand of honesty stops at honest and doesn't go beyond it to making comments unnecessary to get one's point across, often cruel comments, then that's the difference.

Let's say someone is learning how to cook, what they have produced isn't great but maybe has some potential. The brutally honest person would see himself/herself as somehow beneficial to them if they said it tastes like shit whereas the tactful person might say, it seems like it could use something. Consequently we look at the spice cabinet, or let it cook longer, or whatever, everybody is happier than when the brutally honest person led the cook to believe that his/her food was hopeless and they could never learn.

There are times when brutal honesty is appropriate. When someone has so screwed up their lives that they need someone to really spell out for them just how much. Or the aspiring artist that has not one iota of talent, i.e. no amount of practice, lessons, study is going to improve them. In that case, being brutally honest about the person never succeeding at what he is trying to do is a good thing, far kinder than those who have been "kind" in the past and led the person to think they had something they never would.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 17
Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 12:11:01 PM
You make an excellent point, OP. There is no need to be brutal with others. Honesty is appreciated and admired. Brutality isn't. I don't particularly agree with his definition of candor vs honesty though. I believe you can be candid about your own shortcomings as well as those of others. And neither candor nor honesty is always used to detract from someone or something. You can be honest and candid in a positive manner also.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 18
Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 12:14:08 PM
Personally I like honesty, period. Clear, direct, unadulterated honesty. I don't care about someone using tact with me if it's going to get in the way of me getting accurate information, but then again I don't take everything personally. I also don't think insulting someone to tell them something is productive either.

On a side note...I'm not good with people who ask questions hoping for a specific answer, so if someone's fishing for a compliment or trying to get a certain response from me and I just bluntly respond - it can be taken as brutal honesty to that person because it just plain wasn't what they wanted to hear. In that case I don't apologize for it.

There are also people who take indirect honesty to a direct question as something other than an answer - so I like to make sure there's no question about my response.

In the end, knowledge is power. I'm not going to split hairs about how I learn something so long as I do. An example of that is men who don't like getting no response to an e-mail - but don't want a woman to respond if it's going to make him feel bad. That's BS. Take the answer in whatever form you get it and make use of it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 21
Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 12:36:27 PM
^^^See, that's what I mean. I don't think "I don't love you" is brutal - it's just blunt and direct. It might seem brutal though if it's not what you're hoping/ wanting/ expecting to hear. Someone loving, not loving, or not being sure they love you is a factual thing.

I feel that brutal means anything added to an already clear statement meant to cause hurt or to offend.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 22
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Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 1:08:15 PM
i'm just gonna look at one little aspect of this topic, and that's seeing people write in their profiles 'i'm brutally honest.' it's nonsense.

i regard it as a plea for 'honesty' because the writer has no ability to discern it in others, or deal with its lack.
Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 1:53:01 PM
I believe its always best to be honest, but given with good will and grace. No need to be hurtful and mean about it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 32
Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 2:41:59 PM
Brutal honesty is only hurtful when the recipient of such honesty doesn't really want to hear straight truth.

Brutal honesty can be saying that I can't be in the same room with you without getting a skin splitting throb of a hard on. Is that a compliment? I'll let you be the judge...

But if I say that, "I'm sorry, but I lose my hard on every time you come around", that's also brutally honest and truthful. But maybe you find me to be skeevy. So you are overjoyed to hear it. Ok, so maybe not overjoyed, but you'll be thinking, "thank god!"

Some people just can't handle the truth and don't want to hear it unless it's the truth they want to hear. Some people can feel it's too brutally honest just to say, "hey, I don't find you to be attractive." It can anger them just the idea that the one who they find attraction for doesn't find attraction to them in return.

Exactly. I agree with all of this. I will however not condone honesty if it's not asked for. Unsolicited honestly or opinions are different. If you volunteer information to a woman about how your hard on or lack of it is affected by her presence then yeah, that's not necessary. If she asks you specifically what your groin does when you see her, then let it rip.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 33
Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 2:42:25 PM

Once in a while I hear people say "I am brutally honest" and they seem to think it is a great virtue. My experience is that such people are just plain mean and usually the recipient of their brutal honesty is verbally abused. This has ended many a relationship. Then the verbal abuser says as a justification "I was just being honest!"

Exactly. I've said this a dozen times here. If someone is placing "brutal" in front of honest, what they are secretly saying is, "I don't have a clue how to tactfully get my opinion out, so it's OK if I'm a complete jackass. Get over it." No thanks. If someone can't kindly say that which they wish to say ~ I don't wish to hear what wants to come out of their mouth. JMO
 Puppydog54
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 35
Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 2:58:40 PM
Might be a bit off topic, but I'm reminded of what my mother used to say all the time... "Just because something is true doesn't mean it needs to be spoken."
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 37
Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 3:26:35 PM
People who are brutally honest don't really care about being honest, they only like the brutal part. They get off on tearing people to shreds. You can be honest with someone without tearing them down.
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 39
Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 3:54:41 PM
There is a way to be completely honest with someone without being cruel about which is what brutal honesty is it. For example is someone makes a meal for you and it was not that good a brutally honest person would say, when asked," it tasted like a rotting pile of garbage.What is wrong with you that you can't cook something correctly". A kinder person would say," well it wasn't the best.I think you put in too much salt and maybe cooked it a little too long".

While the kinder way of telling someone the truth may very well still hurt their feelings, you have not ripped them to shreds and made them feel like they are two inches tall like you would with brutal honesty.
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 40
Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 3:57:37 PM
.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 41
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Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 4:10:38 PM
There's a bunch of stuff like this, crappy stuff people do to other people, but try to disguise it as a 'virtue.' Verbal stuff is the worst, with cover phrases like "being brutally honest," "being up-front" (that was a favorite cover for insults in the 70's).
"Just being real" is another one that used to be popular, often used to pretend that the person's intense and undisguised greed and selfishness was actually a sign they were BETTER than you.
I've seen plenty of it, and when I do, I'm ever so politely GONE.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 44
Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 4:34:54 PM
Most people who say they want "brutal" or "complete" honesty don't want either.

My sons girlfriend was visiting with him over the holidays and asked if a checked shirt and jeans made her look to "butch".
She is a large girl with very short hair.

Well, would she had asked if SHE herself didn't think so?
I couldn't say anything. She looked like a lumber jack.

My son just burst out "yes she thinks you do because she didn't say anything".

I prefer people not to ask what they really do not want to know. I am blunt, honest and will not tip toe on egg shells.

What was I to say ? Yes.. but the color is nice? Well that would have worked but still hurt
her feelings.

Why not just say I think the bounty paper towel guy is going to really like you and smile.
Make it a joke.

I don't think that is cruel when you joke around with people you know.
A stranger, I just won't answer.
I may even tell them they don't really want to know.
 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 45
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Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 4:41:24 PM
Why do you have to be an a s s hole to deliver the truth.

Brutal honesty - just an intimidation tactic to catch you off guard.
The brutally honest jack off tells you how he feels, in no uncertain terms
in such a manner to throw you off course - to step back and to actually
accept the punch in the face - disarming you to the point where you have
no retaliation reflex.

Brutally honest people have two common characteristics - they are
aggressive and they bully people into listening to thier views.

Have I been brutally honest - I think I have been perceived here on
occasion as being brutally honest when I first started posting on the forums -
Now - no. I dont intentionally set out to hurt people.

I try to show them how I perceive the truth but I try to be who I really am
and thats a pretty nice girl.
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 46
Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 4:44:32 PM
I don't know why people call it "brutal honesty".....could it be a definition coined by the recipient’s reaction to what has been said?


What if one was TOTALLY HONEST and the recipient’s translation of such honesty is greeted with shock, or pain would that make it brutal? And if so who should bare such responsibility?

I don't know that any truth is able to hurt anyone without the truth already been accepted by that person before they even hear it from another...

If you believe it to be true it will hurt, if you don't than it's water off a ducks back....
 TheReason_
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 47
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Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 4:47:44 PM
Some people pass off being a b!tch or an a$$hole as being "honest"

I don't like those people.




Honestly.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 48
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Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 4:51:09 PM
I literally *just* wrote about this elsewhere as one of the major red flags I encounter in prospective dates.

To me, "brutally honest" people are more brute than honest, and they use this as selfish excuse to be rude and intolerant.
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 49
Brutal Honesty?
Posted: 1/23/2010 4:51:43 PM
^^^^^Only BDJ loves them BIG
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