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 gunny2nd
Joined: 1/10/2010
Msg: 1
Friends that want more..Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I have a friend that I have been close to for years. She is a great person and very attractive. I couldn't ask for a better lady friend.

Here is the situation/ problem/question.
She lives in FL and I am there about once maybe twice a month. We always grab a drink and a bite to eat during my stay. This has always been purly a friendship. We have never even kissed or talked about moving into a relationship.

Over the past few months when we have gotten together she has been acting more friendly. You know how you can tell when someone likes you? Yeah, the touch of hand, the smiles, the looking back, long hugs, the eyes!, all of the clear as day signs that say 'I want you to be mine'. She even asked if I wanted to stay with her rather then my hotel..

The issue here is that I do not want that relationship. I live too far away, and I fear that if the relationship ended, so would our friendship, and I do not want that. I have to go back there in a couple of weeks and I'm not sure what to do.

I know that I have to turn her down. But should I wait until she comes out with it? Or will it save her some humiliation if I just bring it up? I don't want to hurt her or for this to have a negative impact on our friendship. Rock and a hard place..

What triggers feelings like this? Your friends for years and then all the sudden you have feelings for them? Could it have been something I did?

I have asked myself that question, if there was something I did.. The only thing I can come up with is there a functions with my company I go to every now and then in FL such as simple gatherings, parties, and awards. She has been with me several times. They are normally suit and ties, open bars, a boring presentation, and then music and talking. She enjoys going and I enjoy having her there with me. No worries about if a date is having a good time, or having to find one for that matter.

I asked her to go with me the first time and now its just kind of known that she is coming with me. She says that she just enjoys getting 'dolled up' for these. I have also gone to functions with her when she didn't have a date. We have been friends for so long that I guess I assumed that she had no feelings for me.

Could I have led her on?

You thoughts would help.
Thanks.
 chaswhatif
Joined: 4/30/2005
Msg: 2
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Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/24/2010 8:14:19 AM
Why turn her down? She knows more than you in this regard
 Houstongirl2
Joined: 1/17/2009
Msg: 3
Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/24/2010 8:14:28 AM
Well, I'm a girl but have been in similar situations with guys that want more but I did not. The ONLY way out of this is to just laugh it off. When a guy comes on to me that I am not interested in that way I just make a joke and brush it off. That way no sticky situation, no rejection, he saves face and we go on as friends. I'm telling you dude that if you tell her you aren't interested in more with her she will feel rejected and you will no longer be hanging out when you are in town. I DO NOT think you are "leading her on" because you have only been friends from the start, never a hint of going into a relationship or dating.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 4
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Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/24/2010 8:18:48 AM
First of all, I would put all thoughts of "did I lead her on? what did i do?" out of your head. They will only get in the way of dealing with the situation, and also will likely not be answerable.
What I would do to deal with it, is to choose a moment to talk about general things. like long-distance relationships and how you want to stay away from them. Normally I don't recommend the oblique approach, but as you are only in the "suspicion" stage, this would provide you a way to be both TRUTHFUL, and communicate gently that you can't be with her "that way." If you wait until it's out in the open, you'll have the greater challenge of trying to say no, without seeming to reject her as a person who is worth dating.
 Zuglo
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 5
Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/24/2010 8:19:32 AM
Wow, it's going to be interesting what others will say..
I understand your dilemma..
I would do these thing with a women, not thinking twice about it..Keep it strictly on a friendship level..
Could that be that she just want to have sex with you? Be your FWB?
You doing the right thing wanting to talk to her about it.
Yes, bring it up the next time you see her. Tell her what you said here.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 6
Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/24/2010 8:32:02 AM
Maybe she has seen something that has been in front of her face for years,,,but the view has become clearer. It happens to a few of us as we age,,,thou it sometimes has been obvious to a lot looking from the outside for a long time.

If she has confronted you with the "new" feelings,,,I wouldn't do a whole lot of anything. If she does,,,maybe time to open the box and see what's inside. As time passes on me,,,more and more doors start opening that we never thought we would ever enter. Well,,,,I should say,,,for "some" of us that is.
 sumtimeztwisted
Joined: 1/10/2010
Msg: 7
Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/24/2010 8:50:11 AM
Im doubting the premise of the story here. Yeah this really attractive woman wants me, but I value our friendship soooo much. I dont want it just to be a bootycall thing. U get my really nice guy award, if it helps at all. Its down below and looks like a flashing smiley face.

 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 8
Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/24/2010 8:55:32 AM
Sheez! If she is giving these non-verbal cues you so clearly interpret, I'm sure you can respond in kind. Come on, dude ... You don't need to "say" it, just let your actions speak for themselves!
You know, leave your gay porn collection laying around!
 Alyosha
Joined: 10/29/2007
Msg: 9
Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/24/2010 9:01:11 AM
First of all may I commend you for liking and respecting this woman more than you might want an easy lay. Personally I wouldn't wait to see if she becomes explicit about this because then, if you follow through on your present feelings, she might feel humiliated. Can you find some way to bring it up as a theoretical thing, a hypothetical thing and find the way to tell her you care too much for and about her to risk an intimate relationship that couldn't work out as you see it?
 gracengracie
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 10
Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/24/2010 9:04:41 AM
Hello OP,
You sound like a really good person. I would bring up the issue before she comes on to you again.
I would make a point that you value her friendship a lot and you want to be friends with her for the long term. Also make a point that you totally don't believe in long distance relationships and that you are so happy your friendship has survived the fact that you guys live far from each other.

Maybe she feels lonely, maybe she hasn't been successful getting a bf locally, etc. Sometimes women idealize friends and start developing these desire for more...if it is dealt with with tact and kindness I believe you can accomplish your goal to keep her just as a friend. I am sure you are able to do that...

I agree its better to talk to her w/o waiting for her to send you hints again, then she really will save some face.

Good luck to you.
 somephxguy
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 11
Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/24/2010 9:25:46 AM

should I wait until she comes out with it?

Why do you think she is going to do anything more than ever just subtle hints slowly pushing you to give her what she wants?

Not to mention how do you know she wants "more" and not just to have sex?
Could it be that she's frustrated with dating, or got out of a serious relationship semi recently and you are simply the closest and easiest person she knows she will never have to really commit or accept responsibility to?
Could it be that she has no idea what YOU want, so is acting in a way she knows you will understand in the hopes of generating a specific response from you in order to help her define the relationship?

Simply put could she simply be offering the FWB relationship?
Could she simply be trying to use you to fill what she sees is missing and to take away social pains/pangs?
Could she not really understand what relationship you really have now because neither of you are very good at actually communicating with each other so she starts adopting different behavior in order to see where the relationship is by how you react?


will it save her some humiliation if I just bring it up?

Beats me. Do you think she doesn't know what she's doing? If not, you could humiliate her. If she kind of knows what she is doing all you can really do is reject her advances.


I don't want to hurt her or for this to have a negative impact on our friendship.

I don't want to pay taxes. But I do. Because in the long run it's a lot easier than dealing with going to jail and being audited. Although in the short run it's easier to just not send them money.


What triggers feelings like this?

Yours or hers?
Yours may be triggered by self image. You don't want to be seen as a guy that takes advantage of a friendship so anything that implies you would you take offense at.
Maybe you are simply not attracted to her.
Maybe you see a long distance thing as too annoying and not worth it.

Hers may be triggered by loneliness, inability to communicate in a friendship, lack of something from current relationships, simply needing validation.


our friends for years and then all the sudden you have feelings for them?

Familiarity breeds love and/or contempt.
"Friends" is a vague relationship label that has many definitions set by behavioral boundaries, not ideals or future "goals." It is also constantly redefined based on one persons needs or wants. IOW "friends" are a tool you use, a mutually beneficial arrangement that can end at any time without any hurt deep feelings. It really only means "more than strangers, less than romantically bonded" so can fall anywhere in between there.


Could I have led her on?

Sort of and yes. By not communicating with her.
Why do people see "friendships" as any less complicated than romantic relationships? Or easier? Or less important? Why do they think people are different people based on different labels?


I assumed that she had no feelings for me.

Do you think people have compartmentalized emotions? Kept in a little plastic box inside of them labeled "friend emotions, romantic emotions, stranger emotions, family emotions, etc.,"?
Emotions are reactions to environments, not choices. You can change the environment but now how you will emotionally react to it.
You can change the physical environment in obvious ways. You change the relationship environment by communicating. Talking, listening, retaining, thinking.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 12
Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/24/2010 9:32:50 AM
Hustongirl, I don’t think I would like a man making a joke about my affections. That wouldn’t work for me. However, IgorFrankesteen, yours I like.


choose a moment to talk about general things. like long-distance relationships and how you want to stay away from them.


It’s logical, to the point, and does not question my emotions.

Then there are others that suggest you consider the offer put in front of you. An amazing relationship begins with friendship. What a good base to start from. Maybe she’ll move to where you live, and you can keep her place as a getaway. Best of both worlds.

Good luck with your situation.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 13
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Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/24/2010 9:38:22 AM
Honestly, you and probably she are at "that age" where marriage and children are on her mind. You are good friends, you have history together, you enjoy one anothers company, you request her presence at events. So is distance the only issue? Or is their something else you are not telling us. If she lived in your city would you date her?
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 14
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Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/24/2010 10:34:41 AM
I was in this position......and I handled it with a "little white lie"!

I told him another male long distance friend had approached me about "something more".......and how I cannot handle long distance relationships. I spoke from the heart about my not wanting to hurt the friend .......that I wanted more than anything to always be his friend and I was having a hard time figuring out what to say to this man without losing the friendship. I asked his advise on how to handle the situation.
I was able to lay all my feelings on the table......without embarrassing him or putting any strain on our friendship.

He never came out with his own feelings and we are still great friends to this day.
 wishingwell555
Joined: 10/29/2009
Msg: 15
Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/24/2010 3:10:20 PM
Going with you to all these things, she felt like your date.
And, being a good friend, what better way to start any real
relationship. If you did not want this woman for that, you
should have found a real date to take along. However you tell her,
She will be hurt because she wants more. IMO
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 16
Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/24/2010 3:21:30 PM
The best thing you can do if you want to "spare" her, you could either lie about having a new girl you are dating or you can just keep ignoring the signs.

Well what triggers feelings like that is "familiarity". If someone is physically and mentally attractive and they are around alot, sooner or later a person will notice that. Especially if their "single". Why do you think most romances start from the circle of "friends". People are more comfortable with they know instead of what is "new" and unknown.
 Roni L
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 17
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Posted: 1/24/2010 4:32:30 PM
Just ask yourself if that what you want if so than make the move
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 18
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Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/24/2010 4:43:30 PM
I doubt this had anything to do as her acting as a quasi date for your business functions nor did you "do" anything to cause her to see you in a different light. Sometimes we fall in love with people that have been right under our noses all along and it may be that she just realized that she had some feelings that went beyond friendship. Because she cares about you, respects you, etc. a relationship with you would be a good thing and potentially worth risking the friendship over.

And here's the thing, a real friendship isn't going to break by your telling her that you don't want a relationship with her because of the distance and whatever in your lives would preclude either of you moving. Neither will the friendship be over if you have a relationship if you both behave like adults and recognize that as a couple you do not work.

If she were to not allow a readjustment into the friend relationship if you did try the romantic thing and it failed, then she probably isn't as much of a friend as you believe and I would rather know that than to hold someone in regard that is not really appropriate or accurate.

If you believe it is a mistake, you can tell her that you thought it best to book the hotel room. That is not mercenary, it doesn't spell things in huge black and white letters but it does tell her that you are not amenable to more than the friendship.
 deborah815
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 19
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Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/24/2010 4:54:03 PM
If you truly do not want to become intimate with your friend, then you are going to have to set the boundaries, firmly but gently. If she repeats the invitation to stay with her, then I suggest that you politely turn it down saying that you would be more comfortable at your hotel. And maybe you'll need to cut back on the social settings with her, it sounds like she's looking for "more" with you.
 whenwillthiswork26
Joined: 11/13/2008
Msg: 20
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Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/24/2010 6:32:06 PM
Here is what I don't understand.

You have been close friends for years, so don't you talk to her
about everything? Why not stay at her place as a friend?
Why not touch hands as a friend? Why not a good long hug as a
friend?

I've had very close male friends and we have held hands in the movies,
hug, talk about anything and everything, and when needed slept in
the same bed fully dressed and never touched at all.

I don't see why you are interpreting her actions as wanting more.
What you describe sounds like just close friends to me.

It sounds like a very cold friendship you have there.
 **~renegadeoutlaw~**
Joined: 4/23/2006
Msg: 21
Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/24/2010 6:43:16 PM
Yes, I have been in a situation where I was friends with someone and wanted more and was totally shot down. - and it hurt.

And yes, I was also in situations where I was friends with someone, he wanted more and I let him know I didn't want that and the friendship ended. - badly.

So either way, I think you will both hurt in the end.

- Be honest with her if it comes up and tell her you don't want anything more than friendship.

It's the only way.

- Yes, there will be some hurt feelings, but she'll get over it. - I did.
 tja_9
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 22
Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/24/2010 6:44:23 PM
Sometimes, it is a better thing to value the friendship more than a romantic relationship. Trust your gut and move with it - with no apology ;-)
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 23
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Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/24/2010 6:57:46 PM
Are you attracted to her...AT ALL?
 thistime05
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 24
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Posted: 1/24/2010 8:10:39 PM
Always take what you can get

If your single and you are hooking up with your friend....so what

And you've bypassed alot of the hardest parts of dating.....Getting to really know someone

Go for it, and don't hesitate
 das74
Joined: 1/21/2010
Msg: 25
Friends that want more..
Posted: 1/25/2010 12:16:18 AM
To the OP..
I have been in this position. Matter of fact I am still going through it. I have known my friend for over 21 years and he has been a dear friend of mine.
We have always maintained contact over the years give or tke a few years and suddenly over a trip he recently made home for thanksgiving he feels we are destined to be., I did nothing wrong, we went to lunch, he paid , we caught up. We went to a movie, with other friends, I paid, so it would not seem like a date. He tried to hold my hand during the movie, he tried to kiss me when I dropped him off at his sisters, I did nothing to indicate that I wanted nothing more.
He has written me letters, semnt me dvd's and is planning another trip down for valentines day ( His birthday) and I stated that I am having a hard time adjusting to his feelings and I think of him as a good good friend, I stated he was very handsome and he should not put his life on hold...
He still continues to ignore my wishes..
My point? Break it to her nicely and continue to present boundaries...and wish for the best
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