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 CommonSensible
Joined: 1/10/2010
Msg: 3
Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down SyndromePage 1 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
There are so many threads on here about dating single parents of either gender.

Dude, as a single father myself, who got them into adulthood withOUT killing them and starting over (just some humor folks).. I have to say.. I have a lot of empathy for you.

You are finding out how shallow they are right up front. Basically women (most women, not all) are so narcissistic they want to be your NUMBER ONE. Well too bad for them to pass up a great guy who SEEMS to have been abandoned by a MOTHER and left not only with a child, but a special one. They are too selfish and too self-centered to admire and respect your commitment and want SOME of it too.

Fascinating statement about womanhood, ya know?

I would say that your best bet in finding a TRUE nurturing and understanding woman would be at a support group for other parents with special needs kids. THEY will understand what's involved and since MOST TIMES the woman gets abandoned with a child, they will be climbing ALL over each other to connect with a wonderful guy like you.

While it will mean you'll BOTH have challenges to deal with, at least you'll be with a woman who understands.

Shame on the ones who dump you.. Kudos to you for stepping up. HUGE kudos.
 kenny1979
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 5
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Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/25/2010 8:42:04 PM
well I'm not a woman, but I applaud you for taking care of your daughter It takes alot of pateince and time away from a relationship, that maybe why it will be hard to find a woman that will accept you and the needs that yoour daughter has.....

Most women, I'm sure applaud you also for taking care of her, but they also realize that leaves little time for them, and sadly alot of woman (and some men), are too selfish, and that is why they won't date you.

But there are some very kind hearted souls out there also, that would admire you as a person for what you are doing, and would be glad to date you.....they are out there...Hope you find one..
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 7
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Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/26/2010 8:06:49 AM
It will take a woman with a kind heart and loving demeanor. She is out there. My Mom was a Special Ed teacher for 20 years, my siblings and I grew up with her kids visiting us and us volunteering in the classroom and for Special Olympics. I would accept a child like your daughter with open arms. Have you tried becoming involved in Special Olympics? There are women/families there that will be understanding and give you a great support system. Be patient, the woman lucky enough to capture you and your little one's heart is looking for you too.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 8
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Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/26/2010 9:25:58 AM
As a single parent I know if the woman I am dating has a special needs kid it can impact more then just the dating it can also impact my children's quality of life, the amount of free time or together time I could have with her as well as how much money she may have to do things with. I dated a women that had a son that was extremely hyper and we tried a beach date with the kids and he was just a pain for my kids to be around, it was not much fun for me too. This was the first time I had meet her son, but she had meet my kids a few times. Any way being the first try I gave it one more try with the same results; the kid brought the whole party down for me and my children. I told the women I liked her, but it was not fun for my kids to be around her son. I said we can date, but no more family dates; I had all ready told her I was not looking for long term any way. We never had a new date. I might have been willing to date this women more (date not marry) if I was not a single parent, but as a single parent I have to consider how it will effect my kids quality of life also. Will it have a positive effect, a negative effect or no real impact at all. I believe most of the time if you date a single parent with a special needs child it will have a negative effect on your kids if you do any type of family outings. May be some one that also had a special needs child might be more willing to deal with it. When I date I look for fit women that can do things that me and my kids like to do without slowing us down to much. I would want the kid(s) if any to have these same qualities. I date because it is fun, if it is not fun why do it.
 Liv luv laf
Joined: 8/19/2009
Msg: 9
Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/26/2010 10:11:45 AM
Here, Here! Great for you standing up for this guy. A woman worth being with would admire him not avoid him. Better to find out before breaking your heart. The challenge is looking for women who come from the ME generation. I know, there are men out there who are just as shallow. It just seems the responsible guys get overloooked for the Rico Suave's of the world.
 anonymouslyme
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 10
Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/26/2010 3:06:06 PM
Fedhill, I'm sorry you're experiencing this issue. I've known many people over the years who have special needs children, and unfortunately, it tends to be very limiting in many areas. I'm glad to see you getting some recognition and support for what you're doing. It can be hard enough as a single parent dealing with the day to day aspects of raising any child, so I'm sure all the additional things that come into play with a special needs child can be overwhelming.
It will require that you find a partner with an extraordinary amount of patience and understanding, just as it would if you were a single mother in the same position. The idea about getting involved in the special olympics or a similar organization is brilliant, simply because you are much more likely to find someone there who can truly relate and has genuine empathy for your situation. It's human nature really, that we don't really have a firm understanding of another's situation unless we ourselves have experienced it.

One thing that has bothered me in reading this thread are the disparaging remarks and apparent double standards being assigned to women who may not have interest in becoming involved in your situation. I have read hundreds of threads regarding single parents, particularly single mothers, who are being chastized and criticized for expecting someone else to get involved and help them raise other men's children. I would imagine that there are many women that feel the same way. I know I'm opening myself up for attack here, but I'll use myself as an example. I just had my 40th birthday, and you are in the age bracket that I would be looking in if I were single. I wouldn't have any interest though, because my youngest child just turned 19. I'm not interested in dating anyone with children as young as 9, regardless of special needs or not. It isn't because I'm selfish or narcissistic. No one that knows me would ever use those words to describe me. I spend much of my spare time working with victims of domestic violence, and raising money for our local homeless shelter. It's simply because I've already raised my family, and I'm ready to move into the next phase of my life.

My point is, you need to make sure the women you're trying to connect with are in a similar place in life as you are. That's why a group like special olympics or something similar would probably be the ideal place for you meet the best match for you. You'll not only be much more likely to find someone there who can truly relate to your situation, but your futures will likely be on similar paths as well.
 redrandy
Joined: 1/13/2010
Msg: 12
Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/26/2010 7:11:10 PM
As a dad with a special needs son, i have a very simple thought on this. My kids are the best part of who I am, if they do not accept them, then its better to learn early on than later.
 KarmicEvolution
Joined: 11/22/2008
Msg: 14
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Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/26/2010 8:35:55 PM
At least they're being honest with you and not dragging you along.

Being completely honest with you, I dont know if I could do it. Being friends I could do no problem, I have absolutely no problem with people with mental or physical disabilities, but to be even partially responsible is a big deal. I have been known to become easily frustrated, Im not always the most patient of people and I have to work my butt off to be patient and calm with my own non-disabled child. I wouldnt feel like I was being fair to either of you if I was to try and then realized I wasnt capable of putting the same or more effort into your child who may need that little extra effort.

Maybe just a little insight into the heads of these women. Im sure most people wont straight out say "I wont date you because of your daughter" or if they do Im sure they dont get into detail.

I hope you find someone with that little extra to give :)
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 16
Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/27/2010 8:08:00 AM
I would date a man with a down syndrome child.
Those kids are the precious little angels of our world.
If i loved a man, i would love his special needs child as well, and do my best to help him out in taking care of the child.
 KarmicEvolution
Joined: 11/22/2008
Msg: 18
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Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/27/2010 8:36:18 AM

I've always been in to helping out with special needs children and adults, so I don't think a real woman would have a problem with it. Mind you, the blonde bikini babe with her nails all done and what not might reject the idea, but good women won't.


I resent that. Im both a real and good woman. My concern would be for the child and my ability to be a good role model and fair to them.
 Annielikeslyrics
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 19
Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/27/2010 12:00:02 PM
I've been thinking about this thread since yesterday...

I think I might flesh out something on your profile...about raising your daughter on your own, what she is like, and how you manage to get out and date (ie you hire a sitter, or you have helpful parents, or your daughter's mother has her part time - you get the picture). I think a casual mention that she has downs can go here, no big deal, just that she does.

You are going to find that many women with older children don't want to date you because she is younger and she is going to stay developmentally "younger" for some time even if she is high functioning. As someone above said, she has raised her family and doesn't want to start over. I went out with someone last year who had custody of two younger children and he mentioned to me that a lot of the women he contacted in our age range did not want to get involved with him because they didn't want to raise another family or start over. So I think you are going to see a lot of that.

But, you really only need to find one great fish, not a school of fish. So keep fishin.

Annie
 imalitltpot
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 20
Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/27/2010 2:35:16 PM
I would have no problem dating a man with a child with special-needs. ESPECIALLY Down Syndrome -- what delightful individuals!

Get your daughter involved in Special Olympics and other activities in which you will be around other parents of kids with disabilities. You'll probably meet lots of caring single moms -- and volunteers!
 missme2much
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 21
Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/28/2010 5:14:45 PM
I would be tickled pink. My youngest two (boys) are special needs children, one with broad spectrum autism disorder, PDD, and verbal dyspraxia and the other with Down syndrome. After I had my youngest, I began the adoption process to adopt a little girl with Downs. I had to put it on hold temporarily due to some health issues that came up, but still plan to adopt sometime in the future. Children with Downs are simply blessings (as all kids are). I have never met a child more loving, or more joyous than my son with Downs. I can not imagine a life without him.

What I do, is I bring it up early in the conversations (emails). I let them know that I won't think less of them if they do not choose to continue "getting to know" me. I would think higher of them if they came clean from the start and said it was too much for them, than I would if they waited and told me later, after things became more serious. If things come to a screeching hault when they find out, count your blessings that it happened sooner than later. Be up front with them from the beginning.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 22
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Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/29/2010 5:15:44 AM
"Children with Downs are simply blessings (as all kids are). "

Down syndrome is a chromosomal disorder caused by an error in cell division that results in an extra 21st chromosome. The condition leads to impairments in both cognitive ability and physical growth that range from mild to moderate developmental disabilities.

"A blessing..…to pronounce a wish of happiness onto someone, or to set apart for holy purposes, to praise or glorify God or the Lord Jesus Christ, to speak God’s goodness to one another. "

I would not agree with you. I do not believe a chromosomal disorder is a good thing. Knowing there is no god or gods, I all so understand there is no such thing as a blessing any ways. What people call a blessing never fails to make me go WTF. There are test for this now. Calling it a blessing not only is not true, but it may discourage some from getting or having the test done and taking the higher road. Any women over 30 should consider having the test done, all women over 40 should have the test done. This would be a man made improvement, all most like a blessing, but it would be a real thing.
 missme2much
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 23
Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/29/2010 9:13:43 AM
"Down syndrome is a chromosomal disorder caused by an error in cell division that results in an extra 21st chromosome. The condition leads to impairments in both cognitive ability and physical growth that range from mild to moderate developmental disabilities. "

I have a son with Downs, I know what it is. It is not his fault he has the abnormalities, he is still human, he is still lovable, and from the way you sound he is, and always will be, a better person than you are. He shows no hate- only acceptance, only love and kindness. After reading your posts in this thread, I see you show none of those qualities.

"I would not agree with you. " Opinions are like as* holes, everyone has at least one. Your entitle to your opinion.

"There are test for this now."

freetime2bme, just because you have an issue with disabilities, does not mean we all do. No, I would not deliberately wish a disability of any type on anyone, however, disabilities happen. When they do, I prefer to accept the person who is disabled- whether they be my child, a neighbor, a spouse, whoever they may be. And yes, my son is a blessing. I almost miscarried when I was pregnant, but he held on. The testing that the doctors did in the first 5 months showed no signs of Downs, or any other abnormality (even if they would have, it would have made no difference on how I feel about my son). It wasn't until an ultrasound was done in the fifth month that an abnormality was found- and even then, it wasn't something that said my son would definately have Downs (just 1/3 chance of it). Because of issues caused by what the doctors found, an amnio was out of the question- because the risk of it causing preterm labor was too high, and they already had verified that my son would need surgery at 1 day old. If he was that premature, chances he would make it were slim. By the 34th week, other signs were showing on the ultrasound, and then the doctors told me to plan on him having Downs. He was taken a month early, and then the doctors verified the Downs. Tests are never 100% accurate. And even when they are, some people are able to accept the facts, and choose to keep their babies, loving them regardless. You could learn a lot from a child with Downs.

Please do not spew your hatred and disregard for life to me. I understand that not everyone is able to cope/deal with disabled children. Not everyone is able to accept. I choose to avoid people like that.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 24
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Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/29/2010 9:37:22 AM
"Please do not spew your hatred and disregard for life to me. "

I was not! What I was doing was pointing what is not a blessing and you seem to have that opinion now too. " would not deliberately wish a disability of any type on anyone"
It is not a blessing. Testing for down syndrome should be done more then it is. Diagnostic tests are about 99% accurate in detecting Down syndrome and other chromosomal abnormalities. It might not have been right for you, but it is an option for other people out there. You say every one is entitled to there opinion. Your the one that seems like they are filled with hate to me. May be being around a child with down syndrome is not as magical as you make it out to be. You might be anti abortion with your "disregard for life " messages, but remember what you said "Your entitle to your opinion" and in cases like this I see abortion as the high road. You did not learn a lot from a child with Downs. After reading your posts in this thread, I see none of those qualities you say you would get. What I see is someone in a lot of pain. For that I am sorry and I don't want to add to it, but I don't want to see others go through it also. Why I recomend the test and why I made my post. The truth can be painful, but it is still the truth.
 Sleeplessintheburgh
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 25
Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/29/2010 3:06:23 PM
Whoa! Freetime-dude----you are one messed up, cynical MF'er.

And you people actually play this game with him???? Stop responding and put him out of societies misery.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 28
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Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/30/2010 5:34:43 AM
"who have never walked in someone's shoes"

You see how closed minded you are. There are people out there that picked just the way I would have. Some of them are here on POF. Some might be reading these posts. I.E. there are women out there that had the test done and determined that an abortion was the right choice. Because the fetus likely had birth defects. In my opinion I believe they made the best choice. Do you think they were bad or did not make the best choice? I understand these things never work out the same way and people have to do risk benefit analysis also. I am not saying the other poster made a bad choice, in her case it might have been the right choice. It was her choice. What I am saying is I think all the people that had the test done an elected for the abortion option picked the way I would if I were in their shoes and I will say I think it is the best pick. The 99% correct results does not mean 1% did not have the problem because false negative results are the biggest part of that 1%. Your might " become a drug addict" Please! Talk about mouthing off. Most people will agree with me on this. Most people are Pro-Choice. Others are not and that is there right, but I do not have to agree with them. There are other shoes out there.
 KarmicEvolution
Joined: 11/22/2008
Msg: 29
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Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/30/2010 6:26:16 AM

I don't know about many others, but talk about an ethical question. They test and tell you you have a baby that MAY develop autism.. oops, get rid of that one.
They test you and tell you that you have a baby in you that MAY become a drug addict. Ooops get rid of that one. They test you and tell you that you have a baby in you that may grow up to be just like Free to be me.. Ooops, get rid of that one.


Isnt the point of scientific and medical advancement to help rid the world of disease? Its not about saying "I dont want the different one" its about not bringing a child into the world that might suffer. (Im not saying downs children suffer btw... try to keep an open mind here) Everyone says they would rid the world of AIDS and Cancer etc... but a world without MS, downs syndrome, birth defects, genetic defects etc... wouldnt that be great too?

I am pro-choice unless abortion is being used for birth control. I would rather think my child is in heaven with God (or your own spiritual or religious view) then here in pain and having a poor quality of life. That being said, I cant honestly say what I would do in the situation, I know what I think I would do.

I am not callous. I have spent lots of time with people with mental diseases, genetic diseases, physical impairments and I dont think they are any lesser people then those of us without disease or impairment. Im just not sure I could devote myself full-time to someone elses child with special needs. At least Im honest about it.
 missme2much
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 31
Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/30/2010 10:45:23 AM
My heart aches for my two youngest with disabilities. Mostly because they may have to come in contact with people who are unaccepting of those with disabilities. Someone who is disabled is still human, and still deserves the same love and respect that everyone else is entitled to. Rid the world of Down Syndrome? It's a defect in the chromosones not a disease. We are talking about a human being, we aren't talking about selective breeding within animals or weeding out crabgrass. Just because a child is disabled, it doesn't mean they are suffering or in pain. I do think that the ignorance they encounter, the lack of acceptance and disregard for their lives is perhaps the most painful thing they encounter. MAybe, rather than rid the world of disabilities, we should focus on ridding it of ignorance. Disabilty does not mean they don't deserve to live.

When I look at my children, I see them as perfect. Perfect how god formed them. While they may have their delays, while they may have their quirks, so do a lot of others who aren't disabled/special needs. I still make sure they have a great (quality of) life.. They play and laugh just like other children, they love and are loved back, They eat, sleep, and sing just like other kids.

There is only a few other times my heart has ached so badly for my kids. Once when a close family member called them fu**ing retards, once when my youngest sons father said that a miscarriage would have been the best thing that could have happened, and once when my other childrens father said I should give my youngest up for adoption because if he had Downs, it would screw up the lives of my other children. Having my youngest two have actually helped my children. It has taught them to love and accept, and to see beyond labels and disabilities. How can we teach our children love and acceptance, when we can not practice the same.

To BeFree, I am not in pain because I have disabled children. I am in pain because I know there are hateful and unaccepting people like you out there. I fear they will someday have to hear the opinions of you and those who share your beliefs, and that is what is causing me pain. As a parent, I want to protect my children from such. As a realist, I know I can not protect them from it 100%. And that hurts deeply.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 32
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Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/30/2010 11:35:27 AM
You are un excepting of my view and ideas on abortion. I am not un excepting of people with disabilities. My statement that I think elective abortions are the best choice when chromosomal abnormalities like downs are found does not mean I do not except people with disabilities. Your logic is off. Your not excepting of people who elect to end a pregnancy or at least that is what your post sound like to me. I will never think it is a good idea to take a pregnancy that is likely to result in a child with a sever disability to birth is a good idea. People with my view are not hateful or bad or the other names being used here. It might not be the choise some whould make but it is a choise many will. It is a protected choice under the law and I think it is the best one. You made a choice, other can make a different one. You might not want to see the world rid of downs, but I would, but I would not force that choice on any one.
 missme2much
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 33
Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/30/2010 6:33:39 PM
Freetime, you said...."Will it have a positive effect, a negative effect or no real impact at all. I believe most of the time if you date a single parent with a special needs child it will have a negative effect on your kids if you do any type of family outings. May be some one that also had a special needs child might be more willing to deal with it. When I date I look for fit women that can do things that me and my kids like to do without slowing us down to much. I would want the kid(s) if any to have these same qualities. I date because it is fun, if it is not fun why do it."

Sounds unaccepting to me.
 iwonder06
Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 34
Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/30/2010 8:29:00 PM
I have 2 speacial needs boys and have it out front that i have them full time as well . Dont hide them and be upfront about them in the first discusions and before even meeting . As alot of people have said some females cannot handle kids let alone someone with speacial kids . My ex has walked away from her kids last year because she said they interfered in her social life and she couldnt go out when she had them for her week so I gladly offered to take them full time .
Yes it does put a crimp in the dating life but the females also have to remember just like normal kids they might not be around forever as there is housing out there for these kids as well. Wait for the one that is right for you and hang in there .
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 35
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Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/31/2010 5:32:29 AM
"Sounds unaccepting to me. "

There are lots of people I would not date. That is a individual choice. I make it on what I think is best for me and I consider how it will impact my kids also. Most good parents do this. Some parents do not. Because I would not date someone because of things I do not like about them or how their kids may impact the relationship, does not mean they are not welcome to be at the same beaches I go to. WOW to you see the logic problem here; dating and accepting are to different things. And I stand by the negative effects special need kids can bring to relationships and how that would also effect ones own children. There is no way a special needs child would not impact the kind of activities me and my children do. Most could not do them. You sound unaccepting of reality, if you think other wise.
 kett47
Joined: 1/10/2010
Msg: 37
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Single Dad w/Special Needs Child - Down Syndrome
Posted: 1/31/2010 9:57:10 AM
Hi im a single mum of a 3 yr old girl, And being 45 when i had her i was offered allsorts of tests but the way i look at it, she didnt ask to be concived so why should she not be given the chance. i had made up my mind if i had the tests they were offering, it would not made a differance she would still be loved by myself and her 2 big brothers.... So i didnt have the tests and took the cards that were delt to me ,,,,, And i think you should be up fromt with anyone you meet,, Your daughter is a gift..If you are up front and honest from the start i cant see any woman that is falling in love with you falling in love with your daughter in the end ,,, GOOD LUCK AND REMEMBER BE UP FRONT IF THE LADY DONT LIKE WHAT YOUR TELLING HER WELL SHE AINT THE RIGHT ONE FOR YOU OR YOUR CHILDREN XXXXX
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