Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > I burned my bridges with a narcissist      Home login  
Joined: 10/10/2008
Msg: 1
I burned my bridges with a narcissistPage 1 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
I was platonic friends with C for about 6 months before I realized that she is narcissistic. We used to have lunches between her classes and hang out at bars a couple nights a week, but I knew almost from the get-go that she wasn't LTR material, because I don't sleep with drug addicts. (I donate blood to the Red Cross, and one of their criteria is that donors can't have sex with cocaine users). Anyway, our relationship seemed kind of empty, but it took me a while to realize why. I felt relaxed around her, and enjoyed getting to know her, but something was missing. Half a year rolled by, and then one day we were talking and something about her tone of voice really turned me on. I was shocked, because it's rare that girls turn me on by their voices. Later that night, I was surfing the web online, and I came across a website that mentioned Psychic Vampires, and it sounded just like her. (I think the words "psychic vampire" and "narcissist" are interchangeable, BTW.) They both drain your emotional energy and they are both incapable of feeling empathy. Cocaine can turn people into narcissists, and so can receiving too much or too little attention as a child. I don't blame C for being a narcissist, but I had to get myself out of her grasp, so I sent her an e-mail telling her that I didn't want to be friends with her anymore, because of her drug use and her lying. I think that sometimes I have to burn my bridges in order to save myself from being sucked into negative situations. I wish I could say that I never looked back after I sent C that e-mail, but honestly, I've been plagued with thoughts that maybe I missed an opportunity there. I mean, I am a guy, and it has been a while since I got laid... LOL! But, I know I did the right thing. Anyway, I ran into her a couple weeks after the e-mail, and I apologized for sending it to her. That's how weak I am at times, I actually wanted to be friends with her again, even though I know she's a narcissist. All she had to say when I apologized was, "it happens" and she offered me a hug. But, I know that's it. Our friendship or whatever it was is through. I feel bad, because I miss having someone to spend my time with, but on the other hand, our time together was strangely unsatisfying anyway. Anyway, I think I burned that bridge for a reason, and I'm glad that things happened like they did. If I hadn't sent C that e-mail, I might have been sucked into a sexual relationship with her just like all her other male friends seem to be. This is the first time a girl tried to seduce me and I refused to go along with it. It only happened to me two other times, and I went along with both those girls, because I was desperate to get laid. This time around, my head told me to not sleep with her when I first met her, then my gut told me to weed her out of my life half a year later, and now my heart is having trouble letting her go. Two against one... I think I made the right choice. What about you? What do you think?
Joined: 7/29/2009
Msg: 2
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/26/2010 1:54:34 AM
It's very likly this girl has a STD being with many guy friends she has no problem just screwing around with and selling herself for drugs and even sharing needles. If your so hard up for sex go to Europe it will much safer for you than going after any damaged girl that will want to have sex with you just because she needs validation that she can or because she wants you to get her stuff and use you to get you to do whatever she wants. If you have more standards and confidence in yourself when you meet new girls you find that you will get much more attention from better girls.
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 3
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/26/2010 4:21:53 AM
You can't burn your bridge with a narcissists.

When they say its over then its over. You are only supply.

She kind of blew you off because she sees you are lousy supply to her. She has no need for you.

Take it as a compliment and run As far away from her.

You are not and never were her friend if she is a true narcissists.

She could just be expressing traits of narcissism and that alone should make you run in the other direction.

Kiss the ground she has released you from her lies and manipulation and have a good life.
Joined: 10/10/2008
Msg: 4
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/26/2010 8:15:33 AM
Thanks for the input guys. Some good points were raised. To clear up some confusion:
1) I didn't know what narcissists were until the night I was surfing the web and sent her that e-mail. I had heard the word narcissist, but just thought they were really big on themselves... I didn't know they lacked empathy.
2) I do things with other people to gather stories and have new life experiences. "Life is for the living so live it", is my motto. I gathered some good stories and had some interesting experiences while hanging out with C, so I don't regret a thing. More importantly, I won't ever have any trouble recognizing the "face" of a narcissist now that I've seen it to the extent that I have with C. Life is all about relationships, and as long as two people are alive, their relationship has potential to grow or change.
3) There seemed to be some confusion in at least one response that I read... I never had sex with her, and although I thought about it (who wouldn't, she's attractive!), I have enough self control to use use my head.
4) It's possible that I have borderline personality disorder, but I'm not sure either way. I do have bipolar condition, and a few months ago I read about borderline personality disorder on Wikipedia to see what it was like (I was curious because a friend of mine has it I think), and I had some of the traits. Someone made a comment that people with borderline personality disorder can get along with narcissists for a while. That's kind of interesting.
5) Thanks again for all your comments :)
Joined: 4/2/2007
Msg: 5
view profile
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/26/2010 8:22:27 AM
You did the right thing!
I spent 5 years with a gal that had BPD (not the same PD but many of the same tendencies). I escaped with my life but just barely.
Joined: 10/14/2009
Msg: 6
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/26/2010 8:32:13 AM
OP...if she really was/is a "narcissist" it's doubtful that you "burned your bridges" as there were proibaly no "bridges" to burn.
Narcissism is a excessive love of ones self.
It's unlikely that you were even a factor in her equations.
Joined: 10/10/2008
Msg: 7
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/26/2010 10:32:39 AM
Sorry about not breaking my post up into paragraphs. For some reason I thought that this message board condensed postings into one paragraph. I think that I've only used the message board on Plenty of Fish a couple of times, and that was a year ago I think. This message board seems pretty cool :) There were a lot of really supportive comments in my thread, and a couple of the posts really made me think, which is good. I'll be sure to use paragraphs from here on out :)
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 8
view profile
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/26/2010 1:40:22 PM
I think two things: one, you were probably right not to sleep with her, especially if she sleeps around that much. Two: you are making way too much out of the coincidence of the article, her drug use, narcissism, and all that.
Praising yourself occasionally is a fine and normal thing to do, and learning when and when not to respond to the urges of the fellow down below is a good thing too, but don't get too carried away. You can mess up a lesson learned by trying to go too far with it. She MAY be an "emotional vampire," but she may just be a relatively normal young woman who likes sex and doesn't want to settle down, and who happens to use cocaine occasionally. Not a great catch, perhaps, but no need to label her a narcissistic personality, especially before you get your PHD in psychoanalysis.
Joined: 10/10/2008
Msg: 9
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/26/2010 10:00:12 PM
Igor, I see what you mean, but there's no doubt in my mind that she is a narcissist. Oh, and I forgot to mention that she's bulimic, too. Also, she wasn't just a casual coke user - she got high every weekend and sometimes in between. (Often I could tell she got coked up the night before we hung out, because she acted weird and sniffed her nose constantly... once she even got a nose bleed). Her catch phrase was, " (insert name of business acquaintance) loves me! They all love me there." She had some good qualities, though. Like she was very intelligent, and a talented photographer.
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 10
view profile
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/27/2010 7:27:28 AM
I was off and on for the better part of 5 years with a narcissistic woman. I was warned by others who knew her better. I'm still paying for it.
Consider yourself lucky that you wised up so quickly. As my Dad used to say;"Know when to get your hat".
Joined: 10/10/2008
Msg: 11
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/28/2010 6:28:26 PM
Some narcissists are criminals, some aren't. I know more about C than you do, so I think I'm more qualified to say whether she has narcissistic characteristics, than you. Thanks for the feedback, though :)
Joined: 8/5/2009
Msg: 12
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/28/2010 6:43:05 PM
Bulimia & cocaine binges point towards the possibility of borderline personality disorder. Narcissism is a key trait of BPD too. You come across as very reasonable, very understanding, very rational, and very adult -- all of those qualities are bait for borderlines. They're looking for a parent, and you seem to exhibit those qualities. Regardless of whatever label anyone pastes on her problems, I agree with the folks who say you did the right thing.
Joined: 10/10/2008
Msg: 13
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/28/2010 7:39:19 PM
haha. No, I never had romantic feelings for her. I had friendship feelings, but that's it. In general, I have trouble letting go of people, though. It's easier to let her go now that I've heard everyone's feedback. I was out on Tuesday night at a bar (where we used to get tacos on Tuesdays), and I ran into one of her guy friends outside of the bar. He said that he had just left the bar and he said C had just left too. He pointed up the street, and sure enough, there she was walking away. She knows I work until around 9pm, and now that we aren't friends anymore, she's been leaving the bar before I get off of work. When I saw her walking up the street, I thought about this thread, and I just walked into the bar and thanked goodness that she had already left :)
Joined: 10/10/2008
Msg: 14
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/29/2010 2:48:36 AM
I can see why you might be upset by the info in this thread, since it sounds like you had a traumatic experience with your narcissist. FYI - here are some criteria for NPD that I got from Wikipedia...

Hotchkiss[11] identified what she called the seven deadly sins of narcissism:

1. Shamelessness - Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways.

Hmm... that would explain her bulimia, and drug/alcohol use, and OCD methinks.

2. Magical thinking - Narcissists see themselves as perfect using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to dump shame onto others.

If I heard it once I heard it a hundred times... C always told me how much people she knew loved her. Everyone from ex-teachers, to clients of the lawyer she works for, to ex-customers from a camera store she worked at. Sounds a bit magical to me. Also, I never in a million years thought about puking after I ate, until after I started hanging out with her and hearing her talk about puking all the time. Pathetic.

3. Arrogance - If a narcissist is feeling deflated, s/he can reinflate him/herself by diminishing, debasing or degrading somebody else.

Hmm... I don't think I noticed her acting arrogantly before. At least not to me.

4. Envy - If the narcissist's need to secure a sense of superiority meets an obstacle because of somebody else, s/he neutralises it using contempt to minimise the other person's ability

She was openly envious about her sister, because her parents loved her more than C. This is one of the key reasons I think she's a narcissist... I read on the wiki page that people who suffer emotional abuse as children may develop into narcissists. C's parents withheld their love for her, and gave it all to her sister. Her dad is OCD, and she told me crazy stories of how authoritarian he was about keeping their house clean. She started going to bars and being served when she was 15. And, she's been a wedding photographer since high school. These kind of marked achievements are often signs of narcissism.

5. Entitlement - Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves uniquely special. Any failure to comply will be considered an attack on their superiority and the perpetrator is considered to be an "awkward" or "difficult" person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage.

Never saw her have a narcissistic rage. When she got angry with people in her life, she just stopped talking to them or returning their calls, and when she did that she had an attitude of, "why doesn't he stop calling me? What the hell?".

6. Exploitation - can take many forms but always involves the using of others without regards for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed.

The last time we hung out before I sent C that e-mail, we drove to her favorite computer store. I had worked the overnight shift the night before that, and she promised to be ready to go at 8am since I told her I couldn't be up for long. She wasn't ready to go until about 9:45am... LOL. After we got to the store, I bought what I needed, and then she proceeded to "shop" (which was her OCD way of walking down certain isles that she liked and looking at everything on the shelves), and we didn't leave the store until about 12:00pm. I told her how tired I was and yet, she manipulated me into stopping at Taco Bell where she proceeded to eat 2 tacos that she said she wasn't even hungry for. WTF? She showed zero empathy to me that day, or any day. That's just one example...

7. Bad Boundaries - narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist will be treated as if they are part of the narcissist and be expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist, there is no boundary between self and other.

She was a constant texter, and usually was having text conversations with other people while we were hanging out. She once said, "I have to keep my guys on short leashes...". IMO, that's a sign of having boundary issues.

Anyway, if you still don't want to take my word for it that she's a narcissist, then that's your perogative, but I don't get why you would read a thread like this that is obviously opening up a can of worms for you. It's not that I mind your comments, it's just that I don't get it. Anyway, I hope you feel better soon.
Joined: 1/6/2010
Msg: 15
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/29/2010 2:54:47 AM
Narcissism is probably one of the most difficult, scarey diagnosed illnesses ever. I was married to one for 10 years. Then stayed single and met ANOTHER ONE (off here) and let me tell you, it is NASTY. It is one thing to be self aware, happy with oneself and like yourself; which I do. I work hard, I take care of myself. However the role of a Narcissist runs deeper than that!! They lie, and I mean about anything. They will tell you they are all Wallmart when in fact they are at the Gas Station. Stupid shit like that. Shit they do not even NEED to lie about. Then it gets worse. They LIVE in lies, and manage to make the partner feel "guilty" or bad about themselves. For me it was weird because I never felt bad or guilty during my marriage; I just thought I married an asshole. LMFAO ... when it hit me was the jerk I met off here. Mind you I kicked his ass to the curb once I realized he was one; what it did do was make ME wonder, why am I attracting that type of person. My Abnormal Psych professor who I do trust 110% told me that Narcissists are drawn to strong people. Because overall, they need people to take care of them. they use. They lie. they cheat. They steal. Worst of all the **** with emotions. Drugs will ruing anyone personally. Addicts are addicts. The only good Narcissist is a dead one. IMO.
Joined: 10/10/2008
Msg: 16
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/29/2010 11:15:09 AM
I do see what you mean, but on the other hand, if you see something that looks like sh*t, and it smells like sh*t, and it feels like sh*t, then it probably is sh*t. The word narcissist is in the dictionary, and it means "having an excessive love of oneself". Going by that definition, she is a narcissist. Then going through the check-list, she is a narcissist, too. Also, I have a lot more experience being around C then any trained professional has (or probably will ever have since she hates going to doctors), and I have seen her lying about everything (even stupid sh*t where there was no reason to lie about it... like the the woman who just posted about her husband). Granted, I don't have a PHD, so you can use that as "proof" that I'm wrong, but I have common sense, and I use it. I also have strong morals, and I stuck to my guns the whole time I knew her and never tried to hook up with her, even though I got a lot of signals from her that she wanted to. Also, a lot of you are saying that she is probably "just" a drug addict. Newsflash: an effect of cocaine is that it causes grandiosity, which is basically a form of narcissism! I just consider myself lucky that I'm not involved with anymore of C's craziness. A word of advice to anyone who discovers they are involved with a narcissist... burn your bridges like I did. Just be careful about how you do it, because some NPD's will fly into a narcissistic rage if you say something that makes them feel small. If they are violent people, then be extremely careful. Just something to think about.
Joined: 10/10/2008
Msg: 17
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/29/2010 2:28:48 PM
I think SCD is projecting. I'm not obsessed with anything except for Myers Briggs personality types. Thanks for the input though :) -Daniel
Joined: 10/10/2008
Msg: 18
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/29/2010 6:00:48 PM
That's interesting! I'm an INTJ, too :) Try googling INTJ and check out all the bios on the subject, the bios for the different types are cool! Also, check out Socionics and read about the different relationship types, they are fascinating! Your best matches are INTJ, ESFJ, ENFP, ENTP, and ISFP. C was an ISFP, by the way.
Joined: 10/10/2008
Msg: 19
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/29/2010 9:47:48 PM
Your welcome, Delaweeza :) I've gotten to the point where I can guess certain types just by looking at them, and I'm usually dead-on. The easiest types to spot: ENFP girls (they dress with unique styles...), INFP girls (they often dress with elegant styles), ESFJ girls (are very girly girly), INTJ guys and girls (look like nerds), ESFP guys and girls (often wear eye catching clothing and jewelry). Anyway, C was an ISFP, and she was the first girl who I ever guessed was an ISFP. Since I knew her, I haven't met any other girls who I guessed were ISFP's, so I can't really compare her appearance to other ISFP's. I did read on Socionics's website that ISFP's faces often have a rounded appearance, and that was definitely the case with C. She wasn't fat, but her face and cheeks were very round and soft looking. One name for ISFP's is "The Gentle Artist", which fit C very well. Not all narcissists are violent... LOL! Okay, i'm going to put a devil here javascript:smilie('') just for the heck of it... LOL! Thanks for the comment! -Daniel
Joined: 10/10/2008
Msg: 20
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/29/2010 10:24:20 PM
Actually, here's the thing about ISFP and INTJ relationships. (this is all from Socionics). Their relationship type is called Activity Partner, because couples like this activate each other into doing things. Of all the different types of relationships, Activity Partner relationships are some of the quickest and easiest to form. Oddly enough, I always felt perfectly relaxed when I was hanging out with C (which some of you may find hard to believe since she was a narcissist), which is one of the main reasons I liked spending time with her. The main drawback in Activity Partner relationships is that the two partners have to spend extra energy interpreting each other's words, because their minds work completely differently. ISFP's are the most outgoing of all the introverts, which I think is kind of a cool distinction for them. I'd really like to meet more ISFP girls, just so that I can see what it would be like to hang out with a non-narcissistic ISFP :) -Daniel
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 21
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/30/2010 5:24:32 AM
I was wondering why does it really matter what ya call her actions or her personality???? Hopefully you figured out she was someone you didn't want to hang because of her actions,,,not just because you think you correctly catergorized her.
Joined: 10/10/2008
Msg: 22
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/31/2010 8:39:02 PM
Cowboy, having been a barfly with a lot of musician friends since my early 20's, I've seen what you are talking about. She isn't one of those Doctor Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde alcoholics, though. She acts the same when she's sober as when she's drunk.

Some people (like you) don't like labeling people out of principle, but I see nothing wrong with it if the labels are accurate. I've already described her behavior and why I think she's a narcissist. To me, all that matters is that I learned some important life lessons from my experiences with her, and I can mentally pat myself on the back for having ended a bad relationship. I've read a lot of things on these forums about people who were married and in bad relationships for 10 years, which just makes me think, "but for the grace of god go I...".

One of my biggest values is peace of mind. As a bipolar artist, I have more than enough general anxiety of my own without having other peoples shit to deal with. But, at the same time, I'm an INTJ (Myers Briggs type), and I really do enjoy trying to figure people out. There was no real harm done in my relationship with her - I never tried to change her and I didn't pick up any bad habits from her. All in all, it was a good experience.

Here's a question for those of you who have had a narcissist in your life:

Did you ever win an argument with your narcissist? I'm just curious. I had a few arguments with C, and I never got her to admit that she was wrong. She never apologized for anything either, and I mean anything. I expect that most narcissists are like that.
Any of your thoughts on this would be helpful :)

Joined: 10/10/2008
Msg: 23
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/2/2010 6:54:45 AM
The difference between physical illnesses and mental illnesses is that there is no way to prove ANY kind of mental illness 100% accurately. Misdiagnoses are the norm in the mental health industry. A lot of you are offended that I used the word "narcissist", but (IMO) you are nit-picking. If you really don't want me to use the word "narcissist", then that's fine by me. I could use the word "jerk", but it's a lot more vague than narcissist, and she's not a jerk to everbody all the time, so I wouldn't want to call her a jerk. But, the fact that she has no empathy for anybody and lies constantly and thinks she's the Queen of Shiba, makes it a no-brainer to me that she's a narcissist. You may not feel comfortable with me giving her that label, but I'm going to stick by my guns until someone gives me a reason to think otherwise. Right now nobody has given me that reason. All I'm hearing right now, is that I am wrong to label her a narcissist, and that she's probably just a drug user. You guys are missing the point. If someone punches you in the face, do you have to go to a doctor before you can be sure that your attacker was violent? This is the same thing. If she acts like a narcissist, then she's a narcissist. If you read this entire thread, then all the facts are here. I already described her narcissistic behavior, and explained myself as clearly as I could. There's no need to nit-pick about labels.

Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 24
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/2/2010 7:56:19 AM

I've been plagued with thoughts that maybe I missed an opportunity there. I mean, I am a guy, and it has been a while since I got laid.

Actually, you are delusional. If you had a chance once, you lost it. She placed you in the friends category and that is all that you would ever be. So if you want to get laid, look elsewhere. And stop being so weak.
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 25
view profile
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/2/2010 8:40:46 AM
cowboy, I said it in the other Narc thread, and I will say it again. Most Narcs are undiagnosed. Why would they see a shrink? They are perfect. Nothing wrong with them, everyone else has the problem. How could there be a proper count of this, if they dont seek help? Only the few that are forced to, actually get counted.

My experience with a Narc lasted for over 5 years. I didnt diagnose him, my therapist did. He hit 8 of the 9 criteria, when he only needed 5. There are varying degrees of Narcissism. He had the neglected childhood.
My narc was in jail 7 different times. He hid that from me. When I learned of it, he lied and said he told me. I would have remembered drug dealing, assault, theft, perjury charges. He spent 5 years trying to make me perfect. On a daily basis, I got lectures, what I needed to do, to be perfect. Never mind he was a con artist, overweight--almost obese, even, lying, cheating, stealing. Any small thing about me that he didnt like, I was ridiculed. When we went out, I had to be dressed to the nines. I was, after all, with HIM. I tried for 3 years to get him out of my life. He couldnt stand the fact that someone rejected him. I was as close to perfect as he had found in over 30 years of searching. Good job, good income, respectable, personable, giving, caring, compassionate, height and weight proportionate. And I was malleable. Easily hurt, lonely, naive, and falling for the lies, hook, line and sinker. I always argued fairly. Even though he would yell, I never would. Until about 2 years in. Then I started telling him, what was wrong with him. Trying to get away from him, but he kept coming back, wearing me down. Finally, 3 years ago, I let him know I had a gun, and security cameras set up. Told him to stay away from me. He has stayed away. But that doesnt stop him from sending other people to my house, emailing, changing his email address, when I block him. Calling me from odd phones---phone booths. sending me mail. Coming through where I work, talking to coworkers. I suspect he has been in my home when I was working, books I didnt buy are on the shelf, emails I havent read have been opened. Even though he is living with a woman.

3 years, I havent seen him. But he still intrudes into my life. I hear or get something at least monthly. Most I cant prove where it came from. Wouldnt I look stupid taking him to court when he just called to wish me a happy birthday or valentines day? Or to ask if I needed anything?

So, you see, Cowboy. Some of us do know what were talking about. These threads can be therapeutic. Your condescending attitude isnt helping anyone.
With all of your posts about this, on this thread, and the other, why does the subject of Narcissism bother you so much?
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > I burned my bridges with a narcissist