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 kissmyasthma
Joined: 12/4/2009
Msg: 1
Dead Beat Dads????Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Two people meet in a club, have a couple of drinks and start to really hit it off.
Couple of dates later they end up having sex, screw like monkeys for a week or two then something seems to fade and they do not end up having a relationship.

She gets pregnant. Reason not important, it just happens. He bolts becuase he doesn't wish to be father. She keeps child.

He will labeled a dead beat while she will be annointed sainthood for keeping said child. Why?
When either of them went into the club was either really thinking to themselves, Boy I sure hope I meet someone to have a baby with!!!"??????

Why is it that she holds a higher standard than he does. Or is that really the case? Are both somehow looked down upon still in this day and age?

What factors if any would change any ones opinion on how they are labeled?
 KarmicEvolution
Joined: 11/22/2008
Msg: 2
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Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/27/2010 6:24:10 PM
People will call her a slut, a tramp, a drain on society. Say she tried to trap him or just wanted his money. Since she will have the child people will always ask about the father. Since he wont have the child, unless people know the mother he can walk away from the stigma.

Now a man who steps up to be a single father never seems to get the same stigma as a single mom does. They are looked at as heros for stepping up and doing what they are supposed to do.

No matter what the reason, single parents (all parents) work their asses off and deserve some respect.
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 3
Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/27/2010 6:38:32 PM
She won't be annointed sainthood...by many she will be criticized for her decision to keep and raise the child as a single parent. Surely you have read these forums....

He will definately be labelled a dead-beat because by definition he is a father who is not providing for his child in any way (assuming that is the case).

When two people have sex, especially under the circumstances you describe, neither knows the other so they should be especially careful. He doesn't get a pass because he didn't "intend" to impregnate anyone...he had sex and that is how babies are conceived usually. She doesn't get a pass either. She is however seeming to accept the consequences of her carelessness even if you, me or anyone else doesn't agree with the choice she makes. He on the other hand is walking away "scott-free".
 KarmicEvolution
Joined: 11/22/2008
Msg: 4
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Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/27/2010 6:42:57 PM

He doesn't get a pass because he didn't "intend" to impregnate anyone...he had sex and that is how babies are conceived usually


LMFAO.. you just gave me this mental image of a guy talking to his penis "Dammit! I told you this was a trial run! You dont send the good swimmers on a trial run!"
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 5
Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/27/2010 6:49:22 PM
Karmic!!!!! I am laughing so hard over here.....thanks for that mental image....what would be our equivalent I wonder....

Damnit! I told you not to release that egg.....see what you've done now?

It just isn't as funny......
 lookingelsewhere
Joined: 7/1/2009
Msg: 6
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Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/27/2010 7:13:19 PM

He bolts becuase he doesn't wish to be father.


That sentence deserves his title of dead-beat dad.

If I drive drunk , and kill somebody ... do I deserve to not be "labelled" because I didn't mean to kill someone ?


she will be annointed sainthood for keeping said child.


I don't see too many mothers being labelled as saints either.

But to compare the two, one person is taking responsibility for their actions, and one is not. So should they be looked at in a similar fashion ???
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 7
Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/27/2010 8:08:58 PM
Someone getting labeled as a "dead beat" has absolutely nothing to do with how the child was conceived and EVERYTHING to do with taking responsibility for one's actions. Not accepting the consequences of one's actions is what makes someone a dead beat, whether it's the mother or the father. Yes, she would have been just as irresponsible as him to get into that situation, but she, in your example, also took responsibility for her choices whereas he did not. THAT is what makes him a deadbeat.
 inbruges
Joined: 5/1/2009
Msg: 8
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Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/27/2010 9:29:12 PM
First off, I should say that I'm a dad to fantastic twins...

But, why don't couples who don't know each other that have casual sex and get pregnant have abortions anymore?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 9
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Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/27/2010 9:53:49 PM
I don't know about sainthood but there are people that see it as noble that while neither one was thinking child going in, she was accountable for her actions in choosing to have and/or raise said child.

I think this is the only area wherein it seems that women are viewed positively compared to a dead beat dad and btw, many people don't consider bailing in that situation in the same way they do a man who was in a committed relationship cohab or marriage, and bolted when baby made 3. The knowledge that abortion was an option the man didn't have factors to the level of dead beat that would be applicable in this case.
 Browngreeneyes
Joined: 12/21/2008
Msg: 10
Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/28/2010 2:31:57 AM

He will labeled a dead beat while she will be annointed sainthood for keeping said child. Why?


Really?? You don't get out much do you??
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 11
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Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/28/2010 4:57:29 AM
"Now a man who steps up to be a single father never seems to get the same stigma as a single mom does. They are looked at as heroes for stepping up and doing what they are supposed to do."

This might be how it seems in the forum world sometimes, but the forum world and the real world are not the same. In the real world there is no hero treatment. I have gotten unbelievable stereo typical comments from both men and women, after they know I am the full time custodial parent. Comments like: "but kids belong with the mother how could you do that to her/them", "the mother must of been a real mess for you to have gotten custody", "men don't know how to raise children (girls) right" and from women I have heard "I would never go out with a man that took kids from the mom", " I don't date single dads" (from single moms) (this one is a personal decision and I get it but not hero treatment lol) and even more messed up stuff that single men with kids are going to abuse them or sexually assault them or must be gay. I am still waiting for my hero parade.

Now to some of the flak women get it is because the numbers support it. Women single mothers much more likely then single fathers to be on welfare or other public assistance, much less likely to have a full time job, much more likely to be getting child support then are single fathers and for some of the religious types they were much less likely then single fathers to have been married at the time the child was born or ever married (does not matter to me, but it does to some). I don't think men need to be treated like heroes, but I think the criticism we get is completely of the mark for the most part. I do not believe single mothers need to be dumped on for being single mothers, but the welfare and some of the other things are real issues and are open game for criticism if you ask me.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 12
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Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/28/2010 6:17:58 AM
Labels are for cans of vegtables not people. But hey, thanks for the angry guy thread. We all love those.
 Deuce Light
Joined: 6/17/2008
Msg: 13
Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/28/2010 7:23:38 AM
Let me flip the script for a second here. I don't disagree that men who bolt when a woman get pregnant are pussies and can hardly be called men; man up and own your actions. What I don't get is why they get labeled as such though and women who get abortions (except in extreme cases where it's understandable) and moreso who use the morning after pill don't receive similar labels. Men are labeled as such for running away but a woman doesn't have the option of running away from a pregnancy because it's inside her. OH WAIT, YES SHE DOES AND IT'S CALLED PREG-AWAY! I know of women who actually keep a set of pills on hand for random encounters just to be safe. Uh, why not avoid the random encounters or simply take some precautions and suit up!

I don't annoint any single mother as a saint just because she's raising a baby on her own because do you have any idea the conviction a person must come to in order to abandon that child after carrying it for 9 months, delivering it, and holding it in your arms? I can't imagine. It's a much easier choice for a man to just walk away and I bet if the tables were turned you'd see women walking away often just like men do. I still think it's shady and gross but it happens unfortunately.
 myblueshadow
Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 14
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Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/28/2010 11:02:07 AM
If she had chosen to have an abortion, would she then be a dead beat?

That’s where I see the greatest discrepancy. Mothers have the option of opting out after the “oops.” Fathers do not. She then also gets the option of forcing at least financial responsibility on him. He doesn’t get either the option to force her to be financially responsible or to opt out of financial responsibility. Both parties made the mistake, but only one of those parties has access to any follow-up options.

So what exactly is it that makes a man a dead beat dad? From what I’ve seen it’s when he doesn’t accept his financial responsibility. So, using that logic, a woman receiving government money would also be a dead beat because she isn’t providing for the financial needs of her child. It can also be that he doesn’t accept the child as his own and chooses not to take on father role. Again, using that same logic, women who have abortions or give their children up for adoptions would be considered dead beats because they don’t accept the role of mother. So, I am asking, what defines a dead beat dad or mom?
 ManicMelanie
Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 15
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Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/28/2010 12:25:54 PM
They were both irresponsible. She stepped up to the plate. He walked. Next question?
 Bablynbrook
Joined: 11/18/2008
Msg: 16
Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/28/2010 12:31:25 PM
The defination of a dead beat dad is a man that knows he has a child out there but is too selfish and self-centered that he decides that he will not man up and take responsiblity in raising that child. It doesnt matter if you wanted to have a child or not it IS your child. Running away from your responsiblities to your child is cowardly and be happy that dead beat dad is the term being used. I have a lot more words that I could share that sum up my feelings on these cowards.

The only reason that a woman has less of a stigma (and believe me, there is a stigma) in regards to being a single mother is that unlike the coward that ran away, she is taking responsibility for her actions.

The thing I could never understand is that having a child is a blessing, no matter what the circumstance. I feel sorry for the dead beat dads because the have ran away from what life is all about. The are so scared of responsibility that they end up missing out on something truely amazing. It really is sad.
 Bablynbrook
Joined: 11/18/2008
Msg: 17
Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/28/2010 12:38:57 PM
So what exactly is it that makes a man a dead beat dad? From what I’ve seen it’s when he doesn’t accept his financial responsibility. So, using that logic, a woman receiving government money would also be a dead beat because she isn’t providing for the financial needs of her child. It can also be that he doesn’t accept the child as his own and chooses not to take on father role. Again, using that same logic, women who have abortions or give their children up for adoptions would be considered dead beats because they don’t accept the role of mother. So, I am asking, what defines a dead beat dad or mom?


myblueshadow
It isn't just about financial responsibility. They don't accept responsibility period. Money is a problem, yes, but a child without a father is more of the concern. A woman receiving money from the government IS looked down on by many. Maybe she needs that money to cover the amount that the dad should be responsible for, but isn't paying. Maybe she is a dead beat mom. No matter what the scenerio she still deserves more respect because she is TAKING CARE OF HER KID.

As far as women who have abortions they aren't technically a mother. There are many views on what stage an abortion is considered murder, but it is legal, a no child is born. They haven't offically become a MOTHER so they offically arent a dead beat MOM. They are irresponsible and are labelled many things (murderer to be one), but that child was not born. Dead beat dads KNOW they have a child and still run. They are absolutely deserving of the title of dead beat dad and much worse in my opinion.

A dead beat mom is someone who takes no responsibility for her child. Has left them with the father or grandma or another family member to raise. They are just as bad as dead beat dads.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 18
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Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/28/2010 1:01:13 PM
Again this comes down to rule of law. If a parent does not provide what the law says they should they get the label dead-beat. Percentage wise there are more dead beat mothers then there are dead beat fathers. What I have not seen a name for but it happens quite often is a parent that will not let a father have visitation with the child. Happens to moms also, but not nearly as much. Lots of reasons given in the forums, he is living with a new woman, he does not have a job, not paying support or even more trivial reasons like can't breast feed the kid. To me this is a crime the courts should take more seriously. What would be a good name for a women that will not let a child visit with his father or a father that will not let a mother visit with the child. This should have a bigger stigma then it does. A nice name could help.
 Bablynbrook
Joined: 11/18/2008
Msg: 19
Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/28/2010 1:22:29 PM

What would be a good name for a women that will not let a child visit with his father or a father that will not let a mother visit with the child. This should have a bigger stigma then it does. A nice name could help.


She is called a ruthless, immature, selfish mother who likes to use her kids as weapons and stick them in the middle of any petty fight because even though it makes her kids miserable and emotionally scarred because she gets off on being withholding and having "power".

Okay, maybe thats too long. Hummm....need to think about it more.

Karma will rule in the end. The child will eventually know that it was the mom that kept their dad away and it will backfire.
 son house
Joined: 1/24/2006
Msg: 20
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Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/28/2010 4:33:44 PM
I disadgree, just for being a young single father I receive more stigma than I ever thought possiable.
 Notdesper8atall
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 21
Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/28/2010 4:47:36 PM
"What would be a good name for a women that will not let a child visit with his father or a father that will not let a mother visit with the child. This should have a bigger stigma then it does. A nice name could help."

I have few ideas for names for this situation..but none are nice. Unfortunately all would get me a one way ticket to banned camp.

On second thought how about an acronym yeah MVP ( Manipulative, Vendictive , Parent) Hows that sound?
 hooked_and_happy
Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 22
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Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/28/2010 5:17:27 PM

Labels are for cans of vegtables not people. But hey, thanks for the angry guy thread. We all love those.

Is it really any different than the many other angry woman threads started on a daily basis?
 coydragon
Joined: 1/24/2010
Msg: 23
Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/28/2010 7:26:21 PM
I've gotta say that yes any man that gets a woman pregnant and turns their back on them is a low life, dead beat dad. The same goes for the women though, like my case I had to go to court and fight my ass off to get my daughter after my ex walked out on us. Luckily I had an amazing lawyer and she was a gold digger and she turned her back on us and signed over all rights to me (what a dead beat mom). And MY daughter wasn't even 3 months old when all this happened. So I would say that any woman that raises a child on her own because of a dead beat dad, is a hero! This is a very difficult and time consuming experience, that I wouldn't trade for the world. I give props to anyone who raises a child on their own because some douche walks out on them when they need them the most.
 jenn8131
Joined: 11/7/2009
Msg: 24
Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/28/2010 11:53:36 PM
If I had ever been so foolish to get pregnant by a man from a random hook-up and go on to have the child I wouldn't expect anything from the man. He didn't owe me anything. It was my irresponsibility, it was my choice and I should be responsible because as the woman its my body and I should do everything I can not to become pregnant from some random hook-up. However after having a planned pregnancy I doubt I'd expect much from a man that tells me he wants me to have his child anymore. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice... well that's another story.People that have unprotected sex are foolish extremely foolish.

Now the only women that I can think of saint-hood is mother teresa for over 45 yrs she ministered the poor, sick, orphaned and dying. The pope gave her the title the Blessed Teresa of Calcutta. She dedicated her life to helping others those that she shared no biological connection to. When you become a mother you are supposed to do everything for your child its what mothers are meant to do it doesn't make you a saint just makes you a good mother. And there's no reason why a woman shouldn't take pride in the fact if she is a good mother. Why shouldn't women be proud of being a good mother. Because its not paid work its not important? Being a parent is the most important job anyone can have. So I think parents that are doing a good job deserve recognition regardless if they are single, regardless if they are mom or dad. Are recognition doesn't come from others it comes from having a happy child.

Being a mother doesn't equate to saint-hood. I argue that I'm not a bad mother because I'm a single mother and we see that way more in the threads that I must be a bad mother because I'm a single mother.
Having a child out of wedlock personally i thought I was just validating my role as a harlot.

dead-beat: a person who deliberately avoids paying debts, a loafer, a sponger
being a parent who neglects parental responsibilities one who does not pay child support.

Thats the definition from dictionary.com
my ex made the choice to become a parent he also made the choice about what kind of father he wanted to be to his daughter and that was to be no father. I don't refer to my ex as a dead-beat dad anymore because he doesn't exist in our lives.

Some people are maybe defined by labels but others go out of their way to prove them wrong. It falls upon the person whether they want to be labelled. Society has a lot of labels... do labels really matter in the long run or how you live your life?
 ~SparklingRose~
Joined: 10/20/2008
Msg: 25
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Dead Beat Dads????
Posted: 1/29/2010 3:01:10 AM
Pertaining to your specific opening post scenario, OP.. it really IS as simple as:

ManicMelanie: They were both irresponsible. She stepped up to the plate. He walked. Next question?




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