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One night together, then...Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I've been on the other end, so I know it happens. But never in this way before, so abruptly having a person change their mind, literally overnight. As an older guy, and someone who doesn't like to waste my time or anyone else's, I tend to be fairly decisive when it comes to dating, and I tend to be either very into someone or I'm not at all and go on my way. So a few weeks ago I met a wonderful woman on another site, and we just had that immediate rapport and chemistry in our messages and by phone. That carried over and more, when we met in person for a first date a week later. It was one of those dates where you can't keep your eyes or your hands off each other (not in a sexual way, but affectionately). You know, the kind of night where others around you can just tell you're really into each other, and we got plenty of those envious looks. In the course of getting acquainted we both professed to wanting the same things out of life and love, stating we were looking for a monogamous one on one relationship with the hopes it could grow into something long term.

Fast forward to this past weekend, when we had plans to spend our first night together. Granted, only our third date, but we seemed further along than that just because of the connection we shared, and I just went with it. She had an overnight babysitter all lined up, and we had made plans for a lovely evening together and talked all week about how much we were looking forward to it. Then the day before she contacts me online and is telling me what an awful day she had had at work, and invites me to join her and her boy for dinner then to watch TV after to keep her company. Which is what we did, me doing nothing more than holding her in my arms and giving her the TLC she said she wanted. I went home early, then came back the next night for our planned evening together, which went even better than I had even hoped. Again, she agreed, was every bit as passionate as I was and we were as compatible there as we'd been in everything else we had done to that point. During the course of that night I expressed to her that once we crossed that threshold of sharing intimacy that I wanted and expected us to be exclusive, so there wasn't any miscommunication between us. The following night she goes out to fancy function with a GF, and the next morning I get the "we should just be friends" phone call, and its over just like that.

I'm not the type to sit and dwell on it; as far as I'm concerned she missed out, and if she's that confused or unable to effectively communicate then I don't want or need her in my life. But here was a case where I was fully committed to the moment, thinking she was right there with me on the same page, and I could have seen myself falling for her eventually. The easy answer is it got too sexual too soon, but how do you avoid this sort of confusion at the beginning of what seems so promising? I'm wondering if I scared her with the talk of being exclusive, but I don't sleep with more than one person at a time, and she said neither did she. I like to think I'm a perceptive man, yet somehow I feel I missed a crucial signal along the way. How do you identify that sort of thing, when your new partner is telling you she's every bit as into you as you are into her, then tells you lets just be friends, which really means I don't want to see you anymore, the next day?
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 2
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One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 9:31:51 AM
Yes, unfortunately it does happen. My guess is either she ran into an old flame at the function or went to the function with another man. I do not think you can avoid this kind of thing unless you really put off intimacy until after some time has passed.
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 3
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 9:53:59 AM

How do you identify that sort of thing

By paying attention and controlling yourself from simply becoming victim to

immediate rapport and chemistry

based on online communication having never met the person. It's an impersonal controlled environment.

Also when you discuss

we both professed to wanting the same things out of life and love, stating we were looking for a monogamous one on one relationship with the hopes it could grow into something long term.

You are discussing a relationship goal. Which means it's pretty much over, unless you are the religious type and let others lead you because you can't take responsibility for yourself, or are set in a relationship where one person is the captain and the other is first officer determined at the outset (rather than a relationship of equal partners where order is determined by strengths).

Your relationship goal discussion sets up rules and goals and expectations of behavior in order to get to the goal. And neither of you know the other, so you stick your own in there and think that is what the other person is expecting or thinking.

You are both pretty much stating "we don't really need to communicate, we just need to get there, since we both seem to want the same thing (according to our words and not our behavior and words) we are both following the same recipe, so let's just do the steps and then enjoy the cake, we don't 'really' have to know much about each other. Just what we want from each other. So you hide behind your facade and deal with your problems on your own, I will deal with mine. We need to just get there and it will be okay."

Or more simply put when you discuss the relationship goal you want you stop paying attention to the person as an individual, just how they can fit into or help fulfill your idea of your relationship goal or how you will feel when that goal is achieved.


How do you identify that sort of thing...

You pay attention to what you are doing after you have spent time thinking about what you are really doing and saying.

Because the rush into sex thing? It's not rushing into sex. It's not rushing into a relationship. It's rushing past building up the foundation for communication.
Which lets you understand the other person and what they are saying to you.
When you "rush" you are simply interpreting what they say according to your own definitions, experiences, bias, ideas, expectations, etc.. Not learning theirs. Not learning how what they communicate directly and indirectly is relevant to them.

That's why when this happens

following night she goes out to fancy function with a GF, and the next morning I get the "we should just be friends" phone call

You know she went out with her girlfriend, talked about all her problems with the GF, or simply thought about them herself. Whereas if you take the time to learn how to communicate with someone first they come and talk to you.

That's why people say it takes time to build a relationship. Because you have to learn a knew language that is only relevant to one other person.
So many people seem to think you need immediate chemistry and attraction, so many seem to think if they, or they get the other person to, just stick around long enough then that equals a lasting relationship.
That's why it's not easy. You have to pay attention. You have to learn. You have to interact for a long time. You can't just show up and say you want the same things.

Or even more simple

How do you identify that sort of thing

You try and understand who they are, rather than just what you want.
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 4
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 10:06:10 AM
the best thing is when you're meeting, dating or a relationship with someone just enjoy the moment , dont put your expection too high. People always think have a nice night with someone etc.. mean that person cannot change his mind overnight. Enjoy the moment man!
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 5
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 10:15:01 AM
^^^^ I very much agree. Enjoy it for what it is in the moment with no expectations too soon. That's what I've learned. I can think of a couple of times where I thought I had a wonderful evening with someone and then it evaporates in less than 24 hours with no reason other than...there could be a myriad of reasons. Because I can't read minds I'll never know.

OP, I guess you'll never know why she suddenly changed her mind. The best thing you can do is not set your expectations too high in the beginning despite what she says about being on the same page as you in regards to a relationship goal.
 Roni L
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 6
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One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 10:28:13 AM
Wow first off I'm a little upset that somephxguy's post was long than the OP's but anyway it happens. She might have thought you were coming on to strong for her and just wanted to back out. Your going to have to realize that nowadays there are plenty women that aren't looking for a strong commitment but rather FWB. State your intentions from the door or else these things will continue to happen
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 11:05:30 AM

the best thing is when you're meeting, dating or a relationship with someone just enjoy the moment, dont put your expection too high.

Oh, I know all of that, including most of what Phx Guy (thanks for the lecture pal!) wrote too, and I'm kicking myself in the ass for making what amounts to rookie dating mistakes. If you look at my profile you see very plainly that I don't normally approach a first date or the beginnings of a relationship with any expectations in particular. In fact, I've very often tell people flat out that the only expectations I have are honesty and courtesy, nothing more. Yet somehow I was dumb enough to not follow my typical precautions with this woman and got too caught up with her way too soon. Not that I mind throwing those precautions to the wind, if I think we're on the same page, and that was the case here, or so she said. The discussions about what we wanted from a relationship were prompted by her, not me, and I responded in kind, which is why I'm so damn puzzled by her abrupt withdrawal. Oh well, chalk another one up to a lesson learned the hard way.
Joined: 1/27/2009
Msg: 8
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 11:21:06 AM
OP- don't kick yourself for opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. I feel that this is truly the only way to know how we really feel about someone and vice versa. The only thing I would say is not to attach expectations to initial dates.
You should applaud your efforts and the fact that you allowed the opportunity through genuine sharing and communication,
etc. The challenge, so to speak , is to continue dating and keeping your heart and emotional self geared to continued openness, without being guarded . The good news is that you know you made a connection that you felt had future potential. So there are others out there, OP.
Best wishes~
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 9
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One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 11:54:54 AM
OP - I think I get you - hell, I think I am you...I too believe that there shouldn't be any expectations, especially with these online meets. BUT - if it's there, it is...and that throws everything out the window.

I can only speak for myself. I haven't had anything like you described happen, but of course (I'm still here) haven't found the right one yet either. For me, my biggest fear is not of getting hurt, but of not letting myself be open to the ever wonderful "him" when he shows up. I see nothing wrong with discussing what it is you want, in a conceptual way...I do that myself, because if you aren't on the same page, what's the point? I see nothing wrong with diving in, if that's how you feel, and what you want. When it doesn't work - you are an idiot right? LOL...but if it does work out it's a storybook romance...double standard!

Follow your heart, always...and don't let someone else change who you are.

Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 10
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One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 11:56:29 AM

Too much too soon= crash and burn.

Seems too good to be true? It usually is.

Even though most people will agree with this, when they get in the EXACT situations, they somehow think that it will be different. It won't. Your scenario is classic. Classic thoughts, feelings, etc. Classic behavior and ending.

The ONLY way to make sure this doesn't happen is to wait on the sex. IF you don't, you run a VERY high risk of "this" happening. It's just the way it is (for ALL of us).

We have 2 choices. Wait on the sex. OR Have sex and this happens. It's almost always one or the other.

Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 11
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 11:56:45 AM
First of all, I think it's easier said than done to not get your hopes up about someone you have great chemistry with. The guys I didn't get too excited about were ones where there really wasn't much of a spark. But when I had an awesome time and the guy clearly did too it's hard not to be hopeful about the potential.

It's frustrating to not know what happened-- maybe there's another guy occupying her thoughts or maybe there was something you said or did that she wasn't keen on. A lot of people back out of a relationship early for reasons you can't begin to guess so it doesn't necessarily mean she's a horrible person. If you REALLY like this woman, it may be worth your effort to make some sort of gesture to show your interest and sincerity. If she bites, take it cautiously from there. But I do think that taking that second chance is better than just walking away.
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 12
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 12:44:42 PM have 4 "failure points" in what you related...soooo, by the numbers, here goes...

1. She has a son young enough to need a babysitter. Oh-oh...that means she has to figure out where her feelings about you fit into her longer-term concerns about raising her child.

2. Sex is still sex...and some is good and some is not so good. She had 24-36 hours to realize she wasn't looking to get naked and horny with you again. Perhaps you slept together too soon, but great sex usually goes along with great emotional intimacy...typically not doable by the third date unless you're really, really good at creating rapport and have spent a lot of time talking.

3. Apres Sex is cuddling/sleeping. Bottom line, it takes a while to learn to sleep with someone new...and typically if you don't like the sleeping and morning time with someone, even phenominal sex is going to have a hard time overcoming it.

4. From the way my perception read your words, you kinda wussed out on her. Women like assertive, confident men. I didn't get that sense at all from the sensitive, caring way you wrote it. In fact, the whole idea of scheduling sex for the third date I found laughable. Did you schedule or ask permission for the first kiss, too? You get the point...if you're having sex on the third date and it is a "seeking permission" kinda thing, she's going to find some guy who wants to take her in his arms and objectify her a bit...not in a bad way, but in a way that lets her know she is desirable and he has things in control so that she can relax and enjoy the time.

Truthfully, my sense is she didn't miss out, she just needed more or a man and less of an appointment.

OH...and at the time of first sex is a very poor time to play the EXCLUSIVE card...
During the course of that night I expressed to her that once we crossed that threshold of sharing intimacy that I wanted and expected us to be exclusive, so there wasn't any miscommunication between us.
...yeah, she probably would have wanted it, too, but if you're really that close and seeing each other frequently, you can work the timing on that one far better. You probably snuffed out the last chance of getting laid again with that simple wanted the handcuffs on...and while she may have wanted the same, look back up to 1, 2 & 3. You lose.

Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 13
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One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 12:57:59 PM
Maybe you should have had the exclusivity talk before you slept with her.
Joined: 9/5/2009
Msg: 14
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 1:17:08 PM
OP: My very first thought on reading your post was that your take on this

our planned evening together, which went even better than I had even hoped .... every bit as passionate as I was and we were as compatible there as we'd been in everything else we had done

was not true for her.
I'm not saying either of you did anything wrong as lovers; but she may not have felt it went as well as you did, and she's honoring your desire (and maybe hers, too) to "not waste time."
Some sexual compatibility things are either there or not there - literally. A woman may stop seeing a man if she doesn't feel that the physical "fit" between them was quite right. (And, no, I do not mean this solely in reference to penis and/or vagina size - it also relates to every other aspect of that physical "match," including angle, and smell, and taste, and ....)
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 15
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 1:28:38 PM
I don't think you could have foreseen this, because I think she met someone at the function (whether new to her or previously known makes no substantive difference IMO). So she couldn't have foreseen it either.

It's a shame, but at least she let you know the status instead of just not talking to you again.

Now, prevention of this kind of thing... well, there you already know, take it more slowly next time. But I see no need to kick yourself in the head for having had a lovely, albeit far too brief, experience of just going with it.
Joined: 5/25/2009
Msg: 16
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 1:47:13 PM
So... OP...

You know, I could, like others have, analyze all you said and maybe find a mistake or two, but honestly, that would just be a bunch of B.S. It sounds to me like you were being yourself and being up front about what you were looking for and what you wanted, and that's about all you can do, in my opinion.

It's much easier to develop rapport and to develop a sense of who the other person is when you're around them a lot, like it was in high school, in college, or if you have a bar or coffee shop or something you go to a lot where you know a lot of people. When dating, whether online or just picking up strangers, it's so much harder to develop that rapport and to be able to read the other person without reading your own expectations into them, you know?

At the same time, it's really not all that complicated as long as you both are honest. I mean, really, relationships is a large part of what we're built for. Problem is, you really can't know if the other person is being honest or if they're just leading you down a garden path. It's frustrating, it's time-consuming, and it's a mystery what the hell anyone thinks they're going to get out of life and relationships by lying.

Good luck :)
Joined: 12/21/2007
Msg: 17
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 1:47:24 PM
I've been there and done that. It happens all you can do is dust yourself off and keep going after what you want. It's okay to grieve but once you're done grieving, find someone else that's into you and enjoy it.
Joined: 3/2/2006
Msg: 18
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One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 1:59:33 PM
It may be as simple as you (being the man) having been so quick to officially state you are ready to become exclusive to her. Understand that those type behaviors from men send not only a rational signal suggesting your lack of options or discernment, but also an emotional signal. You are simply 'too easy' OP. This woman understood that she basically just rolled out of bed and already had you ready to give her everything you had within 3 dates. - Start to look at the social and emotional avenues of thought in these situations, not just the rational.
Joined: 9/9/2008
Msg: 19
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 2:09:25 PM
this is the sort of thing that SOME guys don't like . I first e-amil her . ON HERE . then we meet . if , we like each other THEN go from there ( still no sex ) . IF she sticks around . THEN you can ask her for sex . BUT first , a relationship should develop . otherwise , it won't happen . 90% of the woman I have went with , stick around for 2 months then gone . they figure " why stay with guy . " well , what do you want . a relationship built on sex or on dreams ? My ex-girlfreind met in 1990 . we are freinds yes . I have met her boyfreinds . and she has met my girlfreinds. she told me " the sex gets less as time goes on . "
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 20
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One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 2:17:15 PM
Significant point: we don't know from her side, what happened that caused her to bail on the OP. Take notice, dangermouse: your thinking that women do this more than men ignores the HUGE number of posts from women complaining of vanishing guys. Also, since we don't know what the woman actually felt, we don't KNOW that she "simply switched off her emotions" and moved on.
Op, haven't YOU ever experienced thinking you reeeeely like something, and jabber about how wonderful it is, only to wake up a few days later and realize "eh, it's okay but..."

If there was anything that went wrong, I would have to GUESS, but I would say that when you chose the one night of sex to immediately go for exclusivity, that you came off as RUSHING her into captivity. Just a guess. She then has a day to think about it, feels that you are charming, she's had a good time, but She isn't up for exclusivity yet, and you've emphatically posted that as your sole option. In other words, by trying to go to exclusivity right after DATE NUMBER THREE, you scared her out of her infatuation, she took the only logical course available after your earlier conversations, and she shoved you firmly into "friends only" status, with the actual designation meaning "please go away quietly."
It's not that YOU missed a "signal," it's that you GAVE a signal ( that you wanted exclusivity only after sex). She just responded to that signal logically, from her point of view.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 21
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One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 2:31:32 PM
You kinda posted a mini- novel for someone tthat doesn't "dwell" on these things.
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 22
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 2:48:09 PM

Women are masters at this shyt. Seeming like they're totally into you then like a switch they're off. I think it's far more common in women than it is n men too.

Yeah, it's always the men you hear about crying on a friend's shoulder because the woman ditched him after sex. If only we women could quickly get as emotionally attached as men do.
 looking4the magic
Joined: 1/17/2010
Msg: 23
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 5:00:21 PM
I think something happened in the bedroom..That is my hunch as it happened to me once and I never went back. He was NOT a good lover!! He didn't pay attention enough to even realize..
Best to you~~
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 24
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One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 5:17:11 PM
planed sleep over on 3rd date? to soon to fast..

and looking4the magic- don't be a b*tch.. sorry that was a b*tchy statement.. way to make someone feel better
Joined: 8/3/2009
Msg: 25
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 5:50:07 PM

It was mutual infatuation, then she got a) scared or b) buyer's remorse.
Happens to the best of us.

She went with her impulses... going in then out [pun intended]
I doubt you could have predicted it.
Something else might have triggered it later if early physical intimacy had not.

Good luck the next time. ..
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