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Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 1
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How do you slow a guy down???Page 1 of 1    
I have a problem with guys moving really fast. I'm not nessesarily talking jumping in the sack. I meet them the first time and it's instant relationship. They think just because you meet; your in a realstionship. I met one the other night and he was talking plans for the future, then there's one who wants to meet me that calls and txts off and on all day with play by of the day, like they're checking in with a gf or wife. I know this isn't all guys but it's a couple that seem to be very nice guys and I maybe I could be interested in but kinda push me away moving so fast. Without hurting their feelings or ruining the chance of a second date how do you slow them down????
Joined: 4/18/2009
Msg: 2
How do you slow a guy down???
Posted: 2/6/2010 8:42:48 AM
This is not really an easy task. The best advice i can give you is that you just need to set the pace yourself. Too many texts/calls? Put your phone on silent for a few hours, and just respond to him like you were taking a nap (but being honest). "Hey, sorry i was rather occupied. Whats up?" By doing that your making him realize that you had a life before the avalanche of texts/calls from him, and you are asking him what is so important, in a select few words. Just proceed with your life like you never met him, but give him enough attention that you show that value his attention as well.
Joined: 5/24/2007
Msg: 3
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How do you slow a guy down???
Posted: 2/6/2010 8:43:02 AM
I think it is better to risk hurting their feelings and telling them, in plain English, that they are coming on too strong. My guess is that their whole life no woman has ever told them this. All that came before you were too spineless or indifferent to bother to offer their perspective. You would be doing them a favor, IMO.

Another way to think about it is you have a right to find a relationship that fulfills what you want. There is nothing wrong with stating what it is you want in a relationship. If you want a relationship that develops more slowly over time and is not an insta-exclusive deal then tell them that is what you want. Explain why it is important to you. As clueless as these guys appear to be in their behavior they just might care enough to listen to you.

Off the soapbox. Good luck.
 seize de day
Joined: 11/12/2009
Msg: 4
How do you slow a guy down???
Posted: 2/6/2010 8:46:57 AM
before I read the op's post all I was going to say" I'm pregnant" that sure would knock every guy for six and knock him off his rails. Ok no idea what these men you meet are up too. I have my own rule of no more than one message a day and after the first date wait two days before any contact. Maybe you need to change your type of guy or just do shorter dates first and then only meet up again if your happy too take it further. Or let the guy know your not interested, that should stop the messages. Maybe you are also a bit to blame if your giving off signals or when they start planning then nip it in the bud there and then. No guy I know gives a full account of themselves like that to the gf or mrs. Dating hurts so never mind the feelings us guys have a very thick skin, how many knock backs to you think we get a week.
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 5
How do you slow a guy down???
Posted: 2/6/2010 9:03:09 AM
I don't think you can, honestly.

In my personal experience - even when you flat out tell them that they are freaking you out and that you need them to slow down what usually happens is that they slow down for a bit and try to respect your feelings... then BOOM! Back to full speed ahead again.

On the flip side to that, they think that you just aren't really into them. It has to suck to feel constantly 'rejected'.

I think that there are 'fast' people and 'slow' people. Relationships between the two are doomed.
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 6
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How do you slow a guy down???
Posted: 2/6/2010 9:05:08 AM

I have a problem with guys moving really fast.

Well, if you just wing 'em, it should slow them down... aim low, but watch out for the knee cap - you don't want to cripple them.

Okay, just to avoid banned camp... your picker if off. You're picking clingy, needy guys. Hate to say it, but those kind you have to train. You have to keep your distance and sometimes be mean to them to keep them from picking china patterns... it may back fire and just keep them keen. Pick a different kind of personality, maybe one that is a little less eager, more independent and happily content with a solitary household.
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 7
How do you slow a guy down???
Posted: 2/6/2010 9:07:08 AM
Well you write a good profile and are an attractive woman so of course you would be sought after by those looking for long term. There is nothing you can do about these men.

They have the idea you are the woman of their dreams and anything you do will hurt their feelings. Of course a second date will happen with a man who understands what you mean.

Make your profile easier to read and mention clearly you are not wanting to rush into things.

I would suggest though to make guys slow it down you take down your pictures and throw up a couple of you dressed in Amish clothing. Of course you'll be inundated with messages from freaks who have an Amish fetish
Joined: 8/28/2009
Msg: 8
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How do you slow a guy down???
Posted: 2/6/2010 9:12:28 AM
***Warning - I'm gonna be blunt and sound a little rude, but the following needs to be said***

Rant: ON

wait, lemme get this straight. You go out with a guy and he's so taken with you that he is willing to talk about making plans, and pays attention to you, and wants to be around you, and that's a BAD thing? SHEESH LADY. GIMMIE A DAMN BREAK

You do have "LONG TERM" written as what you are seeking on your profie, correct?

So you meet a guy who is probably looking for the same thing, he feels a connection, and acts in the manner of someone who wants to get to know you better with the goal of a LTR, and you don't like it. YOU GOT THE BEHAVIOUR YOU ASKED FOR. If you don't want that, then write "I ONLY WANT TO CASUALLY DATE WITH NO SERIOUS CONNECTIONS NOR PEOPLE LOOKING FOR THEM" in your profile

this reminds me of something I heard on the radio the other day.. this lady called in to a show to complain that her husband was always sending her little corny love messages from work. The show host told the lady that girls like her turn men gay. You say you want affection, to be treated like a lady, to be the center of a man's heart, but the second a guy acts like that, he gets shut down, while at the same time, a guy can walk up, be a disrespectful ass, and gets women throwing himself at him.

I understand not wanting to be overwhelmed, but it sounds more like you want a guy to act like his NOT interested, and then you'll be more interested in him.

If that's not the case tho, then the truth is you don't like those guys and need to move on because if you meet someone you really like, you wouldn't mind it if they want to be around you/make plans etc all the time, because you would feel the same. Since that's not the case, do them a favor and move on, otherwise you are just keeping them around to stroke your ego.

k, rant off
Joined: 8/28/2009
Msg: 9
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How do you slow a guy down???
Posted: 2/6/2010 9:16:31 AM
Oh, and I saw you wrote "I don't want to rush" in your profile, but if that's the case, perhaps switch your goal to "dating".

It's a small change, but an entirely different mindset. I think men who search out "long term" and have it as their goals are much more likely to act in the way you described, while those with "dating" as their goal want to get to know people, and if they meet the right person, settle into a LTR.

Again, simple change, MASSIVE attitude difference, and much more in line with what you are looking for.
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 10
How do you slow a guy down???
Posted: 2/6/2010 9:41:57 AM
Behind this question, when you think about it, is "How Do I Change This Guy?" or that guy, as the case may be.

You see anything wrong with that? Here's a guy on date one or two and you imagine you have some ability to change some guy? Good luck with that.

So, obviously, I think you're jousting with windmills, but what I would do is say what you're looking for first. Guys usually (people usually) tell you what you want to hear ... so if you spell out your vision first, people will try to match that somehow.

Then again, you'll have to keep doing that time and time again, because (you know why McDonald's advertises every 30 seconds, right?) because people need constant reminders if you want them to change at least on the surface.

Then you have to figure out if you're just cheating some guy of his own aspirations ...
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 11
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How do you slow a guy down???
Posted: 2/6/2010 9:42:19 AM
if i'm on the receiving end of this sort of thing after one date, it's about 90 percent a dealbreaker. so i see nothing to lose in being direct: 'i like you but let's keep it to one call or text a day or less for now.' one might get angry and want to argue. he's done right there. another might fall all over himself apologizing. he's done too. but if a guy can discuss it calmly, he might have some communication skills and some potential.
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 12
How do you slow a guy down???
Posted: 2/6/2010 10:25:49 AM

How do you slow a guy down???

You don't.
If you try you are simply manipulating them.
Then it becomes a game and a transaction based relationship.

When you "slow them down" you are simply setting the terms of the deal.
"You need to show me more of relationship and emotional validation payment before I reward you with sex."
If they are "rushing" to sex.

A lot of guys "rush" into the relationship assuming you are going to want the relationship label and emotional validation payment before rewarding them with sex.
So they try to immediately act like your boyfriend. Because girlfriends and boyfriends have sex.

Or they may have an idea of the "relationship" ideal they want to be. They have a relationship goal. They don't want the relationship. They want how they think they are going to feel at the end, when they reach the goal.
And people want the immediate gratification of that emotional feeling of peace, security, comfort, love, joy, happiness, etc.. So they rush to get to it.

Mostly because they know it's going to fail. Kind of like knowing you are running out of gas so you floor the accelerator thinking you can coast a lot farther after the gas is gone, which reduces the amount of time you have to walk.


Without hurting their feelings or ruining the chance of a second date how do you slow them down?

You can't control their behavior. You can't control their motives.
You can only control what you do.

And the only reason they are "rushing" is to either pay you with what they think you want to get what they want, or in order to achieve some benefits of their idealized goal before it fails (like they know it will, at least subconsciously).

It's impossible to not hurt their feelings if you don't give them what they want. You hurt their feelings, they get to play the victim. They choose to get their feelings hurt. It's self protection. They get to blame you for hurting them, that way they don't have to change behavior. It's easier to be hurt than to be "bad."

They have to want to go on a second date. If they want something from you, or want you to fulfill their ideal, the only way to get them to want to go on a second date is to manipulate their perception that they have a chance of getting what they want fulfilled.

So to get them to slow down you either have to manipulate them into believing they will get what they want on the condition of them slowing down, or give them what they want (but that get's them to slow down simply so they can then go in reverse).

Of course it could be you talked to them online for 8 months so they think you are in an 8 month relationship. I don't know how long you've talked to them before meeting.
Maybe for them they aren't rushing, seeing as it's been 8 months, maybe they are just making up for lost face to face time.
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 13
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How do you slow a guy down???
Posted: 2/6/2010 10:40:49 AM
Best thing that's been used on me, is when the woman responds to me at HER pace. This is in agreement with my fellows who have already replied.
Like more of my fellow males than I realize, I can get excited and rush into things. Some women respond by running fast the other way, a few by trying to keep up (which usually scares the hell out of ME), but the wisest simply smile calmly, and remain blissfully aware that no matter how much I rush, I still have to wait for her to respond, before I can do anything else.
I would say, there shouldn't be any need to talk about it directly. Just maintain a calm manner, and he'll either come into line, or rush off somewhere else, in which case you'll know he wasn't in a hurry for YOU after all.
Joined: 10/27/2007
Msg: 14
How do you slow a guy down???
Posted: 2/6/2010 11:04:52 AM
Tell him you love him
Joined: 1/5/2010
Msg: 15
How do you slow a guy down???
Posted: 2/6/2010 12:30:43 PM
tell him you will submit to him if he beats you in pool. then kick his ass...over and over. :)
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 16
How do you slow a guy down???
Posted: 2/6/2010 1:26:12 PM
You need to take control of the situation, all you have to do is not answer his texts. Tell him that you don't like texting and you don't have a text plan on your phone. Don't accept his invitation to go out with him all the time, only go out with him when you want to on your terms. Tell him that you like him but don't wan't to move too fast, you do like him don't you? You won't hurt this guy's feelings by telling him that you do like him but wan't to slow things down, if he likes you he will respect that. If you don't see yourself with this guy just tell him that you just wan't to be friends.
Joined: 1/27/2009
Msg: 17
How do you slow a guy down???
Posted: 2/6/2010 1:32:28 PM
I want clarity in all things, especially if I am giving consideration to seeing someone again.
I tell the ones I like who push too fast that I have 2 speeds: slow and stop. They will either
care enough to respect that and slow down or they will reveal that they have no respect or
understanding- or the ability or want to slow down- and will cause me to say, "stop".
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 18
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How do you slow a guy down???
Posted: 2/6/2010 2:00:34 PM
Well, you might consider putting "Dating" instead of "Long-Term" on your profile. "Dating" is the English word for the process of exploring a potential partner for what may or may not become a long-term relationship.
Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 19
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How do you slow a guy down???
Posted: 2/6/2010 2:22:00 PM

Too much, too soon, aka moving too quickly= crash and burn.

Soooooooooo, for EVERYone's (potential) benefit, respond more slowly. If YOU wait awhile to return text, emails, IMs, phone calls, etc., then "he" will surely get the idea that you want to take it (more) slowly. You DON'T have to text back, email or take phone calls right away. Moderate pace is best and more likely to be successful in the long run. If questioned by "him", simply state that you are/were busy and that you prefer a "modest" pace. That should do it.

Joined: 12/21/2009
Msg: 20
How do you slow a guy down???
Posted: 2/6/2010 2:29:35 PM
First of all if the guy is mentally stable it wont seem like such a race. He will slow down on his own. But I think you should just hold off on return emails for a few days and see how he reacts. But the purpose here is not to send out mixed messages like not returning emails at all, but to simply slow it down. If its someone your seeing already than its more complicated. My degree doesn't cover that.
Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 21
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How do you slow a guy down???
Posted: 2/6/2010 3:29:23 PM
I understand all that has been said.....I guess I just don't use the right words , know how to explain or something ....I do want LTR but how can you decide in one meet that this is definately the one, I've made those hasty decissions and always turned out to be a mistake. One meet you know if you want to persue for more, but don't know enough to make a commitment. But I wasn't complaining, just concerned. Obviously I'm not good with words and get misunderstood alot. I was looking for advise on how to say it. I know I have to make a choice, but either way I don't want to use the wrong words and let him thinking I'm not interested.
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