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 kasia kisses
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 1
Failing Grades, again. Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
my 16 year old boy, a young man in high school has once again come home with failing grades,
4 d- 's and 2 f's and is currently taking a make up class for failing classes last year.

I am separated from his father, when our son was only 6 and completely parent different.

I have always wanted to take things away from him, restriction and take away family vacation time, like renting a house boat for a week in the summer or, to be able to go hunting with his father and others.
I wanted to be strict with him.
I come from a very strict home, and have always let my son know I expect him to do well, His best.
his father would never work with me and does not like confrontation. He is very mellow and prefers to be my sons buddy rather then a harsher figure in his life.
He views it like he does not want to miss out on time with his son, so he allows him to go and do anything, there is no discipline in his home.
About a year ago, once my son was in high school, I made him start to stay more and more time at his fathers home, hoping the stability would be better and his dad could guide him more. I got tired of fighting a one way fight with my son about his grades, I did not want to stress out our relationship.
He can always run to his dads house and do as he pleases, His father refuses to stand up and parent.

I called my son tonight. after getting a copy of his grades.
my son is proud of those grades, saying that he tried hard and it is just to hard for him.
I am just lost, I don't know who to handle this.. any help ??
Joined: 11/22/2008
Msg: 2
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Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/10/2010 8:27:54 PM
You know his father doesnt like to be a disciplinarian etc... and yet encouraged him to go stay there for stability? And now youre wondering why his grades are failing?

What is your custody agreement? Bring the kid to your house and be strict. Your son is going to hate it and **** and moan but you can either do your part of the job and come down on him or let him get crappy grades.
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 3
Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/10/2010 8:28:57 PM
Sounds as though you gave up long ago.
Have you tried sitting with him and reviewing his school work?
Have you spent time with him to get on his level and see what's up?
Those are rhetorical questions... the answer must be "not yet".
You have to work hard at not doing the work to get those kinds of grades, unless he suffers from arrested development.
Rather than frustrate yourself about something you have no control over (his father),
do the best you can by getting involved with your kid.
He may have missed out on some fundamentals and is now paying the price - my kid did and I didn't know until I took the time to sit with her and watch her do homework and ask questions. She was faking it because she didn't know the basics. We had to go back to basic addition! It's working though, but it takes a loooong time!
Get specific - what's subjects are difficult? You're gonna have to get in the trenches and help him out. Give him a hand... he needs help, not humiliation.
Strictness has nothing to do with it - diligence on your part does.
Be strict on your resolve to put in the time and do whatever it takes.
You can do it. Will you?
It is worthwhile.
Best wishes.
 kasia kisses
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 4
Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/10/2010 9:07:50 PM
There was no custody agreement, We never went through the court systems.
even though I am aware his father doesn't like to be a disciplinarian, I can't keep my son from seeing his father.
His father is not a absent father, I dont have the luxury to keep him to myself.

when I say.. You are on restriction for a week, or two at my home, but then get to go to your dad's house one or two days a week or the weekend, because his father don't want to lose the time with his son, and does not agree to the same restrictions and punishments.
Why would he want to come to my home, with me being the strict and disciplinary over and over again,,, when his father encourages him to stay at his home ,where everything is smoothed under the rug and there is no on going punshiments.

over the years we have sat down with him many many times, one on one with paper work, paying a small fortune in tutors and Sylvan programs, my child was fighting me to trace his name in kindergarten He has never liked school. and will admitt that Sylvan was play time.. There is not one bone in my body that say he is not able to do the work, he is to lazy to put in the effort plain and simple.
He is now a teenager, almost 17. there is soo much peer pressure, and hormones going on. If I come down to hard, that is always a reason to turn to other issuses .. like drugs or just not wanting to come around me, He has a nice home at his dads.
Joined: 8/9/2009
Msg: 5
Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/10/2010 9:48:01 PM
I have gone through a similar situation. I had tried everything I could think of to get him motivated, everything from rewards to consequences. I finally figured out that he has figured out that he has complete and utter control of his grades and the work he is willing to invest in them. Kids this age are working on autonomy. They are making decisions that are bringing them closer to adulthood and sometimes they choose to exercise those options by not doing things that they SHOULD be doing. You cannot force the kid to learn or really to work or study. You cannot be with them 24/7. Finally I just looked at him and said " No matter what you do, whether you succeed or fail in school, the consequences of those choices are only yours. I have my high school diploma, I have my college education, if you choose to give away YOUR opportunity because of laziness or willfulness it doesn't take those things away from me." In the end you are only hurting yourself. If you need or want my help ask me, if you don't, that's also your call. This is your choice and your responsibility going forward. There was about another month of slacking off to test my resolve and then suddenly he is working back up to his potential, and now has to work that much harder to undo the bad grades. I remain hands off unless he asks for help.
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 6
Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/10/2010 9:48:48 PM
Who is the parent here? You have been letting your son play you against his father for who knows how long. Your son has little regard for his education because you've allowed this to happen. You yourself have stated: "I got tired of fighting a one way fight with my son about his grades, I did not want to stress out our relationship."
Raising a child is never going to be stress-free. It's only been a fight because you've allowed him to argue in return. If you want him to succeed you need to put your foot down and get your ex on the same page as you. Kids need parents to be parents, not friends.

Have you ever talked to your son about what he wants to do when he's older? By his age he should have some sort of plan for the future, whether it be getting a job, going into trades, post-sec, whatever. Your child's future is in your hands. Are you going to give up on it because you don't want to rock the boat?
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 7
Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/10/2010 9:53:37 PM
Dont' be afraid of his response.

you set the standard that he has to adhere to and enforce them.

he'll turn to drugs or not come around you whether or not you set standards...

have you spoken to his father about everything? sounds like yall both are worried about being too "hard" on your son and he's flying under the radar kicking back riding the wave of yall's "non parenting"

i mean he's 16 - he'll be outta the house soon enough, so lay down your expectations and enforce them...

he'll respect you for it.

he won't respect you for being weak.

forget about everything else - do WHATEVER....WHATEVER... it takes to get him to focus and do well....

don't let him control things....
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 8
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Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/10/2010 10:03:12 PM
OP, if he has been struggling for that long, have you had him evaluated for learning disabilities such as dyslexia? ADD often masks as a kid who is argumentative, you know they are smart so you don't understand why they cannot read, etc.

If this boy has had problems since kindergarten, he is not a bad child that doesn't want to learn it sounds like he is a kid that wanted to learn but was never able to do so and having gotten increasingly frustrated just gave up probably around the time you did.

Tell his dad if he doesn't step up and make time every day for homework, etc. that you will take him to court. If you had a fortune to spend on Sylvan it seems to me that you could find some help from the courts in getting this kid under control before he winds up on the wrong side of the law.
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 9
Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/10/2010 11:58:46 PM
Discuss your concerns with his father. See if you can come to some agreement as to how to approach this issue. Keep in mind that blaming each other or disagreement between you two only gives your son more power and each of you less. In other words, be prepared to compromise with his father.

I agree with others that say a long pattern of dislike of school and lack of success is not likely to change at this point unless your son wants it to. How is he doing otherwise? Does he get along with others? Does he have legal troubles? What is he interested in - anything that can turn into a vocation? Explore his aptitude for vocations that don't require academic success. Does he sit around and play video games all day? Or does he spend at least part of his time productively engaged in something that can be parlayed into a living somehow? Talk to your son. Does he see himself working at McD's? Working on cars? Building houses? Welding? Come up with a plan between the three of you that deals with the realities of his academic situation. He's 16, the plan may change but the sooner everyone realistically looks at this, the better.

If he's not doing his schoolwork, require him to get a job. Let him learn for himself how an education can benefit him. Many of us had to learn our own lessons the hard way - your son might also.
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 10
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Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/11/2010 4:17:03 AM
"About a year ago, once my son was in high school, I made him start to stay more and more time at his fathers home, hoping the stability would be better and his dad could guide him more. I got tired of fighting a one way fight with my son about his grades, I did not want to stress out our relationship."
"his father would never work with me and does not like confrontation. He is very mellow and prefers to be my sons buddy rather then a harsher figure in his life."
"His father refuses to stand up and parent. "

Sounds to me like there are two people who refuse to stand up and parent. O-well it will just be one more kid not making it right? Well unless one of you takes charge. WTF!
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 11
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Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/11/2010 6:04:58 AM
Of course the work is too hard. When a child barely finishes the work in one grade it is virtually impossible for them to comprehend the work required the following year. My opinion? He never should have advanced to the next grade.
Taking things away is not going to work, sending him to Dad's is not going to improve his grades either. This is not a matter of who is the better parent or disciplinarian but who is going to take the bull by the horns and sit down with a guidance counselor and get this kid the tutoring and education he needs to be a successful adult. If he is getting F's then he is in the wrong classes. My daughter has a learning disability and works very closely with guidance and teacher with an individual education plan. I need to sit down with her teachers and councilors every few weeks to ensure we are all on the same page. You need to parent this kid! no one will do it for you. He has to understand that his education is important.
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 12
Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/11/2010 6:10:22 AM
OP, it sounds to me like you tossed in the towel a while back and are dealing with buyer's remorse. Does your son want to go to college/university? Does he have any direction for his future that HE wants to do for himself? Is he doing drugs?
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 13
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Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/11/2010 8:16:52 AM
OP, you mentioned Sylvan but I wonder if they were ever aware that the child might have a learning disability? I can only assume that your silence on this thread is because no one is giving you an easy fix or laying this whole thing at your son's feet.

My daughter was similar to yours when she was in the first years of school and we waited until nearly the end of 2nd grade to be sure she had ADD rather than some other type of difficulty. She couldn't recognize the word "the" from sentence to sentence but after putting her on the proper medication, she spent a week with my mother and was reading beautifully. She is now in AP and honors classes but that is because I took the time and kept after the school to find out the problem when she was young. You should have been all over this when this boy was in kindergarten because Carol is absolutely right, if you don't learn the skills in one grade, you are just getting more hopelessly behind each year.

And btw, my stepson failed every year from the time his parents split. In his case, he had ADHD out the kazoo and was totally unsupervised with his mother. We got custody of him and he was passing everything and if we had gotten him sooner, he would have been an A/B student but when a kid has problems with no help forthcoming, he is just screwed.

I didn't learn algebra in middle school and I honestly don't know how I got through geometry, college algebra and trig in high school because everything builds off algebra, which I never really understood until college.

Sounds like you and the ex are more concerned about the bullshit between the two of you than the fallout from your split, which apparently, is your son.

Congratulations, you and your ex have doomed this kid to McDonald's and Wal-Mart.
 kasia kisses
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 14
Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/11/2010 9:43:26 AM
Thanks for all the replies.
I suppose I posted here, cause again, as you all have mentioned I gave up on him.

When is the high school teenager responsible for their own directions and actions. ?

seems to be easier to blame me, I screwed up his life single handedly.
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 15
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Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/11/2010 9:48:22 AM
Yes OP it is all your fault.

He is 16, not an adult and cannot be expected to make up for years of bad habits and poor skill set by sitting in a few tutoring sessions. He needs a full evaluation by the school district. Yes you can request that. They in concert with his Dr will determine where he is lacking and why.
When can he take responsibility for his own actions? As soon as he is prepared to and right after his parents no longer need to guide him, and 16 ain't it!~
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 16
Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/11/2010 10:14:34 AM
Repair-guy has the best post here. Go back and read it again and again, OP.

I am in the same situation with my daughter with the exception that she has no father in her life. She too is trying and trying but getting very poor grades. She has had tutoring, and I have forced the school to take steps to assist her.

The real problem is that they are not making connections in the work. Their brains are not processing the material properly in order to be able to think and use the information efficiently. It really doesn't matter why: learning disability, some basic element missed previously, etc. The point is that it's not the child's fault that they are having trouble so consequences and rewards are unhelpful.

I know it's tough, and people could be phrasing more helpfully and politely, but the bottom line is that YOU are the parent. You are really the only person on this child's team and even though it's difficult, timeconsuming, frustrating and sad, YOU are the person who's going to have to step up to the plate and help your child.

The advice I got for my child from a teacher I respect enormously is: go back to the very basics. Prepare your child for this process by explaining your plan because it's going to be frustrating for both of you. Treat every opportunity as a learning opportunity. Analyze what is the best way for your child to learn and what he uses as the cop out so he doesn't have to: e.g. I've had my 15-year old research snow to explain it to me. I know that she likes to write/type information so that she doesn't have to keep it in her head. Once she's done the "assignment," she feels that she doesn't need that information anymore and so doesn't keep it to apply to any other situation. To combat that habit, I make her explain it to me verbally so that she needs to keep the information in her mind and use her own language to explain it to me. I can ask questions that, I hope, will intrigue her to continue learning, and I can challenge her to apply that information to other topics.

It's darn hard work, and I'm already tired from working a full day, making meals, caring for pets and taking her to activities (which I feel are equally important to education and nutrition for a child's health and welfare). I have to suck it up and do it anyway because it's what she needs at this point in her life and what we do now will affect her opportunities in life. It's super, super important to their welfare as adults that we put in this effort!!

Also, check out this website. I am going to put my daughter (and maybe myself) into this program. I think it's about darn time that we started tapping into the brain's true capabilities.

Good luck to you.

Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 17
Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/11/2010 11:33:26 AM
OP I dont know that your methods or the fathers methods are at fault totally here. Have your son tested to see if there is a reason he isn't learning the material and work from there. Placing blame over the issue isnt helping your child at all, whether it be on his fathers approach or your own as neither one is working. If you want to confront the problem find out why he is failing and attack that problem and then go from there.

I would also mention that I came form a rather strict upbringing as well, but I remember just as many ( if not more ) atta-boy ( for the good things) as I did slaps on the wrist ( for the screw ups). One is no more or less important than the other. Some disciplinarians forget this.
 My I
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 18
Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/11/2010 1:20:23 PM
I was one of those kids who did poorly in class. I failed many classes - actually, most classes. I was a very athletic person and still failed gym. My parents could not have done/said anything to change me because I didn't want to change. ACADEMICS WAS OF NO INTEREST TO ME AT THAT AGE.

It was not a wise way to live but at that age, that's the way it was. I was not motivated because I didn't care. Some of the most successsful people had no education. Some of the biggest losers were very well educated. Nothing is a definite. By getting good grades you've not given him/her any better guarantees in life that he'll succeed at a higher level.

He seems to be unmotivated. That's something he must deal with, not you. As a parent, I've instructed my kids that they will be paying rent to live in my home if they chose to ignore school, at the age of 18. If they aren't involved in some form of academia then they need to get a job and start paying for their way in life. What that did was get me motivated to seek employment and earn my own money. I made the best decisions I could regarding jobs and that has paid off. I wish I was better educated but now, at this point in my life, I'm doing a lot better than my peers who saught higher education.

Some people are born to work with their hands and mind while they do not focus on education. It's not a disorder... it's simply a direction I knew I could succeed at. Eventually, as an adult, I took a lot of night courses and upgrades to better myself. But, as a teen, you weren't going to get me to do anything associated with academia.... that's just the way it was. It's very possible your son is of the same mindset.
 kasia kisses
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 19
Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/11/2010 2:07:18 PM
Thank You for this your post My I
My son is bright and is very much a hands on person, He can fix anything.
I spend alot of hours talking with my son about his future, making sure he understands what he must to in order to achieve a certain level of success.
He does not sit in the house and spend endless hours on the computer or on his Xbox..
His thing is being outside running like a child should, he is very much a active child.

I have beat my head against the wall so many times, struggled and struggled with him. daily/ when I see him, I ask how his day was, Is there any problems, Does he have homework? He has to start taking responsibility for his own words,, Yes Mom, I am fine, and I have no homework.
I was very involved in his life, up until he hit High School. That is when I had to step away and hand over the more of the responsibility to his father, thinkin He could teach him what ever I was not..basically how to be a man.
It is really hard when his father under minds my discipline with his passive aggressive behavior, and his father is the one with all the money to buy him all the toys.
but in the end, it is my son who is failing himself.
I have an appointment to see his school councilor.. maybe I can get my answers there.
many thanks.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 20
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Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/11/2010 8:51:26 PM
OP, obviously this thread was difficult to read but you still have not answered the question that many of us asked, was this young man ever thoroughly evaluated for a learning disability?

My daughter was so verbally advanced, smart as a whip, I really couldn't understand why she had problems with things she just seemed too smart not to get. It seemed that anything with paper created a problem but she is a visual learner and I still wonder if she has some type of processing disorder beyond the ADD that they haven't caught.

My stepson when we met thought he was stupid but a lot of it was not having supervision and not having someone around to point out the relevance in what he was doing. We watched some movies one weekend that were basically about inventing weapons and then the dubious ability to control them. He asked me why people keep inventing the stuff and I told him that it was because people didn't pay enough attention to history and don't seem to get that no matter who starts it or why, there are always losers all the way around with war. Interesting that he immediately went from failing grade in social studies to I think Bs and Cs.

Sorry you thought he needed a man who doesn't seem much of a man to teach your son how to be one. My ex, pfft, I think my boys are learning fine from several different men they know that are very good people and have a lot to teach them by way of example. Hard workers, are not pushovers but are sensitive and caring with their kids. Funny, most of the guys that are popping into my head are also the manly man types.

Maybe after speaking with the school you should sit down with him and ask him if he would come home. That you know at his age, it is more appealing to be with dad where he is allowed to do whatever he wants than to be with you where there are rules but you would like to help him get the schooling in order so that he has the opportunity to either have a good future or bad one, that the way he is going now, he is systematically eliminating any future success for himself because many jobs will not hire someone without a diploma or GED. IMO the GED is harder to get because the person needs to be more self-motivated instead of the class structure at school.

I would also talk to the school about alternative education programs in your area. Some private schools exist that have a sort of go-at-your-own-pace thing but they are also one-on-one monitored so that they aren't screwing around, i.e. deadlines for completing projects and portions of courses. These tend to be designed for children that do not do well in a regular classroom. Many of them have funding sources and scholarships. Even if he perhaps has ADD, which is missed because the kids aren't totally hyper, he may have trouble concentrating in a room full of students.

You can bring more information to the school meeting if you stop and think about the situations that your son excels. What have you watched that wowed you with how quickly he learned something? Figuring how he learns and when he does put effort into something can help in figuring out how to teach him the material he needs to know.
 kasia kisses
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 21
Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/11/2010 11:42:43 PM
I thought it would have been obvious once I mentioned Sylvan Learning Center that question became rhetorical.. Of course my son has been evaluated and analyzed, This is a professional evaluation and learning assessment establishment. My son received one on one with a licensed and accredited ex teacher of 25 yrs, now tutor at Sylvan. This was not a brief encounter, it was a full year commitment.
I am sure somewhere with all the tests and tutoring a learning disability would have been mentioned.
Joined: 7/27/2009
Msg: 22
Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/12/2010 2:32:55 AM
Kasia, is there anything your son IS good at? You said he is good with his hands and that he likes being active.
Has he talked about what he would like to do when he finishes school? I understand, of course, that he must be literate, but he just might not be the academic type, as some other posters have said.
There are many career paths he can follow which don't need an academic background.
Talk to him without laying your expectations on him.
Perhaps take him to a careers counsellor. There are a million different ways to have a fulfilling, interesting working life that don't involve academic studies.
And notdesperate8at all is right...don't forget that praise is just as important - even more important - than criticism.
Constant criticism kills the spirit. Maybe your boy is creative. Maybe your boy is a sportsman. Look for the positives - the things he really loves to do and takes pride in - and encourage those as well.
Discipline is important but it can be given in a loving way so that he will hear what you're saying rather than shut you off.
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 23
Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/12/2010 3:25:08 PM
What you write reveals your way of coping, or more correctly 'copping out' on your responsibilities.
In that respect, your child is following your lead. He is shirking his responsibility.
When a child (or anyone) says 'things are fine' or 'there is no problem' yet fails - you have all the information you need! "He knows not what he does"... can't you see?
The first time, shame on him - every subsequent time the shame is yours.
What he says can not be trusted without verification. Do you verify daily?
His brain isn't fully developed or capable to understand the ramifications... neither is yours apparently.
The course work and lessons aren't as important as the ability to start and finish tasks. It's called diligence and perseverance.
Ever heard the saying "... fail to plan, plan to fail..."?
What's your plan? Depend (blame) your ex? Giving the 'wheel' to a kid?
You are failing your child. It didn't happen overnight, it won't be fixed overnight.
You lead and you are blind to that fact. Very sad.
Congratulations, You are SUCCEEDING at creating a FAILURE!
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 24
Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/12/2010 4:22:54 PM
When is the high school teenager responsible for their own directions and actions. ?

What a loaded question that is......

If you were the type of parent who sat with him night after night and made him do his homework, if you were the type of parent who nagged at him constantly, when did you expect him to learn consequences for not doing what he needed to do? If you babied him by enabling his behaviour for years, this is expected. Now that he is a teen and Dad isn't babying him, you are seeing that he never INTERNALIZED a strong work ethic.

He is responsible for his own directions and actions...absolutely. If he hasn't been taught HOW to direct himself and to make good decisions for himself, whose fault is that?

It does seem like you and his Dad have a toxic relationship and haven't been able to effectively co-parent your child.....sad for your son.

Now he is a teen and raising a teen is like nailing jello to a tree. If the foundation isn't there, then the house falls and his true abilities are crystal clear. Can you fix it? I don't honestly know....teens don't really like being dictated to, controlled or manipulated because of course we all know that teens know everything. I do think you have to talk with him like he is an adult, not a child. I do think you need to find out what his plans are for his future (assuming he has some) and guide him to understanding what he needs to do to achieve whatever goals he has set for himself (if any).
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 25
Failing Grades, again.
Posted: 2/13/2010 9:26:19 AM
I have always wanted to take things away from him, restriction and take away family vacation time, like renting a house boat for a week in the summer or, to be able to go hunting with his father and others.
I wanted to be strict with him.
I come from a very strict home, and have always let my son know I expect him to do well, His best.
his father would never work with me and does not like confrontation. He is very mellow and prefers to be my sons buddy rather then a harsher figure in his life.
He views it like he does not want to miss out on time with his son, so he allows him to go and do anything, there is no discipline in his home.
About a year ago, once my son was in high school, I made him start to stay more and more time at his fathers home, hoping the stability would be better and his dad could guide him more. I got tired of fighting a one way fight with my son about his grades, I did not want to stress out our relationship.
He can always run to his dads house and do as he pleases, His father refuses to stand up and parent.

So you are or want to be strict...yet you have problems with your ex and his parenting when he was seeing his child every other weekend.

Or is it my way is the only way and why is he unable to see why I am doing what is best?

Yet you posted 3/20/09

Well here I am, 42 and single.
Mother to a 16 yr old., and need a new career. I am a a high school drop out,
I was a stay home mother for the last 17 yrs, and it sucks to be starting over.
any advise ?
Thank you,

I have no problem with high school drop outs....i was one but returned to finish...then returned to go to university. It really is not that difficult when you want it to happen.

What is difficult is learning study habits. Staying up at the dinner table going over the homework so they know and learn how to study and to get the foundation for later.

You posted 5/6/2009

As some of you might know I am currently trying to further my education , going to school at a very late age. I am having trouble retaining the knowledge and even understanding many questions. Can anyone share how you are able to find tricks or what might of helped you to make things understandable and retain it?
Thank You for any input.

Perhaps your son is also having those same problems retaining or understanding the classes. So the problem may not be what you were trying to get support for...The terrible ex who does not follow your co-parenting doctrines. The problem could be the lessons he did not learn about doing his homework when it was much easier. The foundation or early lessons lay the groundwork for when they are in high school. To late is when they start to struggle.

Is there such a thing as Unconditional love ?

But when you post something like this I wonder if the issues with you and your son is your love and affection for him is conditional and he is also rebelling againts your conditions?

Long story short,
The father of my son and I have been apart for a while now.
My son is now 16 yrs old and a sophomore in High School.. Do I have any say in the wake up time at his father's home ?
At my home wake up time is 9 am.. this is for the summer and weekends. I feel that is a late enough time to sleep in, if you are tired go to bed earlier. I don't like him to sleep his day away.
At his father's home, he can stay up as late as he wants and sleep in as late as he wants too.. My son was suppose to come visit me on Sunday morning, I waited all day for him to call me. finally he calls at 130 pm.. says he just woke up at 1.. needless to say I was grrrowling mad.
I have tried to communicate with his father over this issue, I guess he don't hear me!

Kasia...effectively his house his rules...your house your rules. Yet at the same time within that comes the realization that at 16...he is starting to make his own rules about where he wants and how he wants live.

I have no legal separation agreement. The children spend all or the majority of time here. They have homework...they are found here doing it. I rewarded from an early age doing homework and bringing in grades based on their ability.

Now both are mid 80's and really I should have set the bar a little higher...but then it may have defeated the purpose. They have the ability to do better and they have the foundation from study habits learned and followed through from primary grades...

And I also have used a tutor when they needed the extra help in High school. At that point I found it easier for someone else to assist I was struggling to remember 1/2 of it anyways...and reality is...they learn better from someone else anyways.

Just out of have mentioned repercussions...what were the carrots you used for your son in getting the successes?
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