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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > living together after a breakup      Home login  
Joined: 11/2/2007
Msg: 3
living together after a breakupPage 1 of 1    
You need to wake up and smell the roses...She wants to fullfil her purpose and nature, her very reason for being a woman and that is to "Give Birth" be a mother and have something that she thinks will never abandon her as you have !! You should be ashamed of your self to lead her on for years and say no . She will leave you unless you are good for money or something but it must be more valuable than her nature! "Which I doubt you have"
She sounds like she is dealing with a double issue with your son.She wants one too ,of her own and she is protecting herself from her urges by being a bit distant. She is not being mean but caring to him and you.
So give her her 3 years of waisted time back and move on.You owe her that much. She can only safely reproduce up to age 32 and all years above that are risky. Her best years are 18-25.
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 5
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living together after a breakup
Posted: 2/12/2010 9:38:43 PM
I think the question you are really asking is how she could move on so fast... She didn't, she is rebounding, it may go further, or it may not, but you used a key term of "probably", that for some people means there would be a change of heart.

Then things have gotten worse with your son, which you are extremely vague on, but bed issues at the age of 7-10, yeah that probably didn't work well, and some people don't mix with someone elses child... So she realized this and knows it isn't fair to him or you...

Why you two have to live in the same house is a little vague too, you stated you are unemployed so who is paying the bills??

Using the excuse that another child would ruin things with your other child is rather bad, simply because there is always enough love to go around, heck you aren't working, so seems like there would have been a lot of time...

These are "reasons" you selected. The Myotonic Dystrophy could have been passed to your oldest, did you know you had it before he came around?

YES, people can have different parenting techniques, however it is about time to look at the fact that with her, without her, you will always have different techniques, with whom ever you are with...

She may be into the guy she has started seeing, or there was hopes you'd wake up and realize what you had, that is hard to say, and only a guess...

So she knows all these reasons, and feels she needs to move on because the two of you's goals are NOT compatible, and blaming her for hoping you'd change your mind is pointless...

You knew when you met she wanted more kids, so you too could have headed the other direction fully knowing that you didn't want kids... The three years the two of you were together, these things were there, and that you could have just as easily said this isn't going to work a long time back...

Now you are in a fix, what to do, realize this is NOT optimal, and look towards the sale of the house... Set up your own routine without her, and as you smartly have done, moved her out of the bedroom... Don't go back either if the lonely or old time sake pops up, because it will set you two back in emotions...

Fact is you have this situation, but you have to let her go, and she you... I am sure it doesn't feel very good in the least to her, and she is doing what she knows how to do to get past the pain...

Once again get out of the house as soon as possible, and hopefully you aren't depending upon her to take care of the finances, because that will NOT do good for any of you....
Joined: 11/2/2007
Msg: 6
living together after a breakup
Posted: 2/12/2010 9:51:55 PM
Oh course I will change my views seeing is we have a story which is more informative.I think considering you are happy with the one you have and are in fear of the risk on your side plus she is pushing her safe production capabilities that maybe she is really the one who is wanting to leave the situation due to the conflicts.
She knows you better than you think which is why she is giving you a way out by saying she wants another child{She Dosent}.I think the children conflicts are the main reason for her wanting to leave. She doesnt really want to commit to "The way things are going now"..Unless there is a complete psychic change on both sides or one side totally gives in to the other there will not be a conflict resolution.
Its your life you twos decision so I wish you the best.
Either you both think what you have is valuable enough to work on and seek guidance or you dont. Marriage is only a way that is bringing the situation to a final observation.
Marriage for you was a way of saying you liked things the way they were, seeing as you were living together anyways.
Marriage for her only sped up her deep thinking and she is saying she does not approve of the way things are.By her going out in front of you she is only pushing you to make a decision or she wants to punish you because she is an evil B....or she wants to get pregnant by someone who is safer genetically and than she will have you raise it too if you want her.
Or she will have who gets her pregnant take her and her child to raise,,,lol tricky situation you got there.
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 7
living together after a breakup
Posted: 2/12/2010 10:04:41 PM
I don't know what were you doing for three years together if her intent was to have children and you knew you didn't want them!

It is even harder to understand why would you propose, knowing this.

Incredible even that you bought a house together????

Were you two guys in denial or what???

She doesn't get along with your son because he visits frequently and didn't let her sleep more than a few days at the time?

Again, she knew this long before the buying of the house and the proposal.

I can't say I feel bad for either one of you.

You knew what you were getting into and now you want to stay under the same roof until you sell the house??

So, you are upset because she has a new boyfriend and you don't have a girlfriend yet??

Next time, don't propose when you know she wants to have a baby and she doesn't like your son.

I mean, really? You created this whole drama yourself.
You broke up, she moved on, man up! Do the same!
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 15
living together after a breakup
Posted: 2/13/2010 4:17:11 AM
I'm going to simply address dealing with the ex's magic trick of falling out of love in a month (which I think is doubtful unless she's rebounding or was already detached).

Thoughts can become habits, just the way behaviors can.
My advice is to exert strenuous control over your thoughts.
For example, you can play, "You've lost that lovin feelin" continually in your head and feel resentful incredulilty every time.
Or you can play something positive, either about you and your future, or well wishes for hers.

23 years ago I dated a guy whose mother made it known that she wanted her son to be with a particular girl.
I questioned him about it and he insisted he had no romantic interest--just friends (little sis from a fraternity).
We dated for two years, I moved 3,000 miles to live with him, we broke up, and he dated & eventually married his mother's pick.
I was pretty bitter for a while with angry, obsessive thoughts--I still liked the guy and was always irked by the mother's meddling.

After realizing the anger was only hurting me, I started a little prayer ritual even though I'm non-religious.
I'd think positive thoughts about how I hoped he was happy and sort of send them out to him.
(I know...airy fairy...and I'm so *not* into crystals and new age thinking, but I'm telling you--this really worked.)
At first I'd keep her out of the prayer, but eventually included her.
This worked slowly over time as it began to turn my negative thoughts into positive ones.
I started to think how I'd rather he be happy with her than unhappy with me.
By including her in my prayer it made the two of them a unit, versus 'the man of my dreams' and 'the b!tch who stole him.'
Eventually I stopped thinking about them altogether and when I reflect on the incident I don't feel any resentment or negativity.

Can't say that I ever exorcised the meddling mother out of my baggage, but two outa three ain't bad!

To make a long story longer, I now use this process for any issues that want to stick around longer than they're welcome.
Got something negative that haunts you? Find the positive in there and focus repeatedly on it.
Control your thoughts or they control you.
Good luck.
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 17
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living together after a breakup
Posted: 2/13/2010 7:52:25 AM
What a mess. I know I would HAVE DONE things differently, but I'm not sure how to shift to that at this point.
What I would have done, once it was clear the relationship was over, is declare and agree that neither of you could start up with someone new until you were living in different houses again. I know how hard these economic times are, so I understand you're not making her move out right away, or moving out yourself if she owns the house; but it's NUTS to try to see each other every day like you are.
If you OWN the house, you have the right to declare that she must either move out, or stop bringing her new guys home, at least.
As for her apparent rapid recovery, I agree with the other responders. It always LOOKS that way, if someone finds a new person to go out with, and sleep with quickly. It's worst, if YOU can't as easily find a partner. She has probably not recovered emotionally as much as you think, but then it really doesn't matter for your purposes. You both have to move on and get away from each other.
Focus all you energy on getting her out of the house, or getting yourself out of there.
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 18
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living together after a breakup
Posted: 2/13/2010 5:49:36 PM
Sorry to hear how things have gone. It must be incredibly painful to see her going out and seeing someone else whilst still living in the same house.

I suspect the reasons she gave you for not wanting to get married are real. If you bond with someone, then the drive to have a child becomes stronger. It's a very strong drive in many women and I think men tend to underestimate it or think it will dissipate with reasoned argument. It doesn't. Having already had one child makes a difference but she could still want another. It must all seem horribly unfair to you, if you let her know from the start that you weren't going down that route. Maybe she hoped you'd change your mind.

She hasn't bonded with your son. I think if she had, then all the other issues about sleeping would have been less important - annoying and stressful, but not the end of the world. She never became attached for some reason and it happens. Wanting her own child with you might have had something to do with it and she may even have resented him because of that, but if she couldn't care about your son then you really don't want to be with her.

I think that when someone ends a relationship, in many ways they have ended it in their minds some time before. Your girlfriend may have been coming to this decision for some time and finally knowing there was no chance of a child with you was probably the deciding factor. From that point on, she was probably not listening any more. I know how much it hurts as they seem to turn into a different person but really they have just switched off and reorientated themselves. You're being nice to her because you're a nice person. Do you want to be any other way? Don't change that. At least when this is all sorted out, you'll have the self respect of knowing you dealt with her with consideration and decency. I don't think she's deliberately hurting you; she probably feels she's the wounded party because her hopes were dashed. It's likely she's just trying to find distraction and comfort in others and hasn't fallen for anyone. That doesn't mean she'll want a reconciliation though.

It's clear you need to sell the house as soon as you reasonably can. You're not the first person to ever be in this situation, I'm sure, and it must be very tough. Focus on selling the house and preparing it for sale rather than on what she's doing. Go out as much as possible and spend time with friends or family. Family can be good to talk to; depends what yours are like though. Post to the forums. Consider seeing a counsellor; you can talk through this stage with them and it will help. You do need to talk to people who can listen with an understanding ear, not those who might stir and report back on her. Choose the friends you talk to carefully. Keeping this bottled up while you are still coping with her in the house is not a good idea.

Maybe one of you could move out? Perhaps she could. Ask her to consider doing this to make it easier on both of you. You can't pressure her though because the house belongs to both of you. I hope things get easier for you.
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 19
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living together after a breakup
Posted: 2/13/2010 9:39:01 PM
I got the impression she was all jazzed about THE wedding... For the love of boredom I watch bridzilla, holy crap do these women get psycho because of THEIR DAY, not the life they are going to live, not the relationship they have, NOR the living within a logic budget from the start...

SO she got proposed, felt love, and felt THE LOVE OF THE WEDDING, geez it would be so nice if people weren't hammered with that romantic crap every day on tv and on bill boards...

You two discovered before the fact the goals weren't going to work, and she realizes she have her baby bells buzzing like crazy wants another baby... Happens, hormones are a sucky thing when it is screaming it is time, or forever hold hold your peace...

If she is not bring mr new guy to the house, then there is no say to either of you what you two do outside of the house...

In the mean time focus on you, and look for your place in the job market... I do understand when you were trained in one field, and suddenly it becomes obsolete... Something you have to really focus on, and hope the finances turn around for you..

Yes, you will have to suck it up, and understand that sometimes you have not communicated enough of your desires between each other to make that romantic life time match...

It is good that you aren't trying to hide your feelings in yet another ill fated relationship. Don't worry about her behavior she will have to live with the outcome sooner or later...

All you can do is hang on, and work towards getting your life back together... That is ALL you can do...
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