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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?      Home login  
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 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 2
What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
No offense, but I find it odd that when someone says this you think it's about you. It's about the concept of marriage, not necessarily a certain person that they'd rather not deal with again. I take it that they are just making sure they are clear where they stand to the crowd they are discussing it with.

The only reason someone would take that personally is if they want to get married and have some emotional attachment to the person who says it. It's a simple lack of common ground in that case, where they both need to break it off and find people who have the same ideals they do.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 4
What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/13/2010 6:30:14 AM
That's my point - some people just try something once and it's not about people, it's about the thing they tried and decided they didn't like - sort of like brussel sprouts. It's usually people who don't dig the lifestyle or would rather have their freedom that come to a life conclusion about it.

Then there are those who were hurt from a marriage and are just going through a phase. Most of my friends male and female who swore they'd never do it again right after a divorce eventually changed that way of thinking after some time had passed and they were a bit more rational about it.

Most people can't see beyond what happened to them without a lot of time to process it first. You see that in the forums here all the time. A person deals with one person who does something to them, and they basically write the whole gender off. Some never come back from it - but most realize over time it was just that one person.

I think a lot of it has to do with the person someone becomes during a divorce as well if it's not a mutual agreement. I've heard people say they never would have imagined someone they used to love could be so mean, hurtful, whatever. I imagine it makes you feel like you can't trust your own judgement in people at some point.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 6
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What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/13/2010 6:53:37 AM
I used to say that I encouraged a man to tell me every bad thing any women had ever done to him...because I wanted to know what "unpaid debt" I was going to have to assume (and pay for) in order to have a relationship with him.

I'm among those who says "never again"...but it has nothing to do with bitterness or with thinking that "all men are alike"...and they can't be trusted.

SOMETIMES....as is my case, it's simply my age...and circumstances that make "marriage" very impractical for me. From that perspective, I understand how others can make the decision that "marriage" IS a life altering commitment...and the benefits don't always outweigh the sacrifices. There are always BOTH...benefits and sacrifices. I think that well rounded individuals are capable of weighing these pros and cons and deciding what is best for them....at a given point in time. Of course, those pros and cons can and do sometimes change over time; and well rounded individuals are also capable of recognizing when those changes occur.

I don't think that ANYONE should even dream of considering a new commitment when they haven't reconciled their own psyches with their hurts of the past. It's what I call, not being emotionally free. As long as someone is still being obviously affected by past hurts, they are NOT free to enter into a NEW relationship. This is not a statement about others, but a statement about THEM...and their readiness for a new and different relationship.

I would insist on a legal agreement NOT because I didn't trust a perspective new partner (I wouldn't enter into a relationship with a person that I didn't trust implicitly) but because I'd want "the business out of the way" first...so I could feel free to go about tending to the relationship itself. In any such agreement, I wouldn't be so worried about my partner's bad motives as I would be about "our children's" and other family....BOTH sides.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 8
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What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/13/2010 7:33:07 AM
OP, it isn't ABOUT you. Those who feel as you describe aren't saying YOU (or anyone else other than their ex) are defective. They are finding fault with THEMSELVES getting married. For that matter, most people who say anything like this ("I'll never trust a man again." "I'll never believe the words I LOVE YOU again." and so forth) are simply expressing how they feel RIGHT NOW, as they are speaking. They aren't psychically foretelling the future.
 A-Womans-Best-Friend
Joined: 7/29/2009
Msg: 9
What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/13/2010 7:40:35 AM
This guy explains it all why men don't want to get married again or at all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nP3e8bm7Lx4 Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSjQc-2PkDI&feature=related Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d83g1dAC_cU&feature=related Part 3
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 11
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What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/13/2010 7:52:28 AM

So I have to ask why are you guys this way?

One doesn't have to have been previously married to be very averse to marriage. About a quarter or a third of single men in their twenties and low thirties are this way.

The problems are structural, not personal. I think that's the primary flaw in the OP's thinking.

Maybe reading this short article (from a decade ago) will help you learn up on what's happening: "Do you take this woman? No Way! " - http://fathersforlife.org/divorce/noway.htm

Otherwise, do a web search on "marriage strike" and study what the various issues are.
 CA_ExPat
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 12
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What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/13/2010 7:56:42 AM
It isn't what you had to do with my last marriage, it's what I learned from it.

On the plus side, children have a legal name and a more stable environment in which to grow and there is a legal contract to see to their welfare until grown.

Other than children I can think of no good reason to remarry.

A marriage is a three party contract, woman, man, and the state.

OTOH, I have friends who have been living together for more than 20 years, own businesses together, go everywhere together, and, in fact, are committed solely to each other. Both are very attractive people, now financially in the upper 1/10 of 1% of this country and have been through all kinds of hell in the time they have been together. In that kind of relationship the "good behavior" toward each other continues as there is nothing holding two people together than the desire to be together.

When the desire to be together turns to a desire to be apart, the biggest hindrance with moving on with life is the marriage contract with the involvement of courts, attorneys, required marriage counselors. The breakup is disturbing enough without all the third parties.

I don't want any more children and I don't go out with women of child bearing age so there is no need for marriage. Commitment, yes, marriage, no.
 oldkid
Joined: 7/3/2006
Msg: 15
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What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/13/2010 8:25:26 AM
In many cases it is not about the woman or man but the legal system.
Just a couple of points:
Most states recognize common law marraige where if you live together for a certain number of years, the state considers you married.
A prenup only has so much value and that varies by state. In some states, you cannot sign away some of what the state considers your "rights".

Our overly intelligent lawmakers seem to think they can fix all the problems for society; they just aren't intelligent enough to see the damage they do also. Unintended consequences!!
 TiffLS
Joined: 10/28/2009
Msg: 16
What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/13/2010 8:38:16 AM

There are still men today, who pay alimony to women that they didn't have kids with, for longer than the marriage lasted.


There may be a few, but it's extremely rare; alimony comes up a lot more in fantasy rants from bitter men than it does in the courts. Nearly every state limits spousal maintenance to something that amounts to "temporary and rehabilitative". That means that if a woman has the ability to support herself immediately upon divorce--for instance, already has a full-time job. If she does not (because, for instance, she has been at home with children or out of the workforce supporting his career), maintenance will generally be awarded on a temporary basis to allow her time to get back on her feet. The cap on this varies from state to state, but three years is about average, and that's a maximum, not a presumption.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 18
What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/13/2010 9:01:25 AM
Every guy I have been with since my ex has asked me to marry them and every one of them has been divorced so, in my experience, it's not necessarily a male mindset that their past has made them shy away from marriage or LTR's. Actually, it's me who doesn't see the need for marriage and am content with the uncomplicated, non-legal LTR. I put it down more to the type of men I attract who are capable of understanding that not every woman is the same as their last bad experience. The relationships didn't end because I didn't want to get married - just other reasons that were based on them not being right for me in a sustainable LTR. One went on to re-marry his ex that he hadn't seen for 20 some years, one went on with the changed mindset that he now too likes the idea of a LTR with a woman instead of marriage, and the other I'm still with. It proves to me that some men want marriage, no matter their past experience, some can change their mind about what they thought they wanted, and others are just happy with the a relationship without placing it in any particular box.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 19
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What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/13/2010 9:02:24 AM

No offense, but I find it odd that when someone says this you think it's about you. It's about the concept of marriage, not necessarily a certain person that they'd rather not deal with again. I take it that they are just making sure they are clear where they stand to the crowd they are discussing it with.

The only reason someone would take that personally is if they want to get married and have some emotional attachment to the person who says it. It's a simple lack of common ground in that case, where they both need to break it off and find people who have the same ideals they do.

I agree with this but it also seems to me that what is less important than feeling like you aren't being considered in an unbiased way is that this points to someone that seems to have lost the hope he had before he married. That is a little bit more than not wanting to marry again, it is letting the marriage and divorce change you in a negative way that really isn't a necessary component of getting beyond the marriage.

What is kind of difficult for someone that would not be comfortable cohabiting indefinitely, is figuring out whether someone says this but is the type of person that with the right person, would prove themselves wrong and want to marry again.

I don't think at this point in my life I would need a marriage ceremony to feel "right" about living with someone I saw myself with for the rest of my life, but the lack of hope, of possibility, could point to someone who is always going to be holding back something. Who knows whether this would matter in a relationship or not but I guess I don't trust people that allow situations or relationships to permanently close the door to something they once wanted or believed in.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 26
What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/13/2010 11:24:23 AM
...and some of us are just happy not being in a 24/7 living arrangement with all that entails - potential divorce having absolutely nothing to do with it. We've (men and women) done it, know what it's all about and have decided to take a different direction; chosing to have a meaningful, committed relationship outside of both marriage and living together on that 24/7 basis. When you think of it, how much actual "together" time do married or cohabitating individuals spend together doing all things anyway? Major complaints are that they don't have the same interests, so do things separately, one's complaining about the amount of housework the other either does to the detriment of time spent together or one doesn't do enough to the satisfaction of the other, arguments over finances and what gets spent where, power struggles of endless varieties or one constantly acquiescing to the point of feeling like a non-entity. Being in a relationship that doesn't involve any of those things allows you to focus on the other individual 100% when you are with them which may wind up being more than those who are married or cohabitate. Regardless, whatever works for you - marriage, cohabitation or living separate. If a guy doesn't want to get married for whatever his reasons are, they're legitimate because they're reasons pertinent to him. Find one who's on the same page.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 29
What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/13/2010 12:36:22 PM

I have not once bashed people who do not like marriage if I did I am sorry and did not mean to.I just did not want this thread to go the way of bitter ranting I see so often.

That's a fine sentiment to have but when you continue on with such things as:


I know I will be married again someday.I am worth that.

It implies people who don't want to be married have some sort of lesser worth and it tends to get the hackles up.


I think personallly people will try more in a relationship if they are married. Stay thorough sickness and heartache.I think the "piece of paper' makes it worth it.

You'd have to expound on the reasons you bleieve a piece of paper makes it "more" worth it and why you figure they "try harder". My opinion is that if you are in a relationship that's working, there shouldn't have to be a whole lot of "trying" involved. It simply works because you are very compatible, married or not.


I have seen alot of pride in men when they introduce a woman as my wife. I find very sad when I see a couple introduced with Grandpa and his girlfriend.....they have been together 20 years.People seem to think they have to explain.lol

The man in my life introduces me by name without attaching a qualifying label and I know he's proud to be with me. Our very interaction with each other displays who we are to each other and even then, who cares if someone is kept in the dark. The thing is, people shouldn't explain or feel they "have to" explain the nature of their relationship. Are they in the relationship because they love each other, or do they place more emphasis on what other people may think of their relationshp. If so, that's the sad part - both the people figuring they have to explain and those who figure it's any of their business. Which really is what this thread is all about when you come down to it. Anyone's reasons for getting married or not getting married is no body's business but the two people involved in the relationship. If one wants it and the other doesn't, no matter the reasons, you're with the wrong person - you don't do it solely to make the other person feel some kind of worthy - you do it because it's a personal desire of your own - or vice versa, you don't.
 aliveone1
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 31
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What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/13/2010 1:04:41 PM
What is the basis for being optomistic about a second go at marriage? Marriage is supposed to last a lifetime. It only takes having been through one that didn't work to render the institution useless. Get over it, it has nothing to do with you. Find someone else who is a blissful as you.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 32
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What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/13/2010 1:49:28 PM
When my sweetie and I met we were on similar pages with regards to the subject of marriage:
"Not at all likely" *shudder*

He'd been married 15 years and had a bit of a 'bait and switch" situation, I'd had a few relationships and both living together and marriage had cost me financially. We were both clear that we ideally wanted a long term relationship but were very ambiguous about what form it would take.

I think one CAN live with someone with the same sort of commitment that one brings to a marriage. I don't think everyone who lives together has that type of commitment. It is easier to begin to live with someone to "see how it goes" or to "see how we mesh 24/7" - both of which are a much different commitment than marriage, although it can certainly grow into the same level of commitment. One also must recognize that not everyone who marries has the "you are it forever" commitment.

Besides the financial aspects, I would imagine most ponder "how do I keep this love alive?" Or a similar sentiment.

Some will say you don't marry because that way both are on perpetual notice to keep it fresh. Their theory will be in a "done deal" like marriage, people are more apt to relax and take each other for granted. Others, taking the opposite conclusion, will say marriage, as the ultimate commitment, means that people will bring more of themselves to the relationship, be more willing to put the other first, they recognize this is "it" rather than a practice life.

Either works, it really depends on the people and what motivates them.

I am very ambivalent about marriage. Beyond the financial aspects, and yes, I do not wish to go down that particular road again, I do question the need for it. I love my sweetie in a "you are it forever" sort of way and do not need a ceremony to make me feel any more or a different commitment to him. I did not love him this way when we began to live together a year ago. I did feel we/I might grow to that sort of a love in time, and we/I have.

I also question 'forever' and it just seems silly to pledge 'forever'. I wouldn't want him to stay with me out of commitment, I would want him to stay with me because with me is where he wants to be.
 oldkid
Joined: 7/3/2006
Msg: 41
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What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/13/2010 10:24:26 PM
countrygirl and others that believe marriage is important to you. Marriage vows are a very ambiguous set of "I dos" that have very little legal value. Would you be willing to sign an iron clad legal agreement as part of your marriage? One that actually had legal repercussions for a failure to live up to the contract? I think that would change the minds of a few men and make them more receptive to marriage.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 42
What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/13/2010 11:17:14 PM
Once bitten twice shy! I feel the same way. Divorce rate is more than half these days.

We work hard for everything, then if we get divorced, the other person gets half of everything. The new mate benefits from that hard work.

I had nothing in my marriage except my son. Now I worked, have Condo, nice care and I'll be damned if I get divorced and another woman benefits! I would have to sell everything give him half, which he'll spend on someone else
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 43
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What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/14/2010 5:22:46 AM

From that perspective, I understand how others can make the decision that "marriage" IS a life altering commitment...and the benefits don't always outweigh the sacrifices. There are always BOTH...benefits and sacrifices. I think that well rounded individuals are capable of weighing these pros and cons and deciding what is best for them....at a given point in time. Of course, those pros and cons can and do sometimes change over time; and well rounded individuals are also capable of recognizing when those changes occur.

I don't think that ANYONE should even dream of considering a new commitment when they haven't reconciled their own psyches with their hurts of the past. It's what I call, not being emotionally free. As long as someone is still being obviously affected by past hurts, they are NOT free to enter into a NEW relationship. This is not a statement about others, but a statement about THEM...and their readiness for a new and different relationship.


Grandmabooboo, that was very well said!

I am open to the possibilities of marriage again and becoming moreso as my duties as a full-time mother have significantly decreased. My girls are grown now and I have more time and energy to devote to a partner again.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 44
What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/14/2010 5:46:14 AM
As simple as it can be,,,,,



When I am I will want to be married, not for the money or what the goverment can do for me, but I will want him to stand up and say she is mine and I am hers


YOU need this to confirm YOUR love for YOUR man. So be it.

Now,,,on the other hand,,,,some don't need this confirmation made in a public domain.

Again,,,,what is YOUR problem with this??????
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 46
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What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/14/2010 6:56:35 AM

...I think that would change the minds of a few men and make them more receptive to marriage.

The idea of eliciting desirable male behavior simply does not occur to very many women.

It's just not part of that Cinderella complex / fairytale thing swirling around in and filling up their minds.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 47
What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/14/2010 6:58:47 AM

As to any one else directing their comments directly to me



What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?


YOU seem to have a problem with people that don't want to act the way YOU want them to.Then you post a question in a public forum. How and whom do YOU think we should direct our comments too???????

You will figure it out sooner or later,,,or not,,,,but people are gonna do what they want and you and your beliefs are not gonna change them. At least not in this day and age and the way you are trying to go about it..........
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 49
What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/14/2010 8:19:09 AM
^^^pfffffft...that's like saying that because one person likes sky diving and the other doesn't that the one who doesn't has....baggage. People's desires or lack of desire is purely a preference, no matter what is the deciding factor for that preference.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 51
What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/14/2010 8:42:49 AM
Maybe some of ya should truely figure out what " baggage" is. What an overly used and abused word/statement.

If someone experinces something in their past and has personally concluded that they never want to act out that experince again,,,,people assume that IS baggage.

Healing and learning and moving on,,,doing exactely the same thing all over again is what I call conflicting statements. You obviously didn't learn much if you repeat your actions which ended up hurting yourself,,,,AGAIN.

Ya never see a child continually put their hand on that stovetop do ya. And some say you can't learn from children.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 53
What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/14/2010 9:00:10 AM
Respect,trust, love, compassion is not a preference but should be , a prerequisite in any healthy partnership! and no i don't skydive! lol

Sweetheart, I'm in total agreement that respect, trust, love and compassion is a prerequisite in any healthy partnership, however, you don't have to have marriage to still have that. Marriage itself is a preference. You don't sky dive because you aren't interested in it. You have weighed different criteria for why you haven't even tried it and if you had tried it and decided not to do it again, it's still a preference - it's not baggage.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 54
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What in the world did I have to do with your last marriage?
Posted: 2/14/2010 9:11:36 AM

"I tried to do a thread search on this and found nothing so here it goes.."

OP, if you put 'marriage' into the forum search bar with the 'thread name' option, you get a whole page of threads with the word marriage in them......I scrolled down and half way down that page, there are several recent threads discussing this exact issue....

Anyway...it seems quite understandable to me some men (and some women too) don't want to risk losing what little they have salvaged of themselves after so often experiencing in this country totally destructive divorces with crippling alimony/child support payments, never mind the emotional devastation.

You suggest a pre-nup can fix all that....I'm not so sure....

Also, consider not taking it personally... it's probably not about you at all. :)
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