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 GeorgiaRedhead
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 1
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Does the age or number of childrenPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
play a part in if you will date a single parent? I'm a single parent and I know that someone with a lot of kids would be a deal breaker for me, just a personal preference.

I have a 14 month old daughter and I know that to some me having a daughter this young is a deal breaker and I do understand. Though the assumption that a single parent is looking for another parental figure for their child, this assumption is very bigger the younger the child is, in my experience.

There are pros/cons to dating people with older or younger children, it seems you can make a case for both sides. I am curious for those who do actually date single parents does the age or number of children they have play a part?
 thatusernameistaken
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 2
Does the age or number of children
Posted: 2/18/2010 10:52:52 AM
Put me in the group that wouldn't date anyone with kids much younger than my own. I've been through the diaper - toddler - kindergarten stage and am not interested in going through it again.

The number of kids may come into play, but I've never been with anyone with more than 2 kids so I don't know for sure on that one.
 mcalgary
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 3
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Does the age or number of children
Posted: 2/18/2010 10:53:40 AM
I really doesn't matter to me. Some may want someone to only have time for them and a child may get in the way of that but I would never date someone like that.

There are many other factors that people would look at when it comes to feeling like they would have to be a parental figure like:
1. Is the father involved. If he is then that would make them feel less like you are looking for another parental figure.
2. How quickly you intoduce this child into the relationship. If you bring the child in too quickly these fears may come up.

Overall I haven't had any of these problems and the only people that have had an issue with my kids are a couple of people who wanted my total attention, all the time, and that annoyed me more than my kids did them.
 CMonster
Joined: 12/4/2004
Msg: 4
Does the age or number of children
Posted: 2/18/2010 11:00:40 AM
Typically the availability of single parent is the primary factor (at least initially) in determining whether they are datable. Usually, parenting very young or multiple children takes much of the time of a single parent. When starting a possible relationship, the amount of quality time spent between the couple on a consistent basis is very important in promoting growth; much like what is necessary for children. Seems like a catch-22 situation.
 Irish Eyez
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 5
Does the age or number of children
Posted: 2/18/2010 11:35:28 AM
I've been through the part of playing 'mum' again to younger children and personally, I am through with it. I don't want to go there again and won't date men who've much younger children.

I prefer to date men with grown up children.
 GeorgiaRedhead
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 6
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Does the age or number of children
Posted: 2/18/2010 12:16:11 PM
GB, how would I be putting the cart before the horse? Honestly it would take a lot for me to introduce my daughter to someone I'm dating, I wasn't implying that she would play a part in the initial dating. Though I do believe you have to be honest about your situation, meaning it's a limited schedule, typical things that can occur when you have a young child.

I find it disturbing if someone lies/omits huge aspects of their life, like having children. I wouldn't do that to someone, though I know people tend to have the mentality if I get them to like me then tell them they won't care mentality.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 7
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Does the age or number of children
Posted: 2/18/2010 12:52:18 PM
The number could be an issue for me as can the age. As a full time single parent it has been easier for me to date women with out kids or women with kids close to the same age of my children. Unlike some posters my kids have never had a problem meeting any of the women I date and when the kids are around the same age doing things together is just easier. Going to the beach or the theme park water park or a movie with kids of vastly different ages can complicate things as they all want to do way different rides, things or are not interested at all. Just getting the kids to get along can be hard, but when they are way different in age it can be impossible. If a women does not want to be around my kids or me to be around her kids, together time becomes more work then it is worth. I have to agree with the other poster, that quality time together is important. If a women does not have much free time and is not looking for an exclusive dating relationship, I do not mind only hooking up off and on. Not many single moms fall into this group, as most want an exclusive thing even when they can not provide much together time and that is a big no go for me.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 8
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Does the age or number of children
Posted: 2/18/2010 1:02:35 PM
I had my youngest at 35 so I do not consider you to old to have a toddler. LOL
But perhaps the concern is that you decided only a few months ago to have a child alone. Most people would consider 35 to be old enough to be very responcible with birth control or attached strongly enough to a man that after remaining childless for so long that you chose to carry his child. The issue may be more to do with the time frame in which you are looking to date again.
 GeorgiaRedhead
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 9
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Does the age or number of children
Posted: 2/18/2010 1:13:14 PM
Wow Carol, there are a lot of assumptions inhere. First off my situation isn't anything that you infered but interesting that you would start spouting such theories without having a clue. Just like it takes more then one person to have a child it takes two people making their choices regarding that child. I really don't think that was brought up in the original post.

The general question was does it matter not, do you go into great detail and assumptions when you meet a single parent.
 GeorgiaRedhead
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 10
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Does the age or number of children
Posted: 2/18/2010 1:14:37 PM
Ok Gb, I was trying to figure out where I put the horse in front of the cart in my original post. It seems you and I have similar opinions on where children fit into dating and protecting them from popping people in and out of their lives, which tends to cause confusion.
 myrgth
Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 11
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Does the age or number of children
Posted: 2/18/2010 3:03:18 PM
The age and number doesn't really impact whether or not I would date someone. It would impact whether or not I could or would get serious about them and have a possible relationship with them.

I may date and have fun with someone on occasion but it really can't get to the serious stage if they don't have much time, money or energy left over after parenting and bluntly, those with young kids or many kids will be the group that often doesn't have much time, money or energy. If they do, then odds are I am not going to respect them enough to want to continue because they aren't taking care of their responsibilities and obligations of being a parent. Kind of a double edged sword but it is what it is.
 GeorgiaRedhead
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 12
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Does the age or number of children
Posted: 2/18/2010 3:32:59 PM
Just curious why that assumption that someone who has young kids is financially irresponsible? Yes, there tend to be single moms on welfare but that is not always the case for everyone.

Why would you loss respect for someone who knows how to budget and take care of their children?
 myrgth
Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 13
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Does the age or number of children
Posted: 2/18/2010 4:13:21 PM
I either didn't word it well or you have misread. I don't assume someone is financially irresponsible just because they have kids - young or old. I do assume (and know from first hand experience) how expensive children can be. So if someone works a regular job with a modest income but they have loads of cash to splash around on their personal life while they can't afford family vacations, family outings, extracurricular activities at school - then yes, to me, that is irresponsible. If they are on welfare, even more so.

The loss of respect comes into it when they do not know how to budget their money and they aren't taking care of their children financially as they should. For example, I had a man approach me who on the surface appeared fairly decent. Good job, well dressed, nice manners, etc. He is divorced, has 2 small children. He has them every other weekend - not a huge deal as time restraints go. As we are getting to know each other I observe how well he is living. Nice care, nice apt, nice clothes, expensive and fun dates... and yet he is over a year behind in child support. He doesn't keep his children in the same standard that he, himself, is living on or off the books. How can one respect that?

Same goes with time. The more time a person spends on their personal life, the less time they are spending with their family. Sure, there is a healthy balance that can exist (again, from first hand experience) but someone who spends more time on themselves than their family has different priorities than I and we wouldn't be a good match. Small children need much more time than older ones. Someone willing to forfeit that time isn't someone I can respect.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 14
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Does the age or number of children
Posted: 2/18/2010 5:40:50 PM
It's not necessarily the assumption of eventually taking on a parenting role, it is the time intensive nature of younger children. Older children come with their own bag of stuff, emotional upset with the hormones.

I would like to stick to someone with kids my children's ages or older but I wouldn't overlook someone with younger children. I think when kids are older, out of the house or nearly, the number of kids is not as big a deal as if you were blending two young families.

I don't think it is shallow to note that you wouldn't want to have a relationship with a man with many kids because a component of that is just admitting what you will or will not have the energy to deal with should the relationship go long-term.
 OSUguy99
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 15
Does the age or number of children
Posted: 2/18/2010 8:05:50 PM
seeings how im relatively young, id imagine the kid would be young, and i still have plenty of options as far as childless ladies in my dating demographic. it would probably be a hard sell for me generally, but anything over 1 kid would be an absolute dealbreaker. plus if i got involved with a single parent i would want to raise it as if it were my own, and the fad today for women is to say their not looking for a father, which would further deter me from it.
 GeorgiaRedhead
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 16
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Does the age or number of children
Posted: 2/18/2010 8:30:45 PM
I don't think it's a fad to say you're not looking for a father for your child, I think it's honest. Just because you aren't looking for a father for your child doesn't mean getting seriously involved with someone they wouldn't play a part in the child's life.

I think so many times people assume a single parent is looking for someone to support their child or for help, therefore no looking for a relationship for the right reasons, does that make sense?

It's like a bonus if you find someone, fall in love and then that person loves your child. Not being with someone just because you want another parent for your child, in a lot of cases there is already a father involved.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 17
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Does the age or number of children
Posted: 2/18/2010 9:17:11 PM
OSU I would also not call it a fad because the word has a rather tacky connotation in this context but also because I don't believe it to be true. Speaking for myself and I believe many parents, not just women, you want to let the person know that your kids are just fine, whether the other parent is involved or not, just that the emphasis is on finding a good partner not getting an insta-parent for the kid.

Certainly anyone getting into a long-term relationship would hope that their SO would develop a good relationship with their child(ren) and this would be a quasi-parental role after time. It's going to develop naturally, so I think that is why people make that comment about not looking for a parent for their child, many men say the same.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 18
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Does the age or number of children
Posted: 2/19/2010 6:33:43 AM
Jesus lady calm down. You've shot down everyone's comments so far when you disagree or do not like what you are hearing. You asked if someone would have issues with you having a 14 month old and trying to date. Those were the issues I immediately thought of.
After remaining childless for 34 years you decided to have a child with a man. Guys will want to know why him and why you are not still together after such a short period of time. They will ask about the fathers involvement and speculate on the chance of reconciliation. These questions will come into play with any man that decides to date you.
 GeorgiaRedhead
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 19
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Does the age or number of children
Posted: 2/19/2010 8:12:06 AM
I would think past relationships and marriages would come up in any relationship, I don't think that is something that is only discussed by single parents. I think the possibility of getting back with an ex, depending on how old the break up is, is a fear of a lot of people. Isn't one of the first questions you ask someone you could be interested in, what happened in your last relationship?

I do think you are assuming anger/bitterness in my replies, I don't really see where they are negative. The truth is if someone had issue with my daughter,I wouldn't date them, that's pretty simple, as I assume would be the case with the majority of parents. My original post was just being curious as to what limits people have has far as dating someone with kids.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 20
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Does the age or number of children
Posted: 2/19/2010 11:06:53 PM
I agree that it is a question not limited to dating but I also don't think most people in a dating situation are asking to gauge whether the person still is hung up on their ex, etc. When I ask the question it is because that would be a component of me getting to know anyone. Regardless of the social situation, the only way I have found to get to know people is ask questions and if someone was married or with someone for years I am going to ask them what happened.

With a guy I am dating in addition to just getting their general back story I can see whether they still seem to have an attitude about the ex, what situation they were in, what role they feel they played in the marriage going south and what they have done since to put their life back together again. Do they have a decent working relationship with their ex for the kids or is the ex a pain in the rear.

Normally the answers to that question would probably not give me pause but one guy told me about his divorce, he fought for custody, had the money and power in the situation it seemed. He also mentioned that he had forced her, in order to keep seeing the children at all, to give him permission to move the kids out of state. At no point did he indicate that the woman was a horrendously poor parent, that he felt at all badly for taking the kids away from their mother or that he did anything to facilitate a good relationship with their mother. The whole thing creeped me out, he seemed a control freak that would do whatever he wished to get what he wanted.
 GeorgiaRedhead
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 21
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Does the age or number of children
Posted: 2/21/2010 9:45:08 AM
Ok IM, thanks I was thinking the remarks are very offensive as well. Not sure why she has such an angry opinion with single mothers or mothers that have children in their 30s. Reading other of her posts in threads she has an issue with all of this that really has nothing to do with me.
 hotmamma5point0
Joined: 2/15/2010
Msg: 22
Does the age or number of children
Posted: 2/24/2010 6:58:58 AM
Given I LOVE kids and can usually relate to them whatever their age, number and ages will not phase me. I have a few myself between the ages of sixteen and four and found once you get past three kids, its noisy no matter what, so it really does not matter! If I can click with a man, his kids are a part of him and I hope we would be able to work it all out.
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