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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > How do I tell my son Daddy's not coming back home to us.      Home login  
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 SaraCuteMama
Joined: 1/28/2010
Msg: 2
How do I tell my son Daddy's not coming back home to us.Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
be 100 percent honest not in a crude way i mean i have seen many different tools parents have used myself my son is 19 months his father has never seen him so he doesnt understand meaning of mommy and daddy he just knows mommy and granpa and uncle.

some of the ways

1. parent a says to her daughter you dont have a dad but you have mommy,nana,grandpa,grandma who love you.

2. parent b explains to her daughter hunny your dad had many things he needed to figure out and he was just not ready to be a dad but I love you very much and will always love you.

3. parent c waited until child came and asked and flat out said daddy left and wont be coming back but I am always here for you.

4. parent d explains to child that it didnt work out between mommy and daddy but its not child fault but both mommy and daddy are there for him/her and both parents love the child.

I hope this helps a little bit
 DOWNTOWNGEORGE
Joined: 11/2/2007
Msg: 3
How do I tell my son Daddy's not coming back home to us.
Posted: 2/20/2010 8:43:42 PM
Tell his Dad to "Man Up" and tell the kid!..omg Let dad be the one to tell him hes leaving and why....he told you,didnt he?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 4
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How do I tell my son Daddy's not coming back home to us.
Posted: 2/20/2010 10:27:22 PM
No one can really answer this for you because we don't know what your son can and cannot understand in comparison to a three-year-old that is not autistic.

Have you considered asking a therapist or child development specialist? As with all kids, it is best to be as honest as possible, provide enough information so that he will understand but not too much because particularly I am assuming with an autistic child, too much information will only confuse him.

I know you are having a tough time but six months is a bit of a while to adjust. Maybe you need to really accept that he isn't coming back before you try to tell your son?
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 6
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How do I tell my son Daddy's not coming back home to us.
Posted: 2/21/2010 5:21:52 AM
Have you offered visits to the father? Visits not at your house or with you. It might not be his son he is avoiding, it might just be you. He might think your still pissed off about him hooking up with the 18 year old a few doors down. Is she hot too? Just let that go and tell him you just want him to rember his son. He has not asked for a divorce, because when that happens he will get hit with support. Hello. You need to take care of that, but that should not effect your offer and your keeping the door open to him visiting with his son away from you. As far as letting your son know daddy is not coming home, just let your son know that your home is no longer his dads home, but some day he might visit, but you do not know if he will or not. Lots of women get left for other women, stop will not help you or your son.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 7
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How do I tell my son Daddy's not coming back home to us.
Posted: 2/21/2010 7:53:02 AM
You need to file for divorce. Forget the Dad's and the GF's drama, and take care of your child. The father is nearby and an adult, let him be the father he is even if it just means a weekly check. Keep the open door policy and allow him time to nurture the relationship with his kid. It does not have to be your financial burden alone. Get off your duff and fix this problem.
 rdaily941
Joined: 8/30/2008
Msg: 8
How do I tell my son Daddy's not coming back home to us.
Posted: 2/21/2010 4:59:59 PM
Just be honest with the kid...
 BrodyWal
Joined: 1/21/2010
Msg: 11
How do I tell my son Daddy's not coming back home to us.
Posted: 2/23/2010 5:38:26 PM
I agree with the poster above to say daddy loves you. I have raised my 8 year old on my own sence he was 4 months old. With little or no contact from his mother for the first 6 1/2 years. I believe that it would be the most beneficial to your son to believe his dad loves him completely. After all it is all about your son. I told my son often that his mother loves him very much, she just isnt able to be here right now.
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 14
How do I tell my son Daddy's not coming back home to us.
Posted: 2/25/2010 6:57:20 AM

The only thing that I know to tell him is Daddy loves you baby!


Why, why, why, would you tell a kid that someone who abandoned them, loves them? Thats not love, not even close to it. Do you want your son to think that loves means deserting your children and not putting their feelings and best interests first?

I tell my kids i love them.

I also back it up. By housing them, feeding them, clothing them, nurturing them, having hugs and kisses and encouraging loving words at the ready, being available to them,being a stable and secure force in their life, and physically and emotionally being there for them.

Do you want your son to think that that is how you treat people you love?

In my book thats not love, and it is a huge disservice to the c hild to tell them that is love.


I know that some where in the man he does care and love his son...

No he doesnt. If he did, your son would not be crying over him wondering where he is.
Pretty screwy notions of what love is some people have
 myblueshadow
Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 15
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How do I tell my son Daddy's not coming back home to us.
Posted: 2/25/2010 9:40:54 AM

I told my son often that his mother loves him very much, she just isnt able to be here right now.

But it's a lie!! You are giving your son false hope that she isnt able to be here right now which infers that she will be there later on. As your son ages the strength he will put everything on is knowing you love him and that he can trust you completely.


How do you know it’s a lie? Love can be an emotion. You can love someone and still not make good choices. You help the child to separate the two things. Just like any emotion. I can be angry and not lash out. I can be sad and not cry. You don’t tell a child that the parent loves them and love means hurt, abandonment, etc. You show them the difference. You love them and you are still there.

The reality is that sometimes parents “hurt” their children. Parents make mistakes, forget a special occasion, get angry and yell about something, have to disappoint them about something, have to say no to something the child really wants. The lesson is that despite the external behavior, the parent still loves them! Younger children, especially, are not able to separate being LOVED from being LOVABLE. That is what you are reassuring them of when you tell them daddy/mommy still loves you, they just don’t know how to make good choices.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 18
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How do I tell my son Daddy's not coming back home to us.
Posted: 2/25/2010 9:52:25 PM

So basically, you plant the idea in the child's head that he/she has one parent who doesn't love them-which then leads to the child being scared that the parent who IS there for them and DOES love them will someday stop loving them, just like the absent parent did. Me, I'd rather "lie" and let my child gradually figure out the truth on her own as she grew up and was better able to handle it.

You DO NOT lie to your children. You cannot keep children from having fears of abandonment, most do at some point whether they have two active caring parents or some other situation in their lives. We tend to want to reassure our children that we won't die but hellooo, if you do, how are they to cope with it when you promised them that you would always be there for them?

No one can do that, something that my family became painfully aware of when I nearly died.

There are ways to side-step actually telling the kid that mom or dad loves them when they are not a part of their life. You need to figure out the age-appropriate truth that allows the child to maintain self-esteem while living with the reality of his/her life.

My ex doesn't go to any of the school functions, has never seen any of the three kids in a school program and can barely bother to attend a couple of ballgames during a season with at least a dozen game for each of my sons. When my daughter was around eight and I started yet again to make an excuse about why he wasn't there it hit me full force that my kids were too smart for that. If I continued to lie about why there father couldn't be bothered doing whatever, I would lose my credibility with the children and in either case wasn't doing them any favors. As he was still living with us at the time I told my daughter that her father loves her but doesn't realize that it is important for him to be there for those moments.

The situation is not easy for my kids but I have not bad-mouthed their father and it certainly is better for them that we aren't leaving that topic as the huge elephant in the room. Because I dealt with the situation honestly, I can try to help my children deal with how this makes them feel.

GBockers is absolutely correct, there is a neutral stance that can be taken.

That said, the OP has a special needs child and as none of us know the extent to which the autism impairs his reasoning, we can give no specific advice for handling this. OP pretty much has to figure out what will work for her and for her son.
 golfoasis
Joined: 8/30/2008
Msg: 21
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How do I tell my son Daddy's not coming back home to us.
Posted: 2/26/2010 11:58:47 PM
I will be his dad and never disapoint him like that. Todd
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 22
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How do I tell my son Daddy's not coming back home to us.
Posted: 2/27/2010 6:45:50 AM
As a father of a multiply handicapped child myself, my advice is to take things one at a time. Autism is a category of a wide group of challenges, and not a specific set of limits that anyone can predict anything about, so each parent of an autistic child must find their own way.
In my case, my son can't speak as well, so I don't even know if he DOES wonder why mom and dad don't live in the same house anymore. However, the "normal" children have asked their own questions, as they occur to them, and I have responded honestly, and that is working for them.

The greatest CAUTION I would give you, is to watch out very carefully that you aren't projecting your OWN emotions about the situation into the child. You have great and understandable anger towards the father. It might be tempting to want to sit down and explain your own side of things to you child, not for HIS sake, but to protect yourself from the possibility that he will somehow blame you for dad being gone.
Has your autistic child ASKED about his father? If he does, answer the exact question he asks, as factually as you can. Don't say, for example, that "your father isn't home because he wants to play with that chippy down the hall, and neglect us." If your son asks where dad is, and you actually know where he is at that moment, answer factually: "he's in the other apartment." Let your son figure out himself what is what. Anything more, and you will be trying to decide FOR YOUR SON what he should believe and feel about his father.
Getting the father to spend more time with his son is a separate issue. It sounds as though your first step should be to initiate divorce proceedings yourself, since your husband hasn't. Your emotional post suggests that you may be tempted to try to use guilt about your child as a manipulative tool to try to force your husband to do as you wish, and that is VERY unwise. Instead, the divorce procedure will include establishing his legal responsibilities in a much healthier, less emotional way. The divorce will ALSO set up boundaries between you and him which will BOTH serve to protect you and your child AND will actually HELP the father to know what he CAN do to go on with his life, and spend time with his son, without fear of being trapped into things he doesn't want to be in.
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