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Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 1
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Do We Attract Our Parents?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Now that I have your attention, let me qualify:

I don't mean that we LITERALLY attract and are attracted to our parents, but do you feel that everyone we like or who likes us is really a lot like one of our parents? And, if so, why do you think this is?

Maybe there's a certain comfort and familiarity there...our parents were the first and longest-lasting source of love we received on this planet...maybe it's just comfortable.

I find that I'm a whacky mix of my two parents. My dad's a very deep, laid-back, methodical type who likes to think things through, and is not prone to wild emotion, but is frequently moody for no apparent reason. My mom is completely the opposite; hard-driving, intense, hyper, can't sit still for a minute, always talking. It's what drew them together in the first place.

I find I want to be with someone more like my dad. I love my mom, but I couldn't live with her. She's just too hyper and too overbearing. Guess which type I attract? My mom. The types like my dad aren't interested. I guess put two laid-back types together and nothing happens. There's got to be some sparks, some anger, if you will, to create sexual tension. But, emotionally, I find my mom's type to be suffocating and damaging to my psyche emotionally.

How about you?
Joined: 9/20/2007
Msg: 2
Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/22/2010 9:09:28 AM
I've heard the theory that you marry your mother, too. I find it a load of pigeon holing psychobabble.

I'm a mix of my parents, as well. Good and bad mix.

My friends with the best marriages all say things like, "Oh, my god, he's just like my father,"/"Yes, MOM!" when the few events show up. Maybe there's some truth to the marry a parent theory.

I attract two kinds of people. One of them is nothing like either of my parents and the other has coincidental similarities.

I liked my parents, so it makes sense the people I like will be similar.
I have four basic friends, too. Most of them fit into one of four categories and that seems to make sense, too.

But, maybe it is because I haven't met the mom or dad clone that I haven't settled down with my soul mate.
Joined: 10/28/2009
Msg: 3
Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/22/2010 9:11:18 AM
LMFAOOOOOO. No way in hell is anyone that I have ever dated is even remotely like my Pops. I guess it is safe to say that he is a role model and I SHOULD be dating men with his qualities.
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 4
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Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/22/2010 9:19:46 AM
Well, glad some of you folks have "left the cradle" so to speak. Me, I venture out into other types, and they're just a little weird and confusing for me. The ones who like ME are just like my mother, fiercely driven, hyper, can't sit still for a minute, talkaholics, but very loving. But I don't really want to marry my mother. Now, the female equivalent of my dad, whom I find pretty? Oh, hell yes! I'd be smitten!

My dad and I are best budspals. He's a bit moody at times, but I like his laid-back, honorable Ohio sensibility. He's a man of supreme honesty and integrity, a pillar of strength. He was even called "Jesus Christ" by some of the ladies in their condo. Yes, I'm looking for someone a lot like my dad. He's very intelligent, a slow, methodical thinker who really takes his time to understand something or make me understand something. Yes, I'd marry someone like my dad.

My dad's already said that, if he outlives my mother, he won't even LOOK for another woman. Guess he wants some peace lol.
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 5
Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/22/2010 9:26:53 AM
Lol. I've heard this often. And as negative thing for women..the reason they can't have a good relationship is because they keep being attracted (figuratively) to their dads.

I never have , ever. Until last fall when I went out with a guy who reminded me of my dad in some (negative) ways. I blew it off. But then, after we stopped dating , I found out he is actually the same horoscope sign as my dad. And silly as it sounds, I've never dated an aries and though I get along with them fine as friends...never ever saw it going well romantically. I steer clear of my 'dad' , as he was emotionally stymied and stingy, very very selfish, very very controlling, a bully due to insecurities, not ethical at all, virtually heartless, and just not the type of man I'd want in my life, even if he hadn't hurt me so badly as a child. And from aries men because I simply cannot relate to them , communicate with them. So. Yeah. No more aries boys for me. Next guy that reminds me of my dad, I'm keepng some tennis shoes in my car...just in case ;-) Silly thing..I've been getting approached on here by a lot of aries men lately. Weird. And it seems kind of odd to me...oh, sorry you're an Aries, we'd never work anyway so I can't go out with you , lol. But yep. Not happening =)
 sleeping beauty
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 6
Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/22/2010 9:27:57 AM
what i know is that if you have some unhealed issues like most of us: you attract someone with whom you can recreate similar dynamics that you had with either of your parents so you can heal yourself. as an adult there are many choice we can make that we couldn't as a child.

so for example if one parent was absent often during your childhood and it caused you to take on some hurt feeling or whatever emotions......then you find someone who eventually starts not being available emotionally or physically after the relationship has solidified and you have bonded. so you get to go into those lovely emotions again, feel them, release them and tell the person to their face that you deserve better, adios! and then hopefully you don't need to recreate that dynamic again.

when we receive a physical injury our body does everything it can to heal it.....a miraculous concert of efforts to heal ourselves. our emotional body will do the same thing. if there are suppressed emotions (aka baggage) inside of us, we will subconsciously attract the right situation to heal ourselves.
Joined: 1/27/2010
Msg: 7
Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/22/2010 9:32:29 AM
I cannot lie...a lot of the men I have dated turn out to be just like my dad and not in a good way. I go to the opposite extreme and date my dad's opposite and I end up not respecting the guy much.....I need to find a happy medium..the guy with my dads GOOD qualities plus the ones he was lacking....nothing worse than dating a guy or a girl with unresolved mommy/daddy issues...I try not to be that chick....sometimes you end up there without noticing and when that happens I try to examine how and why and see if anything is salvageable and if not....get the heck outta Dodge!
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 8
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Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/22/2010 9:32:56 AM
One more note and then I'll let others take over:

Interesting, gals!

Sleeping beauty, in my case, my dad was an IBM engineer, and, while we were cordial, he was never really nor is very openly affectionate. My mom was the disciplinarian, very work-oriented, she cries readily, but she too has trouble giving extended hugs. So, you can see how I myself have become a kind of emotionally guarded person, until I really feel comfortable being close to someone, and then I simply adore her.
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 9
Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/22/2010 9:34:04 AM
I think it has something to do with the familiarity of the interaction style, on a subconscious level. Personally, my father was a very heavy drinker, and I knew first hand the issues that creates in relationships and families, so I consciously steered away from that type, but in doing so, I ended up married to a male version of my mother. The "i do everything for everyone and no one could ever possibly show me enough appreciation to be worthy of all that I am" martyr type.... It took me almost 10 years to even recognize the similarities, though. One day after an argument, it suddenly dawned on me that the only other person who had ever had the power to frustrate me to that extent was my mother. And the similarity in thier personalities was in the form of constant, subtle struggles to dominate and take the "upper hand" position, under the guise of 'trying to break free from the victim position'. I think the interaction just never struck me as being strange in the beginning, because I was so conditioned to being treated like that by people who 'loved' me... it just felt normal.
We do tend to gravitate towards the familiar.
 sleeping beauty
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 10
Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/22/2010 9:40:02 AM
do you think you might have any unresolved emotions from you childhood? if so you may attract a woman that may help you get in touch with this and it may not be an easy thing.

i have had 2 ltrs with absolutely wonderful loving men. and i have also had shorter term relationships with men that got me in touch with unhealed parts of myself. thats the beauty of it, we really don't know what our subconsious minds have in store for us.

hopefully your next relationship will be great and you will not be recreating any dynamics you had with your parents. but you are going to do what you need to do, only your subconscious knows for sure.
Joined: 11/7/2008
Msg: 11
Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/22/2010 9:52:56 AM
I would be honored to even MEET a man like my father!
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 12
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Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/22/2010 9:57:30 AM
I actively seek men different from my father(looks, personality, astrological sign, etc.). I spent years trying to be close to the man, trying to see the good in him, and all. But after a while I realized how much of a non-role model he was for male relationships, and that in the end he was the proto-type for what I did not want in a relationship. But he did teach me how players can date multiple partners at the same time(he is rarely dating less than 2-3 women at the same time, each thinking they are the only one), clues to look for in a player, how to play games(might be why I despise them so), and he made me extremely leary of single parents(his child was his cover for going out with other women). He was a lot of fun to be around, but not much depth. I would really like to find the opposite of him. LOL

As for my mom? Love the woman, but to date someone like her personality wouldn't be fun either.

I will admit there are attributes of both though that are attractive in a partner, but too many of them would be a red flag in the end.
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 13
Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/22/2010 10:01:18 AM
old stuff and not rocket science.

In many case, its a variable of the Oedipus complex in people with self identity issues.

Such people will look for what is familiar or at least will use their base reference to either select or reject a mate; "Mom was like this and I like this, therefore a woman should be like this and like this" going further into that reasoning: the guy end up dating a copy of his mother. The invert of that variable confirm it all so often. In heavier to extreme cases, the individual will even foster hostility (counsciouly or not) toward the parental unit of his own sex while be over protective of the parent of the opposite sex. In very few cases, the role will be inverted and the person will "side" with the parent of the same sex (identity carbon effect, if I can use that expression, "want to be like him/her")

What do I think of it personally? take some and leave some:
To give a general idea: Will I want my mate to have the good qualities that my mother had? Of course! Not because my mother had them, but because I know what good can came out of those qualities!

So yes, am using my parents and my childhood experiences as a referral or as a basis, Yes my parental unit was a great influence on whom I am today and have contributed for me to be inclined toward something or to like certain or specific things as am familiar with them, but it does not mean that I want my mate to be like my parents!


The invert is also the confirmation and also happen quite often: in case of a negative influence, the person will thrive "not to be as", or will select a partner who is "not as".
Joined: 12/11/2009
Msg: 14
Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/22/2010 10:37:59 AM
Yes, you do. Women go for guys, subconsciously, like their fathers, while men go for women, subconsciously, like their mothers. The exception is where they hate that parent and actively seek out someone who is the exact opposite. This has applied to all my friends and 9 times out of 10 when I meet a gf's father, I'm exactly like him. If I'm not, the relationship usually doesn't last.
 Juste moi Danielle
Joined: 7/8/2009
Msg: 15
Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/22/2010 10:49:40 AM
I basically agree with post/er # parents and family unit is more a point of reference to me, a base model....there were great things my parents did, both as a couple and individually that raised the bar for me and everyone else, but that doesn't mean I'm looking for my dad in a partner or that I want my relationship or my life to be like theirs.

Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 16
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Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/22/2010 11:07:59 AM
> Do We Attract Our Parents?

I wish!

When I first saw my mom's high school graduation photo, at about age 35, I thought to myself "Geez, she was a total babe!". Of course they had their pictures taken by professional portrait photographers back then. But, even at age 60+ she had (really old) guys going gaga over her.

One of my three sister's husbands was so much like my dad when I first met him it was downright eerie. Everyone commented on it (privately). So, yea, it happens.
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 17
Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/22/2010 11:32:51 AM

I tend to think your mother's overbearing nature has psychologically affected you to the point that you have a natural aversion to her personality-type.

While I think our parents shape us, I definitely don't agree with your theory.

The type of women I go for are nothing like my mother or father, thankfully.

There's nothing like a submissive woman with a touch of fire....

Leave it to Pook to come up with the introspective threads.

Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 18
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Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/22/2010 11:34:25 AM
Do you attract them or of those you attract, those are the ones you choose to actually talk to, go out with, date. I think I married both of mine, lol, but I suspect when we do seek out these people it is because there are unresolved issues with your parents on some level or you are trying to replicate something that in your case, sounds like it worked. So maybe a part of your brain thinks this is the kind of chick my dad's been happy with....
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 19
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Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/22/2010 1:39:52 PM
As chance would have it, I was just last night conversing with one of my sons about girl-hunting, and attraction, and we noticed that both of us are attracted to people very UNLIKE our mothers. My mom was a dark brown to auburn brunette, and I've usually ended up with everything BUT auburn haired women. My son's mother (my ex, of course) is blond, and he's NEVER attracted to blonds. Neither is his brother.
I grew up hearing ancient songs like the one with the line about finding a girl, just like the girl who married dear old dad, and saw old movies claiming over and over that guys went after girls who reminded them of their mother. I don't think I've ever actually witnessed it in anyone, but I haven't known all of my friends' parents, so who knows.
I wonder if pheromones are at work in your situation? Perhaps you inherited your dad's P's, and those P's tend to draw girls like your mom to both of you. As many science articles I've read, and direct observations of DNA at work that I've witnessed, I would not be a bit surprised.
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 20
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Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/23/2010 4:03:56 PM
LOL. There may be something to this Oedipus/Ophelia Complex thing, but frankly the whole thing creeps me out way to much to even TRY to apply this theory to my own life. Freakin' Ew! LOL
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 21
Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/23/2010 4:19:20 PM
I married cousin Jimbob, that way I didn't actually have to marry my daddy.
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 22
Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/23/2010 4:21:21 PM
Well,,,at my age my love,admiration,and understanding of what my parents did for me,,,taught me,,,and how the raised me and my siblings,,,,I have no problem being attracted to the same type of people. But,,,because my parents where a little "different" on how they handled all of us,,,I find it harder and harder to find these "types",,,especially in the world we live in today.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 23
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Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/23/2010 6:43:32 PM
Nobody I like or have dated has been anything like my parents. Too creepy.
 wild heart
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 24
Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/23/2010 7:12:00 PM
I would love to meet a guy like my brothers and the men that raised me, but I rarely do.

I meet rich salesmen who haven't a clue how to do any DIY or they don't like kids when the men I' m used to are mechanics, family oriented and blue collar and are not lazy.

My brother cleans the snow off my car for me sometimes - they hold the doors. I was visiting family and my older cousin opened the car door for me and closed it after me and has done this each time he has driven me somewhere LOL.

That's where I come from. The men I grew up with are good men, men who love their families and are there for each other, my father just passed away and there are so many people coming out saying that he helped them, and how good a friend he was. He was easy-going despite having had women treat him like crap - he was not bitter nor has he ever spoken about women like some of the men on here have. I've cried with my grandfather, father and my brothers.

My father taught me alot about men, he told me alot of stories and he has lived all over the US and Canada. He taught me how to let things go and to enjoy life. He loved to laugh and he was very affectionate.

The only time I attract men like that is once they get to know me. Based on looks alone (blonde and thin), I'm sure most can guess the types I attract LOL.

I seek a man who has some of the qualities (good and bad) that come from these men. I don't seek a man who is exactly like my biological father, nor like the man who raised me or like my brothers, I prefer a man who has some of these qualities mixed in with being attractive to me physically (which again is also influenced somewhat by the first men in my life).
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 25
Do We Attract Our Parents?
Posted: 2/23/2010 7:12:44 PM
Nurture vs Nature

You can't help ii if it's genetic but if it is environment you could improve from it, right? LOL

My daddy would punish my siblings and I when we lie or steal as kids. So from that experience, early on you learn to spot a liar in others and take a disliking for those that steal.

My mother was a friendly person, talks to anyone, and very loving to all. She was a very smart woman yet also dumb. She has potentials to have a great education but she fell in love with my dad and dumb to remain in a domestic violence life which it claimed her life eventually.

So, no, I don't look for someone like my parents but would use something learned from parents to avoid a bad a match.
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