|Deadbeat parentsPage 1 of 2 (1, 2)|
|I haven't received any monetary support in 2 years, but that has nothing to do with my kids being able to contact Dad. He may live 1200 miles a way but they both have cell phones and talk to him daily. I avoid him 100%.|
Posted: 2/26/2010 9:54:06 AM
|Lots of sides to this statement of deadbeat parent but as a man you must know that getting sole custody of kids for men is rare unless she abandons them or is completely unfit.|
Many men get shoved off to weekend dads and without the same vigilance of upholding access or custody arrangements as compared to unpaid child support - can you honestly not empathize with someone who may just not have the financial or mental will to fight anymore and see that not confusing a child might be the better way to go?
More times than enough you will see the argument of consistency as a must for younger children. Many times like you say the payor might not have the means but by the time most courts or family systems catch up or acknowlrdge this it is far too late.
Painting the sole custody parent as the hero isn't always justified or fair.
I have had this dialogue with my provinces attorney general and the minister of social services and it seems that they will not stick their neck out to change the current status quo for fear of not being re-elected.
The pat answer I got from them and from the people they refered me to was the same.
Legal Aid will only assist someone who is seeking child support and will avoid cases that involve access or adjustment of support.
Just take a look at the services canada website and follow the links. Sounds and looks promising at first with some hope that as an unemployed payor that someone is looking out for you but as you delve deeper into the system you will see that you are not even on the radar.
You can thread your way through the maze of ontario family lawyers whose ads say they accept legal aid coupons only to find out you can't get one.
So before you start another thread vilifying deadbeat parents ask yourself this - do you really think that all the posters that agree with you here have REALLY done everything they could have to keep the door open to the other parent????
And do you think a court would really fight as hard to uphold those agreements as opposed to crushing payors like bugs?
Posted: 2/26/2010 11:58:31 AM
|OP, a parent choosing not to spend time with their children is an access problem, just a different type than the custodial parent denying access. The poster's point is that it is virtually impossible to MAKE someone be a parent if they do not wish to. |
My ex likely would not describe himself as a deadbeat parent because he pays his child support on time every month, something that I am thankful for. It doesn't help much, however, when his children have been in tears because his idea of involvement is taking the kids to Wal-Mart and not on shopping expeditions for fun stuff, just picking up groceries or things for school which are generally paid for by me.
I don't think of him as a deadbeat dad although I think the term applies because I try to focus on helping my children feel okay about themselves despite their dad's disinterest. I think labeling it is probably more detrimental than beneficial.
Nothing is going to make him, considering I also have a 31-year-old stepson, recognize that he should spend time with his children before they are grown. As my daughter turns 18 this month and my sons 15 and 11, I suspect they will fly the coop without him ever "getting" it either. My mother-in-law passed this summer and I had hoped that would make him stop and think about the relationship he has with his children. Unfortunately he has not changed and likely never will.
My kids accept the limited role he has in their life, hope for better, but know it probably isn't going to happen and that they will have to make decisions as they continue to grow and mature about how much effort they wish to put into a relationship with him. As it stands now, he gets his shorts in a knot if they don't call him for more than two days (he works out of town at least 50% of the time for his job) and doesn't seem to understand that as teenagers they have jobs, and lives. They do still want him in their life and OP it sounds like your children have a good attitude about their situation, they would like their mother to pay more attention to them but recognize that they have one good parent and are lucky for that.
Posted: 2/26/2010 5:12:09 PM
|OP, my daughter has gone to three national competitions with her choir. She is a senior with probably two concerts left. The last time she asked her father if he would come to a concert he actually asked her wasn't enough that he went to some of the boy's games, like she isn't a person, an individual. He wouldn't drive the four blocks to hear his 4-year-old son in a school program, half hour to hour of his life and he chose to sit on the couch and watch television. The next time he had a program I was barely out of the hospital and went toting my oxygen tank again his father chose to sit home and watch television rather than watch his son's program. He has left games in the middle of them, the one or two he does go to in an entire season, one year he attended one game each for each boy, once because he just left for no apparent reason and the other time because neighbors that my kids are close to, adults that he hates, were there and it was more important for him to not be there than to support his son's athletics.|
Calling is a two-way street, the kids do not comment if their father doesn't bother to call them for days. He is a railroad engineer so when he doesn't bother to tell us, we have no idea whether he is at home or on a train. You get used to going about your life and try to remember to contact him when we don't hear from him for a day or two. It is ridiculous to get mad at a child if he hasn't called you for two days when you didn't bother calling him/her. My daughter both wishes she could skip telling her father when her graduation is because he will complain about being there and put a damper on the event for everyone, particularly her. The other part of her is afraid he will know when it is and not show up.
My ex is a parent when it suits him and his children know that their wants and needs pretty much come behind his. I don't really think of him as a deadbeat but he is Captain Convenience when it comes to being a parent but he is reaping what he sows. The children love him and want him in their life no matter how many times he lets them down and even though some of the time they are around him he continues to be verbally and emotionally abusive. The ability to hang up a phone or ask him to leave has made loving their father more bearable. He really doesn't know my 31-year-old stepson and it has nothing to do with his moving away 10 years ago and only being back in this state 150 miles away for nearly two years. My eldest leaves for college in the fall and it won't be long before her brothers are gone too. I have no doubt that even if they wind up moving for school and/or jobs that we will always be close. Their dad, I suspect they will make a greater effort than he will to stay in touch. They hope that he might change, we thought losing his mother over the summer would make him think more about the relationship he has with his kids, but not so much.
It is very sad. We let him know about the kids games and mention the concert if he is home but I would never ask him to go because he would throw a big walleyed fit right in front of the kids or go and complain the whole time about what he would rather be doing. So instead of like yeah, dad went to my thing, they remember that dad didn't want to be there. My parents made their fare share of mistakes but they were always at games, concerts, recitals, school musicals. The first time there was no one at something of that nature to see me specifically was my first concert in college and I felt silly, at 18, it was kind of depressing and I realized how important it had been that my parents WERE there, my mother and father.
Posted: 2/27/2010 6:20:14 AM
|I take it you want to take on the job of Parenting Police for other people. As far as I know, there's no such political position available anywhere, so good luck with it.|
Although I do very much believe that all children should be cared for and cherished, the idea that someone like you, or a community of people can do anything positive by self-righteous griping like this is crap.
I don't know you personally, but the folks I HAVE known who get into diatribes like this have all been the busybody type, who are griping to prop up their own egos. People who actually want to HELP, will gently inquire if they can, and will carefully investigate first WHY a parent isn't participating more in the child's life. There are SO many reasons why it doesn't happen, that have NOTHING to do with the absent person being a bad parent.
I'm glad your children seem to you to enjoy you, and that you are actively trying to be good to them, but I hope you will rethink your VERY uncharitable approach to dealing with other single parents you meet.
Posted: 2/27/2010 8:57:08 PM
|You have a lot to learn the fella. You judge men totally by your own narrow minded ideas. Without knowing any facts behind the scenes. My 2nd ex took off with my kids for 8 years before I got to see them again. By then they was so brainwashed against me any relationship was non existent. My 2nd ex was a " professional Victim type who made it her life's work to make my life as miserable as she could. You and these woman have a lot more living to do before you stand in judgment of non-custodial parents.|
Oh yea please check my spelling as I know how such little things drive you uppity types crazy. TY
Posted: 2/28/2010 7:29:23 AM
"BEWARE: The following people in your community have willfully abandoned their children."
great thing to tell your kids
Why does one have this need to denigrate the the ex? When in reality you are also posting a part of the children on that that list.
Who cares if the children are being cared for and loved! But then there are always those who have this need for retribution or is it validating simply there own perceived self sacrifice?
Posted: 2/28/2010 8:32:53 AM
|Yeah I agree 100% on this, just because you pay the bills doesn't mean you're parent of the year. My cousin has 3 kids one man that she lives with and her "husband" never interacts with the kids. In the 3 1/2 yrs I've been living near them, I have seen him interact with the kids may be a handful of times if that. Everytime he comes home from work, he walks through the house completely ignoring the kids and stays in his back room watching tv. He interacts with the kids 0% throughout the entire week, the only time I see him come out of the room is to use the restroom or get something to eat and he never even acknowledges the kids existence when he is there. |
I never even hear the kids talk about their dad or even mention him, it's as if their dad doesn't exist because he is never there for them and never even interacts with them. It is a shame really because he won't even watch them when she leaves the house to go to the gas station, he makes her take the kids with her so he doesn't have to watch them...even for 5 minutes. I think being a parent has more to do with being their for your kid emotionally, then just to put a roof over their head.
Posted: 2/28/2010 9:24:51 AM
|What do we call the custodial parent who does everything in their power to block access and make it nearly impossible for a non-custodial parent to have a steady, consistent relationship with the child(ren) and then complain about how the non-custodial parent is a deadbeat?|
Posted: 2/28/2010 9:44:01 AM
|Wow. Should I assume you are one of those custodial parents?|
It is on topic, thank you! My point was that people like to blame (and label) the non-custodial parent for everything without looking at the actions of the custodial parent. Sometimes non-custodial parents are trying to make decisions in the best interest of their children and family in the context of the custodial parent's bad decisions!
Posted: 2/28/2010 11:04:21 AM
|Notatowniegirl, I think you need to look at your own tactics before you start making accusations about mine! You attacked my post. I posted an opinion. Just because you don't like or agree with that opinion doesn't give you the right to attack passively or aggressively!|
What my post has to do with the opening post is that people don't make decisions in a bubble. What we do has an affect on other people, positively and negatively. I think all too often non-custodial parents get labeled as deadbeats when in actuality the custodial parent has been the precipator of many decisions. That isn't a playground tactic, it's a grown up reality. If someone continues to start an argument with me and I don't respond, whose wrong in that situation. I have seen men just stop fighting b/c the mom continues to start fights, and the constant fighting has a terrible effect on the child. My point is that doesn't make the dad the deadbeat! It makes him the parent who ultimately cares more about the child. He is the one who doesn't want the child to grow up in a war zone.
Posted: 3/2/2010 3:25:49 AM
|I never understood it either....my ex lives about 8 miles away and has seen his daughter who is now almost 16 years ols less than 5 times in the last 4 years. He made a point when there was division of assets to be in touch with his attorney....|
Thing is I would like him to see her and have called and practically begged him since it was affecting her in a negative way....she felt there was something wrong with her and suffered depression.....but to no avail....also made him aware when she had a life threatening illness...but he never called to check on her...purchased a cell phone so he could call etc. Thing is I am making the efforts for him.
I could care less if he pays child support...in fact have suggested that we forgo it in return for his involvement....still doesn't want her visits.
She also when returning from the 1 hour or less visits ( 5 times) reports that he is very critical of her and mean.....then I had to go pick her up while she was walking from his home.....
Your children are one of your greatest assets you leave behind when you die....everything else doesn't matter....thing is you can't force someone to understand that if they place no value on their children
Posted: 3/2/2010 5:27:12 AM
|Oh Hell Yes...|
I agree the term should not be limited to monetary values. In fact I think we should find a stronger term for the ones who show no interest in their children.
I have not received CS payments for over a year, and my ex does have some time with our children...
We have four of them, 2 in college and 2 in high school... ALL four of my kids call or text me daily... and if or when there is a problem, or just something really cool happens ... my door is the one that is opening, with one of our children walking thru...
So, as frustrated as you may be...the only thing you truly can do, is stay strong for kiddo's and when they get to High School, make sure you buy one of those seat pads... cuz your backside really goes numb after about 30 minutes on the bleachers...
Good Luck to you.
Posted: 3/2/2010 6:39:42 AM
|I am soo on your side of this. My son is soon to be 5 yrs old. He is a specail needs child and I have custody. His mother has been proven unfit by the courts. She has no true interest in anything about her son. She doesn't know anything about him or whats going on in his life. He had surgery on his mouth two months ago( this could have been avoided had she taken him to the dentist while he was in her custody). She never asked about it at all. His theropist and my family advicate have all tried to contact her only to be hung up on. Even when she does have her visitaions she passes him onto his older sister(not my child), or sits him infront of the tv. or video games. I did just start getting child support from her ( untill she quits this job) although the $220 a month doesn't do much for a child like him. Though out this whole time I have tried to talk to her and get her involved. She blows it off. The same as shes done with her two teenage girls( both are always introuble with the law all the time and do drugs and are sexually active and proud of it). As of the first of the year I decided that I am no longer giving her the time of day. I tell her nothing other than what she has to know for his safty.|
In his five years his mother has moved 11 times. Last summer I stopped her visits for two months because his moved and never told me about it. I found out by a third party. Now just last week I find out she was evicted from her place and was staying at a hotel. My attorney and children services both told me I can't deny her visits as long as there a roof over his head. If it were me in a hotel the courts would tell me I can't see him untill I have a steady job and a permenate place to live.
I am going back to court on March 10th to try and get her visits modified to supervised.
Posted: 3/3/2010 4:46:32 AM
|Ask any of the kids of these kind of parents and there will be a common response....they just want the parent to spend time with them.....time spent communicating and being involved equals caring to a kids heart.....most would do without the niceities in their lives .|
I absolutely agree that the term "deadbeat" should be broadened to include these types of parents...to me that's what deadbeat means.
Why do you think the programs big sisters and brothers is so successful at changing a kids life....has nothing at all to do with buying them anything.....but rather doing things with them and spending time listening to how their day has been and what they are dealing with ......their friends, interests,dreams etc. Parenting is more than just providing...it's preparing them for their entry into " the real world" That's where both parents input is invaluable.
But.....you can't force someones involvement.
Posted: 3/3/2010 2:54:11 PM
|My son is 8 me and the father have been split up since he was 1 for 7 yrs he was there for anything and took his son often. He then met a girl that lost custody of her son.. now he doesnt bother with his son at all for well over 2 months.. He had the boy 3 days a week before that. THAT is a dead beat father. to be there for 7 yrs then walk right out of a childs life. He doesnt even call his boy or allow him to know his phone number to be called at. just vanished away from him. no contact no money no nothing. as much as i think its better for my boy to stay away from his dad i STILL email his dad all the time to call or something anything.. to make any child feel unloved and unwanted at 8 yrs of age is wrong and the parent that makes them feel that way is a deadbeat in my eyes. He never paid child support but was there for the boy.. up until a few months ago he wasnt a deadbeat. all over a girl...|
Posted: 3/3/2010 5:01:51 PM
|1hotmama247 yes i know where your coming from with the great ex.. mine was that for 7 yrs.. just in the last yr things have changed.. i was very lucky and so was his boy. but unfortunatly for my son, he not that lucky anymore because he was very close to his dad. only one that suffers there is the boy :-(|
Posted: 3/7/2010 11:39:54 AM
|My daughters father is court ordered to pay child support and he does so, however, I would rather him take part in my daughters life. He absolutely refuses to see her, I dont know how many times he has said that he wanted her on weekends or that he was going to come by and visit with her. She is 16 months old and he has missed all of it. |
He has never come to see her and has never made an attempt to do so. I doubt he even knows her middle name. He lives half an hour away and works about 15 minutes away from where we live and he has never made the attempt. Its sad but I have slowly come to the conclusion that he isnt ever going to be around for her.