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Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 2
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Changing her namePage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I was actually in a similar situation with my ex's ex-girlfriend that got pregnant to try to trap him. She had grown up with a father denying her and while I thought he was wrong, no way in hell would I have saddled my kid with a man's name that didn't want her.

If she isn't going to know her father I would think it would be a source of pain to carry his name instead of yours, I'd change it. If something happens in the future and her dad gets his head out of his butt, pretty easy matter to change it again. Or for that matter, you might meet a man that wishes to adopt her, officially in addition to being her father in his interaction with her.
Joined: 1/19/2010
Msg: 4
Changing her name
Posted: 3/3/2010 10:14:06 PM
I agree, that's your decision to make. If he doesn't want to be your daughter's father why should she have to have his name?

You can change all of y'alls names to "XYZ" if you like, and it's no one's business but your own. Do what makes you happy.
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 5
Changing her name
Posted: 3/3/2010 10:32:21 PM
Until you legally change it, you can also do an assumed name. That's what my daughter does. Legally, she has to use her father's last name, but she goes by mine. The school calls her by my last name and everything. The only time this is ever an issue is when she goes to the doctor or anything medical or legal. I'm waiting till she's a bit older to do a legal name change when she can make the decision herself whether she wants to use mine or his.
Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 6
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Changing her name
Posted: 3/4/2010 7:15:20 AM
In another thread you stated that the father had filed for custody and is seeking visitation, so I'm a bit confused. Changing her name won't prevent him from getting visitation and unless his rights have been taken away from him, I believe you would need his permission to change the name.
Joined: 1/27/2010
Msg: 7
Changing her name
Posted: 3/4/2010 7:49:48 AM
My daughters biological father was in and out of her life the 1st 3 yrs of her life and has been out of her life for 6 yrs now.. His choice not mine.. I already has a son and was divorced.. When I ad my daughter I kept my married name and gave her that name and his name since we were not married.. When school startedI wanted both kids to have the same last names.. So I hunted her dad down and he signed the paper and I paid for the dropping of his last name.. Less confusion at school..
Joined: 1/28/2010
Msg: 8
Changing her name
Posted: 3/4/2010 8:33:15 AM
the way that I saw it was that was a right to be deserved

my baby daddy has never seen my son doesn't want to, didn't come to his birth or court or anything .In the hospital I put my last name there was no way I was going to use his
why your not his dad you never have been there for him or done anything for him...I agree with other posters it is not wrong at all!!!

ps. in cases like mine my baby is a milado baby if you have a mix color baby with a different last name when you travel etc...a lot of the time you would have to prove your the mother I always have to take my soul custody paper with me and show it at the gate!

Your doing a good job mommy
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 9
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Changing her name
Posted: 3/4/2010 8:37:57 AM
Although having the same name is somewhat easier, these days there are so many situations with single moms but the kids have dad's name, blended families wherein the eldest child has a different name than the younger siblings.

I would not make the decision based on what is essentially a convenience but to me, with the situation I dealt with and knowing that this girl who is now 19 has a wonderful stepdad and still has this hole in her heart where her dad should be, my thinking at the time and it hasn't changed obviously, give your child a name that will remind her every day of her life that her dad didn't want to be her father? Um no. If the child develops a relationship with her father when she is older and wishes to change her name to his, be supportive, but if he has signed away his parental rights, changing it to yours makes sense.
Joined: 2/20/2010
Msg: 10
Changing her name
Posted: 3/4/2010 9:11:26 AM
Thought I'd give you a man's perspective:

Do it! As a single father who actually pays his child support & has split custody of his kids, I always fail to understand how some guys just walk away from their parental obligations.

Under my own circumstances, I'd have a problem with a name change 'cause I am an actively involved father in my kids' lives, but IMO, I wouldn't have a leg to stand on if I'd simply walked away when my ex & I split up. Considering how wishy-washy your daughter's father sounds with him going for custody & then pulling a disappearing act, I'd say that you wouldn't be in the wrong at ALL, considering the circumstances. If anything, it could only add a degree of stability to both you & your daughter's lives.
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 11
Changing her name
Posted: 3/4/2010 9:46:37 AM
I have a very unusual divorce and one of my kids wants to take my maiden name when the divorce is final in May and I go back to mine. I've been waffling with this a lot but the kid that wants to do this is 15. I have told "kid" that we would consider it when it actually happened as the divorce turned out to be very slow to get. Like you I have full legal and physical custody and dad has no visitation. I wish I felt as confident of my own decision as I do telling you that I think you should go for it. My final decision on my kid was to say - it's less than a year and you will be 16. If you still want to do it, we will do it then. Kid has stayed solid on this decision for two years which is more than I can say for myself. Either way...once you make your decision be at peace with it - you thought it through and are making the best decision you can with what you have at your disposal to make it with.

Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 12
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Changing her name
Posted: 3/5/2010 4:18:22 AM
The only caution I would give, is to be careful about anything you want to do when your heart if filled with anger. Even the sweetest things can thus be soured.
I like a lot of the advice from those who have done this, especially those who were purely practical about it. I don't know what the dollar cost is to make the change legal, but that would figure into my calculations, if I were considering it, both for the immediate budgeting, and for the vague possibility that the child might want to change it back later.
And no, I would not say it is "wrong of you" to want to do this, my caustion is only about doing it for the wrong reasons.
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 13
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Changing her name
Posted: 3/5/2010 7:51:09 AM
I am actually getting ready to change my daughter's last name to mine also, just waiting for the finally hearing for child support. He will get served with notification and have to give his consent to change her name if he is listed on the birth certificate and/or you are receiving child support.

For me I was fine with him giving her his last name when he was going to be part of her life but when was a month old and he decided he didn't want to be involved because I asked for his help financially, can you say douche?

The funny thing is he filled out the birth certificate because I was too drugged up after having a c-section to be able to.

Though I want to change my daughter's last name not out of spite but so that she has the same last name as me when it comes time to enroll her in school and so neither of us have to answer any questions or give explainationl.
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 14
Changing her name
Posted: 3/5/2010 7:58:31 AM
Just so you know: when enrolling my child in school, there was an option to put "preferred name" on the enrollment forms. So where is says, "legal name" she has her dad's last name and where is says, "preferred name" she has mine. There was no explanation needed to do this. I think this is so common nowadays that no one even questions it anymore.
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 15
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Changing her name
Posted: 3/5/2010 9:32:37 AM
before adoption, the elementary school let my kids use our names as surnames. i think this all depends on the age of the child. if an infant does not know his/her own name, that is one thing. then you must follow the legal procedure. but, if a child already has a sense of self, that may be destructive. at that point, the older child needs to be involved in the decision.

when i first got my kids, they were teens and wanted to immediately change their first names, as where they came from they were made fun of at school. i told them to wait a year and when adopted, it all could be handled. it was their choice. however, when it came to that, they had decided to keep their names. the school near my house did not have kids who made fun of their names.
 PB Girl
Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 16
Changing her name
Posted: 3/5/2010 3:04:20 PM
It sounds like you may be changing her name for the wrong reasons. Take a step back, identify the real reason you've decided to change it. Take into account how this will impact you and your daughter. If you're angry or hurt, do not do anything until those feelings have subsided. There is something to that saying "let your conscience be your guide".

I am a single parent and thought long and hard before filling out the birth certificate information. I considered how my decision would affect my daughter and I knowing I would have sole custody and that her father was not likely to participate in our lives. I did not want to give her a name that required an explanation or caused any confusion in social settings, consent issues or when travelling.

I am very proud of who I am and where I come from and my last name is something that has great meaning to me and my family. I hope that my daughter will one day share that same feeling and understand that I gave her the last name of the family that chooses to know her and can't help but love her.
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 17
Changing her name
Posted: 9/29/2011 9:11:46 AM
I had my daughters last name legally changed. He is out of state and not involved (we were married, and when divorced, I went to my maiden at the time).

After it was evident that he was not physically and financially involved, I went to the courts, filed the paperwork (in CA, you pay an additional cost for it to run in the paper) . Someone other than me had to serve him by mail. He had the legal time to respond and contest. He did not. Went to court, peice of cake.

My case went easy because there was no fight. I did it for a few reasons and no bitterness or vengence. Paperworks asks you for your reasons. Mine were: school issues made it easier, signing last name to someone she had no connection with, etc.

since you mentioned he gave up his rights, I am assuming you mean legally? If thats the case, you can do it and he can do absolutely NOTHING.
Joined: 7/7/2011
Msg: 18
Changing her name
Posted: 9/29/2011 12:30:59 PM
It is definitely NOT wrong of you!! I am in a similar situation...I feel like if he doesnt want to help provide for her than he shouldn't have the privileges of visitation and her carrying his last name. I am not one of the 'baby mama's' to take him to child support. Give up your rights and let her and I as a family move on. I eventually want to get married, and the man will want to give her his last name as well...if not, then there will be no marriage. I'm not sure where you are located, but in the state of NY, after 6 months of no contact, you can start the proceedings of getting his rights terminated and changing the last name. Good luck to you and your daughter!!
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 19
Changing her name
Posted: 9/29/2011 12:34:37 PM
OP - what exactly is your reason to do this ???

I think it has nothing to do with your daughter and everything todo with you.

I say leave it...

which state is it that on can legally give up their parental rights ?

I never knew there were such a thing...

afterall...lots would do that just to NOT pay child support...
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 20
Changing her name
Posted: 9/29/2011 1:30:31 PM

which state is it that on can legally give up their parental rights ?

I believe every state has this option. Here in CA we do.

afterall...lots would do that just to NOT pay child support...

how sad that is, that some would actually prefer to give up their parental rights indefinetly, all to save money.

there are valid reasons for parental termination, as well as name changes. i do not find it disturbing at all to have this done, if the other parent is not involved.
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 21
Changing her name
Posted: 9/29/2011 2:44:57 PM
No. There is nothing wrong w/that it all. I was in your situation. I was divorced for years, the father had nothing to do w/them, no visitation & no support. They were about 11 & 13 years old at the time. My family were the ones who were there for them on their birthdays, holidays, & my Dad saw the kids almost everyday after school. I told the children I was going to change my name back to my maiden name. They told me they wanted the same last name as me. They had no connection or contact w/their father & very little to no contact w/his family. The judge asked the kids if they understood the name change, & asked what it meant to them. They made beautiful statements about how my family was the only family they really knew, & this was what they wanted. I cried when my son said he had a loving bond w/my Dad & wanted to carry on his name. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. Everyone has been happy since, there have been no regrets. Go ahead w/it & don't feel bad or guilty about it. The form is easy to fill out, you should be able to help w/it it at the county clerks office.

I'd like to add, b/c I didn't know his whereabouts, there was a charge to publish to him in the newspaper, since he couldn't be served w/papers w/out an address. He is still responsible for child support. This doesn't in any way excuse him from the child support he still owes.
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 22
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Changing her name
Posted: 9/29/2011 4:20:13 PM
When I separated and eventually divorced, I kept my married name in part so that my daughter and I had the same last name. So I do understand the desire to have the same last name. As long as your motives are pure and you genuinely feel it would be better for your child to have the same name as you, then go for it. Do NOT do it for revenge.
Joined: 8/9/2011
Msg: 23
Changing her name
Posted: 9/29/2011 6:47:52 PM
I dont think it's wrong. I wanted to do the same thing, but then my son learned his full name, and I didnt want to confuse him with trying to teach him a "new name". If I could give you any advice, it would be to do it before she gets to old. Wish you the best!!
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 24
Changing her name
Posted: 9/29/2011 7:07:35 PM
Boon...I don't think giving up parental rights is the sameas giving up the responsibility to pay child support, because you are many men would jump at the opportunity.

OP...I agree with those who responded that you should wait until you have gone through your various phases of hurt and anger. Still, I understand how you feel. I hypenated my son's last name at birth to include mine, even though he and I were together at the time and remain civil towards each other.
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 25
Changing her name
Posted: 9/30/2011 4:35:14 AM
Don't do it. The goal here is to hope that the father changes his stance some day.
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 26
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Changing her name
Posted: 9/30/2011 11:41:07 AM
If the father has legally relinquished all rights then I do not see the point in your child keeping his name. But I would suggest being open about his identity and information to her as she gets older. People change and mellow as they age and she has the right to know who he is if she decides to contact him one day.
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