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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 2
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?Page 1 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
I'm the red flag Queen and I don't see it as a red flag at all...
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 3
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 4:38:25 AM
^^^^The Op could have been in various long term relationships...just never married.
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 4
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 4:56:48 AM
I've dated a couple of men that were never married and had never had kids, and it raised a red flag with me as well.

Turns out (in my 2 cases anyway) that I was right on the money. One was an alcoholic and the other had anger issues. In both their cases, I kind of understood why they were still single.

I'm not saying that ALL men who have never married/had kids are "broken" in some way, but the two I dated definitely had flaws that eventually sent me running as well as those women before me.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 5
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 5:05:10 AM
I'm in the same boat, only I'm almost 53.

If women want to simplify this game to the point that they will not agree to meet someone who hasn't been married, I'm not going to let it bother me. I see it as being their issue, not mine.

I look at it like this- I've never cheated on my spouse. What percentage of divorced men can say that?
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 6
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 5:11:42 AM

I'm not saying that ALL men who have never married/had kids are "broken" in some way, but the two I dated definitely had flaws that eventually sent me running as well as those women before me.

I identify..

Not in it self a red flag but I have had similar experiences.

They were always in "me mode", like only children that were never taught to share.
Not considerate the way men who had had long term commitments.

I would not count a man out until I got that gut feeling that it is an issue.
It takes 2-3 dates and then kaboom..true colors.

You can hide selfish and self centered for only so long.



It could be a plus..no child drama..grown child drama is the worst..
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 7
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 5:13:44 AM
Gawd ... I certainly hope so! Hahaha!
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 9
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 5:19:11 AM
I would definitely consider him a potential prize, and would get to know him before I made a decision about things about him that I might see as red flags. I cannot relate to a man who is divorced with children, but that does not make me say that I cannot date them since I cannot relate to them, If I did that my potential dating pool would be almost non existent. However, I have definitely learned to avoid men who act as if I am on a trial basis as a date until I prove that I am okay since I have not been married and do not have children. People never cease to amaze me.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 10
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 5:31:55 AM

At your age a person wants to be in a relationship not a one night stand with a man who doesn`t quite know what he wants!

But it could just as easily be said that the person who hasn't been married *does* know what he wants but hasn't found it yet. I think it's odd that "never married" carries a worse connotation to some people than "divorced."

To me, no kids and never married are huge pluses.
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 13
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 5:57:27 AM

People that don't have kiddos haven't learned what it is to sacrifice to give your all to someone else
I know! The Dalai Lama and Mother Theresa ... What a waste of flesh!! Hahaha! Maroons!
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 14
view profile
History
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 5:58:02 AM
OP, have you been in long term relationships and/or cohabited with any of these relationships? This to me would be an important kernel of information.

People may assume that you are commitment phobic but if they don't stick around to find out why you haven't waltzed down the aisle yet or whether you really wanted kids and are really disappointed if at 45 you feel that this has passed you by (yes there are some people that don't want to be over 65 when their kids graduate from college).

There are 11 years top to bottom between my siblings and I. My dad was mid fifties when I hit college and he was already having oodles of health problems. Some people actually think about these things before they marry and have children, I see this as a good thing. Also in many ways a very loving thing to choose NOT to have kids if you think you won't be able to be the active involved father you wish to be.

Is it better if your picker is faulty to walk away, duh, but was the picker faulty or did you find reasons not to get together with someone? I think this is the fear some people have. Everyone has heard about the guy who found something wrong with a number of lovely women and then around 35-40, suddenly it seems like there is a switch turned on and the next gal that shows up, hooks him. The classic Warren Beatty move.

If someone has hit 45 and this phenomenon has not occurred, they may assume that you are actually commitment phobic rather than just not ready as might be more logical to assume for a younger man. They figure if no one else could cause you to want to take the plunge, what chance do they have. Feeling that their time will be invested more wisely elsewhere they see it as a red flag.

Personally, I think it is a load of crap I would want to find out what your life story is before I start making some type of judgments about whether you would be a good bet or not. There are a lot of people on the planet that like to make snap decisions about people and/or their character and while it might whittle down your dating pool, you are probably well served by avoiding those types of people anyway.

OP, given your interest in biking that many women may not share and the fact that your profile lists dating as your purpose, perhaps women do not see you as someone they could have a long-term relationship with because you don't seem headed in that direction. As a confirmed bachelor, you might find women that will date you when they don't feel capable of getting into a relationship but I don't know how many women there are at your age that want to date indefinitely.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 15
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 5:59:17 AM
I have dated a gentleman who has never been married and never had children. After a while I realized that he had an issue with touch, which was a huge red flag for me. I could see why he never married, as it was way too difficult for him to accept another individual within his personal space.

As a potential candidate for a long term relationship, this is something that has to be addressed. However ONLY he can work on this issue.

So from my one and only experience with never married and no children, yes there was in issue.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 16
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 6:00:19 AM
^^@msg 19: You can add Oprah to that list of selfish bitches that doesn't know how to commit.
 Cuckooforcocopuffs
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 18
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 6:12:57 AM

So from my one and only experience with never married and no children, yes there was in issue.


So, would you see that as it only happened once and may never happen again? Or, that since it's happened 100% of the time for you, it's more than likely going to happen again.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 20
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 8:02:57 AM
What would be a bigger red flag a person who has had long term relationships but never gotten married or had children of his or her own . Or someone who has 2 or 3 kids and has been married more than once. I don't think any of us can judge till we have enough information - either person could be a red flag or a catch or somewhere in between we are all looking for something different. But people will judge or prejudge and that is thier choice.
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 21
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 8:04:27 AM
The topic is "Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?" Not sure why you are rambling about all types of other red flags and trying to create spurious connections between what you perceive as a vampire cult and "dateability" unless you are trying to bolster your fallacious assertions ... I'm calling you out for what you said
People that don't have kiddos haven't learned what it is to sacrifice to give your all to someone else
This is false and I gave you two examples of it. There are plenty of other people walking around that know about sacrifice and giving their all. Too bad you and the other people you know couldn't do so unless you had children.

Both have extreme addictions & priorities that have prevented them from marriage & having babies.
there is something seriously wrong with a person who thinks that the path to marriage and parenthood is the ultimate pinnacle to which one can aspire and which is the only credible means of enriching their community and the world around them. My red flag is the narrow mind set and single track vision some people seem to have. I sincerely hope they do not find me a suitable candidate for them.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 22
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 8:14:38 AM
It's a mystery to me, I haven't had people react that way at all. They're curious, because it's a little outside the usual, but they don't back off because of it.

You sure you're not maybe presenting it like it's something you think is negative? That'll do it every time...

Or, to the question packagedeal raised, if you've never really been in much of a relationship at all, IMO it is valid to see that as a warning. But I imagine you have, right? I mean that's just kind of hard to avoid even if you wanted to.
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 23
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 8:29:16 AM

Wally I wasn't talking with you, but it doesn't matter those are my opinions. Whether anyone agrees or not. My opinion, end of story, end of discussion! You can laugh & belittle me & think your way is so superior all you want, your type does not concern me.
Not laughing ... Sorry for you more than anything. LIFE changes people and it is not always for the better as demonstrated on these very pages. Oh, well.


Wally I wasn't talking with you
Ummmm ... This is a public forum. You are aware of that, right? The site provides for email exchange if you would prefer to keep your opinions out of the spotlight.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 25
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 9:02:18 AM
The first two words that came to my mind, OP, was so what. Surely, a man in his 40's, never married and without children would cause curiousity on my end, but I wouldn't throw it up as a red flag. Unless, of course, the guy gives me a reason to throw it up as a red flag.

Some people don't fit the mold of marriage, and having children. For others, bad timing could be another thing. There could be several reasons as to why some people just like you that are in your age group have never wed, nor had any children.

Perhaps when I reach your age, and have never wed and have no children of my own, it would probably be seen as a red flag to some men. Oh well.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 26
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 9:17:48 AM
Its disheartening in a way to see all the generalizations I see on POF daily...

I mean, c'mon, if you've been married/divorced 3x by age 40 (ie, lets say 3 x 5yr marriages), and you married each one after 6mo's, what does that say about 'comittment'? To me it says you jump into things w/o really knowing each other. You're committed to getting married, but either not to working to keep it together, or pick people who won't work to keep it together (because you barely knew them).

I might be conscious of that - but it wouldn't stop me from dating someone if we talked about it and I felt they were older/wiser in their choices. Then again, if they were pushing for us to get married after date#5 - I'd be really worried they learned nothing. Addicted to getting married?

I don't pay attention to these generalizations, they're stupid - you might as well say "all 'hot' people are players because they can get anyone they want" - um, they might be, they might not be - its a stupid generalization probably because you dated a few 'hot' people who all were players. That says a lot more about *your* choices, your "selection process" for dating, than it does about them.

If you're going to run your life by generalizations, give up dating. Everyone is different, we've all had different experiences, we've all loved, and probably had our hearts broken, had good experiences and bad. We're all looking for 'something' - and lets be honest here, if you found that 'something' you're looking for, you wouldn't be here on POF, would you? (Even the people here just for the forums are looking for 'something', just maybe not a relationship at the moment). So instead of being open to trying new things, understanding that everyone is different - you build walls, pidgeon-holing people into groups to 'avoid', rather than seeing them as unique individuals.

Pretty narrow world-view if you ask me.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 29
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 11:14:53 AM
Its the same for a person who`s never had any children. I make it a habit never to date anyone who doesn`t have kids. Majority, don`t quite understand the kids come first in life.
It`s hard for a person to deal with someone who`s never experienced these things.


Funny, EC, because I've dated women with kids... and I never would have even *questioned* the kids coming first while we were dating. That's a given, and I loved the kids. Definitely a 'learning experience' for me with the first one, but I didn't mind.

What ended those was the first wanted me to quit my job and marry her "now damnit"... and I wanted to marry her up until then, but owning a home I'd have to sell, quitting a job I needed to pay the mortgage (lest the bank foreclose on me and I lose $80K in equity) were things we needed to discuss - she was not open to discussion, quit my job, let the bank take the house, and marry her jobless and broke... hmm, lets see... not willing to even *listen* to my own needs... not a good sign for the future, is it? Quite honestly, I miss the kids, and the fact I missed out on them growing up, more than her (although we still talk occasionally, I like hearing how the kids are doing). Her own unwillingness to talk about it and listen to my needs ended that.

And, well, the next one decided to go back to 'a**hole' (her words for him, when we started dating), because "I thought it was what was best for the kids" - can't argue that, she did what I hope any mother would do (regardless of my opinion of him), what she thought was best for the kids. (And, it should've been a 'red flag' for me, but she kept me at a distance from the kids for the most part, 'afraid they might mention' me to him... *I* wanted to be more involved with the kids, because they were a part of her life, and I loved her). Eh, no regrets, if you love someone you want whats best for them.

So to assume because *I* don't have kids (of my own) meaning I'm incapable of understanding they're first in your life, or that I have no "experience" with kids... isn't exactly true. Neither of those relationships ended for anything to do with *my* inability to love the kids, and deal with 'her' putting them first. Both of them thought (and well, I still talk to the first occasionally, still thinks) I'd be a good dad, although at 46 the thought of having a teenager in my 60's isn't very appealing, and I would still date a woman with kids - it'd be silly to limit my options based on 2 experiences that didn't work out, that really had nothing to do with *me* being unable to deal with kids in any fashion. I don't run my life by generalizations, but rather by selecting people based on who they are, not their past. You, of course, are welcome to your own opinions...
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 31
view profile
History
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 12:15:35 PM
i love it when divorced people find reason to suspect the unmarried. apparently lack of broken commitments is a dealbreaker.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 32
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 12:18:34 PM
I bet it's less of a red flag than my being married 5 times. There are reasons for every situation. If a person can't listen to those reasons and appreciate them, then they aren't the person for you. It wouldn't bother me if I met a man who had never been married and had no kids. If anything, there maybe a lot less problems and drama.

BTW, most men don't find my multiple marriages a problems. They just think I'm optimistic!
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 33
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 12:42:39 PM

i love it when divorced people find reason to suspect the unmarried. apparently lack of broken commitments is a dealbreaker.

Yes, we're now in the same league as terrorists at the airport: we're suspicious because we don't have enough baggage.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 34
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 12:43:25 PM
I think its funny really in ways, and sad because generalizing groups of people only limits you from people's uniqueness - but especially when I hear people saying "I dated 2 guys/women who were... (whatever generalized reason) ... and I'll *never* do it again, they're *all* like that!"

To put it in perspective, consider the following:

"I've dated two hot, athletic, hispanic women, and both of them wound up getting cancer, and the strain of that broke up the relationship later... all hot, athletic hispanic women get cancer, and I'll never date one again!"

Doesn't that sound like a stupid generalization? The "luck of the draw" ending up badly (especially for the women) - but to generalize like that from*two* dates? There's what, 300million people in the US, lets say 20million each sex are 'never married, no kids' - you dated *2* (1/10millionth of them) and you "know" they're all the same? And who exactly does that "limit" except the person doing the generalizing? I mean, I don't care, you're welcome to think whatever you want - but it seems rather ludicrous to me.

FF said: "There are reasons for every situation. If a person can't listen to those reasons and appreciate them, then they aren't the person for you. " - yeah, if you treat everyone as unique, with their own experiences, and get to know them... and decide based on the person, rather than their 'history', it leaves more opportunities doesn't it FF?
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 36
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 1:25:05 PM
So why is it, when this info is revealed a red flag goes up?
I use to think this would play to my advantage, but after turning 40 I could see the table had been turned.
Any thoughts?


I wouldn't see this as a flag, but the only thing I can assume about the person in question could see it as "we" are so screwed up nobody wanted to deal with us. I guess.
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