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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child      Home login  
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 myrgth
Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 3
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After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's ChildPage 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
You would only be branded an 'ass' for leaving if you were the father. As you aren't, I can't imagine anyone sane would tell you that removing yourself from this would be wrong.

So she is 3 months pregnant and has been on birth control the whole time? Really?

Seems to me if she would lie about that, she would likely not be so truthful about many other things as well... like not knowing she was pregnant before you two hooked up.

Are you sure that her relationship with you has been genuine and not her just looking for someone to play daddy? Where is the daddy? Has she told him?

If you don't want the responsibility I think you should tell her calmly and directly. She is in a reasonable emotional state - but will use pregnancy hormones as an excuse. She is old enough to be pregnant then she needs to be old enough to deal with the fall out.

Continue to be her friend if you want but make it clear that is all you are interested in.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 12
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After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 5:00:58 PM
Eldrida gave you some good advice but Eldrida, he also lives in Canada where they can/will make a non-biological father responsible for the child financially even if they know it is not his child.

I know a man who met his wife when she was pregnant. They started seeing each other and when the child was around two years old they tied the knot. I'm not necessarily advocating anything but sometimes the person is worth at least hanging around to see if what you thought you had was there.

Similarly, a friend met a guy, they really liked each other, bam she winds up pregnant when she believed she was physically incapable of conceiving having tried for 3 years prior with her previous boyfriend. She was one of those people that kinda hated him as soon as she was pregnant and he wasn't initially jazzed about becoming a dad. He decided by the time the baby was born that he did want to be a father and after going through the birth together they decided to give things a go. They now have three children and have been married for about 15 years, and they are actually happy. Still enjoy each other's company but things were rough the first couple of years.

There are also probably a gazillion stories of people that didn't have a good outcome next to my two stories of instances where this didn't turn out horribly.

I think the question you should ask yourself is whether you want to be involved with a woman that has a child. At your age, most folks are still partying. If you would not shy away from a woman with a child, the only difference here is timing. Certainly at your age you should be enjoying yourself and not necessarily assuming responsibility for a family but sometimes we meet the right person at the wrong time.

If you offer her friendship right now you can find out if you are compatible and if there really was more than attraction there. If the friendship survives this mess and you still care about the woman and are good friends then maybe you revisit the whole romantic thing. Only you know look back at what happened before this odd informational bombshell was thrown into your situation to even consider whether any of this is worth it.

You do what is right for you. her and the child without regard to what others think of you. Deep down somewhere you probably have a pretty good idea of what that is.
 Daves place 1
Joined: 1/14/2010
Msg: 14
After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 5:06:07 PM
I have a pair of running shoes in the mail to you.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 20
After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 5:19:24 PM
Be very very careful of whom you decide to call a "friend",,,before you start telling us you want to be hers. A couple have already pointed out that a "friend" wouldn't have lied to you,,,and she has.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 22
After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 5:23:06 PM
Without going too deeply into an odd set of circumstances, I have a friend who at 3 months along, met a guy who knew she was pregnant. They got married just before the baby was born. They went on to have four more of their own. He never treated baby number one different than the rest. The sperm donor was not interested, and made no claims. They've been married and very happy for thirty years now.

The difference? They both had college degrees to begin with. Still, I'd go with my heart (and do bring *all* the parents into the discussion). Packagedeal is right: you likely already know what you should be doing here.

Good luck!
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 29
After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 6:39:44 PM
My cuz never missed a period during any of her pregnancies. My daughter in law didn't either. And didn't know she was pregnant until a month before the baby was born -- went to the doctor because her tummy was upset.

So howcum all ya'll want to *automatically* assume she's a liar?
Nice crew. . . .

 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 37
After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 7:23:51 PM
BDJ:
It's fact. It's referred to as "loco parentis".


Does that translate to "crazy parents" in Spanish, cuz that's insane to just make a non-biological dad responsible for a kid that isn't his.

OP, I'd definitely run for hills, mountains, whatever, cross the border.... Her kid is not your responsibility and from the looks of it you have been duped.
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 45
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After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 10:48:17 PM
Give her no advice....especially about abortion. You don't want any of her future regrets coming back on you. If what I've read here about Canadas laws are correct.....look over your shoulder, and if the asphalt behind you doesn't have a trail of fire and smoke.....you aren't running fast enough!
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 46
After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/8/2010 11:57:06 PM
umm...really?? so your daughter-in-law had no clue? no idea?? how is that possible? did she not gain any weight? because if i gain even 5 lbs., i would be very concerned. not normal to gain weight for no reason or lose it either. also i'm assuming she wasn't using any birth control so why was she so surprised that she was pregnant? see that's what i don't understand. some women must be in total denial and not in touch with their bodies, that's for sure.

She's over six feet tall, and a big woman (though I wouldn't have said BBW). I don't think there's a scale in the house, lol! My son did not know either. And no, they'd never used birth control: her doctor told her she was sterile. Baby was born in the seventh year of not using birth control.

The world is wide, and many strange things, indeed. The teacher of my college health class told us she'd seen girls get pregnant every day of their cycle: including during menstruation. And pregnancies with an entact hymen. (Depends on what the couple is doing that they don't consider sex, but produces semen in the correct vicinity. . . .). And believe me, this chit was *really* important in 1959 'cause there was NO reliable birth control, and NO abortion.



And OPie, at this point, I'd say, just go away and leave her alone. She's got more to worry about than dealing with you.
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 49
After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/9/2010 12:53:21 AM

-She does know who the father was

Here's the clincher, she claims up and down that she never slept with the proposed 'father'.

So how the hell does she think she got pregnant??? And why on earth would she claim a guy she didn't have sex with is the father?... OP I think this girl of yours is more than a little screwed up!!
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 50
After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/9/2010 2:03:17 AM
OP... don't walk, RUN!

Seriously. If you stay, it will ruin your life. You've only known her for a month. Go

-8sf8
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 54
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After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/9/2010 6:41:07 AM
If she meant she didn't have intercourse with him, it is very possible to become pregnant without having intercourse. Transference of sperm on a hand, deposited near openings... lots of ways: those lil guys swim yanno.

I don't recall gaining any significant weight until 12 weeks in; just enough to make my clothes a bit tighter. I didn't have morning sickness at all and I had a period for the first 3 months, much lighter than normal.

While it is possible she may not have outright lied, she obviously had suspicions that something wasn't right and was likely hoping she was wrong about it.

^^ I don't believe that matters in his decision. It is not an established relationship, it's not his child, he's not ready or wanting to be a father; if I had a son I would recommend he end it now, clearly and caringly.

Something no one has brought up is the issue of birth control pills and the health of the baby. The first trimester is one where a lot of critical stuff is happening in the baby's development. Kind of unfair of mother nature to have this critical formation stuff happening when many women don't know they are pregnant and can't take as much care as they need to. Many people recommend abortion if the mother has continued birth control pills as the hormones aren't great for the fetus. Other health factors are if she took medication during this time: headaches, cough medicine (pepto bismal and the ilk is fine), alcohol or illegal drugs. This might be a scenario where abortion is appropriate.


Canada... force a man to marry someone who he didn't get pregnant, just because he was trying to be nice and help someone out?

Nah, not forced to marry. If one has acted like a parent one has to pay child support regardless of whether they are the biological parent or not.
 punkisdead18
Joined: 10/13/2009
Msg: 57
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After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/9/2010 7:08:29 AM
I say be fariends with her and see if it can still be more after that who knows maybe you might get feeling for the kid
 punkisdead18
Joined: 10/13/2009
Msg: 58
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After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/9/2010 7:08:39 AM
I say be fariends with her and see if it can still be more after that who knows maybe you might get feeling for the kid
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 60
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After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/9/2010 7:37:07 AM

Do you seriously think for the 8 weeks prior to meeting you she had no idea she was pregnant? Two months, and you think she was clueless? She must have missed at least 2 periods, not to mention the vomiting, etc.

I'm not saying whether this chick did or did not know she was pregnant, but I know of many people that experienced no morning sickness or anything else to suggest they were pregnant and were indeed several months along when they finally confirmed the pregnancy. People with various conditions have irregular periods. A friend of mine didn't realize she was pregnant because it wasn't unusual for her to go months without a period.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 61
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After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/9/2010 7:41:09 AM

Something no one has brought up is the issue of birth control pills and the health of the baby. The first trimester is one where a lot of critical stuff is happening in the baby's development. Kind of unfair of mother nature to have this critical formation stuff happening when many women don't know they are pregnant and can't take as much care as they need to. Many people recommend abortion if the mother has continued birth control pills as the hormones aren't great for the fetus. Other health factors are if she took medication during this time: headaches, cough medicine (pepto bismal and the ilk is fine), alcohol or illegal drugs. This might be a scenario where abortion is appropriate.

Was wondering about this because they do recommend that you discontinue taking BC pills if you suspect you are pregnant. On the other hand, Margo, ours are nearly grown. I know between my first and my middle son they had dispensed with the concern that BC pills might be a problem with the breast milk. By now they may recognize that it is a relatively small percentage of kids with birth defects related to a pregnant woman continuing to take birth control pills. With my middle son, I called the doctor to clear my asthma meds that were new since the previous pregnancy and during the pregnancy I had to take steroids because of my lungs. My doctor told me that will just make his lungs stronger and more developed than if you weren't taking the medication so perhaps at this point they have deemed pregnancy while on the pill not as dangerous to more or less require termination?
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 64
After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/9/2010 8:10:55 AM
luckyhot:
Now, I am forced to take back the complimient...WTF...force a man to marry someone who he didn't get pregnant, just because he was trying to be nice and help someone out?


My interpretation is that if this guy was to live with this girl, he would/could be on the line to pay child support married or not. Again, WTF? Sheesh! That would be an 18-year responsibility for a kid that isn't even his.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 68
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After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/9/2010 10:13:46 AM

It's the easy way out, but then I would be branded as the "ass" for leaving a women because she's pregnant.
The ONLY people who would label you as such would do so because THEY themselves ARE truly a$$holes...so; no need to worry about them...or their labels.

You are certainly "justified" in your reasoning...however, your reasoning requires no justification....I'd say that being pregnant with another man's child is a deal breaker in anyone's book...unless you have proof positive that it was by immaculate conception.

It's too bad that those proposing continuing the "friendship" haven't addressed the issue of continuing to have sex as part of that "friendship". If I thought for a nanosecond that you might continue the "friendship"...MINUS the sex...then I too might think it sounds very noble to continue. HOWEVER, I think there's about a snowballs chance in hell that you could/would continue a friendship...without the sexual relationship...which essentially means..that continuing....DOES in fact....make you not only a "father figure"...but may very likely make you the "father in fact"... which you've already admitted you're not ready for...AND for that realization, I commend you!

Her hormones and her emotional state are HER problem...NOT YOURS. Any sensible person will tell you that "ruining your life" will in no way rescue either her or the child...which again, is NOT your responsibility in the first place. This is very definitely a "misery loves company" issue. That the girl need "help" is obvious. You however are not in either the position, or condition to "help" her.

Right now, she' is "grabbing at straws".
I'm afraid to bring this up in fear that I she may do something she may regret.
Once again; this is NOT your responsibility, nor are you capable of truly " being responsible" for this....at your age. Your sympathy at the moment is truly commendable, but making yourself part of this difficult situation will only create more damage in lifes in the future....yours...hers and the childs.

RUN!
 goodkindacrazy
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 74
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After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/9/2010 10:48:04 AM
My son was in the same situation when he was nineteen. He was dating a girl for about a month when she found out she was pregnant for the guy she was dating before my son. Against my advice he stuck with her. When she was six months along she started pressuring him to sign the birth certificate even though he wasn't the father. The other guy couldn't be located (or so she says). Fast forward to the birth. She still kept asking him to sign but he refused thankfully, but he still stuck by her. In the next months she behaved as if he was the father, expecting him to take on a fathers responsiblilities, including giving up his time with his friends in order to take care of the baby. The real father still isn't in the picture, she has never made any real effort to get him involved in the child's life or to try to get child support from him. Why should she, she's got a baby daddy. They fought all the time because he wanted to act like a teenage boy and because she had to be a parent well then he had to as well, even though he wasn't the father. Fast forward a year. He wants to break it off. Guess what? She's pregnant.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 76
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After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/9/2010 2:28:12 PM
Whoa! I find this post ^^ very unfair.


You are taking advantage of her when she is at a really bad time.
You are only thinking of yourself, what you need, and that you want
her company and sex but not the kid or any responsibility.

How is it that he is taking advantage of her? He became involved with a single, unpregnant woman and then discovered she was 12 weeks pregnant. Whew! That IS EXACTLY the MOST appropriate time to take a step back and reevaluate what you want and need from a relationship and whether you are willing to take on other people's responsibilities.

And gosh darn tooting, one needs to think of themselves and then apply that to the other person and the situation.



Why does she think you are going to stay and help her raise the child?
Have you told her you plan to dump her once she has the baby?
Or have you lied and told her you will help her with the child to keep
getting sex?

Even IF the OP has told her he is planning to stay with her and take care of the baby - and I don't see that he has said that - HE IS ENTITLED TO REEVALUATE THE SITUATION AND CHANGE HIS MIND. That's not a lie.

Where I do agree with you, if not the way you have expressed it, is that the OP ought to tell her now. She deserves to have full information and not wishful thinking.

Edit: and yeah, I missed that other post and completely agree with you on that one.

That was the ugliest thing yet I have read on here and I have read some
sickeningly horrible things on this site.
Glad that you are the judge and jury of all unwed mothers because you
yourself are so perfect.
That kind of comdemning judgementalist holier than thou
crap almost makes me blow lunch on the computer.
 TheReason_
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 78
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After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/9/2010 3:32:56 PM
You are 19. Go live your life, and let the father of the child man up and take rsponsibility.


Seriously. 19 is too young for kids of your own, let alone someone elses. You can still be friends, but step away from that babymama.
 ElleShooTiger
Joined: 2/4/2009
Msg: 79
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After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/9/2010 10:41:28 PM
Not your baby....not your problem. Run away!

I really, really, really doubt anybody would call you names for leaving a girl who was pregnant with another man's child and didnt tell you ahead of time.
 DCK88
Joined: 3/4/2010
Msg: 82
After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/10/2010 2:29:59 AM
your a a fricken idiot and its no wonder your in love with after 4 weeks!!
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 83
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After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/10/2010 5:20:07 AM

She responded as most women do in this situation...returning my honest pouring of emotions with expletives and snippy remarks. She begged me to leave, and of course as soon as the door closed, the waterworks ensued.


You know what OP, I think this statement says an awful lot about you, and while I still believe that you have no obligtion to this girl, I dont actually think that you were as honest and straightforward with this girl as you are trying to portray.

I think that there was a reason that this girl was under the impression that you were thinking about hanging around and playing house. But then I think that you came into this forum and when all the usual suspects came in and started to slam this girl, you started to reflect on what your original plan really was and you changed your mind, which you have every right to, BUT now that YOU see the stupidity of YOUR original decision, you start to slam the very woman that up until now, was perfectly good enough to have a relationship and sex with. Interesting. Trying to make yourself feel better because a bunch of strangers on the internet have passed judgement on your girlfriend and based on your side of the story, have found her lacking?
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 84
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After A Month She Tells Me She's Pregnant - With Another Man's Child
Posted: 3/10/2010 6:02:51 AM
^^ I had a similar thought grizz.

OP I hope it is your formal writing style that is making you sound like a d!ck and that you weren't actually slamming your g/f. Glad to know the parents were informed.

Y'know, I think it is entirely appropriate to want someone who just told you they weren't going to be your b/f any more to leave so you could cry in private. I kinda think her situation is entirely worthy of a good cry, don't you? Her life kinda sucks at the mo', wouldn't you agree?

You might want to reflect OP on the realization that her reaction was an "honest outpouring of emotions" in reaction to your change of heart and possibly your delivery, tone and manner. Give people time to absorb and adjust to sudden and disappointing news. I guess you expected her to be able to immediately absorb the news and be grateful you are willing to hang around as a friend and thank you for it, right?

Y'know OP, I agree with the decision you've made but this is the post where you turned into that azz you were afraid of being. Think about it, there's likely a life lesson in this one for you if you care to examine it.
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