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 sweetcheeks2him
Joined: 1/27/2010
Msg: 1
dealing with other parentsPage 1 of 1    
I have a 9 yr old daughter.. Who is the biggest tomboy ever!! She's often mistaken for a boy.. She even had a mohawk this past summer.. It looked cute on her.. I never forced a dress on her, I do buy clothes for her in the boys section just cuz she likes skulls and that type of look..

She is being bullied at school by a boy who called her a lesiban.. She came home midly upset and asked if I thought she was a lesiban.. First she sorta understands the word lesiban, a close friend is gay.. I responded with 'your 9, and I think your a wonderful daughter lesiban or not.' She seems fine with that.. I asked her why she asked and she told me about the boy who was picking on her..

The next day I walk her to school and we just happen to bump into the mother of the boy.. So I thought, good we can solve this now.. So I told her what my daughter told me with my daughter at my side.. And I was litterally speechless at what she said 'Stop dressing your daughter as a 'F'n' lesiban and put her in a dress and grow her hair and maybe she won't be bullied!' I was like alrighty then and knew the conversation was not going to be civil. So I walked away with my daughter in hand.. We went to talk to the princible and when I said who the child and mother was I could tell that it wasn't a surprise to the princible..

Altho, the school promised to handle it as best as they can.. And stop the bullying.. How do you deal with ingorant parents like that???? I was absoutely shocked and speechless!!!
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 2
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Posted: 3/9/2010 5:15:05 PM
Outside of bringing the school into it, you can't do much more than ignore them. She won't discourage her son from bullying your daughter, and in fact sounds like someone that will encourage him to continue being hateful to her.

There are people like this in the world. They are idiots, ignorant and hateful and there is often nothing that one can do but find others that are also bullied and stick together.

I think there is at least one thread on bullying that is probably a good read if I remember correctly, some good information there, but don't think this woman will do anything to help solve the problem. It will be on the school and they are somewhat limited in what they can legally do.
 anonymouslyme
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 3
dealing with other parents
Posted: 3/9/2010 6:03:22 PM
Wow, so many views, and so few responses. This is a complicated problem, sweetcheeks. I'm sure the school will do their best to supervise the kids that are bullying, but they won't be able to be watching every second, and you can't really stop people from being cruel and ignorant. The best place to start to protect your daughter from bullying, is with your daughter herself. Have you ever noticed that some kids are extremely sensative to bullying type behavior, and others tend to be able to shrug it off rather easily? I think it has something to do with their confidence that they know who they are, and that who they are is acceptable and lovable, regardless what anyone else might say. Also, resilience is another key factor. Feeling confident that she can overcome whatever adversity she's being faced with is another important tool for her to be developing right now. I haven't read it, but Joel Haber wrote a book called Bullyproof your Child for Life, which got extremely good reviews, if I remember correctly.

Other than that, I'd be very curious whether you have had the thought that she might actually be a lesbian? I only ask because I think that would have some bearing on how you address the situation with your daughter. I'm not an expert on child development or anything, but I think by the age of nine she might have an inkling about who she finds attractive. I don't want to start a debate over homosexuality, or anything like that, but i think it's important to embrace and support whoever your beautiful daughter is blossoming into, and make sure she feels accepted and loved, which will help immunize her against cruel comments from other kids, or their asinine parents.

If you think she's just a tomboy who likes to dress in boys clothes, now might be a good time to start helping her develop some awareness of the impression her appearance makes on other people. To a certain extent, we ARE judged on our appearances, whether that's 'right' or not, it still happens. I hope what I'm saying isn't sounding offensive. I remember several years ago at my son's school, their were several kids who were contemplating bringing a lawsuit against several classmates due to bullying, and being harassed about their appearance. The thing is, these kids were "goth" and made it a point to dress in a certain way that was actually inviting the attention they were so upset about. That certainly didn't justify the ignorance, but it did give them an option to excercise to avoid being singled out that way. I'm sorry I don't have any better suggestions. I know it's hard to watch your child being treated cruelly by the other kids, and how helpless it can make a parent feel. As for the mother, I think it's disgusting that any adult would ever treat a child so harshly, and then act justified in doing so. If I had found myself in that situation, I doubt that I would have been able to restrain myself, and that woman would likely be taking all her meals through a straw for the foreseeable future, but I know that's the wrong answer, so I don't recommend it. However, I would advocate returning the verbal attack , and making sure she walked away feeling every bit as embarrassed and disgraced as she was trying to make you feel, for behaving in such a reprehensible way. Bullies are typically expecting the person they're screaming at to cower and become defensive when they raise their voice, and will often back off when you make it clear that's not going to happen. I also don't think she would be able to garner much support from other parents or teachers for the purpose of terrorizing another child.
 sweetcheeks2him
Joined: 1/27/2010
Msg: 4
dealing with other parents
Posted: 3/9/2010 6:45:37 PM
She is just 9 but I know what you are sayind anoymouslyme.. We as a family are very gay friendly.. My daughter knows she will be loved no matter what. She also has many friends, this boy has issues at home by what I saw and is lashing out on others to deal with his own issues.. Very sad ..

My daughter is very likable, easy going and perfers playing in trees or in the mud instead of dress up and with dolls.. She's also an Orange belt in Karate and could kick butt but she knows better and she would never do that..

I just thought the mothers behaviour was beyond stupid and not very respectful at all.. My daughter did nothing but be herself..
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 5
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Posted: 3/9/2010 9:59:32 PM
The other point I forgot to mention in the previous post is that when my kids have encountered another child like this I tell them that although the behavior is not right, it is often lashing out because of the home situation. Ignoring the comments or still acting decently toward the other kid will sometimes take the wind out of their sails and in some cases, the bully can become a friend.

This was the case with my daughter, at about the same age actually, I think they started to get to know each other in a positive way around 3rd grade after a couple of years of this little girl being a hugely hateful little B. She did find out that the girl had had a difficult home life during the "mean" years. Father that wasn't a part of her life, problems adjusting to a stepfather that initially didn't seem to get on with her very well. They eventually moved out of the area but the girls were really close friends for about 5 years. When she was allowed to invite one friend for a birthday at Six Flags or something, it was my daughter they took with them.

Growing up just sometimes sucks. As was stated by others and possibly badly by me, note to self stop posting when you have horrid headaches, lol, you cannot always stop the bullying so you do approach it from your child taking care of herself and knowing that she is okay and the hateful comments coming from a hurt person that is trying to make himself feel better by hurting someone else.

It was instructive for your daughter to be present for the woman's response. She can probably imagine how this woman treats her son, probably ridiculing him since he was a very small boy. She has grown up in a home where she always knew she was loved and has been encouraged to be whomever she is, knowing that whatever that is she is okay. He has grown up knowing if he doesn't fit into the small box of what his mother thinks is acceptable, she won't love him. He has probably spent his entire short life knowing that he will never measure up.

I told my daughter to avoid the girl when she could and if she had to deal with her to try to be nice to her even if she was a shit. I think it made a difference to this girl and is one of the reasons why she finally trusted my daughter enough to be her friend. Even if the boy never acknowledges the way your daughter ignores/responds to his behavior, it could make a difference in what may be a pretty sucky life for this kid.
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 6
dealing with other parents
Posted: 3/10/2010 6:25:24 AM

And I was litterally speechless at what she said 'Stop dressing your daughter as a 'F'n' lesiban and put her in a dress and grow her hair and maybe she won't be bullied!'


The bvtch wouldnt have had any teeth left in her head if she has said that to me.

 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 7
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Posted: 3/10/2010 7:16:00 AM
OP - I took a peek to see where you lived (I was thinking small town Southern or mid-West America)...wondering if maybe cultural or religious thinking led to the mother's comments.

There are small-minded, bigoted people...and many of them couldn't give a damn about being politically correct. Children learn what they live - to make judgements about others, and to make their opinions about others "shortcomings" known - usually with foul language. I think these situations arise, and are more likely something you can't handle, as the child ages.

There's nothing you can do, unfortunately. It seems to me you handled the situation with your daughter well...I'd just try to keep up any "damage control".
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 8
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Posted: 3/11/2010 1:21:40 PM
Ugh . . not surprising I suppose that the principal wasn't surprised.

I wish I knew what you could say - but unfortunately, the best that could be hoped for is that the bully's mother only contributed 50% to her child's genetic make up.

I mean, the school can basically clamp down on the bully's behavior - and that's about it. If it keeps up, the parent WILL get called in, and that sort of BS that she gave you as an excuse for her kid's behavior will NOT fly with the school.

I just hope that the parent can be made to see reason... but people like this it seems only really understand when they're on the receiving end of it.
 daydreamin_honey
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 9
dealing with other parents
Posted: 3/11/2010 8:28:22 PM
My son has always loved pink and purple and been a gentle soul, so he's been bullied and called "gay" a few times over his few 7yrs. We also are a gay friendly family. One father made some snide comment once that I "need to toughen him up", I gave him a piece of my mind and havn't dealt with him since.
Unfortunately, bullying is just one of those ignorant activities in life that require a firm hand and consequences to change.
I was also a tomboy growing up and now i'm seen as a "cool chic" because i'm not prissy and know how to have a good time doing lots of the things guys enjoy. Just explain to your daughter that no matter what kind of person she is, she is going to run into immature ignorant people all thru her life and the thing that bullies hate most is self esteem. The next time someone says something ugly, it is only because they feel so badly about themselves that they are trying to make themselves look tough by picking on her. If she is confident and happy with who she is and shows them that, they will find someone else to pick on because she's not a fun target anymore. I speak from personal experience here.
I was always "different" and once you let the bullies know their crap doesn't work on you anymore, they move on looking for fresh meat.

Hang on mommy, she sounds like a great child and you're doing a great job raising her to be her own person :) *high 5*
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 10
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Posted: 3/13/2010 9:46:55 AM
OP, Taken and several others made a good point, one that my middle son is dealing with. He is 15, he has beautiful curly hair that falls below his shoulders. Some guys can pull off long hair, others can't, it looks great on him. Unfortunately there are people like his history teacher that take one look at him and label him a thug or a stoner.

His hair is really beautiful and honestly I will be a bit sad when he does cut it again one of these days but we have talked about the fact that people are going to judge him based on appearance and particularly when he starts looking for a job, he is either going to have to do the pony tail thing or get rid of the hair.

Learning how to deal with bullies young I think is a real gift considering they don't evaporate with age, we still encounter them in the workplace and social situations, they just do their thing differently as they become older and find new ways to torture people without those that could intervene knowing about it.
 guyinacorner
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 11
dealing with other parents
Posted: 3/13/2010 10:10:56 AM
simple solution. she's a tomboy. put her in boxing. little boy gets beat up. end of problem. no public school has ever solved a problem like this. and really they cant without some form of corporal punishment.

better watch your mouth or your on time out just doesnt work
 carterscutie85
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 12
dealing with other parents
Posted: 3/13/2010 10:31:08 AM
You don't deal with her. She's not your problem. Her bully son is the problem and you should let the school deal with it first. If he keeps picking on her and the school doesn't do enough to stop it, get the police involved. I bet a little time in juvie will straighten that punk out. If he is harassing her the police will take it very seriously and IMHO kids at that age who act that way deserve a little scare by going to juvie.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 13
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Posted: 3/13/2010 12:45:08 PM
Many of my daughters friends wear skull tees and sneakers. Is your daughter aware they come in colors other than black? 9 years old is a bit young to embrace anti establishment clothing.
 briargate
Joined: 8/18/2008
Msg: 14
dealing with other parents
Posted: 3/15/2010 9:32:11 AM
Kids who dress differently are always going to get that crap. I never bothered to dress like any one group, whether it was their intention to set themselves apart from everyone else and in so doing create their own code of dress. It's all bull. But kids are into judging each other and making their own choices of clothing for acceptance, status, shock value, whatever.

I think what you might let your daughter know is that her choice is going to get flak from conformists. That is just the way it's going to be. There will be some kids that don't fit into any social group that are true free thinkers, and your daughter will get along with them fine. But they are uncommon and she will have a select, small group of friends more than likely. And that really is fine.

But yeah, punk haircuts always got me that "gay" label. Ha ha ha. What a joke. Some kid even threw something at me across the street in Philly. Weird stuff.
 sweetcheeks2him
Joined: 1/27/2010
Msg: 15
dealing with other parents
Posted: 3/17/2010 12:51:21 PM
Thanks everyone... My daughter and I had a good talk shortly after.. She says it didn't really bother her, it was more curiousity on what he called her. She has said it has gotten better, it hasn't fully stopped but the teachers seem to be doing a good job of keeping it in check.. But the teachers can't be everywhere all the time.. My daughter just ignores him and goes plays with someone else.. Which seems to be working.. It hasn't become physical just calling names..

I am proud of her too.. She in no way has ever been like 'her friends' in fact they want to be like her and the parents say 'hell no!' lol.. She has had a Mohawk, a chelesa, and pink, blue, purple hair at one point in time.. She has never been a girly girl, she's a punkish, tomboy type and always had... I wish my parents allowed me to be myself and tried different hair do's, clothing styles and looks... My daughter is definately an individual...
 revoskeepnus
Joined: 8/4/2015
Msg: 16
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Posted: 11/2/2015 1:55:33 PM
you can blur gender without implanting ideas.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 17
dealing with other parents
Posted: 11/2/2015 6:43:46 PM
sweetcheeks2colin- This was one case where the bully didn't fall far from the tree.
Coming across negative, hateful people doesn't end with childhood.
You are doing well letting your daughter be herself.
Reinforce with her that she is awesome, no matter what some bully says.
Bullies look for a reaction, so teach her to be confident and not react.
My son was bullied and I had to go to the principle when it became physical.
If it's just teasing, handle it yourself, if it becomes hitting or any type of physical contact, then, yes, go to the school and demand something be done.
You sound like a wonderful mother, I think your daughter is blessed.
btw-my sons bulling issues stopped right about the time he reached 6 feet tall, at 16, he's now 6'3 and still growing. ;)
 ndm147
Joined: 8/1/2013
Msg: 18
dealing with other parents
Posted: 11/2/2015 7:49:21 PM
My son has long hair. Certainly not gay. He is getting married next month to a woman. He cut it for a job interview a few years ago. Remember Woodstock. Men had long hair.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 19
dealing with other parents
Posted: 11/4/2015 12:49:35 PM
This thread it 5 years old. Wow.

By now the girl in question is 14 years old, and her hormones have more than likely kicked in. Regardless of whether she likes boys or not. I would encourage her to continue being a tomboy, play sports, pursue every passion she has. She has a much better chance to go to some awesome college with a scholarship to study science, or math, or engineering than to end up, knocked up with a kid out of wedlock and a job waiting tables at the local Waffle House.
 revoskeepnus
Joined: 8/4/2015
Msg: 20
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Posted: 11/9/2015 4:24:22 PM
someone has to toss those quarter cheese plates scattered, peppered, and covered at 3 am to the drunk college students that followed the right road......
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