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 aarykah86
Joined: 1/14/2010
Msg: 1
Be more loving?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Sometimes I wonder why I am not more loving in my relationships. I am female, and I thought women were supposed to be natural "nurturers". Especially when it comes to men (for straight women), it seems like most other women I know, by watching their actions and how they are in general with the people in their life, appear to be so much more nurturing and loving. I feel like these are weaknesses of mine because even if I do love someone, it just doesn't come natural to act caring and to baby people or pamper them or in any way SHOW the love. How can a person develop such qualities in themselves? I don't want to go my whole life wondering how to show my feelings and also I feel like if I knew how to be more nurturing, then my relationships would BE more nurtured, instead of lacking in that department...
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 2
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 3:13:49 AM
someone once said to me,...when i was younger and did not have as many friends as i would have liked to have had...or who i compared myself to..
that to make friends you have to be freindly.
in other words .
to make a friend
you have to be a freind.

try..little by little to do more of the things to others that you would like to do.
one little baby step at a time.
nuture someone who you can trust.

dont compare yourself to the other woman you are looking at.
purhaps they are already in nurturing relationships and you have not found that person yet.

not all people are demonstrative when it comes to emotions of caring. it does not mean that you do not care.
much may depend upon how you were raised.
how did your parents show care to you?
it is not always physically apparent.

can you allow yourself to be nutured and pampered as you say you have a difficult time doing?
maybe if you allow someone to do so to you...
you will learn by imitation how to return that to him.
 aarykah86
Joined: 1/14/2010
Msg: 3
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 3:54:11 AM
Thank you, ladies, that really did help. I wasn't sure if people are just "not a certain way" in the way they are hardwired, etc.. For me, the whole mothering, nurturing, loving, caring nature in me is VERY difficult to bring out, and even when I finally do bring some of it out and feel open enough to be that way, it is very momentary and is not how I am on a regular basis. I do want to find ways to be more so of those qualities, and I've had others suggest trying to work for completely helpless people like that too, such as in a day care with small children who always have needs, or the elderly.

It's definitely not that I am insensitive to the feelings and needs of others, as I am always trying to think of others and what I may be able to do to make them more comfortable, make them feel happier, make their day go better, etc. When it comes to actually being able to listen attentively and offer true companionship on the level that I'd be able to give a person genuine feedback, or to even listen wholeheartedly on what's going on in other people's lives, sometimes I wonder if I am too self - absorbed to do that. I want to challenge that selfishness or closed-offness, and just be a natural at hearing others out, being more attentive, etc.
 jamie9562
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 4
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 4:21:40 AM
did you come from a mostly male environment? lots of brothers? no mother? just curious
 aarykah86
Joined: 1/14/2010
Msg: 5
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 4:26:07 AM
I have one sister, and my mom is lesbian. She's the butch of the relationship. She loved parenting me, but she definitely isnt the mothery type..
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6
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Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 4:42:09 AM
This is potentially complicated. My first instinct, is that tere's something missing from your account. Perhaps the way you feel, when it occurs to you that a moment has arrived where you COULD be nurturing and supportive, but you choose not to be, would be illuminating.
I have observed and experienced that when I or others feel that we have been taken advantage of in the past, that we are not as giving in the present, as a clumsy way to protect ourselves. Perhaps you feel confused and wary when the opportunity to be helpful arrives: fearful that you will do the wrong kind of nurturing, and cause problems, or fearful that by being helpful, you will make yourself vulnerable to someone you don't entirely trust.
If something like this is the case, then the thing to do is work on trusting YOURSELF. The workshop for that, is to learn and firmly establish your own personal boundaries, so that you know how much you can comfortably give without causing yourself trouble...example: when a friend is sick, you can try to help them feel better, HOWEVER you must not endanger your continued employment by taking off work to bring them soup everyday.
Forgiving disagreeable behavior or misdeeds by others is a similar exercise: it's great to tolerate behaviors that have no functional bearing on your own life, but it's a form of self-victimization to accept misbehavior that hurts you, just because you THINK you have to "be forgiving." This is another matter where knowing your own boundaries is the solution.
If you reach the point where you feel completely comfortable with your own sense of personal physical and emotional security, then nurturing will likely flow naturally from you.
 Kit28
Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 7
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 5:09:00 AM
I was exactly like you, and when I would see my friends behave in a "nurturing" way with their men it would aggervate me to no end. I thought they felt they HAD to do the babying to keep their men. To me it seemed demeening. (sp?)

But then I met my current man and all that crap just started pouring from me naturally. I then realized my friends didn't behave that way because they felt they had to it was because they WANTED to.

I think it just requires the right person to bring it out in you.
 Tammy the cat
Joined: 10/17/2008
Msg: 8
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 5:15:39 AM
OP/there are so many different facets that play out in the overall formation of who we are an what we become.To your profile you have children.Did loving an fussing over them come easly to you?Not all of us are able to be overly demonstrative,but we show our love when it counts in the things we do for the people we love.All the small mundane things that need doing via daily life.Maybe by watching the people around you,you can identify a few things or actions,that dont seem to foreign to your charactor makeup an adopt doing them.Dont go overboard though an wind up becoming someones little blackboy or getting used or taken advantage of.Its nice to spoil a loved one occasinally but dont overdo as you wind up making a rod for your own back with peoples expectations sometimes.Random spoil.
 RAMPERBILL
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 9
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 5:18:28 AM
For me, the whole mothering, nurturing, loving, caring nature in me is VERY difficult to bring out, and even when I finally do bring some of it out and feel open enough to be that way, it is very momentary and is not how I am on a regular basis. I do want to find ways to be more so of those qualities, and I've had others suggest trying to work for completely helpless people like that too, such as in a day care with small children who always have needs, or the elderly.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't think you can make these feelings appear, but they do appear for some women in different times of their lives, and for others never. For some women it is strongest in their late thirties. Being only 23, it is possible that you are changing, are aware of changing, and possibly stifling these feelings to the best of your ability (for whatever the reason, are you a tomboy?). If mothering, nurturing, loving, and caring will be part of your future, you will not be able to stop it forever. But, you can give it your best shot. Sounds like you're already going in that direction though.
 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 10
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 5:47:38 AM
I personally think a person is who they are simple as that. I don't necessarily think this is a trait in all women, and there are men who can be very loving.

I've seen enough evidence in that to support both theories. I think society has painted these molds that are not necessaily true. How ever sometimes when it comes to not showing love, it means a person is afraid to, because they fear it will cause them to get too involved, put themselves at risk of hurt, etc.

You had a lesbian Mom who cared but did not show it well, just because she was the male side had nothing to do with that...again a person can be that way or not, what gender they are has nothing to do with it.

You might have some issue's growing up in this envionment, you might have fears about committing too far.

Then again, it might just be the way you are as a person and it will not change...I've rarely if ever "without there being issue's" have seen anyone change who they are in life.

I had a male friend to where his wife wanted him to open up and show it more, in time he did, but he did have issue's to overcome..effects from his parents.

If you find, its just how you are...I suggest when you do decide to get with someone...get with someone like yourself, because if you get with someone who needs someone to be able to show it...it will not work as a relationship.
 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 11
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 5:59:19 AM
Another thing...you might see other women being that way to their men, but do they do it over the long haul? Some women do, but some do it early in the relation, then taper off. Some do it untill children come along, then transfere it over to them, some continue it to the husband, some don't...then problems arise.

Sometimes being consistant is better than a quick rush or doing something early, then tapering off..that can make it seem not real or was really ulterior motives....but most people taper off some after the initial beginning.

So comparing yourself to others isn't always the best rule of thumb. Your young still and like most your age don't fully know yourself well yet, you had a unique and not common parenting, explore yourself, do you have any issues from this? Are you afraid to commit?

Then again it might just be who you are, my ex. was this way and it was just who she was, no issues. Then if so, I think its best you be with someone like yourself, perhaps them being that way, will cause you to show it a little more, if not, then you are compatible at least.
 Friendly widow
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 12
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Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 6:03:05 AM
I doubt that what you saw growing up was the typical interaction between 2 loving parents.That is how many people learn what is and is not appropriate between adults. You are still young and ,as others have said, perhaps when you find someone for whom you have feelings, a lot of things will happen naturally.In all likelihood a partner will ask for what he wants if it is missing!And you will learn as you find relationships, what is comfortable for you. Maybe volunteer with kids or seniors to get some practice dealing with needier people. There are also lots of books-try the library so you don't spend a fortune! Lots of people are not naturally very demonstrative and only get comfortable by pushing themsalves to be more open to another person.
 myblueshadow
Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 13
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Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 6:24:19 AM
I think you first have to define what exactly it is that you want to change. What does “be more loving” mean? What does it look like? Be as specific as possible with concrete, measurable behaviors. Think of yourself as a character in a book. You have to develop that characters personality and you do that through defining the actions/behaviors of that character. You be the author and decide how you want to act toward other people. Then develop a plan to implement those actions in small steps, evaluating yourself along the way. Don’t use your feelings as a measure because this will be a non-natural (meaning uncomfortable) process. If you have a close friend/family member that you can share your goals with, ask them to help with the evaluation.

One word of caution. Don’t judge yourself by what you think others are. We often see others very differently than how they see themselves.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 14
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Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 6:40:16 AM
Is having the feelings or expressing your feelings the issue, I wonder?
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 15
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 6:59:59 AM
finallyloving (msg 17) mirrors my own situation. I wasn't lovey-dovey at your age and in fact I think I was deliberately that way to avoid seeming too clingy. Then I met someone I couldn't keep my hands off of-- I was constantly rubbing his arm or his leg or giving him little kisses. I had this urge to take care of him, which isn't to say that he was some helpless dude who needed to be taken care of. He just made me feel it was safe to show him affection and the rest came naturally.

Don't mimic those behaviors just because you think you have to but keep in mind that most people do enjoy receiving affection from a person they like so don't hold yourself back if you're comfortable in showing it. I really feel that the lack of affection I showed when I was younger was the cause of some of my fizzled relationships.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 16
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 7:54:09 AM
I guess it depends on what kind of pampering and nurturing you're talking about. If you' re talking about serving a SO dinner at the table all the time, I'd say that's more like being a maid. But it could be showing affection such as kisses for no particular reason or subtle touches here and there or little gifts here and there that come from the heart or just saying 'love you'. To me nurturing a relationship is making that person a priority and showing it in the latter instance. OP, you're probably not lacking in that department. Maybe you haven't met the right person to inspire you in that area.
 x_file_
Joined: 9/30/2009
Msg: 17
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 8:18:10 AM


I don't want to go my whole life wondering how to show my feelings and also I feel like if I knew how to be more nurturing, then my relationships would BE more nurtured, instead of lacking in that department...


First you might want to learn more about yourself. Comparing yourself to others generally brings misery or false sense of pride. You ought to compare yourself to your true best self, your ideal you, the best practical and achievable version of you. Get it?

Just out of curiosity, what's stopping you from being more nurturing? Why do you want to be more nurturing, or even more loving?

I will give you a hint: It's for selfish reasons.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 18
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 2:02:57 PM
I'm not sure I understand what the difficulty is here. You want to be more nurturing because you want to be more nurturing?

I missed the part where this is having some negative effect on your life in some way... if that's because it isn't, then you're fine as you are.

Being a good listener is a whole separate matter. That's a learned skill for most of us, and you'll get it by, you guessed it I'm sure, practicing. You may already be better at it than you're crediting yourself for; that you are concerned about this probably shows itself in the form of making an effort. That's about all anyone can really reasonably expect anyway.
 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 19
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 3:22:16 PM
I think some might be comfusing showing love and some nurchuring...which the Op might have used the wrong word....with babying someone.

I'm thinking we are meerly talking about showing our love openly...not smothering a person. I think most express here, we like to hear something nice said to us, snuggle, be held, etc...Some cannot at all ever show it in public, and don't even express it at home that much..I think, thats where we are at.

OP...images and roles have dominated our society untill recently, even know we are not shed of all of that..Your Mom trying to be the role of the male half in a sense, might have taken on particulars to which she thought this is how she should look. And it either set a model for you to follow, or the lack of showing it herself, makes you apprehensive to show it, for fear of puuting in too much and losing it.

Who knows...you are at the age of soul searching discovering who you are, in time you might be a bit different, maybe you haven't met the right person to bring it out..maybe its just how you are.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 20
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Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 4:15:39 PM
I skimmed your reposts and have a headache so I'm not reading the whole thread, if I reiterate, forgive me.

Your mother wasn't the motherly type, which is one of the reasons that you have problems with it. My mother was I think until I hit about 8, so I don't remember her as nurturing but I either have some kind of gene for it or whatever she did when I was little, and living with my grandmother (who lived with us not the other way around) who was very nurturing probably made up for my mother's short-comings in that area.

If no one has mentioned it, get the book on the love languages because you may be nurturing in your own way you just don't show it in a way you equate with other people's way. I seem to have an obsessive need to cook for people if there is illness, death in family, or just because I care about someone. I seem to be not only passing this to my daughter, but my sons as well, as they get recruited more than occasionally in the cooking.

I think you should probably also examine if there is something that you are afraid of, like if you nurture someone, does it make you feel vulnerable? I think outside of figuring out where your head is at if you really do want to be able to show others more than you care, you just have to make yourself do it until it is comfortable. A bit like overcoming shyness, and recognize that it may never "feel" right, but if you want to be more like what you perceive of as a healthy, warm person in a relationship for a while it may mean sucking it up. But you can also let your partner know that this is something you would like to change about yourself and that he shouldn't take reticence on your part as you are working on it as a sign you don't care. Maybe it will ultimately take a nurturing guy to bring that out in you?
 aarykah86
Joined: 1/14/2010
Msg: 21
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/11/2010 1:36:33 AM
I am sure there are factors like how I grew up affecting my ability to love and care for others... but I also just don't feel the niche, the nack, etc. and my main statement was regarding developing these qualities in relationships. I believe that as I get older, more mature, wiser, etc. these things might get easier. Being 23 is HARD!
 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 22
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/11/2010 3:54:17 AM

Being 23 is HARD!


It just seems that way, when you get older you have new sets of problems....life is hardest probably when people have those responcibilities like a house and kids, etc.

Your at a young and free time of your life enjoy it now, it doesn't come around a second time.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 23
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/11/2010 4:42:20 AM
I'm with cooldudeinberlin that you should Google this. Not only are your readers here not experts, but it's extremely vague just what it is that you're asking. It gets vaguer with each post.

By searching on the subject yourself, you may find things that strike you as, "Oh, that's it!" And specifically, I'd recommend giving the psychcentral site a whirl, too.

Good luck!
 ajfedz
Joined: 12/25/2008
Msg: 24
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/23/2010 9:46:49 PM

Sometimes I wonder why I am not more loving in my relationships. I am female, and I thought women were supposed to be natural "nurturers". Especially when it comes to men (for straight women), it seems like most other women I know, by watching their actions and how they are in general with the people in their life, appear to be so much more nurturing and loving. I feel like these are weaknesses of mine because even if I do love someone, it just doesn't come natural to act caring and to baby people or pamper them or in any way SHOW the love. How can a person develop such qualities in themselves? I don't want to go my whole life wondering how to show my feelings and also I feel like if I knew how to be more nurturing, then my relationships would BE more nurtured, instead of lacking in that department...


Sorry, there is no cure in the world for being a cold and non-affectionate person.
I don't even like the work "nurtured", as it can be better replaced by the word "affectionate"!
 JeepHammer
Joined: 5/16/2007
Msg: 25
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Be more loving?
Posted: 3/24/2010 7:42:24 AM
While it's true you get out of a relationship what you put into it,
There is something to be said for letting the other party have some 'Breathing Room'...

Women like to talk ENDLESSLY about what ever is bothering them.
If 'She' comes home in a bad mood, she lets EVERYONE know about it from slamming the car door, to the back door, to the dog and cat...

If I take time and ask 'What's Up' about 4,000 times
(you always get 'NOTHING!' the first 3,999 times you ask)...
Then usually they will get around to putting it into words and getting it out.

For some reason, women stew on every little slight, actual or perceived, and they want you to DRAG it out of them...

If she comes home happy, I leave her alone, ask how her day was, and it's usually a fairly pleasant (and short!) conversation...
--------------------------------------------------------

With men, it's the other way around...
If they are in a bad mood, they want to think it over, try and figure out a solution, or do something to distract themselves from the issue and deal with it later.
They DO NOT want to 'Talk' about it, they want to think it through without a bunch of crap and hyperbole...

When they are in a good mood, they will be engaging to somewhat quiet & relaxed.
Nothing big going on, no 'Issues', so no reason to be talking about a bunch of crap...
----------------------------------------------------------

*IF*...
You don't know what to do...

Give a back rub, or foot rub if you are brave .
When I'm at a total loss for what's going on, a back rub is ALWAYS a good way to start things out and get people talking...

Relieving physical tension is a good way to let the other party 'Vent',
And it costs you nothing but a little time.
It certainly can't HURT the situation!
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