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 AUTHOR
 PennyAnte
Joined: 11/9/2014
Msg: 9
Sporadic Memoirs of an Addict Page 1 of 1    
I have been sober now since February 2012.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 11/9/2014
Msg: 10
Sporadic Memoirs of an Addict
Posted: 12/1/2015 8:06:03 PM
A lot of trauma surrounded my last relapse. I wasn't guarding my sobriety. I was caught up. Really caught up in a new kind of obsession.
I was turning 50 and I felt like a rose in full bloom. I thought nothing is going to get better, gravity is taking over and what ever. I'm never going to be as pretty as I was at 32. Life goes on. I was resigned to my age but I still felt like I was fading. The petals were falling.

I was finding the internet. I was late It was late 2007. My youngest only 11 so my priorities weren't finding men. I was afraid honestly. I didn't want to expose her to a ****ed up relationship. That was all I was capable of. I knew it.

One night I found my obsession. It became a proclivity almost over night. I found BDSM. It was taboo to me but something about it made me very excited. I started to look at images. Old images, new ones, ancient Chinese bondage and more. Stimulating. It went against everything I was reared up to want in a relationship. It was new and I was bored.

Not good for my outlook on everything. I didn't see it. It crept into my life slowly like a thick heavy fog. It was a distraction and I guesss the monkey on my back was calling for one. It slowly took me. Took me away from my vigilance over my disease. I started searching websites for clothing and toys and spending money that I didn't really have. I was creating a persona and she was a stranger.

to be continued....
 PennyAnte
Joined: 11/9/2014
Msg: 11
Sporadic Memoirs of an Addict
Posted: 12/1/2015 10:14:46 PM
I was on Myspace and I found some other date sites. I wouldn't join a full blown BDSM community but I asked for it anyway. I didn't see the truth. I just didn't know I was betraying myself. I was filling a void. I had been in dead end relationships and I was all over the place with my recovery at this point.

I started to give myself permission to smoke pot. yeah.. The gateway drug. It was enough for awhile. I had made some new connections with my Myspace page and I started to meet a few guys but just to smoke with them and fall off into long tangent conversations. They all wanted sex and although I was putting up a good front I wanted it too. I was getting more and more suggestive with my profile there too.

I started taking "selfies" all dolled up in the mirror. All in bondage like clothing and posting them. Nothing showing very soft but none the less they were cheap and a personification of the fantasies I was creating as a distraction.

I was a mess and I kept lying to myself. The lie felt better than how I felt about me. It was that simple. She came out of me. That stranger.

Well it was not long after that that I met the first man that wanted very much so to explore these dom life fantasy... and he helped me create a monster. One that cared nothing about my sobriety, dignity or ambitions. It was all going downhill and I thought I was on air, on a big fluffy cloud but I was falling fast.

to be continued...
 PennyAnte
Joined: 11/9/2014
Msg: 12
Sporadic Memoirs of an Addict
Posted: 12/1/2015 10:36:57 PM
Oh shyt.. I say it scurrying around the room to find my socks and panties. I see myself in the mirror over his bureau. WTF did I do?
I was sick. My shirt was soaked in wine in a ball on the floor. Why? I look back at him and he is still sleeping.

Why? I want to punch myself in the face. I pick up the shirt and I think how am I going to get out of here? Wait? Did I bring my car? Where am I. Then I pray, I hope no one sees me. Please not anyone I know.
It is early. I look over the room and he is sleeping. Im creeping around like a burglar hoping I can leave before he wakes up. I'm so mad at myself. Why did you do this? I get out the mental bat and start beating myself with it.

Oh I remember they are chanting " It works if you work it". I balk. God damn it. Why did you do this? I asked myself why the whole time I am getting dressed. They told me I would never have to feel this way again. I am hung over and I was supposed to be home the night before.
What am I going to tell my daughter watching her sister. Oh ****.. she has to go to work.

I don't have a watch and his body is blocking an alarm clock on the other side of the room . I'm already feeling like I have a plastic bag over my face. I am so afraid he is going to wake up. Shhhhh... oh shhhhh.. I can't see the time. Wtf. Wtf did I do??. My stomach has that empty feeling like it is mush. My eyes are burning. My shoulders feel like bricks. This is shit. SHIT. I want to scream.

I forget one sock and pull my boots over my pant legs. I don't want to see what I look like but there is the mirror. I look up a glance and I see her. That stranger. The one that lead me here. Her, that **** that took nine years and threw it away for a bottle of wine. Oh God. Wtf did I do?

.......
 PennyAnte
Joined: 11/9/2014
Msg: 13
Sporadic Memoirs of an Addict
Posted: 12/2/2015 4:23:24 PM
At the Podium

Yeah. I was sitting in the chair. Shifting, shaking, my lips started getting numb. My ego was playing on me big. I mean I was a looker. The men in the room were looking and I knew it.At 32 I was shaven, tattooed, pierced way before my time. Oh yeah. I was planning a performance. The old man next to me stutters out a joke. He is half drunk. I say why was this the last seat?

He leans in. I can tell he is about to get a kick out of himself. He says. Miss. Missy. I nod, Mary Beth, how are you? I treat the drunks like gold because seeing them is a sobering blessing. His breathing is heavy. A raspy voice chuckles out " My gramma was screwed, blued and tattooed. He laughs out loud.

I'm getting pissed at him. What the ****. What do you mean? I don't get it. I try to put him in his place. So he just repeats it. " My gramma was screwed, blued and tattooed. Ha ha gkkkk. He starts to cough and a spittoon came out of his nose. I was completely wanting to go manic on him. OMG. I got snot on me. WTF. SNOT.

I Get up and back into a cup of coffee the lame brain that had sandwiched me in the chair and spill the thing. :****, ****en aye, **** what the ****. I utter out **** about 12 times and look up at the lady behind me... and she is one of the member grandmothers that thinks I am a peach.

Okay. So now I am looking for the exit. Three guys get up to help me with this sudden chaos. They come at me one more charming than the next. I'm not looking to get scooped. I just wanted to share at the podium.
The god damn podium. I just wanted to share some hope and there I was screaming **** in front of an elderly lady. I was completely humiliated. Yup. Booze will do that to you. I didn't speak. I didn't talk that night. I chickened out and I didn't think I was gonna be able to talk about anything with the snot on my shirt anyway.

I waited until the break and told the chairman to just please take me off the list and ducked out a back door. I didn't talk about that night much either. I just thought maybe my higher power was really fucking with that big ego.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 11/9/2014
Msg: 14
Sporadic Memoirs of an Addict
Posted: 12/2/2015 6:07:18 PM
So. I am sitting in the halls. The day was a long one. A frilly voice came in my head and said. Make your day around a meeting. A sing saying voice. A swanky taunting voice. I just want to get drunk. I'm not even sure if I just want to get laid. Not drunk at all.
I'm posturing. I have on some kind of insane outfit and I am in the corner eyeing this jewish kid. He has on the beany hat. No disrespect. I ccan't think of the name. That thing. So.. I like attention. You know any kind of attention so I start posing in my chair. Like a douche.

The guy stays til the end of the meeting and I get up and prance around before the guy gets up. Before the guy leaves. I check my perefrials to see if he is checking me out and bingo there you go.

So. I saunter off to the ladies room to see if he will follow me out of the meeting. yeah. To see if I could come one in the parking lot. He is younger than me.. and I feel like a cougar. Why not? The clothing, the shoes, the thigh highs. I had it all on. I went into the meeting wearing a librarian look and omg I got the eyes. So. I saunter out thinking I'm some kind of hot shyt and that maybe I can make some gravy out this guy. Yeah, like maybe I can salt him up for supper and see if he wants a little bread on his butter. Ah ha. I was cruising at a ****ing meeting. What a gem.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 11/9/2014
Msg: 15
Sporadic Memoirs of an Addict
Posted: 12/2/2015 6:14:23 PM
So I am headed for him.. he is a newbie. fresh pickings. I am just spanking myself on my way over. You know. I think I'm hot. So I walse in front of him while he is in a conversation.. pretending I need to scoot my way by him to get passed a whole great big parking lot. I am dreaming.

I get to him and he is somewhat timid. I'm guessing with the hat he is all proper and I want to get my vixen on with him. I'm guessing that he has some kind of personality. SO I say Welcome, Good to meet you. Hi, I'm Mary, everybody calls me Mary Beth. K? So the kid he is chatting to says. Yeah. There are a lot of Mary's here. They don't call you Mary Beth. They call you tiny Mary. So I said. Yeah at least they don't call me FAT Mary. They both chuckled and that was my in. Broke the ice.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 11/9/2014
Msg: 16
Sporadic Memoirs of an Addict
Posted: 12/2/2015 8:14:11 PM
Two Sickies Don't Make A Welly

I'm with him now. Yes come my little pigeon and crawl up under my wing. This is bad. This is twisted and I know it. Deep down I know it. I am pushing it with the fine lines and make up and I am standing just perky enough to make him wonder what was under my skirt. That's what I am thinking. I wonder if he will do the coffee thing. I'm preying and praying.

So he says yeah and leads me to his truck. I ask him to wait and go and scoop up some provisions in my car and go and sit in his. He is adorable. Man and good God how are you making him so fine? I'm fantasizing before I reach over to unlock his door. He has an old chevy truck . Just my style. I want to tell him how my Uncle Louie had a truck like that but I would be dating myself and I wanted to guess I could keep him guessing. He did and age came up.

We had the typical debate about age blah blah blah and somehow it went on the the forbidden two. Never discuss religion or politics. Oh my. Flirting with the sweet little man and now this. We are discussing the difference. Trinity, Jesus, Allah, Torah, New testament. I think he is trying hard. Is he trying to impress me? I was hoping he was. So the water gets testy and I am reading into his eyes like wow, his eyes are like an angels. He has fire burning in his pupils. There was something about him. This was stimulating. We were fighting about truth.

I never thought much about spirituality. No, Not me. I know a set of doctrines. I know the commandments. I know the 613 laws. I am versed. I can rehearse scripture. Chapter, verse, fancy numbers and all. I can do it. I understood Dogma I could translate it to lay mans terms. I was a teacher but a follower none the less. I taught for years. I knew how to be a good parrot. Now I was finding out recovery was spiritual. Threefold. Mind body spirit, mental, physical, spiritual. Threefold. That rang into my heart like the trinity.



This time coming around. This time the halls sparked a new inspiration. It was spiritual. Newcomer me thought it was a cult from the get go. Now I am thirsting for my own truths and trying to find my God.

I never thought much about spirituality. No, Not me. I know a set of doctrines. I know the commandments. I know the 613 laws. I am versed. I can rehearse scripture. Chapter, verse, fancy numbers and all. I can do it. I understood Dogma I could translate it to lay mans terms. I was a teacher but a follower none the less. I taught for years. I knew how to be a good parrot. Now I was finding out recovery was spiritual. Threefold. Mind body spirit, mental, physical, spiritual. Threefold. That rang into my heart like the trinity. I wanted to explore that. This religious mind was at that door.

I tell the kid. I am a recovering Catholic. He laughs and talks back. We are both feeling this energy. I stop looking at him like a piece of meat. This isn't what is happening. I am getting a connection here that is crazy. Crazy good.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 11/9/2014
Msg: 17
Sporadic Memoirs of an Addict
Posted: 12/3/2015 6:21:24 PM
I'm drunk. WTF. How does this happen? All night I'm supposed to be going home from the ****ing meeting at 9:00. **** me I have done it to my oldest again. I am a scuzz sucking ****. Oh no my tongue is on the roof of my mouth. Oh Jesus I am gonna lose it. She always get the shyt end of the stick. Oh **** you. I regurgitate I am sick oh no. I don't even know who's house I am in and look at these beautiful carpets. Wow. Look at them. Oh my God it is the kid. What did I do?

I did nothing. My mind is a blank. OMG. No I remember now droning out verses. Oh God.Forgive me. I was drinking and trying to talk about you. I go in his bathroom. Off of his room and I go on my knees. Here is no act of contrition. No Jesus. This is me puking up chinese food.
OMG. IT got on the rugs. Oh my God. I didn't quite make itto the room. I hate myself. Why did I eat the chinese food. IT was that swank restaurant and why why did I say okay to order that skeleton drink. Oh **** me. Woe wooe is me. I find some paper napkins and I covertly try to wipe up the train wreck that just wrenched out of the bottom of my gut.
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