Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Is It A Deal Breaker?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 4
view profile
History
Is It A Deal Breaker?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
If he was seriously going through AA he wouldn't be dating, he wouldn't be drinking and he wouldn't be failing...he'd be doing his steps and not dating for a good year or more after he's sobered up and gone through his steps. What he's doing is warning you that he's a drunk and hoping that you are an enabler looking for a drunk to be your addiction. When people tell you they are damaged, believe them and unless you are into drama & damage yourself, let them alone. He's testing your desperation level.
 Friendly widow
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 7
view profile
History
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/11/2010 7:24:06 PM
what Daynadaze said!!! She never minces words and nailed this one!
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 8
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/11/2010 7:25:16 PM
While I'd prefer a guy who can toss back some drinks now and then, a teetotaler wouldn't be a deal-breaker. However, a guy going through "failing attempts at AA" would be.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 9
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/11/2010 7:27:19 PM
YES this is a Deal Breaker.

He has to fight his own battle right now and he should not be dating until he has resolved his drinking problems.
If you are looking for a relationship, look for a healthy one. You do not need or deserve to be unhappy. You do not need to help him, he has to help himself.

It is nice that he has good qualities, remember them as ones that you like and go out and find someone that has those good qualities, and also ones that you feel are important.
 sanddallor
Joined: 8/30/2008
Msg: 13
view profile
History
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/11/2010 7:54:33 PM
That's some pretty serious honesty, but not a situation for the faint of heart.

I would think your own doubts are cause enough pass him over.
 happygal_28
Joined: 9/25/2005
Msg: 16
view profile
History
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/11/2010 8:54:49 PM
Don't GO there!!!

Deal breaker... 'nuf said.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 22
view profile
History
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/11/2010 10:20:19 PM
The guy has an alcohol problem and the one program that has actually helped thousands of people kick it isn't working for him and he has also indicated that this is after multiple attempts. Most people are told that they are better off staying out of any type of romantic relationship until sober for at least a year. Don't bother to put on shoes, run.
 winteragain
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 28
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/12/2010 1:10:50 AM
Wow, guy shines above the rest, he beats other dudes in the love category, everything goes great, he was completely honest with you and you punish this guy because of his disease and for being honest. Good morals there, you breaking it off with him for actually telling the truth. why? because telling the truth is always bad?
 Cat*Eyes
Joined: 9/13/2006
Msg: 29
view profile
History
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/12/2010 1:33:55 AM
Say NO to relationships with alcoholics, whether current alcoholics or recovering alcoholics. My 2 most major relationships were both Alcoholics. I am experienced.
My advice: Do NOT get involve with alcoholics until they have sucessfully recovered from DRINKING alcohol. A person who is an alcoholic will always be an Alcoholic. There is no actual cure. They must NOT ever drink alcohol again to be considered recover. Please excuse my spelling, but you all get the point.
 Cat*Eyes
Joined: 9/13/2006
Msg: 30
view profile
History
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/12/2010 1:58:57 AM
OP, threader starter, at least the guy you like was honest with you. But he is not ready for a real relationship during his struggling recovering stage. Most of us gave you good advice. The rest is up to you. Please do re-read all the good advice we gave you here. Please move on, until this guy is officially s0 called recovered. Please take this advice from an experienced person as myself, you do not want to be there with him now. It will only bring you down. You are not the support he need now. The good thing is, he is trying. Meanwhile, move on and keep searching.
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 35
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/12/2010 5:14:15 AM

Good morals there, you breaking it off with him for actually telling the truth. why? because telling the truth is always bad?

So this makes the guy a saint just because he was honest about something that's a deal breaker for most people?

If (or when) this guy DOES successfully begin the AA program, I believe they strongly advise that you DON'T enter into a relationship for ONE YEAR. That one year is supposed to be used to get your shit together and concentrate on making yourself better. So even if the OP were to ignore all the flying red flags and try to enter into a relationship with this guy, it wouldn't end well anyway.

"Saint" or not OP, run like your ass is on fire. Then run faster.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 40
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/12/2010 8:37:40 AM
Hm, he's not supposed to be dating if he's going through the steps, so already I know something about him and I don't even know him.

He is transitioning (hopefully) and making a HUGE life decision right now--why would YOU want to put YOURSELF through HIS trauma?

Yes, it is a deal-breaker.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 42
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/12/2010 9:13:01 AM
OP, if AA isn't working for him I wouldn't date him. Dating an alcoholic brings too many problems and would be a deal breaker for me. Now if he was someone who has successfully given up alcohol I wouldn't date him.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 43
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/12/2010 9:16:37 AM
daynadaze:
If he was seriously going through AA he wouldn't be dating


Really? Why?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 54
view profile
History
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/12/2010 11:52:18 PM


If he was seriously going through AA he wouldn't be dating


Really? Why?

One of the reasons that people are unsuccessful in AA and remember, the OP described the man as having failed multiple times with AA, is because he is not working the program. Whether someone is not genuine in the forgiveness stuff or whether it is doing things that tend to derail sobriety like getting involved in romantic relationships when emotionally unprepared, and likely to turn to the drink when those emotions are churned up.

By dating her he is showing yet again that he is ignoring what he needs to do to get sober. It is like trying to get somewhere but refusing to use the map in the glove compartment. AA because of the steps of the program helps people that were having no success controlling their addiction on their own. Part of this is avoiding things that create problems. The fact that he wants to date you illustrates AA failure #, how many times has he tried this?
 FaggotMan
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 57
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/13/2010 12:37:44 AM
I don't know if it's a deal breaker... Does he have a beer belly?
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 59
view profile
History
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/13/2010 4:27:09 AM
yes it's a definite deal breaker....

and it probably wasn't him shining, but the alcohol giving him an artificial coating of appearing brighter than the others....

has he shown you his alcohol-free side yet? or shared the reasons why he drinks and can't stop?

sincerely wish him well and move on.....unless you want to 'help' him remain an alcoholic....

(also please take a look within...check you don't have a part of you that thinks you can save him)

ahh..edit to add...seems the op was only on pof a week, started three threads, and is now gone....wonder if she chose the alcoholic after all....
or perhaps this was a fake thread...or maybe it was actually herself she was talking about, for her apparent naivety was a little alarming....well, guess we'll never know...
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 61
view profile
History
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/13/2010 7:21:26 AM
It is a deal-breaker, BIG TIME, for me.
 coachjohn
Joined: 6/20/2007
Msg: 69
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/19/2010 4:58:21 PM
My advice to you is. . . Run Forest!
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Is It A Deal Breaker?