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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?      Home login  
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 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 5
Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Almost all of my exes started as friends, and most are still friends after the fact. I only date guys I really dig, get along with, admire - so to me once things end (and most of my relationships ended with mutual respect) there's no reason to cut them out of your life at least not forever.

I was of course instantly attracted to them all before things ever happened - but I tend to look beyond that and find things about their character that I identify with or can learn from which does intensify the attraction. From there it may or may not turn into something, I roll with the flow.

I don't plan relationships, they sort of happen. *shrug*
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 7
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Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 3/13/2010 12:53:19 PM
Holey "silliest-thing-I've-read-today-award", batman! "Friends help friends solve sexual frustration?" Oich! That sounds only SLIGHTLY worse than suggesting that SIBLINGS help SIBLINGS with their sexual frustration. It definitely puts sexual togetherness into the category of things that include making sure your car's oil is changed on time, and that the radiator is topped off.
I can only assume the OP is referring to having a LONG term friend, one day become a lover. I've heard of it, not experienced it. I've known friends who TRIED to have sex after a long time as friends, and who ended up laughing at the silliness of it and giving up because they felt that they were just not the lover types. I see no reason one COULDN'T fall in love with an old friend, it would simply be a matter that one's personal growth reached a fruition which suddenly changed the equation between the two.
It seems to be different for each age range, too. The older people are, the more likely it is that moving from friends to lovers will work, and the less likely it is that they'll find it DOESN'T, but remain friends anyway. Amongst the younger set, it's a gamble fraught with peril. The friendship ALWAYS ends, sometimes because they stay together and become REALLY good friends, and often because they find themselves to be incompatible as lovers, and only ONE feels right about letting go.
 max388
Joined: 3/8/2010
Msg: 13
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Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 3/13/2010 3:15:19 PM
OMG.. SOSDD.... a person that has it figured it out!!.....Marry me!!....lol seriously... How many women out there will pic up a stranger at a bar and sleep with them no problem, but would never touch a friend.... I know many..... go figure....
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 17
Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 3/13/2010 4:17:42 PM

I am reading this thread and wonder about people. Seems backwards to be lovers and then friends. Shouldn't you be friends and then lovers? Don't you want to be with someone that is your best friend and then lover? I don't sleep with people I don't know and should hope that I am friends with someone before I sleep with them...

I agree. Long time friends are that way because I'm not attracted to them, they are taken, or they aren't into me. But I do like to build a friendship with someone I have attraction to and interest in because once I know I WOULD sleep with a guy - his personality, sense of humor, intelligence, and other things will intensify or kill that attraction, and if they are in my favor those are the things that make me want to actually sleep with him.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 27
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Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 4/15/2010 10:55:29 AM
For the most part, we reverted back to being friends that have memories that we just decide to keep to ourselves.........

I do find, for the most part, that if you start out as friends and friends alone, it is for a reason, and even if you become lovers some time, it does not usually last because if you were attracted to each other as lovers first, most things turn out much differently.

I let my friends know that if we are going to be lovers as well, it must not be at the expense of being friends, and I let my lovers know, that if we do not work, there is no reason why we still can not be friends. The hard part is in the leaving and if both do it mutually, or if one feels slighted in some way, and how they handle it.

Attitude and self worth will dictate how one approaches life, friends, and lovers, and if one can not transcend on, they need to know where to draw that line.

cd.........
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 29
Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 4/15/2010 12:17:52 PM
Nope...not me...

I am the type when I meet you- if I want to get something going with you. I will get your number and typically within less than a week, sometimes a day or 2 later- I am asking to take you out again.

I don't know any other speed.

To me- I like striking while the iron is hot...while there is interest.

A spark...I like sparks...I like chemistry...

So I usually jump right in...


If we are already friends- well I for some reason cannot see you as anything as other than a friend. I mean I could definitely have sex with a "friend" or a woman that we've never made any romantic gestures towards that I've known for a while- but for some reason...

I like the beginning to happen with a boom..that excites me...

Dunno why...
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 34
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Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 4/15/2010 6:42:20 PM
I started out friends first and ended up going out with her and living with her for seven years. It was different at first but we warmed it up to boiling. In the end things faded and we went our separate ways. Since then I've had relationships that burned then crashed.

I always figured you could be friends and lovers- in either order. From the look of this thread, it's kind of a split issue. I just think that for long term, a relationship can run hot, then warm, then hot again. Just don't let it go cold- which is a bigger trick than it seems.
 girlred228
Joined: 6/23/2008
Msg: 38
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Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 4/16/2010 2:15:20 PM
Well I think you should have a friendship within the relationship, but I am usually friends after the relationship is over. Especially if I really loved them..but we just couldn't get the relationship going on the right track.. but the dynamics of the relationship/friendship changes.. and there is not much hanging out.. just checkup seeing how the other is doing. But having a friend; that used to be your love; that you talk to constantly doesn't seem healthy.. how does one really move on.. I think.. someone always wants more whether they say so or not... but it all depends on the people involved.. I have experienced this.. if I wanted just the friendship.. the other person wanted more or vice versa.. so for me.. I don't think it is wise to have a friendship where you interact all the time...
 aloeverakills
Joined: 3/13/2011
Msg: 45
Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 10/11/2011 5:31:07 PM
My hubby and I were friends for a few years before we started dating. I always really liked him, he is smart and interesting and insane. Plus, he looks like a mountain man, and he is really attractive if he grooms the beard or cuts it off, but it's kinda fun that only I really know what he looks like without, lol.
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 47
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Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 7/24/2014 6:47:48 PM
Nope, never did the, "friends before lovers" thing.

Sounds good 'in theory' though............(not).

I firmly believe most people do not have 2 authentic "friends" on this planet. Let you need a sofa to sleep on for 6 months, to borrow $5000, or someone to hang out with for a couple of months (while they are in a relationship with someone), and see what they tell you. Hell, I know what people have asked of me, and I think to myself, "Sh*t, as far as I am concerned, we're barely acquaintances. I cannot help you. Do you have any friends that you could ask?"

Put me very solidly into the preferring, "lovers before friends" camp. If I am going to be rejected, I want it to come very quickly.

"Hi, I've seen you here before. You have a cute smile. Are you single?"

"No."

"O.K."

Probably 100 threads here (and a thousand miscellaneous posts) about people stuck in the "friend zone".

But, then again, I am a realist.
 Debisue64
Joined: 1/19/2014
Msg: 48
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Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 7/24/2014 7:04:13 PM
Well.. i tried this.

My last boyfriend was a "good" friend for years.. we worked together ... and he was even my boss for a while.

I was heartbroken at the time he made his move.. I told him.. i was not ready for a relationship.. he pressed and pressed.. So, .... I gave in. He was the NICEST man I've ever known. -(how can i get hurt by a nice guy?)

Ah.. but niceness was his "currency".. and he cashed in.

we dated for almost 8 months.. and he dumped me (for someone else).. leaving me as his ENEMY.

Had he treated me with decency.. we would still be friends to this day.. ahh. nice guys.. are they really nice.. really?

I did not trust myself again to try again.. its been over 3 yrs.
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 49
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Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 7/24/2014 7:47:43 PM
@Debi

Sorry to read about your experience. You will love (and be loved) again. You are stronger and wiser.

"Authenticity", that's what I think is missing from a lot of people's interactions today.

Yes, I believe that because most of us (for whatever our reasons), do not socialize like our parents, grandparents, etc. that we are lulled into false intimacy (social media, websites, etc.), intimacy that often requires NONE of the 'burdens' of an authentic 'friendship', and thus many of us throw the "f" word around all willy nilly. I read in these forums where people claim to have, "a bunch of friends", "all my friends", woo, woo. Their definition of "friend" must be different from mine. I have one "friend". Known him since 1989. I have maybe 20 acquaintances. They're great for going out to eat, mutual activities, woo, woo, but I would not and could not count on them, if the 'chips were ever down'. Years ago, I met a Muslim guy (I do not know which sect), who explained to me, "As Muslim's, we do not just call everyone we meet or have known for a while, 'friends'. He said, in his faith, a 'friend' had to meet at least 3 criteria:
1) They have to have 'broken bread' together. 2) They had to have traveled a great distance together. 3) They had to have conducted business together. People can get into all the semantics and, "what ifs", but I like the idea of having criteria and/or standards for people BEFORE I just go throwing the "F" word around, and the way I see it, this is a very decent baseline for "friendship".

On TWO different occasions, in TWO different workplaces, I have had grown, adult women breakdown in tears to me at the workplace (once 10 years ago, and once last year). I did not know either of these women beyond saying, "Hi" & "Bye". Did not work particularly closely with either of them. I did however take it as a compliment that there must have been something "authentic" that saw in me, to become so vulnerable. It is often said that, in general, women have more and deeper 'friendships' than men (in general). To this very day, I think to myself, "Didn't either of these women have a "friend" that they could have leaned on, before they got to their breaking point, with ME, a virtual stranger? Again, I was flattered, but also felt a little sad for them.

It is unfortunate, however, the way I see it, an attractive woman can never trust a "nice" guy. I can imagine that her thinking must almost always be, "Is he really a genuine and authentic person?" OR "Is he pretending to be 'nice' and 'accomodating', because he would like to see me nekkid?"

Similarly, I often ask/tell women who claim that they're "funny", "How do you know you're funny?' They often say, "Guys tell me I am funny all the time." I hate to break it to them, but, if an attractive woman asks, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Most guys are smiling, sniggling, and giggling, before she gets the sentence out of her mouth. It has NOTHING to do with her being 'funny'. I work with an extremely attractive woman. It's the first time in my life when I have been in such close quarters with an attractive female stranger. All of my male colleagues are married, and yet it is pathetic to watch and listen to them fawn all over this woman. Can't feel sorry for her, because (to men), she's the equivalent of a rock star however, I can imagine most of her life she has had to question the motives of men she has crossed paths with.

I just think that because so very many of us live these super-insulated lives today (versus our parents and grandparents), we tend to like to live under the illusion of all these 'friends' we have or making opposite sex people 'friends' in order to mitigate being hurt. I do overstand it, I really do. It's just not for me. When I was younger, I had an unfounded fear of rejection (and I get angry with myself for those wasted years). Nowadays, I do not fear rejection. For me, it's merely a mildly unpleasant blip on the radar (like biting my tongue or banging my elbow against something).

For ME, I don't like to pretend that something is more or different than what it is. I don't want or need the cover of 'friendship' to take a chance on being with a woman. Actually, like you, I would be MUCH more disappointed if a so-called, "friend" treated me in the manner in which you described, than if it were a woman I met at the bookstore and things just didn't work out.

That which does not kill me, makes me stronger.
 easterparadehat
Joined: 4/14/2014
Msg: 50
Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 7/26/2014 5:15:09 AM
I agree with most of the above. I do have a comment though, spot on with the "nice guy" thing. Men who have to consistently let you know they are nice guys usually are the ones that are so far from it. Men who are actually respectful are the ones that don't have to brag about it, they just are.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 52
Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 7/26/2014 9:37:07 AM
^^^You mean if it works into happily-ever-after in romance novels and movies, it won't be a guarantee to be the same way in real life? What a shocker.

Are we talking about someone who has been friend zoned from a dating site, or somebody you grew up with? Either way, I agree that chances are slim.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 56
Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 7/27/2014 8:43:24 AM
I may have responded to this before. I prefer to be friends first with someone I am attracted to, meaning I want to be able to talk to them, laugh with them, etc - a dimension that matters to me when I'm with someone (some don't need this in their dating lives). Friends first means I expect it to become more. Many confuse this with "just friends" which means one or both have no romantic interest in the other.
 sddude
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 57
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Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 7/29/2014 12:06:49 PM
The only woman I married (RIP) we were like best friends for about a year saw each other almost daily, she proposed hahaha, we got married and stayed best friends while married while now having more sex than everyone else, since we knew eachother more than most people confided all of our fantasies and dreams, it was just the cherry on top.

For someother people things changes for the worsteither because one or both are not quality people or because they are not really best friends, just aquaintances.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 59
Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 7/29/2014 2:24:14 PM
had a female friend surprise me by asking me out. it was a surprise b/c she said she'd never date a friend. plus, she was already dating someone, and said she would rather be single than be disappointed in a date. got to know her better as a result of becoming a lover. eventually we went our separate ways. but likely it would have happened anyway. or maybe it was b/c she realized I got to know her too well :)

I think I'm up to 3 ex's as acquaintances now. people grow up, get more mature...it happens. sometimes.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 61
Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 7/31/2014 7:01:37 AM

But if friends first doesn't mean just friends, that means "friends first" = more-than-just-friends, first. Well... at first, I would hope one's not getting serious right off the bat, right? Do you mean act-like-just-friends, but you're not really just friends?

It means we have an interest in each other as people and plan on adding to it in a romantic sense. It means the foundation of the relationship (to be) is a solid close friendship. If you see "friends" as non-romantic then I can see how that would confuse you. It basically means if there was nothing romantic in it for us we could still relate as companions.

I think the question is about you are just friends at first -- have you experienced becoming lovers? Not "Did you do the friends-first thing and that work out?" The latter has a higher chance, although still very low unless there's a mutual understanding that both really like each other already.

I think that's the question too. As in - you know each other for 10 years and there's no interest in romance and then one day it suddenly appears. I think if it goes in this direction it was always there, even if the people involved weren't aware of it.

IMO, chances for a guy to turn a female friend who's a great catch he could never get so easily, into a gal who wants to date him & be into him -- very slim. Never count on it. Can it happen? Sure. So do car accidents. But chances are very small that cars buzzing by are about to collide with something right then. :)

Sometimes that friendship is BECAUSE of the lack of romantic interest. So it's not there causing any tension and that person can just be who they are and enjoy the company of the other person. That sometimes will cause a romantic interest in that other person with the hope that it could be more since it's so comfortable - when the lack of attraction is what makes it so comfortable. Did I explain that right?
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 63
Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 7/31/2014 8:24:41 AM
I can never see a situation where a person has an opposite sex friend where there were never any thoughts of it ever becoming romantic, and being more like a brother-sister relationship, and then suddenly someone has a light bulb moment to change it to a romantic/sexual relationship. I can understand two people dating, deciding after a few dates that they are not compatible as lovers, but otherwise enjoy each other's company, so they go the platonic friend zone route. But not the other way around.

If I meet a woman in whatever circumstance, I will know in a very short time if she's someone I would like to date or not. I would no go down the "let's just be platonic friends" path. That would be deceiving and not truthful if I had any thoughts of changing the status at some point in the future.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 66
Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 7/31/2014 12:59:59 PM
What happens in a "friends first" scenario when one person says :"I want to change our relationship status now from friends only to a romantic/lovers relationship" and the other person says: "I'm not ready for that yet. Keep it at platonic friends until I'm ready, and I don't know how long that will take.", or flat out says they want to keep the friendship at a platonic level permanently? Wouldn't that put a damper on the friendship? It might even end the friendship if the person wanting the change is disappointed in the other person's decision.
 easterparadehat
Joined: 4/14/2014
Msg: 69
Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 7/31/2014 7:41:41 PM
Everybody should be friends before they are lovers. The whole question is odd to me. A vast majority of my extended family have told me they married their "best friend" and 95% are still married 2 or more decades later.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 73
Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 8/1/2014 7:13:46 AM
Indeed, people do define the word, "friend" differently. For some, a friend is a person they can have fun with, and not worry about being betrayed/used/backstabbed. Its their drinking buddy who has their back. For others, a friend is someone they can rely on for deeper things than just a night out. Someone they share beliefs with, someone they can come to not just for BBQ of exotic meats and meals, but also to tell tales of woe before breaking bread.

If you think a friend is someone you can have fun with and they aren't narcistic enough to turn you off, then I can see how you think a friend can become a lover.
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 75
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Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 8/2/2014 11:04:36 AM
NJ2UT has hit the nail on the head PERFECTLY!

Put me VERY solidly into the, "lover's first, THEN friends" camp.

To add to NJ2UT's post, (and echoing what an earlier poster typed), it is the indirect, coy (Who, me?), B.S. communication style of far too many women, that I find irritating.

I would have major respect and hand out mad 'props' to a woman who was straight up and down like 6 o'clock and said:

"Hey, I'm a 'wear my heart on my sleeve' kinda' woman, it has come back to hurt me many times in the past; I like you, but I can only proceed if we take things very slowly, and the 'getting to know you' process does not involve sex. Then, if BOTH OF US agree that there is still mutual chemistry/compatibility, we will go from there. What are YOUR thoughts?"

***Notice there is a QUESTION there for you to respond to? She did not DICTATE some subtle, "take it, or leave it" undercover ultimatum.***

A woman (that I have any level of attraction to), says that to me, and she would d@mn near have me in her back pocket. I would literally be carrying her LV handbag through the mall. She would be halfway to MY heart for her authenticity, crystal clear communication style, and, for "keeping it 1000."

Like MOST PEOPLE, I do NOT do ultimatums. My answer is always, "No" to an ultimatum, even if it's something that I want.......................just "on the strength" of the mind-set of a person who WOULD offer an ultimatum.

But, NOOOOOOOOOOO.........MOST women have to play the "wounded little bird"/victim (because, of course, ONLY women get hurt.............guys LOVE being hurt), by communicating INDIRECTLY, playing games/hedging bets, and (MY real issue), subtly or not so subtly, "dictating terms" with, "Let's get to know each other as friends first."

***Notice the declarative statement.*** "If you want to have a shot at seeing me nekkid, then you will dance to MY tune."

Uh, hell to the nawl! Not as long as I have hands.

A woman (that I am attracted to), can get d@mn near ANYTHING out of me, IF she comes at me with respect AND on some, "we're equals", and I am going to communicate EXACTLY what I want, to you, BUT, I also want your input/feedback type "grown woman" status.

I ain't gonna' lie...........I NEVER liked the condescending/patronizing, "Let's get to know each other as friends, first" speech..................and in my younger days, I would, "lay in the cut", like a lion on the Serengeti, hiding in the tall grass, thinking, "O.K., I'll play YOUR game, then, when I got what I wanted, I was O-U-T (like a nightlight), just on (G)eneral (P)rinciple. The G.P. being, I have NEVER had a "real" friend, DICTATE terms & conditions to me (like signing up for Netflix or something), PRIOR to our 'friendship' commencing.

"Well, NikonGuy, you didn't go fishing/come to the concert with me last month AND you didn't come to my birthday party, so now I no longer want to be 'friends' with you. The 'friendship' is over." <----------Nope, never had a male OR female 'friend' (or even a d@mn acquaintance) say anything like that to me.

Maybe I'm just particularly good about the 'friends' and acquaintances I choose.
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 77
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Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 8/2/2014 4:17:55 PM
@TheWayYouWere

I overstand completely what you typed.

I have always been rather low-maintenance however, I very probably would, "feel some type of way" if I've been kicking it with a woman (where the feeling is mutual), for a couple of months, she invites me to some function, and introduces me as, "This is my friend, NikonGuy."

It could be argued that I am overly into the semantics however, MY point is..............she can leave OUT the word, "friend", and just say, "This is NikonGuy".

MY issue is EXACTLY what you wrote.......................that women use the word, "friend" to their maximum advantage in terms of (their own) flexibility. I am not down with that.

I am a grown @$$ man, and the only way I am "going with the program" is IF something is presented to me (in the form of a question) for my input, and NOT a unilateral, ultimatum/declaration of what SHE wants.

Now, it could also be argued that, "NikonGuy, that's why you're single." My answer is, "O.K. I am NOT willing to be led around and dictated to, like a lil Mitch. I would prefer to be in a relationship (with a woman, where there is mutual attraction, chemistry, compatibility, and respect)." While I do not want to, I am fully prepared to be single for the rest of my days on this rock, before I let someone turn me into their Mitch.

At the end of the day, I do NOT believe that most women will respect a man who just, "quietly goes along with her program". I have been described as, "difficult", and I am proud of it.

You ASK me for something, 9 times out of 10, I will give it to you
but,
you're not going to TAKE anything from me, including my manhood.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 78
Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 8/2/2014 5:28:25 PM

NikonGuy007:
I would have major respect and hand out mad 'props' to a woman who was straight up and down like 6 o'clock and said:

"Hey, I'm a 'wear my heart on my sleeve' kinda' woman, it has come back to hurt me many times in the past; I like you, but I can only proceed if we take things very slowly, and the 'getting to know you' process does not involve sex. Then, if BOTH OF US agree that there is still mutual chemistry/compatibility, we will go from there. What are YOUR thoughts?"

***Notice there is a QUESTION there for you to respond to? She did not DICTATE some subtle, "take it, or leave it" undercover ultimatum.***


You want us to believe because someone didn't SAY "What are YOUR thoughts?" You're incapable of giving a response? ROTFLMAO.

If you're having a conversation with someone & they make a statement, the question of your thoughts about it is Implied. What you're doing is just Playing Word Games.

We've seen time & again in the Forums, you're perfectly able to respond to others opinions. YET, you want us to believe the lack of a "What are YOUR thoughts?", would leave you sitting there speechless. ROTFLMAO.
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