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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > How to avoid repeating the pattern?      Home login  
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 maximusminimus
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 2
How to avoid repeating the pattern?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Well, what is your pattern?

Patterns come from somewhere.

Usually they get learned growing up. How was your father like the men you choose?

How was your parent's relationship like your own?

Monkey see, monkey do.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 3
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/14/2010 3:47:50 PM
I suggest you take this to a legitimate counselor. Find yourself one that you feel comfortable with. He/She will assist you with that question. Asking it on the forums is not really going to get you the answer that you are looking for.
 BBQ Spider
Joined: 11/9/2009
Msg: 4
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/14/2010 4:30:52 PM
I'm not so sure that you're SO screwed up. Being able to admit you play a part in it [as opposed to whining "why are all men such users?"] too is more than many people can ever learn to do; and if you shortened the turnaround from 18 years to 18 months, I'd call that improvement.

Also agree with above suggestion to do at least a little work with a qualified counselor. There's the catch: many in that profession although they look good on paper, are too screwed up to help anybody else; so make your selection carefully.

The mathematics here are interesting. It appears you dated for 3 months; then moved in; then 3 months after moving in, he began to end it, and the turmoil continued for 6 months until you ended it at just about a year into it.

That's a pattern you've already identified and the way you avoid repeating it is to (as you say you are aware) get to know the person first.

I'd bet $5 that during the 3 months before moving in, you saw some signs of what was to come, but didn't know what these signs were pointing to. Next time you will know and you'll get out before you move in.
 Profile-Writer
Joined: 11/13/2009
Msg: 5
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/14/2010 4:33:22 PM
Lily, check your inbox, I sent you a mail with a link to a web site that has alot of good information on this subject.
 Forum Junkie09
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 6
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/14/2010 7:00:14 PM

that he had essentially used me financially and emotionally our entire relationship


I have said this once and I will say it again. No one can use you UNLESS you let them! You gave him the power AND permission to do this so you have no one to blame but yourself!
 Stace!
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 7
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/14/2010 7:12:29 PM
It doesn't sound like you're screwed up, it sounds like you need to get to know people a bit better before jumping in so quickly. I've made the same mistake a couple of times. And if I think about it, there were so many things that would have given them away if I had taken the time to get to know them better.
 clambroth
Joined: 10/27/2007
Msg: 8
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/14/2010 7:12:53 PM
Kudos to you. It is hard to use "essentially" three times in one short paragraph let alone twice in a single sentence. Repeating patterns and learning from lessons sounds good on paper but when the 6'10" guy walks over and grabs your wallet what do you do? Meekly allow him to walk away - thankful that he didn't kill you? Yeah, first time that happens to us all. Second and third time around the thing sounds like the "boy who cried wolf syndrome". How do we solve your problem?

Round here we have the "do not call list" so we don't have to take telephone solicitations because it is supposedly illegal to do that when someone is on the list. Whenever I get the occasional telephone solicitation (that always astounds and surprises me) from some incredibly and ballsy solicitator whose number doesn't show on the call log I have a pretty standard response. "If I could come through this phone and tear your f****ing head off I would - and if you ever call me again I will find a way to do just that". What do YOU say? Point of all that is. Be firm. Be an adult and when someone isn't up to your standards don't wait until he's stolen from your bank account before you dump him. Get out the machete and chop the thing off before it turns into a monster.
 kuddlekitty
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 10
view profile
History
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/14/2010 10:02:14 PM
Lily...
Please don't take anything negative that anyone says out here to heart or personally. You're a "newbie" and these forums can be brutal! Just scout around at old posts...

I thought you expressed yourself well and with humor. It's not easy being in difficult relationships...ahem!...and many of us are here and single because of our own patterns/mistakes/broken hearts, etc. It's part of the human condition.

It's unfortunate that you had to go through an unhealthy relationship after finally getting out of an unhealthy marriage, but it's great that you have the strength to walk away.

Try to see if there were signs that you missed and look for other similarities in these two men. Are they a certain type? Was there something initially about the ex-boyfriend that reminded you of your ex-husband? You were taken advantage of...what were this man's circumstances? Analyze why you would be so generous to someone who left you three times. Might be about insecurity and trying to hold on to someone. Dunno...but hang in there! You'll do fine...

As for Mr. Clambroth/ Essential in the above post; look at your use of tenses in your "first date" description. ESSENTIALLY, it's wrong.
 Anibunny28
Joined: 2/19/2010
Msg: 11
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/14/2010 11:25:40 PM
Think outside your box.....go against what you'd normally do.
If you normally have this "type" and you seem to have bad judge of character, try dating someone that you might never consider on first glance.
also, if you see the certain flags that it is a repeat of the same qualities you disliked in your exes, don't wait to see what happens, cut it off sooner rather than after you have the time to get attached.
And Date someone who likes you more than u like them, even if they may not seem totally your type at first. start out slow and get to know the person before you jump right in....and commit
 DebiDuzDishes
Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 13
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/16/2010 9:54:13 AM
i agree with the "monkey see monkey do" theory.

I was married to a man for 13 yrs (he cheated while i was preggo year one)

My MOM had the same damn life. got cheated on .. stayed for us kids.

I thought i had it all figured out tho.. I left..

and my life was like a flower in bloom. ive had tons of fun till "the boyfriends" started.. lol

I flippflopped to Opposite types of guys.. and its just as much trouble.. and i have a new pattern..

Now ive been dating passive aggressive nice guy foodaholics.

i dont want to be overweight.. nor sad(the passive aggressive sh!t)
 ghostdog1973
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 14
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/16/2010 10:23:41 AM
OP you have to go back and research all of your relationships. Make an honest effort to see where you have made mistakes and most likely those mistakes were in each and every relationship.

that means- that behavior is not attractive to most men.

you could be clingy, needy, uncommunicative, put up with everything he does, not set boundaries nor enforce them, 'fall in love' too soon....you could be dirty, smelly, don't clean your house...

whatever it is- its happened in all your relationships.

determine what those things are, do the soul searching.

correct them.

then recognize them next time you get in a relationship with someone and minimize the ones you do and the ones you accept the men doing to you...
 DebiDuzDishes
Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 16
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/16/2010 2:54:14 PM
my last b/f was soooo perfect for the first 6 months.. sooo said all the right things...

then it all changed..

instead of blaming her behaviour.. what about blaming her choices in men..

how do we find these hidden red flags?
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 17
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/16/2010 3:01:43 PM

Obviously, I'm screwed up. So, I'm seeking the wisdom of some fellow pof'ers. Now that I'm dipping my feet into the dating pool again, how do I avoid repeating what is obviously MY pattern with men?



Keep a strict one and done rule, You can't really stop people from breaking your heart the same way, but you can stop the "same" person from doing by ending things the first time around. good luck
 DebiDuzDishes
Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 18
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/16/2010 3:10:09 PM
its sad.. to even have a chance. you have to KEEP your HEART open..

how scary is that after feeling someone "fooled" you .... ?
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 20
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/22/2010 7:30:04 PM
^^^^^oh yeah^^^^i had a man once open up to me, under the relaxing influence of a few substances,...that he is "very attracted to very young girls"
and he meant under 20 yrs old.
he was in his 50's.
wow
 flowerforce
Joined: 9/6/2006
Msg: 21
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/24/2010 11:46:03 AM
Find a good counsellor and work on it.
Barring that there a number of books on the topic. Two that I know of are " Perfect Love Imperfect Relationship" by John Wellwood and " Getting The Love You Want " by Harvill Hendrix. We all repeat patterns if we have not worked on them and looked at why we have them.
Just remember to give yourself a lot of time to get to know the fellow. Personally I have a rule not to be sexual with someone for three months and not to live with a fellow for a year. By that time the cracks in both parties begin to show and the scales over your eyes due to romance fall off. You can get a better picture of the person you are dating. Also most fellows only wanting a sexual relationship will have gone by the wayside and you are left with the fellows who are truly interested in a long term relationship. believe me a man worth his salt will take the time to know you and will wait.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 22
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/24/2010 9:23:42 PM

Both times I finally had to walk away because I couldn't continue with the way things were. With my ex-husband, that took me 18 years; this time around, I did it in just over a year.


Sounds like you're doing ok to me... and the next time, it'll only be 3mo's, and then the next time you'll be spotting them on the 1st date.
 Remington55
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 23
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/26/2010 1:45:15 PM
"Lilyferg" Msg 1 "...how do I avoid repeating what is obviously MY pattern with men?..." The first step is recognizing your behaviours and patterns. Life is a series of tests, as we are tested, we respond and/or react accordingly, whatever the lesson, we need to learn it. Failure to do so and we are doomed to repeat them over and over.

In the book "50 Ways to Find True Love" by Chuck Spezzano, he talks about where we are in life. For example, let's take traumas, let's also start at 100%, as we face stressors, we deduct these stressors from our life, I'll give an example. I don't have the book with me so I'm going to do the best I can...)

100%
- 100% Death of a Spouse
- 73% Divorce
- 65% Marital Separation
- 63% detention in jail or other institution
- 63% Death of a close family member
- 53% Major personal injury or illness
- 50% Marriage
- 47% Being fired at work
- 45% Marital Reconciliation
- 45% Retirement from work
- 44% Change in Health of a family member
- 40% Pregnancy
- 39% Sexual difficulties
- 39% Gaining a New family member
- 39% Major business readjustment
- whatever else that qualifies as a stressor...

Soon when you do an assessment, you find yourself at -500 or -2000, therefore you will seek a person who is also at this level, regardless if the other person is way more better for you (eg. 25% or higher).

Some people get stuck in their pasts, their anger, bitterness, their hurt, and goodness knows what else. As a person learns about boundaries & expectations, they improve and hopefully choose better partners.

Start your healing journey today, learn to have an intimate relationship with your higher power and with yourself before you take someone into your life. First become the changes that you want to see in the world and you will fare better.

I've read your profile too. Stay away from negative statements, being sarcastic is likened to the lowest form of wit. Also you say that you don't know what sort of person you're seeking, what would he look and act like if you did know? I'm sure you know what you don't want, so make a list of those and find the opposite meanings and go from there. In your profile, be more romantic, include more "us", "We", "Togetherness" statements. I like how you haven't put any barriers in your mail preferrences, this indicates that you're willing to make friends the world over and that's good. Good friends define our values, they make our world.

Oh, you talked about confrontation in both of your men, you listened to your inner voice, however it took a long time. Be sure to read the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker who talks about our inner voices. Oprah recommends that every woman in America should read this book, my sister gave me one & I truly agree...

I hope this helps...

Cheers,

**~Remington55~**
 ~Azul Ojos~
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 24
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/26/2010 4:08:57 PM

a woman realizes that the man who presents himself so well, as a saint, is actually a compulsive liar, cheater, womanizer, addicted to something, lies about loving her, has other girlfriends, etc.

It happens so frequently from the women I have spoken with here and
other places. Women become amazed at some point that the guy they
thought they knew well isn't at all the way he pretended to be. I think
in many cases the woman shouldn't be blaming herself, unless it is
for loving these guys in spite of getting hints that something is wrong.



The worse they are, the better the act.
The last one like that I had was a perfect saint, I thought this
guy was absolutely perfect.
Towards the end he showed who he really was


whenwillthiswork26: I have to agree so much with your above quotes. I have had similar experiences. I will even go one step further to say that sometimes the better looking, financially stable, professionally stable guys can actually be some of the worse.

It is getting more and more difficult to avoid repeating the pattern, as men tend to be more skilled at being players. I think they have so many options available that they cannot commit or act in a respectable manner to anyone.

I am very careful who I date, and was recently convinced the guy I was dating was perfect, and then he showed his true colors. Not pretty at all... Then it was turned on me for being insecure and not trusting... That is an easy way to turn the tables on someone for their crappy behaviors.

It is tough, and there are no guarantees. Even the ones you feel so connected with sometimes let you down.

The good thing is you have to feel good enough about yourself to not take the blame. Continue to think positive and trust people for as long as possible. Have boundaries and expectations for how you expect to be treated, and walk away from people who don't honor your boundaries. Hopefully one day someone will turn up that doesn't disappoint you.

All the best.



 *Sanscheyle*
Joined: 11/4/2009
Msg: 25
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/27/2010 6:41:12 AM
I recently broke up with the person I originally thought was "the one."


Me too. The way to break the pattern hon isn't to jump back into the dating pool but to take about a year off to enjoy your own company and set firm boundaries about the treatment you're willing to tolerate and not tolerate from a mate in the future. Jumping from one relationship to another one is only going to repeat the pattern you're trying to break. I've been single for 26 years and have constantly been searching for "the one" and had countless boyfriends thinking they were 'it'. The results were always the same so I finally took a step back and realized it was me. I was the one putting them on a pedestal and when I realized they were 'flawed' I was devastated.

My point is, now I'm loving my life. I live on a barrier island in Florida in a beautiful apartment with a buncha' cats and 50 fish. I'm rediscovering myself and am very private about who I let into my life now. I've forgiven myself for my bad choices and moved on.

Give yourself some time before you start dating again, hon. Put yourself first and don't measure your worth by whether you have a man or not. Work out, eat healthy and forget about relationships for awhile. You're not screwed up, hon. Just enjoy your own company for awhile. I'm in the process of re-decorating my apartment and starting another aquarium (salt water instead of fresh water which I now have) and am loving who I am and just living in the moment.

Your life is going to be exactly what you make it and I've 'thrown away' my old life and am creating a new one for myself. The one I want. You can do the same if you trash the thoughts that you have to have a man in order to validate your life.

You don't.

Sans
 ~Azul Ojos~
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 26
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/27/2010 7:17:48 AM
How to avoid repeating the pattern?

Exactly

As a person learns about boundaries & expectations, they improve and hopefully choose better partners.
 jgrady1
Joined: 4/25/2009
Msg: 27
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/27/2010 3:04:01 PM
Look, there is no easy answer to this. First you have to be careful when choosing a partner and make sure you are both compatible. Obvious right. Then you should take your time getting to know this person and try to read them and see if you think there might be a pattern of behavior that suggests they may be players or cheaters or liers. If they pass all those criteria then it really gets difficult!

Here is where you have to trust them! I know it is a hard thing to do, but all great relationships start with trust and communication. If you go through your life never trusting again then you will never have a chance at one of those great relationships that we all long for. You can't set boundaries for the person you are dating, you have to trust them to have their own set of boundaries and that they will stay within those boundaries. Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there that are not honest and they will break that trust. Many of us have been hurt before and it is tempting to put a shell around ourselves and never trust anyone again or let anyone in our lives. But again, if you don't trust you won't have a very good relationship and it will be destined for failure, probably before it even gets off the ground.

My advice is to be careful but venture forth and find someone that you can trust to never cheat or lie. If you get hurt again, take the time to morn and then jump back on the train. Life is way too short to never try.
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 28
view profile
History
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/31/2010 9:18:11 PM
One way to release a negative pattern is to replace it with a positive. If you keep thinking about the negative, you'll repeat it, because you haven't replaced it with something else. Begin thinking of something else until the something else becomes your new pattern. A new pattern that is hopefully happier and healthier.

Congrats on not waiting 18 more years to kick this guy out! Your learning curve has developed more quickly acute!

Now...replace the negative with a positive: What WOULD make you happy?
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 29
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 4/1/2010 12:51:48 PM
i agree...good sign that you did not wait so long with this man.
and do take the advice of some of these ppl.
read the books they recommended to you.
take some time for yourself away from a relationship.

i am wondering about the trust issue that a poster brought up.
when we take another chance thinking the new person is Not a liar and is trustworthy..
is it a good idea to trust first,
or to first give that new person time to show that they are trustworthy?
and the same the other way around...the person waits to trust until trustworthiness is shown.

it happens so often that liars twist things around to make the other person look like they are the ones who did wrong by being "insecure" or not"trusting"
some ppl are so good at faking their emotions.
but as for myself..i am still an optimist and i still believe that most ppl are honest.
but i will not blindly trust anyone anymore.
 Ailliss
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 30
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 4/1/2010 11:48:29 PM

I wasn't prepared for a couple of the personal attacks

I read the 7 responses you had received until you made this comment and I did not see any attacks.

You asked, How to avoid repeating the pattern?
If the only answers you receive are those offering sympathy, how does this help? If you were to go into therapy a good one is going to tell you stuff much more difficult for you to hear than anything that’s been heard here so far.

Patterns of mal-adjustment or your pathological roles in relationships are going to take a lot of work in order to change them. A good start is listening to persons offering more than, “You poor thing”.

You cannot just “stop” pathology. If you could you would not have been duped and attracted to the same type of person and similar situation again. You get something out of what you’ve been doing. Why you continue the behavior.


he was essentially a pathological liar, that he had essentially used me financially and emotionally our entire relationship, and that he had been either unfaithful or at least moving in that direction.

Hello? Those are many of the same traits of my ex-husband!


For instance, if you contribute a great deal financially, this may give you more control in the relationship; something you may need, even subconsciously.
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