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 markymark52
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 1
Women's responses after lack of attraction on a datePage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I've been on more than a few dates in the past year with some being very successful and leading to other dates, while others did not go as well. Some of those failures I know were due to the woman not being particularly attracted to me, whether that's physically or from a personality standpoint I really don't have a clue, which brings me to the question I have:

Why is it that most women will either ignore follow-up phone calls/texts or make excuses as to why they can't go out for an additional date rather than just being honest and telling me that they're not interested?

I've had about seven or eight experiences where I've gone out on a date and at some point during the outing, I could tell that I wasn't going to get another date with the woman after the night was over (even though I was attracted to them). Even though I pretty much know I'm not going to be scheduling anything else with the particular girl, I still like to think that I might be wrong, and I'll call or text just to see if she is interested.

I'll usually do three or four text messages or phone calls in a two week span and one of two things either happen:

A) I never get called or text messaged back.

or

B) I'll get really weak excuses as to why they we can't get together, or talk on the phone (already made plans, sick, family problems ect).

After I know for sure they aren't interested I'll usually do one last phone call or text message and just say, "Hey it's no problem if you're not interested, should I stop texting or calling? Just let me know, I'm just curious as to what the situation is." This NEVER changes anything.

I basically say this to coax out any type of response that will give me at least some idea as to why things didn't work out. Even if it's a lie, why not just shut the door completely if you're not interested in someone (moving away, want to stay single, found someone else ect.)?

For me, If I'm not interested in a girl, I'm usually just straight up with them and try to be respectful enough and let them know thanks aren't going any further.
 BentonHarbor
Joined: 3/2/2010
Msg: 2
Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/24/2010 4:00:05 AM
Sounds to me from this post you're simply trying too hard---in everything you do about dating! First off what would any answers to your questions do to help you? The lack of interest from these women might not have a single thing to do with anything you can control or change---they're just not into you! Same for you---some of them just haven't "done it" for you---can you be exact and so specific that they'd completely understand it all---I think not.

You also seem to "project" that because you do something post date they too should act the same. I'll again point out you're trying to hard which might be one of their turn offs AND signal to them any further contact will lead to unending questions and more debriefing from you.

Just like you know at some point there won't be another date scheduled or otherwise these women are also making that decision when you're not----its just how dating goes---not every one is a home run.

One thing that might be helpful is stop thinking or even wishing people acted the same as you, complaining about how it "should be..." according to your actions. Your dates don't owe you a thing regardless how valuable you think it would be---they can only speak for themselves therefore none of their feedback would help you with the next revolving door date.

You might be slipping into the creepy guy territory especially if even a lie from them would satisfy and end your various text messages and phone calls in hopes of having them fine tune your dating "style".

Be yourself, act as you believe you should but give these poor fleeing women the right to do so as well. Until you stop obsessing over WHY they've lost interest you're going to have a looooooooooooong road ahead of similar events---also with no concrete answers to essentially worthless questions. Buck it up, take their lack of interest and replies in stride and start the next round but fricking R E L A X---it's dating, not some military mission where debriefing is a requirement!!
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 3
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Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/24/2010 4:05:01 AM
This IS TOO yet another "why did he/she leave without giving me a detailed plan for how to do better with my NEXT victim?" post.
STOP calling for OTHER people to do your growing up and behavioral adjustments for you. The ONLY question you should be asking yourself after a "failed" date is, were you behaving AS YOURSELF the whole time? If not, resolve to be more honest next time. If so, then just let it go, accept that not EVERY woman is going to like you, and move on.
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 4
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Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/24/2010 4:56:40 AM

After I know for sure they aren't interested I'll usually do one last phone call or text message and just say, "Hey it's no problem if you're not interested, should I stop texting or calling? Just let me know, I'm just curious as to what the situation is." This NEVER changes anything.


You answered your own question. This never changes anything. Learn to take the hint if they don't respond to your first follow-up.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 5
Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/24/2010 6:09:24 AM
Why is it that most women will either ignore follow-up phone calls/texts or make excuses as to why they can't go out for an additional date rather than just being honest and telling me that they're not interested?

I used to wonder that myself. Then I realized that it doesn't matter why they don't. The fact is, they don't, so just forget about anyone who doesn't reply. I would also add ``promptly'' to the end of that sentence.


I'll usually do three or four text messages or phone calls in a two week span and one of two things either happen

Unless you make plans for a second date before your first date ends, I'd say skip the phone calls and/or text messages altogether and move on. Appearing desperate will not improve your chances of a second date.
 james_ny
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 6
Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/24/2010 6:28:08 AM
People are more picky when going to meet someone from a dating website than someone they meet in real life so expect that. Sometimes it doesn't have anything to do with you physically or personally.

Usually i let them the person know right away in a date if im interested or not either she's happy or not. It sound really desperate and you gonna make that person she has the final decision by texting or calling asking if she's not interested or not.

If she doesnt call or text after the first date just move one dont try to analyze why it wont make her change her mind.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 7
Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/24/2010 6:40:57 AM
Since we're not on these dates with you it's hard to say what's happening here, but this:


I'll usually do three or four text messages or phone calls .


is a little excessive. One phone call post date is enough...two tops. After that, forget it.

I'm always straight up with someone - but so far, not one guy on PoF has been straight up with me post date. It's the nature of internet dating, I suppose.
 cw35
Joined: 4/8/2005
Msg: 8
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Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/24/2010 6:41:13 AM
What's really weird is when they ask for a second date or say they're really interested in you (without you mentioning it) and then make some excuse the next day in an email as to why they don't like you and don't think it could work out. No woman has to worry about sparing my "feelings" because at this point there aren't really any left anyway. (maybe confusion)
 Hiloniceguy
Joined: 1/13/2010
Msg: 9
Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/24/2010 6:56:07 AM
This topic has been discussed many times at length, but the bottom line assuming you're looking for a long term relationship:

Ultimately the only way to get the information about "why" is from the woman's side, and quite frankly it usually doesn't matter what the reason is as far as why she's not being straightforward. The fact that she's not being straightforward means you can't expect reliably good communication from her and hence isn't good relationship material. It's a good idea to let it go and move on.
 mr.evil
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 10
Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/24/2010 6:56:34 AM
Well I don't understand you OP, no not at all.

As far as I know, attraction is the number one reason. They simply think "you don't float my boat", end of story.

Although I'll hasten to add, this is a typical newbie mistake. While you may or may not be new to online dating, reasons REALLY don't matter. Who cares if it's the sound of your voice, a couple of pounds, the color of your hair, how tall you are, whether your a republican or democrat, your obsession with belly button lint, or your collection of 40 years of copies of mad magaizne. Does it make a difference? Would it really affect your next date? Would it make you a better man or woman if you knew?

What can't be, can't be, your not going to become a new person due to it. Your you, after all. What will never be, lies in the past, not in the future, so going on about it, simply makes them uncomfortable, and you seem desperate. So let it go, meet the next one, be true to yourself and have fun.

When dating online, you need a tougher skin, rejection comes hand in hand with this form of dating. Someone looking at a few lines of text, a couple of pics, some emails and phone calls, gives enough info to meet. NOTHING starts until your face to face, no matter what you think.

JMHO
 james_ny
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 11
Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/24/2010 6:57:40 AM
and then make some excuse the next day in an email as to why they don't like you and don't think it could work out. No woman has to worry about sparing my "feelings"

it's because women online always think they have the final decision when they go on date and they got a lot of email asking them for date. Thats why you should tell them in their face if you're interested or not dont let them go home to text or email you after.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 12
Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/24/2010 8:37:00 AM
If I didn't feel much attraction to a guy after a date, I would just lose all contact and never hit him up again.

If he happens to hit me after our date, thus asking for another one, I would keep it simple and tell him I didn't feel we were a good match.

End of story. However, I do agree with OP about making up lousy excuses as to why some people are no longer interested in pursuing a second date.
 splitions
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 13
Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/24/2010 9:27:00 AM
From my experience, when I tell a guy that I just wanted attracted to him and it's just not going to work out, most of the time it is usually the guy who gets upset or practically begs for a 2nd chance and basically won't leave me a lone until I agree to meet up with them again. So now I just tend to ignore that person so I don't have to deal with the hassle of them questioning why and whining so much. Very rarely do I find a guy that is cool with it and just leaves it at that. It sucks because I would love to be more honest with these people.
 james_ny
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 14
Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/24/2010 10:01:39 AM
If you are struggling to find out why, ask any female friends or your close mates girlfriends as to how you can improve your own brand

It will be a waste of time. you cannot change the real you in order to attract someone, they gonna be attracted to your fake side not to the real one.
 VacationGuy234
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 15
Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/24/2010 11:00:27 AM
First of all, nobody is going to be straight up with you. Deal with it. Second, I highly doubt you know enough of what is going on in a woman's mind to know you should not ask her out again. Better minds than your's and mine have been trying to figure this out for millennia and haven't come up with jack on it. Third, sometimes women are testing you to see how you respond to not being texted back. Finally, you have to ask out about 10 women to get one positive response due to timing and other issues. If you are getting more than this you are ahead of the game!


After I know for sure they aren't interested I'll usually do one last phone call or text message and just say, "Hey it's no problem if you're not interested, should I stop texting or calling?


NEVER EVER... do this again! Write this on the back of your hand.... The answer to this question is YES, stop calling and texting.

Hope this helps...
 james_ny
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 16
Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/24/2010 11:17:22 AM
But I have also had experiences where guys stop talking to me before we even meet.

women do that too specially those from online dating. Sometimes i stop talking to someone before i meet her is because that person is too superficial about her chemistry so i wont waste my time meeting her in person.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 17
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Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/24/2010 12:46:12 PM
Guys do this, too. It works both ways.

There are two schools of thought on this subject which has been brought up repeatedly. One is that you should come out and say you aren't interested. The other is benign neglect. Personally, I'm in favor of the second. It's obvious. Why do you need to hear a person say, "Thanks, but no thanks." You've got your answer.

By the way, there have been a number of people who complain when they *are* told that a party wasn't interested. They complain about the way the message was delivered. They complain about the reasons and excuses. They argue with it. You can't win with this one.

People don't give come out and say "Thanks but no thanks" for a number of reasons. It's awkward. It's often obvious to both parties that there's a lack of interest and it isn't worth even minimal effort to state the obvious. And people will often challenge you, asking for reasons, etc. It doesn't matter what the reason is. They aren't interested. Period. That's all you need to know. A lack of response clearly communicates this.

Reasonable people disagree whether it's polite or not and no one has yet settled the debate. Benign neglect is a time-honored tactic. You may not care for it but it's one commonly employed. Get used to it.
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 18
Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/24/2010 1:09:22 PM
Damn, man ... You can tell they're not interested, but you relentlessly text them 3-4 times and if you STILL get no response, you phone them? That's why ... They can tell you're a stalker. Jayzus.
 gavreel
Joined: 1/5/2009
Msg: 19
Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/24/2010 4:32:12 PM
Call her post date, and leave a voice message, that way you can be sure, she received it. If she doesn't call back in a few days, then you have your answer. Texts aren't 100% and get lost in the network, on occasion.
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 20
Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/24/2010 5:49:47 PM

Offer a suggestion of something the man could change that would help him on the next date, maybe.
Why do people assume their date includes a post-date therapy session? Go cry to Dr. Phil for fawk's sake!
 markymark52
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 21
Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/24/2010 9:39:53 PM
I appreciate SOME of the responses. On my end, if a girl doesn't call or text a couple days after my text or phone call, I obviously know she's not interested, I'm not that dense. The issue I have is that when I invest the time and money (I always pay for everything on the first date) in a woman, at least some sort of acknowledgment post date that they're uninterested would be the respectful thing to do considering the resources I used trying to get to know her. Also, like I said before, even it's a lie, why not a lie that shuts the door completely?

I laughed at a lot of these responses though. 3-4 texts or call in one two week's span is excessive? that equates to two calls/texts a week at the absolute most. Honestly, if a woman gets bothered by that than maybe I shouldn't be pursuing her in the first place.

The reason why I react the way I do isn't because my feelings are hurt, it's because I'm irritated at the response or lack thereof for the reason I gave above. I could understand it if I was a hothead or emotionally unstable, but I'm very laid back and easy going, and it's pretty obvious that I have this type of personality when I go out on the date with a woman.
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 22
Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/25/2010 6:35:06 AM
Seriously, dude, you are socially retarded ... Interpersonally impaired
I could tell that I wasn't going to get another date with the woman after the night was over
if you seem to be aware of this, why would you continue to text/phone? More than ONE contact under such circumstances without a response is excessive and scary no matter how you space them out.

The issue I have is that when I invest the time and money (I always pay for everything on the first date) in a woman, at least some sort of acknowledgment post date that they're uninterested would be the respectful thing to do considering the resources I used trying to get to know her.
Respectful? That may be true if you weren't acting psycho. Do you think you are RESPECTING them? She doesn't OWE you anything. You sound like the guys who think a woman is obligated to have sex after buying dinner.

You have an issue? Boo Hoo - here's a tissue! Get over it. Quit your crying. If you aren't dense (as you claim), leave the women ALONE when they do not respond. Geez!
 gavreel
Joined: 1/5/2009
Msg: 23
Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/25/2010 7:57:11 AM
Wow, some of you have a totally wrong and negative view of relationships. Friends, dating, relationships, are all suppose to be about caring for another person, Hello.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 24
Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/25/2010 9:08:07 AM

Women of POF: Please learn to follow up.

Automobile: Please fly over this traffic jam.

This is online dating. The best strategy is to not focus on a single person until you meet one who has the qualities you are seeking. Then, you'll have enough to keep you busy instead of waiting around for someone to return a call.
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 25
Women's responses after lack of attraction on a date
Posted: 3/25/2010 7:06:03 PM
Rhetoric? You have some pretty lofty perspectives on the throwaway crayola crapola that gets posted on these forums.
Many posters are trying to help the guy while others intention's are pretty cloudy.
Well, somebody revoke my "old lady crossing the street" merit badge! Let me dissipate any of the cloudiness from which you suffer. My "intentions" have little to do with helping and more to do with calling out the B.S. that the OP is throwing out in an attempt to rationalize his behavior. You don't truly believe that 98% of the people (and I apply this term loosely) that post a thread here are looking to change, do you Pollyanna? The majority of posters are looking to get sunshine blown up their patoot and carefully craft an opening premise that they hope will portray them in the best possible light so that they can collect more justification for their (often) pathetic, abhorrent or ridiculous behavior. If these are the people you wish to devote your spare time to "helping," good for you.
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