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Show ALL Forums  > UK forums  > I can't get on with my grown up daughter BUT she still lives at home..      Home login  
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 Me-myself
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 1
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I can't get on with my grown up daughter BUT she still lives at home..Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I feel bad writing this but I need some advice. My daughter is 24 I have looked after her alone since she was 3 (thats when my husband left me for another woman) its been very hard as I don't have any family support. We have always argued but now I feel I have had enough and want her to move out! We have nothing in common, she lies to me frequently and last year when I was dating seriously she made things very difficult for me, and made me feel guilty anytime I was away from home due to being with him..hence the relationship didn't work.
I have tried my best, rarely had relationships whilst she was young as I put her first but when do I get my life back?
 Strider886
Joined: 3/28/2006
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I can't get on with my grown up daughter BUT she still lives at home..
Posted: 3/26/2010 1:31:10 AM
My god, I can't imagine being that childish at 24!! I'd been working full time for 7 years by then and that I think shaped me into adulthood far sooner than many of my generation.
 Cargy.
Joined: 12/26/2008
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I can't get on with my grown up daughter BUT she still lives at home..
Posted: 3/26/2010 2:57:34 AM
It' s fascinating how many parents of grown up kids behave as if the umbilical was never cut at birth.
 Me-myself
Joined: 4/5/2009
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I can't get on with my grown up daughter BUT she still lives at home..
Posted: 3/26/2010 3:06:30 AM
Thank you for all the replies..

She does work so thats not the issue. She does not keep her room anywhere near clean, barely communicates with me about anything, has health issues which she refuses to have treated due to a needle phobia which is a constant worry to me, and lies to me if she thinks I won't like the truth!

I am far from blameless, I have over protected all her life plus I find it difficult to treat her as an adult whilst she still lives at home as I still see her as a child.
I have two dogs and they pick up on the tention between us so much so that they start shaking when she comes home!

I feel very jealous when I see mothers and daughters out shopping or socialising together as my daughter has no interest in doing these things with me, I lost my own mother when I was only 5 years old so have never had that Mother daughter bond and probably has alot do do with why our relationship is so bad.

Neither of us have many friends, clearly we both struggle with relating to others.
 Me-myself
Joined: 4/5/2009
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I can't get on with my grown up daughter BUT she still lives at home..
Posted: 3/27/2010 2:05:40 PM
23xkaTiEx, you are wise beyond your years, thanks for the thoughtful reply
 Cargy.
Joined: 12/26/2008
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I can't get on with my grown up daughter BUT she still lives at home..
Posted: 3/28/2010 2:51:46 AM
I suppose you could try the old standby of wrapping her lunch in a roadmap.
 Cargy.
Joined: 12/26/2008
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I can't get on with my grown up daughter BUT she still lives at home..
Posted: 3/28/2010 3:49:33 AM

Its the old "kick them out" American/Canadian attitude that this country has inherited


Come off it! You're talking as if it's some new thing that's come over with MaccyD's and Hip-Hop. Back in the day, you reached an age where you wanted to be independent and grown-up. After that, staying with Mummy and Daddy was for wusses. If that meant a one-room flat or bedsit, and second hand furniture, then it was worth it to be recognised as an independent adult. Your parents might've helped you out voluntarily with a much-appreciated twenty quid now and again, but you never asked for it unless you were in dire straits.

What I see here is a grown-up who wants to be a perpetual teenager; expecting Mum to tidy her room, do her laundry, wash, iron, cook, and clean, while she's out 'playing' with her mates and benefitting from the huge financial savings of living at home. All the while behaving to her mother like Harry Enfield's 'Kevin'.
 Cargy.
Joined: 12/26/2008
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I can't get on with my grown up daughter BUT she still lives at home..
Posted: 3/28/2010 4:44:58 PM
Single twentysomethings CAN afford to rent. But that would mean foregoing their iPhones and expensive phone contracts, not being able to have every games console and new gadget going, not being able to replace their "obsolete" 3 month old laptop, not having a nearly new car, not buying the latest Sat-Nav to show them the route to drive to work, plus they'd have to cut down on the pubbing and clubbing, not to mention all the other luxury things that they treat as essentials.

If they didn't have their parent(s) to ponce off of, they'd have to do it somehow.
 Gut_Reaction
Joined: 11/11/2007
Msg: 9
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I can't get on with my grown up daughter BUT she still lives at home..
Posted: 3/28/2010 4:53:06 PM
Ahhh Cargy you made me smile as usual. Mine aren't quite that old yet but yes I'm looking forward to the day my financial responsibilities are at an end. Now you've got me worried matey.
 Cargy.
Joined: 12/26/2008
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I can't get on with my grown up daughter BUT she still lives at home..
Posted: 3/29/2010 1:32:38 AM

...in the end you get nothing for it.


Except a roof over your head


The renter starts out paying $800 per month with annual increases of 5%
The homeowner purchases a home for $110,000 and pays a monthly mortgage of $1,000
After 6 years, the homeowner's payment is lower than the renter's monthly payment
With the tax savings of homeownership, the homeowner's payment is less than the rental payment after 3 years


Both the OP and I live in England, and you live in Scotland, so quoting figures from an American webpage gives a fair indication of exactly who's talking "crap" around here!
 Cargy.
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 11
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I can't get on with my grown up daughter BUT she still lives at home..
Posted: 3/29/2010 2:24:38 AM


Both the OP and I live in England, and you live in Scotland, so quoting figures from an American webpage gives a fair indication of exactly who's talking "crap" around here!


http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/money/calculators/article5771800.ece - there you go UK version. gg!


Right, so you seem to be stating the obvious by telling us that buying is better than renting! Now tell us all something we don't know! I have a fair idea of what Watson might say to Sherlock at this point.

But, buying or renting means growing up and learning to take responsibility for putting a roof over your own head rather than simply living as a parasite under someone else's roof.

At 24, the OP's daughter should be behaving as if she's a sharing adult; splitting chores and bills, treating her mum with respect, and showing a little appreciation that she's allowing her to live there. Not behaving like a petulant teenager and taking it for granted that Mum has to provide for her just because she is her Mum.

If you never take the stabilisers off a kid's bike the kid will never learn to ride without 'em!

In fact, the more times I read the OP, the more I feel that there is a co-dependency situation that's not unlike an abusive partner. All that seems to be missing is the slapping around, and telling the OP how useless and worthless she is.
 Cargy.
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 12
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I can't get on with my grown up daughter BUT she still lives at home..
Posted: 4/6/2010 4:23:52 AM

An older guy who I work with had that tough love attitude pulled on him (his mother kicked him out to move in her fancy man), so move on to today and he still has nothing to do with his mother despite her trying to get in contact with him. She has missed out on his wedding, the birth of her two grand children, christenings, birthdays, Christmas and all that for what? an end result where she now lives all alone, lonely with no fancy man and no family


So, basically, he's thrown a life-long sulk because his mummy felt he was old enough to live his own life?!

She was also right : He's got on with his life, presumably got a career, got married, and had kids since being made to fend for himself.
 Cargy.
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 13
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I can't get on with my grown up daughter BUT she still lives at home..
Posted: 4/6/2010 11:23:07 AM
We don't seem to have heard much from the original poster of this thread, for some time. I wonder if she's making progress.


Maybe her daughter's thrown her out?
 Cargy.
Joined: 12/26/2008
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I can't get on with my grown up daughter BUT she still lives at home..
Posted: 4/7/2010 3:16:00 AM

He is not sulking, just has nothing whatsoever to do with the women who ditched him for a shag partner. That women should have never bred in the first place, which now he has a lovely life whilst his mother has a miserable life. True justice and glad the women got what she deserved.


How old was this guy when his mother "ditched him for a shag partner"?

From his perspective, it's also just as well that woman did breed. He wouldn't be here to enjoy this seemingly vindictive ostracism if she hadn't!
 Cargy.
Joined: 12/26/2008
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I can't get on with my grown up daughter BUT she still lives at home..
Posted: 4/7/2010 7:38:44 AM

I'm not talking about myself

Never even considered the possibility.


17


So she'd been at least a passable mum for 17 years, while he wasn't some helpless vulnerable kid.

It seems he hates her for failing to meet his possibly unreasonable expectations, rather than anything she did wrong per se. Shame we can't get her side of the story, I think it would make an interesting contrast, and might even resemble the OP's situation in many respects.
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