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 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 2
He does everything FOR ME.Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
If you've tried talking to him about it and he gets mad...
Why dont you just do the same thing to him! Sometimes people dont see the problem untill they SEE the problem. Then you wont have confrontation.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 4
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 6:11:25 AM
Perhaps what he needs to to is start treating you like s hit, and then you may start appreciating him. The problem here, it's YOU. Everything that you are getting is not enough. And the more that he may try to give, the more you are going to reject him. What I believe you are doing is projecting some issues you probably had with your own parents. When someone gets too close to you, you start rejecting them. What you need to start doing is paying attention to your guy and have some respect for him. If anything tell him that he needs to be more bold with you. But you need to start doing things for him.
In the mean time, you need to explore some issues that you have, because what is going on is that you are projecting your past into him.
 MillCityGuy
Joined: 8/1/2009
Msg: 5
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He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 6:14:39 AM
It sounds like you need to take a break from this relationship, honestly...if you're a the point where you can't even pretend you're happy in his presence, then that is a huge red flag. You will only resent him more if you don't work out what it is that is bothering you (somehow I don't think it's only this 'for you' thing). I know it's hard to break off a relationship with someone you're currently living with, but it may not hurt to explore your options as far as moving out, finances, etc...if you're not ready to consider that, then maybe you need to put the effort into the relationship to get past these feelings you're having.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6
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He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 6:15:53 AM
That would bug the heck out of me as well. I've seen too many times where someone uses exactly that routine, and is building a long list inside their little heads of things they've done "for me," that they figure means they've BOUGHT AND PAID for me. It frequently occurs, that the warm and smooth sounding "for you" turns into a dark smoldering resentment when I in turn, fail to do something I have no wish to do, "for them."
The fact that he gets so upset when you try to address it makes this sound worse, not better. Someone who simply has a silly habit which irritates others, will, when confronted, apologize and work to get rid of the habit. Someone who has tied their internal picture of "how things work" to their behavior will pitch a fit, and refuse to budge, as this guy has.
I don't know whether to recommend you push for therapy sessions, so an outsider he respects can perhaps awaken him to what he's REALLY doing, or just tell you to get out. I never had any luck at all, having tried the therapy route, getting that thinking out of someone else.
He's refusing constantly to take responsibility for his actions. No one who does that makes a good mate, or a good citizen, for that matter.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 7
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He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 6:18:33 AM
By the way, I'll wager right now, that if you do leave him, and he opens a profile here, he'll be ANOTHER one posting a "Why do women run away from NICE GUYS?" He'll rant about how he did "EVERYTHING FOR HER," but that she left for a guy who makes her do as much as he does.
Do a thread search on "nice guy" rants, and I think you'll find your guy described in great detail.
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 15
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 7:17:10 AM
is he coming across so needy and wanting your praise and recognition so much because you don't acknowledge and appreciate him? Or is it more that he's just got a huge ego-void that he's trying to fill with you?

If it's the first, then take the time to show how much you do appreciate things (especially if he doesn't add the "for you" to it... perhaps you could even make a deal that you'll try to be more appreciative if he'll stop saying that)

If it's the second, then no matter how much you 'give' of yourself in thankfulness, it'll never be enough

Maybe consider which it is and take action from there...
 Butterfly~Effect
Joined: 12/12/2008
Msg: 17
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 7:26:23 AM
I've seen this before....the 'I did it for you' syndrome. It seems like this big list they can silently build inside their head about HOWWW much they have done for the other partner in order to remind you how necessary they are in the relationship.

Sadly, most of the items in their list are irrelevant or items that we (as a people/a couple) should just do automatically or in the case of teeth brushing ...as part of a daily routine.

These items that have been put away will make their appearance when the relationship is over or in jeopardy. As Igor stated...he will show up in a 'nice guy' thread...or he will simply state them to the next potential date. Can't you hear it now? "I did sooooo much for her....she never appreciated me"....

I can't tell you what to do regarding the relationship....sounds like your feeling very annoyed by his behavior but you didn't state whether or not you can live with this behavior. However, stating you long for the single life is sort of a clue of where your mind is heading.

Chances of him stopping or changing are probably rare....to some, this is their way of feeling significant or empowering themselves. Although, who knows maybe if you repeatedly remind him how much it bothers you he will stop.....but I'm betting the list will continue....just silently in his own mind.

Basically, it comes down to you and if this is something you can tolerate or can live with.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 18
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 7:37:19 AM

i dont tell him i cook"for him", clean the house "for him",ect.. u see, we are not in a relationship that just started, that u want each other to know everything we did. i feel like i m his mom, that he has to get credit for every chore he did.


So what are you trying to say? What I understand from your post is that he does all this things and brags about it. But what I am getting out of this statement, is not that he does all these things, but rather that the only time he does them, is when he brags about it. Which one is it?
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 20
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 7:46:33 AM
No wonder there are so many men who are jaded against women when they get stuck with neurotic freaks like some of the ones here! Sometimes a spade is just a spade. Doing something for someone just means you're doing it so they don't have to. It's called "showing someone you care". In the past I've cooked guys special meals "for them" or done their laundry "for them" and they've done the dishes "for me" because they know I hate doing them, or they've gone and shaved "for me" because their stubble has started to rash me out.

It's not a matter of someone keeping track of what they've done and what you've done. They are not trying to "control" you, they are just trying to do something so that YOU WON'T HAVE TO, or because THEY JUST WANT TO PLEASE YOU. Get a grip! It's women like you that cause men to not want to do anything "for their women" for fear they're going to be accused of controlling her.

And to the woman above about the bath scenario: Unless he was going to get into the bath with you, he did draw it FOR YOU. It was not a means of control. YOU were the one who was going to use it, therefore it was FOR YOU. Get a grip!
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 21
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 7:50:26 AM
If you were living in separate residences and he washed dishes you had piled up or mopped the floor you had dirtied in your own place, then I could see him having done them "for you"; however, living in the same place, they're also his dishes and his floor, so to comment on it comes across as some tally sheet where he's keeping score to use against you, rather than just seeing to every day things that need doing by whoever gets around to doing them first. It sounds, though, that he figures it's "woman's work" and he's doing it for you and the manly man deserves some kind of pat on the back - yuck. (My ex would sometimes wash dishes he alone would dirty and would then tell me he washed dishes for me - drove me nuts, but not to the point of leaving him. I'd just point out it was a rather chauvenistic thought and comment on his part, especially if I had just come in the house from laying patio brick, for instance - "for us".) Brushing his teeth for you?...unless you let him borrow your dentures, they're his teeth and if he has to be told to brush them and then makes a point of saying he did it for you instead of simply seeing to normal hygiene, the guy's got issues.
 mr.evil
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 22
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 7:56:27 AM
I always hate that garbage of doing things "for me"! As though they don't benefit from a clean floor or do their own laundry at the same time. Is this "nice guy syndrome", I don't know, neither will any other poster, we're not with him.

Some thoughts for you.

Some people never learn how to love or worse, had this behavior modelled for them by parents. If this makes you feel pressure, something is wrong, that sounds like nice guy behavior, to get you to do something for them a certain way. If you want to do something for me, do it, and don't expect strokes for it, or don't do it at all.

Love is love, and chores are chores, you are not showing me love by doing neccessary tasks.

I disagree with you, 3 years is a LONG time. You both should know each other well enough, to have open communication, about the things that bother you. Further since you "long for the single life before him", resentment is building and nothing will smother love faster than resentment. If he won't talk it out with you, a therapist, trusted friend or someone, there is small chance this will change. He thinks he's right in what he's doing. Sorry to say, the road maybe coming to an end, unless you can talk it out.
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 25
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 8:18:51 AM

barefoot kitten....didn't you friggin bother reading my post where I said we'd been in councelling for 4 months and he'd been told to sort his co-dependant, controlling shite out by the councellor previous?


Yes I had read that, but you fail to recognize that filling up the bathtub FOR YOU (because he wasn't using it, it was for you) is not co-dependent, nor controlling. It was a NICE GESTURE. You wanted out and used that as an excuse.

Instead of seeing someone doing something "for you" as them trying to control you, why not just have appreciation that it's done? Really, you just come across as ungrateful.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 26
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He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 8:20:56 AM
OP, I can understand how it bothers you. I was married to some one who thought because he worked outside the home and I was a SAHM everything he did was "for me". He even told me he babysit our kids "for me". If he did the dishes it was "for me". He has a Narcissitic attitude and had to always be right no matter what or he would scream in my face. Once he even threatened to knock some sense into me. He would tell me the house wasn't clean enough when he came home from work which was also "for me" and I could do better. Because he worked "for me" his attitude was I should kiss the ground he walks on. Anything at home was extra chores I should show my gratitude for. If I was too tired for sex after being up late with young kids he would say but I did the dishes or laundry "for you" then throw a fit. I still have to deal with some of his childishness because of our kids. He also not too long ago said I will never meet another guy who treats me as nice as he does. This was out of jealousy or resentment because I have a boyfriend. My ex still doesn't want to move on. He told our son it was ok he sent the kids dirty clothes back to my house because it is a woman's job to do laundry anyway. Thankfully my son disagreed.

Sorry for my little rant. I don't know if the man you are living with is like this but your "for me" statements reminded me of my ex.




That would bug the heck out of me as well. I've seen too many times where someone uses exactly that routine, and is building a long list inside their little heads of things they've done "for me," that they figure means they've BOUGHT AND PAID for me. It frequently occurs, that the warm and smooth sounding "for you" turns into a dark smoldering resentment when I in turn, fail to do something I have no wish to do, "for them."
 Apollodorus
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 28
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 8:32:07 AM
OP you're being very selfish, maybe he is doing these things because cares about you. All I see in here is you, what about him? maybe he is bragging because he is being resented by you and he doesn't feel like you care about him. I know I did this very thing in my last relationship when I felt it was only me catering to my SO.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 29
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 8:40:17 AM
My gawd! These forums get better and better every day!

Uhm...lets see. Where do I start? Ah, yes. OP, are you suggesting that you aren't happy in your 3 year relationship just because your s/o implies that he does things "for you?" Though his (I'm assuming) constant "for you" chatter might get irritable at times, shouldn't you be much more appreciative that he is apparently a GOOD man? While some women are getting beat on by their men, and others are being cheated on, your man is just showing his true appreciation. At least, I would think.

I'm not sure how I would feel if my s/o implied every time that he does things "for me", but unless I end up in a situation like yours, in the meantime, I wouldn't worry about it.
 Puppydog54
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 30
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 8:47:06 AM
barefoot kitten... Well said and I totally agree. This woman needs to learn the word "appreciation" IMO
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 32
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He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 10:16:20 AM
barefoot kitten... Well said and I totally agree. This woman needs to learn the word "appreciation" IMO


I agree that drawing a bath was just for her. However, if he is controlling like she says it isn't about appreciating the gesture. Men who think the "for you" about everything want to be worshiped. My ex always said I didn't appreciate him working. It was not true but because I wasn't expressing my gratitude to him for everything he did "for me" it's what he thought.



Every time he mentions doing something "for you," start giving him a cookie.


When my ex was saying the "for you" crap I actually asked him a few times if he wanted a cookie.lol He still didn't get it.
 foreverstacey
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 35
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 1:26:53 PM
LOL @ brushing his teeth for you.. thats nasty. I think everyone is missing the fact that the things he's doing are things EVERYONE in a household should have to do. Brushing your teeth should be for yourself because you dont want cavities or you don't want to lose your teeth. Thats so gross.

I would dump him if he clearly has to be asked to brush his teeth. Sounds like he misses mommy.
 foreverstacey
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 36
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 1:28:42 PM
"I'm thinking the guy doesn't get any appreciation for his efforts. And I'm not talking about in words. I'm talking about attitudes and affection levels."

Who the hell needs recoginition for brushing their teeth? Thats something you say to the dentist, not someone who's going to be having sex with you and having to taste/smell whatever you ate.
 migivadamsbusted
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 37
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 1:29:49 PM
exactly stacey! those are "us" things not for "her" things. and the he keeps throwing it in her face...what a friggen sweet guy, not.
 _Icon_
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 38
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 1:48:44 PM
He brushes his teeth "for you?"
Really?

So what happens if you leave him? Will he stop brushing and let all his teeth fall out from gingivitis?
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 40
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He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 2:40:46 PM
sounds like the relationship has gone stale. You have to talk to him and either find away to freshen things up of make the choice to be single again.
.

Its a very hard decision and not one to be taken lightly, but you have to be happy first, or you wont be able to make anyone around you happy.

good luck
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 41
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He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 2:51:07 PM
So he does everything " FOR YOU" and you alone so what is the problem with that ??? Perhaps ,,,,,, Ah,like a broken record ,perhaps he was telling to remind you to thank him..... Mylate husband always say that,> "I'll be happy to do it for you " or I 'm happy to give the kingdom to the love of my life" ... I don't see any thing wrong with that...

I understand that if you want him to get you a coffee/juice he won't say any thing like a Servant .Well get ,things for yourself and you won't hear him saying * I am doing this for you, like a broken record ,LOL..........
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 42
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He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 2:53:37 PM

i have no idea why some people get so defensive about my post, and the so called" hinting" the 1st date thing on the profile. if u actually bother reading it, u d notice i am in a relationsip, and not even looking for a date, the whole chapters thing is just they asked what kind of 1st date u d like.



When I first joined here I put single on my profile but clearly stated I was here for the forums only as I am happily in a relationship. A few people pointed out I must be looking for something better or to cheat so I changed it to not single/not looking but I am still technically single. Some people just like to put down others on here and are looking for anything they can find to do so. Don't let that bother you.

I can understand not wanting to give up on a relationship easily, I stayed for nine years listening to his "for me" about everything. I felt guilty at first for wanting to leave since yea he's not some drug addict or cheating ass. He is a manipulator and from what I've read about them has Narcissistic traits. His need to always be right turned to physical grabs. He said he was so angry he couldn't help it. He never hit me as that would of been to obvious to outsiders. Eventually I decided I needed a trial separation and moved to my brother's house. He laughed at me for thinking I was happier without him. Even though he begged me to not file for divorce I received the papers in the mail less than a month later. He says it was me that ruined everything.

Just know if he makes you feel like this now it more than likely will get worse not better as he thinks he can control you. They want praise for every little thing they do and have childish tantrums when they don't get their way. He will also blame you for anything that goes wrong. I could be mistaken and this guy is nothing like my ex though but the signs are there.

Good Luck!
 PirateJohn09
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 43
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He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/29/2010 3:06:58 PM

Perhaps what he needs to to is start treating you like s hit, and then y appreciating him. The problem here, it's YOU. Everything that you are enough.

Going to have to strongly disagree with you, and this kind of outlook is why so many "nice guy" threads exist here. He claims to be doing all these things for her, but it's clearly driving her up a wall, and when she says so, he refuses to acknowledge the fact.

So how can he 'lain that he's really doing things "for her" when she doesn't want it in the first place?
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