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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Did I do the right and sensible thing?      Home login  
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 softy63
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 1
Did I do the right and sensible thing?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Okay. . Yes, I did create a thread recently regarding the same subject; the result of which I made a final comment leaving no room for further (valued) input from others.

However.....what has transpired since has changed my mind and the purpose of this new thread is to seek feedback on my heart breaking decision.

I'll break the story down into point-form for easy reading:

* Met a man 2 years ago (hense my Profile).
* Fantastic relationship and very close bond with each other.
* He works away on a regular basis at the Gas Plant at the northern end of Australia.
* Its 6 hours flight away from home and 3 hours time difference.
* He loves his job but hates the separation from family etc.
* He's away for no more than 6 weeks at a time.
* On his previous assignments we were in contact daily.

* THIS time he's been away since Xmas. 3 months and I've spoken to him twice.
* I text and ring often but no reply except once when he said "Its hard to explain, very sorry, I know its unfair but will explain and talk soon."
* Frantically, I've been searching for a life line to hold on to. "What's wrong?" Even his family (apparently) dont know either.

* Last week I packed up his car with his belongings. "Thats it!" I told myself.
* Many people (incl posts from my associated thread) said wait and see....dont make assumptions and pack his stuff until you know the truth.
* I unpacked his car and agreed to give him the benefit of the doubt.

*ANYWAY, last night, after many unanswered calls pleading with him to contact me I was angry and packed his stuff again in his ( undrivable) car.
* I then rang his sister saying "I still havnt heard anything so his stuff is packed and his car needs to be removed from my driveway." I was in tears.
*She said "well this isnt the first time he's been like this. I"m sorry and all but you'll have to get his car towed here."
* With the help of a neighbour, I got his car going, drove it to his sisters place then I walked back home which took almost 2 hours.

So now i'm rid of his stuff and i'm sitting here absolutely heart broken. I've ended this chapter in my life with many unanswered questions. There is still a hint of the door still being open but what else could i do?

Did I do the right and sensible thing?
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 2
Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/7/2010 2:12:24 AM
Gee I just got back off an oil rig offshore, working 18 hour splits, and being away from my family and girl for three months, and I come back to find the car is packed, at my sisters; all my stuff inside .....

I know I wouldnt call.
 softy63
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 3
Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/7/2010 2:27:16 AM
He doesnt work on an oil rig off shore....he works at a Gas Plant on shore and he doesnt work 18 hour split shifts.

My issue here is do you think I did the right thing considering the details in my thread.
 myblueshadow
Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 4
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Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/7/2010 7:40:12 AM
He has chosen to give you absolutely no information. I always tell people to base decisions on the facts that are before them, and not to speculate what things might mean. The facts are that he is away and has not contacted you for 3 months. That's all you have to base a decision on. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but not to the point of burrying my head in the sand. Ask yourself this: What explanation could he give that would make this behavior ok? If he's hurt, why wouldn't he have just told you that? If his ability/access to phone was limited, why wouldn't he just tell you that? My guess is that the explanation will not be "innocent" and he'd rather do it when he's in a position to influence your reaction.
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 5
Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/7/2010 8:39:18 AM

Extreme would have been if she put all of his stuff in his car and lit it on fire.

Really? Considering the circumstances, seems kinda reasonable to me! Look OP, you tried - three months with NO explanation. You owe him nothing. I think returning his things was above and beyond. And if over then next month or so he concocts some wild-ass explanation - I wouldn't buy it.
A man who loves (and respects you) would move heaven and earth to assure you - if he intended on continuing your relationship.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 6
Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/7/2010 9:26:30 AM
Note to self, Never leave your shiat anywhere else other than a locked dedicated storage facility.

When I was in the military, I would disappear for 6 months at a time, no phone, no email, no contact, unless you were injured, dying or dead; you were out of contact.
20 years; 18 girlfriends. Learned quick to trade em in at deployment/cruise time. Just not worth it.

You were disposable to him, as his stuff was to you.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 7
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Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/7/2010 9:30:05 AM
You did the right thing, if he cared he would have called.
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 8
Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/7/2010 10:03:14 AM
Oh, Valencia . . . if you cared about any one of those girls, you'd have found a way to communicate. Phone; cell phone; text; email; snail mail; carrier pigeon.
 myblueshadow
Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 9
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Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/7/2010 10:06:30 AM
For me, it wouldn't be the lack of communication itself that was the problem, but the lack of explanation.

Valencia, I'm assuming you would have told the gf's upfront that there would be little or no communication. When I was much younger, I dated someone in the navy. I knew when he would be deployed and that he wouldn't be able to call. He didn't just say, I'll explain later and then not call for 6 months.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 10
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Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/7/2010 4:21:36 PM
I'm with the poster who said ask yourself if there's any explanation that would make this alright. Personally, I can't see one. If he was sick or injured to the point that he couldn't be in touch with you, his family would know. Besides, we already know that he's not, b/c he TOLD you basically that he doesn't want to communicate with you.

So, whether that's b/c he has another woman, or b/c he's just flaking out for some other reason, or b/c he has a severe mental illness that causes him to behave like this periodically (according to his sister, he has done this before), the question is do you really want to be with somebody who does something like this, for whatever reason.

I think it's the epitome of passive-aggressive behavior and displays a complete disregard for your feelings. To me, behavior like this is so unloving and self-centered, that I would not want to be with that person.

That said, I'm going through something like this on a MUCH smaller scale with somebody I've only been with for six months, and even that hurts. So, I'm very sorry for the pain you must be feeling to have a two year relationship end like this.

But I think you did the right thing, absolutely. Don't look back! Good luck!
 softy63
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 11
Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/7/2010 6:54:01 PM
Well.......about an hour ago I got the answers to all my questions.

I've just got back from taking more of his stuff to his sister. She told me she spoke to him yesterday and he told her he's staying away from everyone and everything.

Apparently he's heavily in debt, owes money to family, and he's not coming home.

He doesnt even want this computer (which is his).

So thats it. His sister and I hugged and I drove home absolutely devastated.


to have a two year relationship end like this.



Thankyou to everyone who responded to my thread. xx
 Justfortheforum
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 12
Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/7/2010 7:02:44 PM
I'm so sorry to hear that. It's cold comfort, but at least you know you did the right thing in moving on.
 cinsav
Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 13
Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/7/2010 7:46:57 PM

I hope that knowing why makes it easier for you to be ale to heal and move on.

Best of luck!


She wont move on... She's "in love" and the moment he shows back up - which he will sooner or later - she'll jump right back in with both feet and be here three months later with the same problems. It's a cycle you ladies put yourselves in time and time again. Of course some men do it too, but it's more common with you.
 TallChick61
Joined: 1/21/2010
Msg: 14
Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/7/2010 10:00:48 PM

Apparently he's heavily in debt, owes money to family, and he's not coming home.


That's a stupid reason to cut himself off from everyone he supposedly cares about.

I think you're better off without this loser in your life, OP. Sucks that it has to hurt so much now, but now you have room in your life for a man who is more mature in how he handles problems.

Stay strong, and be good to yourself.
 Far_Horizon
Joined: 3/11/2010
Msg: 15
Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/7/2010 10:15:46 PM
It is what it is!

Do what you have to do !

What's done is done!

Don't cry over spilt milk!

Give it time!

They are not cliches for nothing, but that doesn't make them any the less valid.
 softy63
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 16
Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/8/2010 1:38:12 AM
She wont move on... She's "in love" and the moment he shows back up - which he will sooner or later - she'll jump right back in with both feet and be here three months later with the same problems. It's a cycle you ladies put yourselves in time and time again. Of course some men do it too, but it's more common with you.


Thanks cinsav....
How did i put myself in this situation?
I'm "in love?" I know what love is...I was happily married and I have 4 children.

Do you know me? I guess you know best. Its all my fault. I deserve it and so do his children, his mother and his last remaining sister. He recently lost a sister to suicide.

I'm a horrible person because I'm female and deserve all I get. Happy now?
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 17
Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/8/2010 1:48:19 AM
My apathy is only eclipsed by my indifference.

When you go dark, you stay dark until it is done. And if you are lucky, you get to write a book about 25 years later.
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 18
Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/8/2010 6:35:10 AM

You have known this man for 2 years & did not realize he was having financial problems & was emotionally devastated about it? Hmmmm I doubt that! You two have been together for 2 years & he cannot discuss his finances with you? Hmmm I doubt that!

I don't doubt it a bit! My ex was bi-polar - and a pathological liar, particularly when it came to money. The fact that his sister said it wasn't the first time, and another sister committed suicide, I would not be at all surprised that there is a mental health issue there.
Soft - be strong. Embrace the pain - and ANGER - because if you feel sorry for him, even the slightest - he could suck you back into his world (my ex embezzled nearly $100K and was facing prosecution, and threatening suicide, if I wouldn't agree to pay back the money he stole!)- take if from one who has been there - that is NOT a place you want to be!
You have made the first step - be strong and move on!
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 19
Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/8/2010 7:40:02 AM
^^ Agreed, but nothing surprises me anymore!
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 20
Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/8/2010 5:11:22 PM

(sleeping beauty) personally i think you need more info.


Personally, I think that, at this point, given the action that the OP has taken, she needs no further information. Why should she torture herself with "coulda/shoulda" games?

Sometimes people just don't get the concept of, "It's OVER!!!"

Jack
 softy63
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 21
Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/9/2010 12:41:56 AM
I sincerely want to thank Midlandtom and funnyone for bringing this thread back down to earth.

It appeared to me that comments were starting to get out of hand ....therefore leaving room for speculation, assumptions and accusations.

I did find comfort in both your posts (and those before you who based their opinions on my post and their deep feelings.)

I really appreciate your thoughts on my dilemma.

BTW yes I DID leave the door open a little while I was packing up his things, to give him the benefit of the doubt and waiting for answers, from my many calls and texts to him. I Told him i can only hang on for so long. "If no answer I'll save you the trouble ....presume its over .....and move your things to your sisters place. UNLESS you tell me differently. "

I heard nothing differently so I closed the door with a broken heart and moved the rest of his things to his sister's place.

His family are also devastated.

 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 22
Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/9/2010 11:40:42 AM
hey softat heart:
give yourself the time you need.
this can be very difficult time for you...the loss of the man you loved, the relationship you had, or thought you had with him.
at least you now know the reason.
my thoughts are with you...

i think what he did, for whatever reason...was insensitive to your feelings.
and i hope that you do not ever go back with him...because it could happen again.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 23
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Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/9/2010 8:05:39 PM
I just read the "answer" followup post (in debt, staying away). It isn't what I expected, which was that he'd gotten involved with someone else, and was waiting until he could get the courage and the words to say so. His actual explanation wouldn't be all that comforting to me, were the roles reversed.
Assuming he is telling the truth, it's just as well you do move on. His behavior would indicate that he still has a great deal of "becoming" , or growing up to do, which would make for a long unpleasant time to be in a relationship with him, and also make for the strong chance that once he DID grow up, he wouldn't be the guy you got together with. When I was MUCH younger (teens!) I also tried to "solve" my problems through isolation. It wasn't good for anyone, especially me.
So yes, apparently you did the right things. Take care.
 softy63
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 24
Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/9/2010 8:45:17 PM
Thankyou....igor....for your response.
Its been a total shock, out of character and selfish to put those who love him through this. Well his loss......

I've changed my profile to friends. Its all I want at the moment.
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 25
Did I do the right and sensible thing?
Posted: 4/10/2010 2:41:27 PM

BTW yes I DID leave the door open a little while I was packing up his things, to give him the benefit of the doubt and waiting for answers, from my many calls and texts to him. I Told him i can only hang on for so long. "If no answer I'll save you the trouble ....presume its over .....and move your things to your sisters place. UNLESS you tell me differently. "


my situation is different...but like you..i texted him something similar...
because i always give the benefit of the doubt like you did.
i told him that giving no answer will be treated the same as if he answered yes..
to a questions that has a yes or no to it.
he didnt answer for 2 days.. leaving me upset and wondering.
then,
telling me finally that i Should Have Known the answer. (as if i have psychic abilities and i can see him and what he thinks and does at all times.)

funny, not in a good sense, ,..because had he answered truthfully, and not made me wait for 2 days, knowing i was upset because i texted him that i was,..
....i may have given him another chance.
but it was because he did not have the respect enough for my feelings to answer a very serious question...
that hurt so much..
that i never saw him again after that.
it was indicative of how our relationship went the for much of the time.
it showed me that he really did not care enough about the relationship.
so...why should i, or you..in yr case...
put your life into it and keep giving him the benefit of doubt.
no more benefits...
no more doubts.

i still say that you did the right thing. i am sorry for your hurt now.
and i hope you take your time in healing from this.

i just read this quote:
if someone you love hurts you, cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

another:
God is closest to those with broken hearts.

another:
God counts the tears of women.
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