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Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?      Home login  
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 techgirl27
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 1
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Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Is it a dealbreaker if someone wants to wait? I think it shows more self respect, and helps weed out those who walk out the door when you won't give your complete self after 5 minutes. (I had one experience where literally after 5 minutes, they left after telling me what they thought they would be getting, no plans or promises were made, or nookie words ever mentioned). Don't you want to be sure that person is going to stay with you first?? Or at the very least, know that you and they are comfortable and compatible in other ways before that? Why should the fact that I wont give my privates to a virtual stranger be a dealbreaker? (this applies to all age groups, and both guys and gals)
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 2
Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/12/2010 9:13:42 AM
OP...you cannot stop a guy from walking out the door after having sex with you.

Some will wait and be patient with ya...

All the while having their other options to quench their thirst.

Then have sex with you and still not call you back...


you cannot...change the way things are.

all you are doing is limiting the number of guys that you do have sex with...


why is it a dealbreaker? because not everyone wants what you want.



Consider yourself fortunate to have learned what kind of person you were dealing with, without having wasted time.


what kind of person is that? a person that is just not that into the OP?

just because a guy/girl does not commit to you after sex - that does not make them a bad person. or some kind of player...
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 3
Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/12/2010 10:01:41 AM

Is it a dealbreaker if someone wants to wait? I think it shows more self respect, and helps weed out those who walk out the door when you won't give your complete self after 5 minutes.

Not for 5 minutes, of course not... but let's be honest. Is it really more than just 5 minutes, or something more generic like 5 dates? 5 weeks? 5 months?

If a guy is really attracted to you, it's not so much when you have sex exactly, but if you're untrusting of guys and overly-prudish that would be a deal-breaker. For instance, if you've spent some time together, and on date 3, you're apprehensive to give much of a kiss at your car door, yeah, that's a deal breaker for a lot of guys. There are women out there who "dont know" if they're attracted to a guy (meaning they aren't), and they don't want to deal with that. If there's no "progression" or openness expressed about finding them sexually attractive, they'll walk if not the desperate type.

By that same token, they would be the desperate type looking for just-sex, if they walk after a 1st date not getting any.

What are the normalized time-frames? Much like you described... not a virtual stranger, but basically when you both are really comfortable and have spent some time together.

But it doesn't have to come close to acts of sex for a guy to walk, though. If he gets from you that you want to be "friends" first, he may walk -- that doesn't mean he's just looking for sex. He doesn't want to jump thru hoops with a gal who isn't that attracted to him. If she doesn't like a kiss at the end of the night, and ends up walking, no, that doesn't mean he was after just sex either. Catch the drift? For a lot of guys sex doesn't have to happen soon -- but they would like to KNOW things are progressing over time. You can weed out the guys looking for just-sex by at least keeping the hot & heavy aside until you start seeing each other frequently (but in that mean time building things up and showing you ARE into them).
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 4
Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/12/2010 10:16:53 AM

Is it a dealbreaker if someone wants to wait?
Depends on what they're waiting FOR.


I think it shows more self respect, and helps weed out those who walk out the door when you won't give your complete self after 5 minutes.

I don't think self respect has anything to do with it, but INTELLIGENCE does.


(I had one experience where literally after 5 minutes, they left after telling me what they thought they would be getting, no plans or promises were made, or nookie words ever mentioned).

I just shows what a moron he is. Confidence may be a turn on, but being unrealistically presumptuous - Tell him thanks for playing and Rosey Palm will be his hostess tonight.


Or at the very least, know that you and they are comfortable and compatible in other ways before that?


You would think, but that's not the way some men think. They don't care what your hopes and dreams are. Many don't even want to be bothered with putting in 15 minutes of seduction. My theory is, a man that is premature out of the bedroom, will likely be premature in the bedroom, so even if a woman were to abandon her principles she would be very disappointed.


Why should the fact that I wont give my privates to a virtual stranger be a dealbreaker?

You could always have a little fun and teach them a lesson they woudn't soon forget. Tie them up, haul out a bullwhip and start cracking it, and then inform them your biggest fantasy is to drive a spike through his testicles like Serpent and the Rainbow.




 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 5
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Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/12/2010 10:59:25 AM

Don't you want to be sure that person is going to stay with you first?? Or at the very least, know that you and they are comfortable and compatible in other ways before that? Why should the fact that I wont give my privates to a virtual stranger be a dealbreaker? (this applies to all age groups, and both guys and gals)



There are no guarantees that person will stay with you if you wait. However, if the person you are dating is pressuring you to have sex before you are ready they are probably more interested in sex than getting to know you. It shouldn't be a requirement to have sex right away. You do what feels right to you with no set time to wait. I personally need an emotional attachment before having sex. Developing the relationship before sex. This is not to say that I didn't ever have sex without a secure relationship but those were the times he did not stay around for long. If all they want is sex then having it before your comfortable in doing so will not make them stay with you longer. With my current SO our first kiss was on the 3rd date and neither one of us was ready for sex until months later.



Is it a dealbreaker if someone wants to wait? I think it shows more self respect, and helps weed out those who walk out the door when you won't give your complete self after 5 minutes.


Do what is right for you and not worry about the people that consider it a deal breaker.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 6
Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/12/2010 11:03:00 AM

You could always have a little fun and teach them a lesson they woudn't soon forget. Tie them up, haul out a bullwhip and start cracking it, and then inform them your biggest fantasy is to drive a spike through his testicles like Serpent and the Rainbow.


my my my...our true colors come out huh Glenn Close?
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 7
Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/12/2010 11:20:36 AM
my my my...our true colors come out huh Glenn Close?


Oh come on , that little scenario was all in fun. Maybe I've watched too many Family Guy episodes.
Actually anyone, be them male OR female takes a great amount of risk in having sex with people they barely know. I do question a man's intelligence when he has no regard for his own personal safety.
Watch the news - there are a lot of nuts out there - much less are women, but they still exist. Men don't think about the consequences of a one night stand for themselves, they're just hoping to break a heart and build their ego.

Even IF I was looking for an intimate encounter I would want to know about the person's character, health, S.O. situation, and the like.
People who sleep with someone they know nothing about sometimes end up getting what they deserve.

The question of easy sex isn't so much about virtue, self respect or reputation to me, as it is regard for one's health, personal safety, and emotional well being.

Those men who adhere to the double standard - as I get older, I have more and more contempt for shallow, empty, promiscuous men, but I simply don't have ANY desire for revenge. I'm busy looking for GOOD sex with someone who understands me, not some clueless walking hard on.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 8
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Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/12/2010 11:39:32 AM

If the guy you're with sees it as 'waiting', then he's only in it for the sex.... if he's having fun and enjoys being with you, then it's not 'waiting'... It's not like an entire relationship can be based on sex... there has to be a lot more there as well....



If a guy is more interested in developing the relationship with you then when sex will occur he probably isn't going to consider "waiting" a deal breaker. Those that leave weren't the right one for you anyway.
 myrgth
Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 9
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Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/12/2010 1:16:23 PM

Is it a dealbreaker if someone wants to wait?


Like others have said, it depends on why they want to wait and what they are waiting for.


I think it shows more self respect, and helps weed out those who walk out the door when you won't give your complete self after 5 minutes


The issue is putting a time frame on it at all. For either gender. No one should expect it is going to happen but at the same time no one should expect it won't. Basically, there should be no expectation. When you use sex to get something in return (love, respect, a relationship) then you end up getting used.


Don't you want to be sure that person is going to stay with you first??


Well, it's obvious that you do. Using sex as a means to get someone to stay with you won't work. All it will do is weed out the impatient people that are only seeking sex. The patient ones that have lots of options will just wait until you give it up.


Or at the very least, know that you and they are comfortable and compatible in other ways before that


What other ways? The downside of this for men is that you may well become comfortable and compatible as friends but it kills any sexual interest and they ain't looking for more friends. You may only be compatible sexually.. then what?


Why should the fact that I wont give my privates to a virtual stranger be a dealbreaker?


Because you view it as something to be given or gifted upon the deserving as opposed to being a confident woman who trusts her instincts and is in full command of her sexuality.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 10
Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/12/2010 1:36:04 PM
OP, I've had that happen to me in the past. One guy at least told me up front that if we didn't have sex on a 1st meeting that we would agree to walk away with no further contact. My response was NEXT! I'm not f*cking some random guy after only knowing him for 2 hrs or less from a first meeting. Men who don't want to wait to get know someone are better off putting an ad on Craigslist or paying for an escort. They could get that instant gratification in 30 minutes or less.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 11
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Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/12/2010 1:47:32 PM
My answer. No, not a deal breaker at all. It is up to the parties involved how their relationship works, goes.


I had one experience where literally after 5 minutes, they left after telling me what they thought they would be getting, no plans or promises were made, or nookie words ever mentioned


You ARE much better off that the person walked. I think you know that. If not, you ARE.

Sex is special, in my opinion. It is natural, healthy, builds closeness between the involved. Sure, some just "like" sex. Fine. But, it is really up to the two involved how they progress.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 12
Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/12/2010 1:59:58 PM
I've never gone by a set time line. It depends on the individual situation. There have been men I've had sex with on the first date (and ended up marrying a couple of them them) and there have been men I was friends with for quite a while first. I do what feels right for me and the person I'm with. You should do the same. If someone tries to insist on having sex when you don't feel ready, then they aren't the person for you. A person who wants to get to know you will want you to be comfortable too.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 13
Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/12/2010 6:24:37 PM

my my my...our true colors come out huh Glenn Close?


Oh come on , that little scenario was all in fun.


well- maybe for you it was fun...but fatal attraction types do not seem fun to me!!

;)


I'm busy looking for GOOD sex with someone who understands me, not some clueless walking hard on.


got tired of the ol' relationship bug and realized you just wanted some great physical sex huh?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 14
Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/13/2010 9:31:50 AM

The reason being that I am more likely to act with caution (being hesitant to kiss in the first couple of dates, etc.) if it's a man I think I could be seriously interested in.

So if you think you could be seriously interested in him, I understand being cautious about getting hot & heavy too early and wanting things to build some. But a KISS at the end of the night? Avoiding that isn't playing it conservative. That's just shyness at best, that he would not know of unless you why shy as a clam the whole time (turn off to most guys)... and of course otherwise it means No Interest. You could tell a guy beforehand that you never kiss on the first date before you meet him, of course, that very well may jeopardize his enthusiasm about seeing you, because that's a turn off. But not kissing at the end of the night sends the wrong signal. Acting like Friends during the first few dates sends the clear & direct message that there's a lack of interest to most men, yes, including ones who are conservative.

Showing interest is how you kiss at the end of the night. I can understand with someone you know isn't relationship-worthy, you'd be more be let-loose in terms of being physical... because there is no "early" since there is no "future". But a kiss goodnight after a date -- tells the story. Avoiding a kiss means you're avoiding any affection. Don't let the shyness/anxiety about a potentially really-great guy send him the wrong message by avoiding a nice kiss!
 techgirl27
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 15
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Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/13/2010 11:37:27 AM
These are all good points, keep them positive and constructive. Wow, THAT on pof? A better quality thread than usual anyway. Personally, I think that if he isn't willing to take things at a pace that's comfortable for me, well then he really doesn't care about me enough to get my vote.
 techgirl27
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 16
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Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/13/2010 11:47:33 AM
My profile also says I have kids. And this isn't about no sex ever, its just about not jumping in bed with someone you barely know. You'd run fast from that? A lot of women would be grateful for that.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 17
Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/13/2010 12:47:17 PM
I think the OP is talking about guys that want to push it within the first couple of conversations or within minutes of meeting or talking. It's like they're just playing a numbers game approaching random women online, and without putting in any time or effort, they just ask or assume. It's annoying and frustrating when guys are are like that. Like the OP, there is no chemistry for me towards a guy when I barely know his first name. What boggles my mind is why some guys don't get that and we have to be so blunt and sarcastic about it. Why wouldn't they save themselves the humiliation of rejection and wait until there is enough of an obvious connection to approach the subject? I mean, I swear some men are autistic and cannot pick up on simple obvious non-verbal cues of whether a woman is interested in them or not.
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 18
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Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/13/2010 12:55:39 PM

What boggles my mind is why some guys don't get that and we have to be so blunt and sarcastic about it. Why wouldn't they save themselves the humiliation of rejection and wait until there is enough of an obvious connection to approach the subject? I mean, I swear some men are autistic and cannot pick up on simple obvious non-verbal cues of whether a woman is interested in them or not.


Most likely because they really dont have anything invested in the process, if they get sex its a win, if they dont, they go back to trolling for someone who will....These are the types that are looking for a body, any body, who SHE is doesnt really matter, it what SHE can provide to him at that moment in time....
 techgirl27
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 19
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Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/13/2010 2:40:02 PM
how long depends on the person, how much time they're going to spend with me getting to know me, etc. I don't think I mentioned anywhere about not having sex til marriage. It would be nice but not realistic, so to find a happy medium where we've achieved a greater comfort level around each other and at least committed to be exclusive... that could be any length of time depeding on the person and their willingness to step up to the plate. For me personally, having at it with a guy who is still sleeping around isn't very, well, dignifying. I still haven't come up wtih a good reason why I should give up my intimate self for someone who has basically given up nothing for me.
 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 20
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Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/13/2010 9:18:30 PM
I think it all comes down to an individual's comfort level, whatever is right for you, if I have a bad gut feeling about a guy, I listen to it. I usually know fairly quickly if there is any sexual chemistry, but I also need an intellectual/personality connection with the man I want to sleep with. I think honest communication is the key, let the guy know what your comfort level is and what he is looking for, find out what kind of person he is, helps to weed out the "hit it and run" crowd. I'm very cautious about guys who want sex the first 10 minutes, feels like desperation to me and I wonder just how many others there have been, but there is that rare occasion when you meet that one and all you want to do is tear their clothes off, so again depends on the people involved.
 wvwaterfall
Joined: 1/17/2007
Msg: 21
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Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/14/2010 7:14:19 AM
Deal breaker? A deal maker is if both are comfortable with how things are and where they seem to be headed. If one or the other either pushes too fast or seems uninterested in progressing beyond where the other hopes to go that can be a deal breaker. That's not limited to sex, but degree of intimacy is certainly included in the factors we weigh as we decide whether to keep spending time with someone.

I've met women who made great platonic friends, great friends with benefits, and great exclusive mates. Those were good deals.

I've also had plenty of experiences where it became clear early on that we were not on the same page, not a match that could result in a relationship we both would enjoy being part of. Those were broken deals.

As many others here agree, how soon to get how intimate should be a product of the chemistry and interest level of both of us, not any sort of arbitrary deadlines or waiting periods.

Hope that helps,

Dave
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 22
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Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/14/2010 6:35:18 PM
WOW! Techgirl27, if your question is really if waiting FIVE MINUTES before having sex should be a a deal-breaker, you've been dealing with the wrong guys in a big way. Even in the days of wild and free sex in the sixties and seventies, five minutes was extremely unusual. At least on the east coast.
 Brownlady1953
Joined: 12/12/2008
Msg: 23
Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/15/2010 10:05:21 AM
Amen, Discerning, Amen!
 techgirl27
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 24
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Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/16/2010 9:28:46 PM
The 5 minutes was an extreme, but all too increasingly common, example of what men seem to expect from women. I am not "dating" these men, believe me they wont even get the time of day from me if they try that. As for being the "wrong type of men" well if they aren't all that way, find me one that isn't because they aren't anywhere near here. Besides, how can you tell if a stranger is the "wrong type" ahead of time? That's crazy to be able to expect someone to know that, especially when they expect things to happen so fast. I just know that I deserve better than that, and if he doesn't think I'm worth waiting for, he isn't worth my time. "Complaining"? Only a complaint to you because you think women should give their whole intimate selves to real strangers, and when they won't for you, *you* see it as a complaint.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 25
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Waiting to have sex, a deal breaker?
Posted: 4/17/2010 1:09:51 AM
i have only had one, one night stand, i was very young,. the one night stand was to last 7 years......., not counting fooling around in my teens, (high school), which ended, when i was 18 , and found a 35 year old woman, who taught me a lot about pleasing a woman, myself, and how to be a good lover, since that age, i had 3 long term relationships, no cheating, an abundance of great sex
so i guess i would have to say, no, to wanting sex, as in intercourse right away,i would need to have testing done before that would happen, but if it where hot and heavy, there are a lot of thing that can be done
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