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 kissmyasthma
Joined: 12/4/2009
Msg: 1
full custody and how?Page 1 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
Inspired by another thread, this goes out to those who have full or majority custody of their children. Not limited to those divorced people for it is true that many kids are coming into the world not born of married couples. Would really like to hear from dads who have full custody and how you got it.
 myblueshadow
Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 2
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History
full custody and how?
Posted: 4/22/2010 1:20:43 PM
I'm not a dad, nor male for that matter, but my ex-husband had full-custody. He obtained full custody by paying her off. It cost less than it would have to go to court and that was all she really wanted anyway. She would pop-up every few months saying she wanted a visit but never followed through. She never paid any child support, despite a court order and as far as I know never suffered any consequences for not paying.
 lynaudio
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 3
full custody and how?
Posted: 4/22/2010 3:45:54 PM
I know, I’m not a guy either. I think in many cases that the kids would be better off living primarily with their dad though. It really does depend on the people. Eraser, here in Canada the guidelines are fair. If you google, you can find out all the info you need. I know, I know. Women still seem to have an easier time getting free legal advice and representation. I’m not saying that is fair. Try putting yourself in the judge’s shoes and imagine what questions you would ask, if you had to decide.
The first thing I would want to know… if you were three hours away and got a call from school that your child was involved in an incident and was taken to the hospital, can you name three people you could call to be with your child till you could get there?
See what you need is a well thought out plan. Homework, childcare, medicare number, doctor’s name etc. Will your employer understand if you need to leave work to deal with an emergency and if not can you cover it in another way?
Any kind of negative emotion, especially anger, will work against you. Don’t biatch about money or what an azz the ex is. Go in will all positives and make it clear that you want your kids to be safe and happy. Create a resume that makes it clear that you will be a wonderful influence on your children. Show why their lives will benefit if they live with you. Indicate that you would like to see your children have a good relationship with their mother. You really should get at least 50/50 time with your kids. If that doesn’t work, the system is not being implemented as designed, and you need to appeal.
 kissmyasthma
Joined: 12/4/2009
Msg: 4
full custody and how?
Posted: 4/22/2010 4:39:52 PM
Just to clarify, do not have an impending case coming up. It was settled (ha ) over five years ago.
This is more of a research on beach resorts kind of thing.
Wondering how fathers did actually get custody, special circumstances, mutual decision whatever.

I do have some one that my sister had asked my advice about concerning his upcoming quest for full custody. His lawyer really hasn't accomplished much in two months and his bill is already 11,000.

And is there a difference in how women get full custody then how men get it.
 kissmyasthma
Joined: 12/4/2009
Msg: 5
full custody and how?
Posted: 4/23/2010 5:45:00 AM
@ simply red, from what I remember they are 7 and 9. Isn't it 12 where they can choose? They were born here and I believe there are more family from the husbands side here in Ontario. She wants them in NFLD.

I was hoping to hear from more men in this thread but so ar not a lot of responses.
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 6
full custody and how?
Posted: 4/23/2010 6:09:09 AM
Well OP, not a man, not Canadian, but have full custody - by default - 'dad' never made an effort for visitation, let alone custody. . . and finds any excuse to not pay court ordered healthcare or even show up for sporting events. Lucky me, I married a douchebag.
 My I
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 7
full custody and how?
Posted: 4/23/2010 6:30:20 AM
In my circumstance I let time be the deciding factor.

When I walked out on her and moved into my own apartment (eventually), she became the b!tch from hell. She cried the blues and began her rampage to make me out to be someone I was never was. She had male friends wanting to beat me up (for no specific reason). I ignored her and that insenced her more - she needs to drama in order to validate her existence.

In regards to the kids, she created a lot of problems by making unreasonable demands (as was her policy with most people she hated) for me to pay her cash under the table as well as pay the court ordered support payments and buy the kids clothes. It got worse. She kept crying "Broke!!" (we both were but my circumstances don't count - as usual) and kept taking it out on the kids while, at the same time, undergoing breast augmentation, buying a wardrobe to accomodate bigger breasts all in preparation for travelling to the west indies and southern states where there were topless beaches (she showed the kids photos of her at those topless beaches)..... all while collecting social assistance.

The kids had no idea what to think other than to believe mom. So, me being patient, I let her act like an idiot for years knowing darn well her behaviour (karma) was going to slap her in the face eventually..... and it did.

There were too many acts of betrayal by their mom based mostly on the behaviour of her violent, abusive and alcoholic (fourth) husband... whom she supported. It eventually got to the point where the kids walked out on her - just like I did.

We've had it a bit rough in our house because the environment they were raised in with their mom and her other marriages was not good. It's been a work in progress and still is. I'm glad the kids are with me because they now have a safe environment, a protective father and a relationship with an adult that does not involve drug, alcohol use and the violence associated with those kind of a$$holes.

As a footnote.... she's a deadbeat mom. She's thousands in arrears and has been collecting child tax benefits illegally. Par for the course.
 myblueshadow
Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 8
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History
full custody and how?
Posted: 4/23/2010 6:42:41 AM
Eraser, I'm not Canadian so I am not at all familiar with the laws there, but I can tell you that in the US it would be a battle. It's not easy for men to get custody. In fact, it's difficult to find an attorney who is willing to even fight for it, unless the mom is completely incompetent. From my experience with friends and working in the field, dad's have to prove that mom is unfit in order to gain primary custody. The norm is joint legal custody (which in my opinion is just lip service) with the mother being the residential parent and the father getting every other weekend visits and a mid-week visit on the off week.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 9
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History
full custody and how?
Posted: 4/23/2010 7:25:25 AM
At the time of my divorce the Ex never tried for custody I was given primary residency and support. Ex had visitation lived 15 minutes away rarely took the time allowed and never asked for more time. Now he is 1200 miles away and tens of thousands in arrears, he sees the kids once a year if I buy plane ticket for them.
I wish good Dads would be treated fairly and deadbeats would wake up one day and realize how much they lost by not acting in the best interest of their children. Kids need both parents equally.
 thatusernameistaken
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 10
full custody and how?
Posted: 4/23/2010 9:30:47 AM

I was hoping to hear from more men in this thread but so ar not a lot of responses.


Its just a matter of numbers, there are not very many men out there with sole custody, let alone on the PoF forums. Men start off at a disadvantage when heading into custody hearings, we need to fight with all we have to get to the halfway point in most instances.

I've come across a few full custody fathers on this site, but the vast majority of them have full custody due to the mother having severe alcohol or drug problems, or just flat out walking away. The only man I can think of who has pretty much full custody here that doesn't have an addict ex or an ex that just left would be Tealwood.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 11
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full custody and how?
Posted: 4/23/2010 12:41:01 PM
Q:Would really like to hear from dads who have full custody and how you got it.
A: I won in court. Not easy to do, but with a judge that rules on the law it is possible. The best advice to any one is to have a good pre-nup before getting married in the first place. If it is good and set up right, keeping the home is not hard. If you keep the home, lots of times you will get primary custody. Have the home the kids will follow!

There are over 2,500,000 single father headed household in the USA. Not a small group and because single fathers have shown they tend to do better (kids from single father haeded household much more likely to finish high school, much less likely to go to jail or become a teen mom and much less likely to be on wellfair or need state help) more and more judges are giving primary costody to the father. Single fathers are the fast growing parent type in the USA. Not a fair fight yet, but fathers can and do win, but only if they stay clean and think. Single fathers that do win, much less likely to get any support from the ex then single moms (not even close), so dads tend to do it for the kids and not a payday!
 ButterflyMum
Joined: 8/28/2006
Msg: 12
full custody and how?
Posted: 4/23/2010 5:21:37 PM
hi. I'm a single mum and have full custody of my son. I dont know any dads that have full custody although some of them should. here in Australia mothers usually get full custody as it is assumed they are the better parent. which in a lot of cases is a load of crap. A friend of mine is currently trying to get full custody of his daughter and i wish him all the luck in the world. the mother of his child is abusive and a liar and she still has custody. he has been fighting for nearly 2 years and lost his job because of court apprearances and her bad mouthing him including accusing him of abusing the daughter. he only ever has supervised contact. so impossible to abuse her.

Ultimately the system is stacked against dads.
 My I
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 13
full custody and how?
Posted: 4/24/2010 6:19:02 AM

^^^^^Ding... Ding..Ding...We have a winner! Perhaps walking out of the house without a custody arrangement first is a bad choice? Especially when it seems to take most men a couple years of paying child support to decide they really love their kids and want them full-time.....hmmmm.....coinkydink ya think?

Ummmm, einstein? I never expected to fight over custody nor, did I. Unlike the douchebags you mated with, I was resposnible for my part of the support and involvement with the kids.
As far as your jaded and ill concieved perception that men seek custody once they experienced the cost of child support, that's not true either. I knew where my kids belonged. Once she brought a douchebag into my kids lives, I was all over the situation. Problem being, mom was so much a b!tch towards everyone she pushed the kids away, emotionally, so they walked out on her. I simply opened my door and let them in... no court battled required.

Why is it the most vocal/miserable women in these forums are also in a relationship?
*red flag*
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 14
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History
full custody and how?
Posted: 4/24/2010 7:23:14 AM
I think each custody case is unique and should be treated as such.
His Lawyers advise the Dad to stay in the house like the 400 lbs gorilla in order NOT to get charged with abandonment even though they hate each others guts then the Wife screams abuse because she gets tired of seeing his face every day and before you know it Dad has a restraining order against him and wonders what the hell just happened. Accounts get frozen, he has no where to go and she can't make the mortgage on her own. The kids suffer having to listen to adults behave like morons.
But hey , the lawyers are always the only ones that win in the end so what is the point of battling and treating children like chattel? Be mature, look at the best interests of the kids and stop slamming your Exes like they are the scum of the earth. Move on.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 15
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full custody and how?
Posted: 4/24/2010 5:37:17 PM
http://www.theodora.com/teddy/newyork/fatherless.html

This appeared as an article in the Washington Times (12/19/95 - A19) and is distributed by the Texas Fathers Alliance

85% of prisoners, 78% of high school dropouts, 82% of teenage girls who become pregnant, the majority of drug and alcohol abusers - all come from single-mother-headed households. Less than 1% of any of these categories come from single-father-headed households. This seems to indicate that the problems children encounter are not related to single-parent households, but are related specifically to single-mother-headed households.


The data and studies support this. It is not hog wash. Work the google a bit and you wil see.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 16
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full custody and how?
Posted: 4/25/2010 4:53:30 AM
"You want to do a comparison between single dads vs single moms then you make sure all elements are equal."

All things will never be equal, you see it is men against women, fathers against mothers in this compitition and the data is clear who has been doing the better job and it is single fathers. There are lots of studies that support this not just the one link I posted from.Why do single fathers do better, well there are likely lots of reasons, but it is a statistical fact that they do better. Just live with it. It does not mean some mothers are not doing a good job, it just means as a group they are not doing it as well as men. Like wise as a group they are much more likely not to pay child support if it has been ordered. That does not mean there are no women that pay every month.

"PLEASE!
Not all single mothers are equal oh I know were all trailor trash garbage from the gutter while you single dads are successful men still chasing after college students. "

Got a few issues working Jenn8131, talk about a post I would not believe or not backed up with data lol. Yes, we all know you do not like men and it has to pain you to know fathers are more likely then mothers to pay support when ordered or children from single father headed households are more likely to finish high school then children from single mother headed household, but these are the facts. All this and we get to chase after college students too.
 My I
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 17
full custody and how?
Posted: 4/25/2010 7:43:46 AM

Not all single mothers are equal oh I know were all trailor trash garbage from the gutter while you single dads are successful men still chasing after college students.

I'm not certain if you women realise how degrading you are to yourselves? Many of you say the most demeaning things about yourselves as a false pretense suggesting that is the way men think of single moms... that's so untrue.

Maybe you should work on your self esteem and self perception and stop pretending you have infinite insight into a man's mind.

I've clearly stated what I think of whores... that's no secret. I also commented why I wouldn't label all sexually active women (moms included) as whores. Yet, some of you women take on that title of "whore" in order to present your argument..... it isn't necessary; I don't understand that logic. Single moms are not trailer trash whores. But if you want us to believe you are then keep reiterating that fact.

Men aren't stupid. We realise the effort it takes to raise children. We also realise that many, if not most, moms are better at certain child raising skills than men.... that's not rocket science either.

Where I think the big difference between parenting attributes is that moms tend to be more of a friend to the child(ren) and men tend to be more authoritive with the child(ren). ... that's about the only difference, really.

As kids, I remember all of the sibblings in our family usually went to mom first because we knew dad would most likely be the first person to say "No". But that still does not mean that was always the case.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 18
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full custody and how?
Posted: 4/25/2010 12:38:36 PM

Washington Times (12/19/95 - A19


The study is 15 years old, hardly applicable any more.
 kissmyasthma
Joined: 12/4/2009
Msg: 19
full custody and how?
Posted: 4/25/2010 1:02:01 PM
Yeah since then the divorce rate went up as well as the number of births to unwed moms that must have increased the number of single fathers quite a bit. Sure.

We don't want to bring up the increase of violence in young women or the fact that 15 more years into the urbanization of our population that gang memberships have risen too.

just sayin'
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 20
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History
full custody and how?
Posted: 4/26/2010 4:42:09 AM
"The study is 15 years old, hardly applicable any more."

Like I said there are lots of studies done on this not just the link I provided. The fact is children from single father homes tend to do better and mothers that do not have custody are much more likely to be dead-beats. Here are more links for you and one is from 2009. But you will see the numbers still say the same thing.

Recently, Ann Coulter brought up a good point in her new book. She stated single mothers bear most of the blame for the deteroriation of society — because most violent criminals, drug dealers, drug addicts, and prostitutes were raised by single mothers. She cites the facts that the overwhelming majority of people in prison (over 75%) were raised by single mothers.
http://beasingleparent.com/270/are-single-fathers-better-parents-than-single-mothers/
And the fact is, statistics show that there is little difference between the incarceration rates of people raised by single fathers and the incarceration rates of people raised by both parents. However, there is a stark contrast between prisoners raised by both
parents and prisoners raised by a single mother. An overwhelmingly higher percentage of "troubled youth" are raised by single mothers.

The percentage of "deadbeat" moms is actually higher than that of dads who won't pay, even though mothers are more consistently awarded custody of children by the courts.
Census figures show only 57 percent of moms required to pay child support -- 385,000 women out of a total of 674,000 -- give up some or all of the money they owe. That leaves some 289,000 "deadbeat" mothers out there, a fact that has barely been reported in the media. That compares with 68 percent of dads who pay up, according to the figures.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,59963,00.html

Fathers more likely to pay support if ordered then mothers (fact). Statistics show that there is little difference between the incarceration rates of people raised by single fathers and the incarceration rates of people raised by both parents (fact). Fathers do in fact have the numbers on their side.

"Could it be that there are fewer single dads to take statistics from and more single mothers and why single mothers don't fare so well in these studies because there is a larger sampling." Not a math major were you lol. There are over 2,500,000 single father headed households in the USA to draw data from and the data shows children raised by single fathers less likely to go to jail, in fact it is close to the number of two parented homes. The right wingers out there don't like this; they like pointing out when single parent homes fail, but they really don't like the idea that single fathers tend to do it well or nearly as good as two parent homes, even with out the same support that single mothers get. The left wingers don't like the dada, because it shows single moms in a bad light. So both the left and the right hate the facts; glade I am not on the left or the right and am just a parent.

"So you have to go out of your way to prove that your the better parent then your ex?" May be it is "the men can't do it as well" voices that is why some men push harder or may be it is because men have a nut sack that they do it better, but if the end result is kids raised by single fathers are less likely to go to jail and more likely to stay in school, who cares why it happens, keeping kids in school out of jail all good things if you ask me.

 myblueshadow
Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 21
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History
full custody and how?
Posted: 4/26/2010 7:57:48 AM
It's interesting that people have an issue with a stufdy that was done 15 years ago, but fail to realize that our entire child support and custody structure is based on a book that was published in 1985, and was subsequently found to have terrible flaws in it's math.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 22
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History
full custody and how?
Posted: 4/27/2010 9:24:53 AM
Not being a man either, I filed all of the paperwork to get custody of my son, had a 2" stack of documents in front of me, arranged for the middle school principal and vice principal to testify in our behalf. We retained an attorney to represent us in court, asking the questions, etc.

We were awarded custody because the boy had failed school for three years in a row, got into trouble at school, during the interim period the judge gave him to get his act together before he made a decision he was kicked off the bus, etc. It was patently obvious that his mother who showed up with an attorney and one sheet of notebook paper wasn't raising my stepson.

When we reconvened, she told the judge that he didn't get serious about what the judge said until the week before the hearing (he was given 6 weeks). The judge told her his father could have a crack at him because the next time he was going to be in court wouldn't be family court if he stayed with his mother.

Generally speaking, I think there is still a bigger onus of proof for a man to make allegations that the mother is unfit versus a father being viewed similarly. In most cases, men get custody because they have money or because the ex is a dirtbag or someone more than willing to walk away.

As for the little study about single-headed households, the issue is poverty, not the presence of two parents in a home.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 23
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History
full custody and how?
Posted: 4/27/2010 10:02:21 AM
"As for the little study about single-headed households, the issue is poverty, not the presence of two parents in a home. " More to it then that but poverty is a big part of it.

When we look at custody and how and why fathers tend to do so poorly in court compared to mothers (when the data shows fathers that get custody tend to do it better then single mothers), one might ask what can we do to make things better for the kids. To do this I think you fist have to ask the questions that some of the other post have asked in an attempts to say single fathers don't do it as good or that the data about single fathers is flawed. But the fact is today in the USA single fathers do do it better (at least statistically) and that is supported by the data, but before you start up with the all things are not equal, I will add a big yes, all things are not equal, this is true. I also want to say (again) I think women can and often time do as good a job as men do in bring up children; it is just as a group and the way things are now they do not.

So the question should be why do single fathers do better. What do we know about single fathers, that makes their kids less likely to end up in jail then a child picked at random and far less likely then a child from a single mother headed home and what can be done to make things better for the children. Please don't get offended because these are the facts and looking at the facts is all ways a good place to start before coming up with ideas.
Single fathers are more educated then the population over all and are far more educated then is the average single mother. Single fathers more likely to be white with white children then single mothers or their children. Single fathers are older then are most single mothers. Single fathers more likely to be divorced and less likely to have never been married then are single mothers. Single fathers are more likely to be employed then are single mothers. Single fathers are less likely to need public help then are single mothers. Single fathers are less likely to live in poverty then are single mothers. There is a down side for single fathers also, they are far less likely then single mothers to get support payments from the none custodial parent then are single mothers.
Now I don't think as a group single fathers need to feel bad about any of the things listed above other then not getting the support from the mothers, because that could even increase the quality of life for the children in single father headed households. But because of how poorly men do in court some men give up on support to get the kids without a fight.

So what can women and men to take from this? Education is good. If the parent has finished college the children from these homes do better then homes were a parent did not and the same is true for high school. Finish school before having kids. If you did not, you started off very very badly statistically (it is never to late, but it will be harder on you to do this as a single parent). If you had kids without having first gotten your education your kids are more likely to fail.
Race, it is what it is, living in a predominantly minority area has a statistically relevant impact on children, even when all other things are equal. Living in a more diversified area is better for kids then living in areas like that or going to predominantly minority schools. Move if you need to.
Kids born to a teenage parent statistically get the short end of the stick and the parents were likely never married. Wait till your older with a job, if your young and not married, abort if the birth control failed, but don't have kids, your not ready.
Full time employed parents make more money then parents that are not employed or not employed full time. Single parents working and having a job is good for the kids. Single parent not working full time is why some kids live in poverty. Get a job.

It is clear that if courts looked more at education, job skills and income, the ability to work full time before awarding custody more fathers would be getting primary custody. This too would statistically improve the quality of life for lots of children. Now I know statistics do not tell the whole story here. I know there are lots of fathers out there that want nothing to do with their children; I also know lots of women have children despite knowing this. Unless these women (like most single fathers) are more educated, have full time employment and better job potential, live in a safer area, they are to blame more then the father that did not want the child. Because they, unlike the father, can do something about it and brake the cycle of poverty.
Being better educated, having a good income, living in a safe area all will have a positive effect on children as will getting support from the ex. As a group men (single fathers) need to work on getting support from the ex more then they do. Courts need to become more fair so fathers will not have the same fear of going after support in the first place also.
As a group women (single mothers) need to work on a lot, most of it needs to happen before they have the children in the first place. As individuals some women and some men are doing it right all ready and their children get the benefits of this and some do not and their kids pay a price.
 My I
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 24
full custody and how?
Posted: 4/27/2010 6:48:28 PM

It is also interesting to me that men haven't realized that alot of women would be their best allies and support of a changing system... if they didn't continue demonstrating the sins their father's made that was responsible for the legislation 30 yrs ago

^^This coming from a poster who admitted she chose not to chase after child support. Who trained the deadbeat to be a successful deadbeat?
Maybe your mother's sins have rubbed off on you?

You certainly don't lack in self-promotion.
**Hands her a taller pedestal**
 myblueshadow
Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 25
view profile
History
full custody and how?
Posted: 4/28/2010 8:57:50 AM

It is also interesting to me that men haven't realized that alot of women would be their best allies and support of a changing system... if they didn't continue demonstrating the sins their father's made that was responsible for the legislation 30 yrs ago


First, I am a woman. Second, the issue is that the research was faulty. Men didn't commit these atrocities that were published. The author, a woman, admitted many years later that she had made a mistake in the math!
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