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 jesscarmen4
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 1
Did I ruin it?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
The story behind this is pretty lengthy, bear with me please :)

What makes a guy change his mind about a girl, as far as dating goes?I'm just really confused by my current situation. The short version of it all is that the guy I am talking to decided to move to another state and asked me to move in with him and he said we'd be exclusive (if I were to move in). Well he's already moved as of December and here it is almost May and what do you know...I'm still single & haven't moved! Everything was going smooth in my opinion...every day he's been telling me how much he misses me, told me he 'brags to all his friends about me', that he 'needs me in his life', that he 'thinks about me non-stop', that he can't wait for me to move in, etc. He even went so far as to have his siblings and family add me on facebook and when I asked why, he said "cuz you're family!" Just little things like that.

The kicker...is that he hasn't officially asked me out yet! It seems he likes to refer to me as 'his girl' when the timing or situation suits HIM. Example? When a guy friend commented on my facebook that he was looking forward to seeing me and left me a compliment, my guy got all offended and said 'well obviously you haven't told him about ME if he is leaving comments like that!" wtf? Also, the other day he made the comment , "Anything for my girl ;)" when I had thanked him for helping me with something. Another example: two weeks ago he called. Majority of the conversation was him saying how much he missed me, promised me that in '3 or 4 months when his apartment is ready, etc' that I can move in. *which I think is fishy cuz really, 3 to 4 MONTHS? He's been there for almost 6 months already!* Then he proceeded to say how he feels like I don't text him as much anymore. When I said it was because I knew he was at work and didn't want to bother him, he said that he still likes when I text even if he can't get back to me right away. Basically my point is that he's really been all about me lately...

All the sudden, last week he texts me to say "Are we fading?" ?!??!? Ok I have NO idea where that came from! Totally left field! I thought we were doing GREAT, better than ever actually. So him saying that was like a stab in the heart. It's been a week since he said that, and when I responded I got really upset and over reacted because I had been drinking wine, so he tells me we'll 'have this convo when you're sober' and he ended it at that.

Ok, so five whole days pass by of him flat out ignoring all of my calls, texts , and picture texts. On the fourth day I send him a long email to explain my side, and I never get a response. The next day, which would've been this past Saturday, he FINALLY texts me to say hi. The most I get out of him is that he was really pissed off at how I 'over-reacted' towards him and says he 'feels sick to his stomach about it' and 'doesn't know what to do about the whole thing.' Ok, WTF IS GOING ON!? We were perfectly fine and all the sudden its a complete 180! Where is this doubt coming from? He's making like we had some huge blowout fight when it really wasn't that big of a deal, at least not for him to be acting the way he is over it.

So anyways, today I tried to get him to open up about it and his response was that he just doesn't want to talk about it cuz it puts him in a bad mood. Then I asked if he wanted to talk about the part where he felt we were 'fading', he said 'not right now'. Ok, once again, WTF? How the hell am I supposed to know where we stand or how he feel towards me if he doesn't want to talk about it?!

So to sum it up, now he's being distant, wishy washy, doubtful, unsure ...I have no idea what he feels for me cuz I'm too scared to say anything more about it until he brings it up, especially since I've already laid my cards out in that email. Another thing I wanted to mention is that several times now, he has compared our disagreements to things he argued over with his ex and always says 'it freaks me out' or 'reminds him of a bad relationship' and he pulls away. Then I spend the next few days or weeks practically groveling and doing all the work to get us back to normal again.

At this point I really don't know what to think. I'm a firm believer of actions speak louder than words. However, I just don't understand what is going on in his head...how can he go from nearly professing his love to giving the cold shoulder? I know I'm rambling but it's late and I'm tired so be nice lol..
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 2
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/26/2010 1:20:04 AM
You are his plan "B"

Six months is a long time, not to have the apartment ready for you to move in.
Unless......
someone else is over there occuping his time.

He dissapears for 5 days then he acts surprised because you call him on his $hit?

He is playing you girl!

He is keeping you in the back burner, just in case whatever he has going on over there doesn't work out the way he wants it, or runs it course.

Then it'll be your turn to move in and keep him company.
If you move, you'll be in a precarious situation and you'll lose, your place, your friends, since you are moving away.

He has everything to gain, as opposed to you
and you'll pay half of his rent on top of everything, while you have the privilege to live with him. It sounds like it'll be temporary if you choose to go.
What do you see in him?
 jesscarmen4
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 3
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/26/2010 1:35:26 AM
Wow. There were some pointers in there that I do agree with. I agree with the part you said :

"It will be the move, stress, his job, school, his family, rushing into things. It will either be all "we" did this, or "this" happened, never really a specific "I" that is attributable to him so much as an "I" that is simply a roundabout "you." He's already doing it with the thing about the argument comparison with the ex."

....he does already do that. He will blame our arguments on 'well that reminded me of my last bad relationship and it freaked me out'. Also, he said 'things are so stressful' with us lately, whatever that means.

I do want to say this is not an internet relationship...I've actually known him for 3 years. He lived out of state when we first started talking but he moved to the area for 2 years, and when he moved in December , he moved back to the same place he was living before. He pursued me for a long time, but I always was sketchy about it because I wasn't ready for a relationship and didn't know him well enough to date him yet. Once I finally realized what I could have with him, he decides to move back. :/ just my luck.

This is part of the reason I'm so confused. It's like he wanted it before I did, he's wanted me this whole time, and all the sudden gets cold feet? It feels like hes MAKING up reasons to pull away. Like this stupid little argument we had. Trust me, I've been through worse arguments, it's nothing to break up over. Yet it seems he's willing to give up over something stupid when he says things like 'are we fading'...blah.
 jesscarmen4
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 4
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/26/2010 1:56:03 AM
forumfishie: That's what I've been dreading to hear. :( Although it very well could be a lie and probably is, he has volunteered information without me even ASKING....saying things like 'he hasn't gone on any dates or been intimate with anyone' since the last time we saw each other, which was the day before he moved. I'd like to believe that but who knows.

Another thing that he said was that he feels I "never give him the benefit of the doubt." Ok first of all, thats bs, cuz I do!! Of course he doesn't know about those times cuz I don't bring them up, hence, me giving the benefit of the doubt.

So, question is, what do I do now? If he IS just keeping me on the back burner then do I say something? Do I bring it up and say "Look, this is what I think is going on" and give an ultimatum to make a decision? Or do I just leave it alone til he brings us up again, and thats when I say what I think is going on?
 bestwomanever
Joined: 12/13/2005
Msg: 5
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/26/2010 2:24:14 AM
I agree with the poster that said he probably has something else going or, at the very least, is just stringing you along, but looking around in his state at the same time. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. Also, he just sounds extremely whiney, moody and plain annoying as hell. I know I couldn't stand to be with someone like that. I'd want to smack him all the time.
I live in Chicago before and I know the pickins are slim (since there are more girls than guys there), but it's better to not waste your time with a loser. I've learned that, if a guy isn't going to make things exclusive, there's no reason to wait around for him. He's keeping his options open, so you should do that same.
 jesscarmen4
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 6
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/26/2010 2:48:54 AM
bestwomanever: Agreed! I do get annoyed with the moodiness. It feels like the rules only apply to me and not him, and when I point out that something bothers me, well I better be prepared for a silent treatment. He doesn't even tell me right away when something bothers him! He'll give me the silent treatment or be real blunt and short with me. So then I usually stop getting ahold of him to give him space...which leads to him finally getting ahold of me and asking why I'm not talkin to him..*WTF?!* Either that or the next time we have a disagreement, he'll bring up something he was upset about but never bothered to tell me til the next argument! It's frustrating,annoying, and not my style of communication. I know everyone has different communication styles and thats great & all, but come ON. That is just ridiculous.
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 7
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/26/2010 2:52:51 AM
I wouldn't be moving anywhere for a guy that acts like him!

He sounds moody, pissy and he is just saying what you want to hear to keep you interested enough to still go with his schedule.
You won't even have a chance to squeeze in a little PMS, once a month, since he is the one suffering all the symptons, ALL THE TIME.

Right now, it's not a good time for him, you moving there, for whatever reason (woman).
Are you really buying his lies?
Do you really think it takes SIX MONTHS to get a place ready?
If he wanted you to live with him, you would be there already, even without furniture.

Listen, you are going to believe what you want to believe now.
Once that you are away from your place, school, job, friends and family and he starts acting pissy and moody, you are going to wish you never moved.
But maybe you would like to wait until that day comes.
 jesscarmen4
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 8
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/26/2010 3:16:35 AM
Ya know, personally I don't think it'd take 6 months to get 'settled' in a new place. On top of that, he said 'in 3 or 4 months' everything will be 'ready for me to move in'. Ok wtf...I could care less if the apartment was empty, if I'm moving in then it's about us moving in TOGETHER anyways, that means my shit too, so no need for him to completely furnish it or whatever.So I think its a bunch of crap. Question is, whyyyy would he string me along and bring up me moving in if he either a. had no intention of me moving in or b. has me on the back burner? I don't see what benefit he's getting out of that.
 DragNFlyBuzzez
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 9
view profile
History
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/26/2010 3:28:19 AM
OP, Did you ruin it? From what you wrote you are not getting what you want out of a relationship. Can it get better? Will this guy recognize what your needs and wants are and help you feel secure in your feelings? If you feel like your second fiddle, then you must be. Can everything be your fault?

If you think this person will change for the better once you move in, my opinion is people don't change that much. So, you uproot yourself and do all the compromising, what is he doing? It appears this relationship is one sided, If it was me I would be a bit apprehensive about uprooting myself for someone who does not fullfill my needs and wants. I would take a wait and see attitude.
Good luck
 MaccaFan
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 10
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/26/2010 3:44:39 AM
How long were you dating him, before he moved?
Sounds like he has found someone else, and is not man enough to tell you.
 jesscarmen4
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 11
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/26/2010 3:56:58 AM
We have known each other for almost 3 years now...but only been romantically involved for about a year. Thing is, it was because of me that we didn't become more at the time. I honestly had a wall up and didn't give him a chance right away because I was still hurting from the last relation-shit I'd be in. Seems like now that I'm in it to win it, he's getting cold feet.
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 12
view profile
History
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/26/2010 4:55:43 AM

The kicker...is that he hasn't officially asked me out yet!

My question is: Why would you even entertain the idea of moving in with someone you haven't even dated?
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 13
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/26/2010 6:46:29 AM

I'm a firm believer of actions speak louder than words.

Really? Then why are you not doing something based on his actions instead of what he tells you?
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 14
view profile
History
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/26/2010 7:23:34 AM
No, out of sight out of mind is what happened. He moved, talked a great story when he was lonely and was out looking for other women in his spare time.
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 15
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/26/2010 7:46:21 AM
Check her profile she is listed as single and looking for a man!?!?!?! If a person is to the point of moving to another state with someone shouldn't they be committed at that point?
Also the the guy doesn't seem to be in a hurry to get her out there. For the life of me I don't see a RELATIONSHIP here!!!!!
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 16
view profile
History
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/26/2010 8:50:11 AM
Never make someone a priority that only keeps you as an option.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 17
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/26/2010 9:01:17 AM

I have no idea what he feels for me cuz I'm too scared to say anything more about it until he brings it up, especially since I've already laid my cards out in that email.


There is no way you should be SCARED of someone who supposedly loves you and had wanted you to move in with him. Don't think for one minute things will be different if you were to move in.

How about picking up the phone and straighting all this out vs. emailing/texting???
 mr.evil
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 18
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/26/2010 9:13:18 AM
Oh Gawd, WAKE UP!!!!

Another happy episode of "as the stomach turns!"

Your NOT in a relationship, from your OP and your subsequent posts, you never were. 3 years, you held back for a chunk of that, were involved a brief bit, haven't seen the guy in 6 months, and have a profile with hawt pics looking for guy friends with no mention of this guy. WHO ARE YOU KIDDING?

At best you are partial friends, FWB's, pen or phone pals, who spend hours talking about some dream world in text, emails or phone calls all to NO end!

To him you were some imagined something. Life ring connection from where he moved from. All he provides are endless excuses, and blame, weird interactions based on social networking sites and nothing as far as IRL goes.

Do you actually mean to tell me, there was no way for him to travel to you at least ONCE in 6 months? For that matter are you so occupied with your current life that you couldn't have made it to him in that same period? Puulllleazze!

Time for you both to drop the charade, grow up and smell the coffee. THERE AIN'T NOTHIN THERE, MOVE ON!!!
 jesscarmen4
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 19
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/26/2010 2:52:15 PM
pitufina_77 : There's only one thing I disagree with in your post...and it's the part where you said I might be high-maintenance and expecting 'a diamond ring' etc....that is not the case. Also, I don't expect him to furnish everything and pay for everything, that is what I have told him all along. I do have a job I'd be able to take if I were to move there so that isn't an issue.

I KNOW there are hundreds of other girls down there and that he keeps choosing me, I guess I never looked at it that way before...that he keeps choosing me. BUT...VERBALLY...choosing me. That's the issue. He can talk all about it but he hasn't taken an actual step by making us official or setting some kind of date for moving...it's all been 'in the future we could' type of thing. '3 or 4 months down the line'...etc...just feels like he is putting it off, and that's what is bothering me. Maybe it's just me but knowing that we are official would make me feel a heck of a lot better, my doubts would go away and I'd be able to trust things will happen. But since at this point he hasn't made it official, and he is so far away, and there are other girls down there, YEAH, I'm worried, I'm panicking. The hard part is trying not to let it show.
 jesscarmen4
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 20
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/26/2010 3:07:27 PM
carolann0308: First I wanna say, I always love reading what you have to say! :) Secondly,...I totally agree with you! As a matter of fact, he has even TOLD me in the past, when he still lived in the area, that same sort of phrase. He said when he's with me he feels 'happy to be with me, everything feels right' etc,...but when we are apart he's not sure. IDK what makes him not sure but that's what he said in the past. So I've offered to fly down even if it's for a day to have this conversation with him, and hope that seeing me again will give him whatever affirmation he's looking for, but he never responded to that. It was in a voicemail I left him after the argument so I don't know if he thought I was blowing smoke or what.
 jesscarmen4
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 21
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/26/2010 3:14:57 PM
Urban_candy: That was definitely something that concerned me. I even brought that to HIS attention, saying that I think we should spend more time together first. But that's really hard when you live in different states now :/. Maybe that's what he thought, that I'd never really act on it..but that's stupid cuz what would be the point of him repeatedly saying it all if he didn't want it or meant it?
 desert rat 2010
Joined: 12/11/2009
Msg: 22
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/26/2010 6:56:41 PM
You're only 25! Get rid of the idiot and move on, you have your whole life ahead of you!
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 23
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/27/2010 1:32:18 PM
This isn't sudden, it's been going on for months. First, you were never exclusive, apparently. So it wasn't a serious involvement from the get-go. Then, he asked you to move in with him, and be exclusive then, but neither of you ever took any action on it. The two of you have been drifting further apart ever since - naturally - because you both decided not to take the next step after all.

This has been over for quite a while. I'm not sure why you're trying to hang on to it because it doesn't look like you're getting anything out of it except miserable. You do know how he feels about you... in your words, "distant, wishy washy, doubtful, unsure." Surely you can do better than that.
 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 24
view profile
History
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/27/2010 1:54:18 PM
Wow. Just wow.
He puts you off for "three to four"months and you think you
ruined it. Wow. Just wow.

When a man wants to be with you- he moves montains. He
doesn't make the bed for fear of wasting time to
be with you.

Get it yet? Those actions he is displaying- you know,the ones
that you are ignoring over his WORDS- believe them.

Stop wasting your time and your breath. The guy either has
something else going on or just does not want the commitment.

Hell, if I lived far away and was chatting you UP- I would lead
you on too because you Are that pretty to have around.

Remember one thing in life
if nothing else- when a man
wants you- he will move mountains. Period.

Forget this guy.
 REDDRAGON.
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 25
Did I ruin it?
Posted: 4/27/2010 3:52:29 PM

Im not sure what you think you ruined? but it sounds like he did you a favor, if you were smart you would of relegated this hump to the past tense.

I agree with Curlygrl on this one


she's trying to save him.


he keeps spinning his tortured past in the hopes his self loathing will actually get him some where with her.
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