Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Blk_Archangel7
Joined: 12/21/2007
Msg: 1
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Compulsive hoarding (or pathological hoarding or disposophobia[1] or the Messie mindset) is a mental disorder marked by an obsessive need to acquire (and failure to use or discard) a significant amount of possessions, even if the items are worthless, hazardous, or unsanitary. Compulsive hoarding causes significant clutter and impairment to basic living activities, including mobility, cooking, cleaning, showering, and sleeping. A person who engages in compulsive hoarding is commonly said to be a "pack rat," in reference to that animal's apparent fondness for material objects.

Has anyone ever been in a relationship with someone that just collects junk, and old useless stuff to where it effects the relationship? Was anyone here ever put in a hoarding situation? Did the spouse or you change the hoarding ways or go thru counseling to get help?
 TawktoMe
Joined: 1/27/2008
Msg: 2
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/27/2010 4:35:05 PM
No, but it must be god awful. I've been in a relationship with a clepto, a whino, a camera happy person (that must take a picture of every moment that ever occurs and shows you 3 thick photo albums that cover the last 2 weeks) but never a hoarder.
 Abbicci
Joined: 11/17/2008
Msg: 3
view profile
History
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/27/2010 4:35:59 PM
I've never been in a romantic relationship with a hoarder but I do have a friend in treatment for it. I did ask him if it was Okay if I shared his experience here.

He tried for years to get it under control and just felt so overwhelmed by it that he finally got treatment. It was isolating and a constant level of depression that almost made him suicidal. He felt trapped and owned by his possesions and it would cause him severe anxiety if he ever tried to get rid of anything.

It was so isolating he spent most of his time alone at home, surrounded by his stuff.When he did date, he could never bring them back to his place. One woman finally insisted and when she saw it she told him our external lives( homes) are an indicator of our internal lives. She told him to get real, professional help or she would end the relationship.

After his divorce, from his first wife, he bought a huge house in part because his first wife always controlled the clutter.She would pack up all of his crap into boxes and stack them up in the basement, the attic and the garage until there was no more room. She hit her breaking point and left him. He wanted a huge house for all of his crap. It really came home to him when going through stuff that he was opening boxes that his ex wife had packed over ten years earlier, while they were still married, and he didn't even know what was in the boxes.

He had a beautiful old home that he had restored before he moved in. As soon as he moved in the junk grew into every room. In some rooms the stuff was piled to the ceiling. He had a 12 room house filled, a three car garage and two huge workshops on the property filled with crap. It took him a year of weekly therapy and working with a personal organizer twice a week to clean out all the crap.

There was a happy ending. The girlfriend who insisted on therapy married him about a year after he got the house cleaned up. He still has to work on it all the time. He says he will always be a hoarder, but that doesn't mean he has to hoard. Pretty much like any recovering addict.
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/27/2010 5:15:13 PM
i had a good friend who's a hoarder. her apartment filled up with crap until there were just little aisles snaking here and there. she lost her job and ran out of money, but she was so paralyzed by all her stuff that she waited until after getting the eviction notice to call friends to help her move. we got it done but she was crying the whole time and trying to secretly fish stuff out of the dumpsters and bring it back, like old worthless fake plants and such.

when she saw it she told him our external lives( homes) are an indicator of our internal lives.

yep. the chaos outside reflected the chaos inside.
 Nu2010
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 5
view profile
History
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/27/2010 5:54:38 PM
I have dated a hoarder briefly. At the time I didn't know and he kept the living and bedroom tidy. The area in question was the garage piled high to the ceiling and you had to walk through a path. The basement you had to walk through an organized path to get to the washer and dryer. The spare bedrooms were also piled high with stuff he would buy thinking he would sell and make a bundle of money.
 ManicMelanie
Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/27/2010 7:52:19 PM

I'm a pack rat. If it's clearly a huge bargain, I buy it. If it's of value, I keep it (at least for awhile). I love to buy things cheap, then sell them for much more (or keep them).

(I recently bought a brand new 2-piece linen dress for my daughters wedding, with the price tags still on it. It was originally $129. I got it at a thrift store for $1. Yup. Only 1 dollar.)

Solution to my "problem"? Ebay, Amazon and recycling !

Now my place is neat, clean and tidy (I'm a bit of a perfectionist. Just had lots of stuff.) I have an online business that I sell a lot of the "treasures" on and am starting to get into the commercial end of the recycling business, too.



 *topchef*
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 7
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/27/2010 7:57:19 PM
No....but his mother was (is). And he lived with her. Double whammy. Is there a prize?
 dawn1114
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/27/2010 8:36:24 PM
My partner was what I would have considered a pack-rat until I recently saw a couple of episodes of that "Hoarder" TV program. Seeing these stories makes me realize he was on the very low end of the scale. His mother was closer to (but not quite on the level) of the people depicted on that show. Her children had a tough few months when she was obviously headed for a nursing home and they had to organize her possessions.

It was an odd coupling with my guy, because I'm a bit of a minimalist. We compromised over the years and the majority of the house was a bit more cluttered than I would have had things, and a bit more sparse than he would have had things. We each had areas that were our very own, though. Mine were empty and serene. His were jam-packed and chaotic.

Which was all fine and dandy until he died, and I didn't want to live in our house anymore.

I had to empty a very big basement full of stuff and his room (we had a shared bedroom and each had one of the other bedrooms as our own "space"). It was distressing and strange to look at some of the things he kept. Clean but threadbare old socks and underwear that must have been decades old, stowed in dufflebags. A great pile of old clothing and shoes. Reams of paper, including 20-year-old grocery store receipts and calendars and such. Piles of worthless plastic giveaway do-dabs from businesses and eateries. Hundreds of ball caps and hats. Hundreds of logo tee-shirts and sweatshirts. The ridiculous part was he didn't wear most of this stuff (except for some of the caps and hats), because he was quite meticulous that way - he had a smallish wardrobe of very good quality clothing that he wore in real life. But for some reason, he couldn't resist a free tee or sweatshirt and couldn't part with them, even if he wouldn't wear them.

There were also some valuable things - watches, jewelry, tools, even an envelop with quite a bit of money in it - buried amongst the crap. Whoo! Whoo!

Oh, man. I did a lot of crying and even some laughing doing that clear-out. It made selling the house a lot easier in the end. It was sort of a cleansing of my sentimental attachment to it because of the happy times I'd had there. I was glad to leave with my small truckload of furniture and possessions.
 gonewalkabout2
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 9
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/27/2010 8:40:43 PM
In older people and some of their children their past(came from a very poor background) has something to do with this behaviour. So I get it when they like this.

No, never, because most horders are messy, and their stuff accumulates dust. Yuck, not a fan of clutter
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 10
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/27/2010 8:52:22 PM
I went out with a guy for two months.
Every time I saw him he would be wearing a suit and tie, even on the weekends.
I teased him by saying " so you don't own a pair of sneakers, do you?"
Finally he invited me to come to his place , he said he had to "show" me something, his sister lives with him.
It's a lovely house in a nice neighborhood.
When he opens the door, a little bit, he says, go ahead
I could hardly go in, there were unopened UPS and Federal Express boxes and envelopes stacked up EVERYWHERE.

I asked him if he worked out of his home, thinking he had to be using this room to store work related packages.
He said no, I just buy a lot of things on the internet and then I forget to open the packages.
We couldn't even find the sofa
or
the kitchen
and when I said I need to use the bathroom (I don;t know what I was thinking) it was full to the ceiling with rolls of toilet paper and soap, there was no way to get to the sink.
When I came out he asked me if I was up to dealing with "it"
I said I wasn't a professional
Too bad, he seemed so "normal"
 Worbug
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 11
view profile
History
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/27/2010 9:00:19 PM
That would definitely be a deal breaker for me. I run a tidy ship. If I run across something thatI have not touched in a while, it is disposed of, one way or another. I cannot not stand clutter one iota, everything has a place, and everything is in its place. I could go through my house or my work van blindfolded and find anything directly.

I guess I am the opposite of a hoarded. Sometimes I tend to place to little value on some things and disgard.

I do however no people who will not cut loose with anything. My one friend is so bad, he not only keeps everything, he will collect stuff from dumpsters and things people toss out in the alley. The really sad part is, he knew exactly what he had. I was doing a rehab job on his building and there was so much crap, it was hard to work, I started tossing stuff that was clearly of no use and no value. He had a conniption fit. I still kept doing it (LOL).

Once I was talking with him, he told me he had 7 brothers and sisters and the always took his things and had to always hide his stuff growing up.

I changed him a little, and got the building faily cleaned out. But, I would be willing to bet money, if I visited him now, the building is probably bulging at the sides again.
 _Icon_
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 12
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/27/2010 11:20:47 PM
Yep, it was part of what destroyed my marriage. I could never invite anyone over, we argued all the time about it. His thing was computer parts and unlabeled CDs. Once I asked him "Do we really need a dozen 5 inch floppy drives? What are you planning to DO with them?" He never had an answer.

I used to tell my husband that he was like a sun in the center of his own solar system complete with planets, moons and meteor belts that orbited around him. When he sat down, he lost gravity and all the objects orbiting around him would hit the floor.

I'm very zenlike with my stuff and if I havent used it in a year, im not going to. It either gets recycled, donated or trashed. I don't even leave my toaster out on the kitchen counter. I like the counter to be free of any clutter. I was already like this a bit before my marriage but now I am even moreso.

The only clutter I deal with now is the ever present pile of papers on my desk. My friends are now welcome to come visit me and I dont hit my shins on piles of crap on my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
 pitufina_77
Joined: 8/13/2009
Msg: 13
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 12:53:59 AM
Well, it wasn't as bad, but my ex would just keep everything "just in case". On top of that, any improvements to the house would have to be "removable", in case "we needed to take it off to get to something". The house was cluttered. I was the one who had to remove stuff left from his previous girfriend...

We benefited from charity bags for clothes and shoes, but computers, books, old school and university notes, old tools, things that didn't work... the house was full, the loft was full, the garage was full of odd pieces of wood (just in case)...

As in England they have carpets everywhere, it was difficult to keep the place clean, because hoovering a room would imply a good deal of time moving stuff to be able to access all corners.

It was depressing and, when we split up, I had a small chance to keep the house, and I was already making plans for a skip (or two) and just get rid of stuff...

I've been through three major moves since the split, so I have got rid of an awful lot of things. I have limited space now and, although I would need another bookshelf, I don't have where to put it, so I try to move stuff around that I don't need...

Much healthier for me...
 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 14
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 6:58:12 AM
well I can understand the mentality of this ... though I don't hoard useless things ..I do have the reluctance to trow anything away that I see of value ...my garage does tend to get cluttered till I finally break down and go on a cleaning spree ... but then usually within a week I find a use for something I threw away ...and regret it ... the one compulsion I do have is for gifts ... I almost never use anything anyone gives me .. I have closets for just gifts ... its like there is more sentimental value on a gift ...so it stays in the box and I have even bought one of the same thing to use but I keep the one that someone gave me unused ...eventually I do force myself to use a gift ...but it goes against my nature ...I do go through my treasure of gifts from time to time and remember who gave them to me and when ... I have gifts that are 35 years old put back in the original package sometimes even in the original gift wrapping ...unused ....some of the Items probably have much more value than when they were bought just because they are old and in mint condition but I could never sell them.... my family says I'm crazy ...but they keep their hands off my gifts ...Is this a compulsion that others could put up with ???? just asking
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 15
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 7:41:11 AM
Yes and it was absolutely hideous. He kept EVERYTHING. I mean, seriously, he had about 20 years of Wal-Mart receipts! I realized there was an issue when I first walked into his house -- and he did tell me it was "messy". My God -- that was an understatement. Stacks of newspapers, years and years worth of mail on the kitchen table. And he probably had enough silverware and plates to throw a dinner for the entire state!

The relationship imploded when I threw out all the newspapers and he became totally unhinged and irrational. I didn't realize at the time that it was a mental condition, but I did realize there was no way I could live like that.

I'm the type of person who cleans out my closet every 6 months. If I haven't worn it, out it goes.
 Arpeggia
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 16
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 8:05:58 AM
Hi OP, I was married to a horder. I dealt with this situation by leaving him. We are still friends and I stay with him from time to time while my house is under renovation but I sit in one chair at his house only... a dining room chair at the table with my laptop. He has stuff piled high and if I move one paper then I must have thrown it and anything else he can not find for months away.

Cleaning is not a common thing other then the nightly dishes and our daughter has told him she will not bring her baby to his house when she comes back home for a visit. It is a huge stress factor for the kids when they are here because they want to visit but he will not move things off of tables or beds for them. It is not a very comfortable environment for anyone to live in. Good luck with your situation.

Arpeggia
 Samantha44
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 17
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 8:13:20 AM
It most definately would be a deal breaker for me I wouldn't class myself as a neat freak but everything is in its place if I have no use for it out it goes. I understand this is a mental condition and have watched to show Hoarders in amazement....I could never live like that and would never be involved with anyone who could......

How bad does it have to get to impose an intervention this desease is not different than being a raging alcoholic or anorexic.
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 8:17:36 AM

Has anyone ever been in a relationship with someone that just collects junk, and old useless stuff to where it effects the relationship?

I came close... I lived with a woman who eventually became one. The signs were there even when she was young, but they weren't as obvious. Now at middle age, she has stuff in storage units that in total is not worth the monthly rent on them... No one will help her move again because it's a living hell to try to get her to discard things. Old newspapers, ("I want to read those"), She has all the kids clothes, toys, cribs, etc... (Her kids are in the late teens early 20's), Bags, and bags of clothing that she will never fit into again.... , Garbage ("I'm going to recycle that")
Fortunately, last I heard she was getting professional help and there had been an improvement.....
 rickxyz
Joined: 1/27/2009
Msg: 19
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 8:19:37 AM
Got divorced because of this...she would even take popcorn boxes out of the trash to save them for I don't know what....after awhile I realized the house I was paying for wasn't my house anymore, the garage I loved working in became a dump, no amount of reasoning, communication or yelling could stop it....never never, never ever never never again will I associate with anyone like this.
 LACali
Joined: 4/14/2010
Msg: 20
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 8:19:41 AM

I'm the type of person who cleans out my closet every 6 months. If I haven't worn it, out it goes.

Yeah, me too. Part of it is my spiritual beliefs (I adopted Buddhists philosophy at the age of 16 and I still live my life according to much of it) and choosing not to overconsume. There are many people out there who need things so I feel that donating goods to charity/organizations is helping them as well. I understand hoarding is a mental illness but it repulses me and I would never be in a relationship with someone who did that.
 sleeping beauty
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 21
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 11:17:40 AM
blk archangel,
its a fear disorder. they don't trust that they will be provided for. if you know anyone still alive that made it thru WW2, many became hoarders to varing degrees. they did without essentials and it was very very scary for them, even 50 years later.

hoarding is sort of the opposite of buddhism which teaches non-attachment. their cars are heading in the wrong direction.
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 22
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 11:27:52 AM
My ex Mother in law is a hoarder - as was her mother before her. Her brother lived with their mother until she died. When he passed away the house (a small Cape Cod) was so full of junk, it has been over 5 years, and she and her (other) brother have yet to clear it out completely - so they pay the taxes on the property - just to house all that junk, because she is terrified of tossing something 'of value'! I'd have burned the place to the ground before I'd ever have even set foot in it! The ex Mother in Law still has baby clothes from her children, as well as her grandchildren! The house my ex grew up in was so packed with junk - and they took such terrible care of it - half the stuff was moldy, but she still wouldn't part with any of it.
The woman has severe control issues to boot. The entire family put the 'D' in Dyfunction! Never again!
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 23
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 11:43:28 AM
No, I haven't. However, if I ever did meet someone like this I'd run for the hills!!!

I saw a documentary on this condition, and it's pretty sad. People have lost their S.O.'s, gotten evicted, and just live in chaos!

Sad.........
 Irish Eyez
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 24
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 11:48:04 AM
No, but my sister-in-law is just 'beyond the edge' of being a hoarder. It's incredible clutter in her home and she won't part with anything. She will simply move one pile from one area to another; that's as far as it goes.

Me; my favourite word is 'edit.'
 Blk_Archangel7
Joined: 12/21/2007
Msg: 25
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 1:48:10 PM
Thank you for your input everyone,
I was in a situation with someone like this till I took a stand and had enough and left the situation. It's in that person's hands to take responsibility for their mess.
It does get frustrating, I'm glad I'm out of the situation all together. After dealing with this person long enough I stopped tolerating their hoarding behavior and got rid of all contact cuz it was way stressful to deal with. Even when I tired getting rid of things, it would pile all back up 2 days later, we even got into a fuffle and I yanked the worthless item out of her hand and threw it out and boy did she lose it when I started throwing things out purposely, just to get rid of the clutter.

Hoarders want to be in control of there clutter but they know they can't handle it alone, they need people to help get rid of the mess, but it's like a contradiction when you try and help they WON'T let you throw it out. They want your help but they DON'T want you to get rid it unless they go thorough the junk (and most likely they are going to be keeping it). No matter how hard you try it's never enough so I got myself out of the situation.

The place where I'm living at is neat and tidy, the kitchen is CLUTTER FREE, nothing absolutely nothing on the counters accept a pen, paper and phone. The living has it's stack of magazines neatly piled up in a basket and dvds are put in there place.

My room is completely clean everything has it's place no junk lying around. The bed is made up of clean sheets and the comforters are washed occasionally, the carpet floor is vacuumed daily. Clothes are hung up, The only thing I have to deal with is things in the wardrobe closet in there sorting out things that I will use (most likely everything in the closet will be used and things that will go away for donations like shoes I don't wear so much and electronics that I don't use anymore.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?