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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?      Home login  
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 Blk_Archangel7
Joined: 12/21/2007
Msg: 1
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Compulsive hoarding (or pathological hoarding or disposophobia[1] or the Messie mindset) is a mental disorder marked by an obsessive need to acquire (and failure to use or discard) a significant amount of possessions, even if the items are worthless, hazardous, or unsanitary. Compulsive hoarding causes significant clutter and impairment to basic living activities, including mobility, cooking, cleaning, showering, and sleeping. A person who engages in compulsive hoarding is commonly said to be a "pack rat," in reference to that animal's apparent fondness for material objects.

Has anyone ever been in a relationship with someone that just collects junk, and old useless stuff to where it effects the relationship? Was anyone here ever put in a hoarding situation? Did the spouse or you change the hoarding ways or go thru counseling to get help?
 TawktoMe
Joined: 1/27/2008
Msg: 2
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/27/2010 4:35:05 PM
No, but it must be god awful. I've been in a relationship with a clepto, a whino, a camera happy person (that must take a picture of every moment that ever occurs and shows you 3 thick photo albums that cover the last 2 weeks) but never a hoarder.
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/27/2010 5:15:13 PM
i had a good friend who's a hoarder. her apartment filled up with crap until there were just little aisles snaking here and there. she lost her job and ran out of money, but she was so paralyzed by all her stuff that she waited until after getting the eviction notice to call friends to help her move. we got it done but she was crying the whole time and trying to secretly fish stuff out of the dumpsters and bring it back, like old worthless fake plants and such.

when she saw it she told him our external lives( homes) are an indicator of our internal lives.

yep. the chaos outside reflected the chaos inside.
 *topchef*
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 4
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/27/2010 7:57:19 PM
No....but his mother was (is). And he lived with her. Double whammy. Is there a prize?
 gonewalkabout2
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 5
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/27/2010 8:40:43 PM
In older people and some of their children their past(came from a very poor background) has something to do with this behaviour. So I get it when they like this.

No, never, because most horders are messy, and their stuff accumulates dust. Yuck, not a fan of clutter
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 6
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/27/2010 8:52:22 PM
I went out with a guy for two months.
Every time I saw him he would be wearing a suit and tie, even on the weekends.
I teased him by saying " so you don't own a pair of sneakers, do you?"
Finally he invited me to come to his place , he said he had to "show" me something, his sister lives with him.
It's a lovely house in a nice neighborhood.
When he opens the door, a little bit, he says, go ahead
I could hardly go in, there were unopened UPS and Federal Express boxes and envelopes stacked up EVERYWHERE.

I asked him if he worked out of his home, thinking he had to be using this room to store work related packages.
He said no, I just buy a lot of things on the internet and then I forget to open the packages.
We couldn't even find the sofa
or
the kitchen
and when I said I need to use the bathroom (I don;t know what I was thinking) it was full to the ceiling with rolls of toilet paper and soap, there was no way to get to the sink.
When I came out he asked me if I was up to dealing with "it"
I said I wasn't a professional
Too bad, he seemed so "normal"
 Worbug
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 7
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Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/27/2010 9:00:19 PM
That would definitely be a deal breaker for me. I run a tidy ship. If I run across something thatI have not touched in a while, it is disposed of, one way or another. I cannot not stand clutter one iota, everything has a place, and everything is in its place. I could go through my house or my work van blindfolded and find anything directly.

I guess I am the opposite of a hoarded. Sometimes I tend to place to little value on some things and disgard.

I do however no people who will not cut loose with anything. My one friend is so bad, he not only keeps everything, he will collect stuff from dumpsters and things people toss out in the alley. The really sad part is, he knew exactly what he had. I was doing a rehab job on his building and there was so much crap, it was hard to work, I started tossing stuff that was clearly of no use and no value. He had a conniption fit. I still kept doing it (LOL).

Once I was talking with him, he told me he had 7 brothers and sisters and the always took his things and had to always hide his stuff growing up.

I changed him a little, and got the building faily cleaned out. But, I would be willing to bet money, if I visited him now, the building is probably bulging at the sides again.
 _Icon_
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 8
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/27/2010 11:20:47 PM
Yep, it was part of what destroyed my marriage. I could never invite anyone over, we argued all the time about it. His thing was computer parts and unlabeled CDs. Once I asked him "Do we really need a dozen 5 inch floppy drives? What are you planning to DO with them?" He never had an answer.

I used to tell my husband that he was like a sun in the center of his own solar system complete with planets, moons and meteor belts that orbited around him. When he sat down, he lost gravity and all the objects orbiting around him would hit the floor.

I'm very zenlike with my stuff and if I havent used it in a year, im not going to. It either gets recycled, donated or trashed. I don't even leave my toaster out on the kitchen counter. I like the counter to be free of any clutter. I was already like this a bit before my marriage but now I am even moreso.

The only clutter I deal with now is the ever present pile of papers on my desk. My friends are now welcome to come visit me and I dont hit my shins on piles of crap on my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 9
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 6:58:12 AM
well I can understand the mentality of this ... though I don't hoard useless things ..I do have the reluctance to trow anything away that I see of value ...my garage does tend to get cluttered till I finally break down and go on a cleaning spree ... but then usually within a week I find a use for something I threw away ...and regret it ... the one compulsion I do have is for gifts ... I almost never use anything anyone gives me .. I have closets for just gifts ... its like there is more sentimental value on a gift ...so it stays in the box and I have even bought one of the same thing to use but I keep the one that someone gave me unused ...eventually I do force myself to use a gift ...but it goes against my nature ...I do go through my treasure of gifts from time to time and remember who gave them to me and when ... I have gifts that are 35 years old put back in the original package sometimes even in the original gift wrapping ...unused ....some of the Items probably have much more value than when they were bought just because they are old and in mint condition but I could never sell them.... my family says I'm crazy ...but they keep their hands off my gifts ...Is this a compulsion that others could put up with ???? just asking
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 10
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 7:41:11 AM
Yes and it was absolutely hideous. He kept EVERYTHING. I mean, seriously, he had about 20 years of Wal-Mart receipts! I realized there was an issue when I first walked into his house -- and he did tell me it was "messy". My God -- that was an understatement. Stacks of newspapers, years and years worth of mail on the kitchen table. And he probably had enough silverware and plates to throw a dinner for the entire state!

The relationship imploded when I threw out all the newspapers and he became totally unhinged and irrational. I didn't realize at the time that it was a mental condition, but I did realize there was no way I could live like that.

I'm the type of person who cleans out my closet every 6 months. If I haven't worn it, out it goes.
 Arpeggia
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 11
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 8:05:58 AM
Hi OP, I was married to a horder. I dealt with this situation by leaving him. We are still friends and I stay with him from time to time while my house is under renovation but I sit in one chair at his house only... a dining room chair at the table with my laptop. He has stuff piled high and if I move one paper then I must have thrown it and anything else he can not find for months away.

Cleaning is not a common thing other then the nightly dishes and our daughter has told him she will not bring her baby to his house when she comes back home for a visit. It is a huge stress factor for the kids when they are here because they want to visit but he will not move things off of tables or beds for them. It is not a very comfortable environment for anyone to live in. Good luck with your situation.

Arpeggia
 Samantha44
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 12
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 8:13:20 AM
It most definately would be a deal breaker for me I wouldn't class myself as a neat freak but everything is in its place if I have no use for it out it goes. I understand this is a mental condition and have watched to show Hoarders in amazement....I could never live like that and would never be involved with anyone who could......

How bad does it have to get to impose an intervention this desease is not different than being a raging alcoholic or anorexic.
 rickxyz
Joined: 1/27/2009
Msg: 13
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 8:19:37 AM
Got divorced because of this...she would even take popcorn boxes out of the trash to save them for I don't know what....after awhile I realized the house I was paying for wasn't my house anymore, the garage I loved working in became a dump, no amount of reasoning, communication or yelling could stop it....never never, never ever never never again will I associate with anyone like this.
 LACali
Joined: 4/14/2010
Msg: 14
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 8:19:41 AM

I'm the type of person who cleans out my closet every 6 months. If I haven't worn it, out it goes.

Yeah, me too. Part of it is my spiritual beliefs (I adopted Buddhists philosophy at the age of 16 and I still live my life according to much of it) and choosing not to overconsume. There are many people out there who need things so I feel that donating goods to charity/organizations is helping them as well. I understand hoarding is a mental illness but it repulses me and I would never be in a relationship with someone who did that.
 sleeping beauty
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 15
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 11:17:40 AM
blk archangel,
its a fear disorder. they don't trust that they will be provided for. if you know anyone still alive that made it thru WW2, many became hoarders to varing degrees. they did without essentials and it was very very scary for them, even 50 years later.

hoarding is sort of the opposite of buddhism which teaches non-attachment. their cars are heading in the wrong direction.
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 16
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 11:27:52 AM
My ex Mother in law is a hoarder - as was her mother before her. Her brother lived with their mother until she died. When he passed away the house (a small Cape Cod) was so full of junk, it has been over 5 years, and she and her (other) brother have yet to clear it out completely - so they pay the taxes on the property - just to house all that junk, because she is terrified of tossing something 'of value'! I'd have burned the place to the ground before I'd ever have even set foot in it! The ex Mother in Law still has baby clothes from her children, as well as her grandchildren! The house my ex grew up in was so packed with junk - and they took such terrible care of it - half the stuff was moldy, but she still wouldn't part with any of it.
The woman has severe control issues to boot. The entire family put the 'D' in Dyfunction! Never again!
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 17
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 11:43:28 AM
No, I haven't. However, if I ever did meet someone like this I'd run for the hills!!!

I saw a documentary on this condition, and it's pretty sad. People have lost their S.O.'s, gotten evicted, and just live in chaos!

Sad.........
 Irish Eyez
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 18
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 11:48:04 AM
No, but my sister-in-law is just 'beyond the edge' of being a hoarder. It's incredible clutter in her home and she won't part with anything. She will simply move one pile from one area to another; that's as far as it goes.

Me; my favourite word is 'edit.'
 Blk_Archangel7
Joined: 12/21/2007
Msg: 19
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 1:48:10 PM
Thank you for your input everyone,
I was in a situation with someone like this till I took a stand and had enough and left the situation. It's in that person's hands to take responsibility for their mess.
It does get frustrating, I'm glad I'm out of the situation all together. After dealing with this person long enough I stopped tolerating their hoarding behavior and got rid of all contact cuz it was way stressful to deal with. Even when I tired getting rid of things, it would pile all back up 2 days later, we even got into a fuffle and I yanked the worthless item out of her hand and threw it out and boy did she lose it when I started throwing things out purposely, just to get rid of the clutter.

Hoarders want to be in control of there clutter but they know they can't handle it alone, they need people to help get rid of the mess, but it's like a contradiction when you try and help they WON'T let you throw it out. They want your help but they DON'T want you to get rid it unless they go thorough the junk (and most likely they are going to be keeping it). No matter how hard you try it's never enough so I got myself out of the situation.

The place where I'm living at is neat and tidy, the kitchen is CLUTTER FREE, nothing absolutely nothing on the counters accept a pen, paper and phone. The living has it's stack of magazines neatly piled up in a basket and dvds are put in there place.

My room is completely clean everything has it's place no junk lying around. The bed is made up of clean sheets and the comforters are washed occasionally, the carpet floor is vacuumed daily. Clothes are hung up, The only thing I have to deal with is things in the wardrobe closet in there sorting out things that I will use (most likely everything in the closet will be used and things that will go away for donations like shoes I don't wear so much and electronics that I don't use anymore.
 salamander000
Joined: 10/26/2004
Msg: 20
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Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 2:19:53 PM
oh bring me your hoarders! (what an awful word) Speaking in general these people , most that I have met, have absolutely great personalities..seem to me to be generous outgoing and giving, but of course I am over generalizing

I have a theory about cleaning, it's nothing more than (anal?) repressed sexual energy...

If I'd open a drawer where all the forks were aligned, I would leave the house immediately.
 Blk_Archangel7
Joined: 12/21/2007
Msg: 21
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 2:42:29 PM
LOL Salamander000,
some do have great personalities but it's the mess inside there minds as well as in there house or place of living that is just downright clutter battlefield. They need to sort themselves out first before they can sort out there mess.

I'm not anal neat freak about the house but there are certain areas within the house to me that MUST BE NEAT AT ALL TIMES.

* Bathroom (where people are going to coming to do there dropping the kids in the pond and spraying there golden showers in the tiolet)

* Living Room (the first place that people are going to see head on and the place where people are going to relax.)

* Kitchen ( Where everyone grabs there food and eats)

My room is clean but it still has a flaw which is the closet, not clutter just unorganized but I can still get to things in my closet without wiping out or tripping over something because the floor in the closet is clear of things.


I have a theory about cleaning, it's nothing more than (anal?) repressed sexual energy...

If I'd open a drawer where all the forks were aligned, I would leave the house immediately.


Are you serious? so are you saying that if someone bought a cutlery organizer that had everything aligned in it's place, you would leave? lol I'm not taking you seriously right now. Why would you leave immediately?
 Angelin77
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 22
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Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 4:06:15 PM
I was involved with this man who said his ex-wife was a packrat. I'm guessing she was a hoarder, but he didn't do anything to clean up either. We dated for quite some time actually - and he'd never allow me into his house cuz he was too embarrrassed saying he could get thru his house by pathways. His daughters were too embarrassed and wouldn't have their friends over either. When their boyfriends would come get them, the girls would make sure to be outside to meet them to keep them from coming in the house! I can let things pile up, but eventually start tossing.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 23
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 4/28/2010 5:19:01 PM
I can't even think with too much crap around. If somebody's a slob I won't tolerate it.
I'll watch some of the reality shows about hoarders and it motivates me out of fear to purge my storage area, pantry, etc. It just feels so good when things are clear and functional.
 Guitarman45
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 24
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 5/7/2010 8:40:43 AM
My ex(Daughter's Mother) has a disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder and associated with that comes Hoarding. This disorder is a very tough one to treat as they think nothing is wrong. After five years (3 of them I slept on the couch by my choice) I had to finally leave as this disorder can also manifest itself in the ones who live with the actual person that is suffering from it simply due to the frustration and anxiety of trying to understand the disease. If I am not mistaken this disorder is brought on by abuse and it isn't a genetically induced disease(My ex was sexually and physically abused by her Mother(use the term loosely) and two Uncles. I am in the process of getting my daughter out of a real bad situation, and to leave her was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. With this disorder comes abuse. I had to leave my little hero so I could fight for her(hard to explain). But back to the hoarding issue, hoarding is also a indication of more severe mental issues. I couldn't get her to let anything go, and I am a clean guy who lives within my means. My heart goes out to anyone who has had to live with this affliction. Sometimes leaving is the only answer if you want to claim your life and "space" back. I have been away from her for just over a year now and it has taken me that long to get back to being"Me" I hope everyone has a great "uncluttered day"...Vince
 Raspyrex!
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 25
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Hoarder?
Posted: 5/7/2010 2:08:53 PM
I think you are right it is partly an obsessive disorder. But partly I believe it stems from something that has happened during a childs life that has affected them and shows up later on as a hoarding dissorder. Be it growing up poor having nothing. Being abused in some way or simply having something taken away from them that gave them security. I have accumilated a lot of stuff through the years .The things I have a hard time getting rid of are the things that have senimental value for ,and since I am moving to a much smaller space I am forced to give most of it away. I find this a hard task but a task I must do.
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