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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Won't quit 'for me'      Home login  
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 damassteel
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 2
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Won't quit 'for me'Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Smoking is a bad habit, chewing worse. However, you can't tell people what to do. All she can do is continue to voice her disapproval and hope for the best. Refusing to kiss someone who smells and tastes of tobacco though is not unreasonable IMHO.
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 3
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Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 4/30/2010 9:29:31 AM
Hmm ... I wonder how long they dated before marrying? If they've been married only a year and he's suddenly started smoking/chewing, it makes me wonder if he was indulging prior but managed to hide it from her?

In any case, he's not the person she thought she was marrying. She'll have to decide if she can accept these changes or not. Marriage counselling may help, but smokers often require a pretty strong motivating reason to quit. Sometimes, imminent death isn't even enough.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 9
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Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 4/30/2010 11:02:52 AM
I agree with the OP, there really isn't any other options available. If it's as important as it seems to be to her, she has to decide first if she's willing to end the marriage if he wont quit. Professional counseling which they BOTH agree to is next (if he doesn't buy into the counseling completely, it's a waste of money). Then, if he still wont quit, divorce.
His needs, emotional state, coping requirements, personal choices etc have nothing to do with HER requirements about this. If she needs to be married to someone who has no tobacco habits, that's it. It doesn't matter whether her requirement is rational or not. If smoking were NOT unhealthy, or even good for you, and she couldn't stand it, that would STILL be the end of the discussion.
The same is true from his point of view. If he wants to continue his tobacco habit, for whatever reason, and she wont stand for it, HIS only logical choice is divorce.
This kind of thing has nothing to do with who is right and who is wrong, and nothing to do with what is good or bad for you. There is no such thing as an outside authority who can dictate what either or both of them must accept, or ought to accept. This is a fundamental compatibility case, open and shut.
 DragNFlyBuzzez
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 13
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Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 4/30/2010 1:14:17 PM
Looks like he is using tobacco to settle the nerves, the tuff part is getting a Marine to admit that.

Positive karma out to your daughter.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 25
Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 4/30/2010 7:28:28 PM

I was asked for advice from my adult, newlywed daughter. Her husband, a Marine, has picked up some nasty habits in 'the corps', and she's at a loss as how to deal with it.


How old is she-22 going on 12? I think this is part of the problem. When you have problems in your marriage, go running to mommy. Mommy will always take your side, no matter who's at fault.

I would suggest butting out of their marriage problems and let the two of them figure it out like adults. It's THEIR problem, let THEM deal with it Maybe he's not butting out just to pee you off, the mother. I certainly wouldn't appreciate a mother-in-law getting too involved in my love life.

I don't know why people aren't saying that the chewing tobacco is a good compromise. It's not producing smoke, so there's no toxic smoke in the air, and the hubby is getting his nicotine fix. Problem solved. Harassing the guy to death to try to force him to be someone else isn't going to work.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 27
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Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 4/30/2010 9:56:29 PM
A Marine.........who's life is filled with the stress to protect our Freedom of Choice.
Comes home to more stress because the wife can't handle how he is now handling the stress.

Giving this man ultimatums is not going to work......and only going to make him smoke more.

Sounds to me like he is trying to compromise by chewing.
He deserves a bit of credit for that.
Is it the best choice for his health?..........Nope......
but at least he's trying to be considerate of her allergies.

Whatever happened to "For better or worse"?
How about standing by your man and seeing if there is some way to help him through
the rough time that caused him to start smoking?
Communication and understanding are going to work far better than the
"Quit or get out" attitude being thrown around here.
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 28
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Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 4/30/2010 10:30:41 PM

I even gave the suggestion of him having a smoking room that way he could smoke till he decided to quit and she could stay away from the smoke.

My ex used to smoke on the deck of our apartment in the morning, with the doors open and I'd be in the shower but I could smell it. I didn't even know how badly living with a smoker who kept it away from me was, till he quit for three months and I stopped being unable to sleep because I felt like I was suffocating. A "smoking room" isn't really the answer.


Yes smoking is petty compared to divorce!!!

There was a time when I might have agreed with that, but now having such a severe reaction to cigarette smoke, I don't. The feeling of being able to really expand your lungs and take in a full lungful of honest-to-god air is worth a divorce. I, personally, am happy that I don't have to rely on inhalers in order to breathe properly; the chances of me ending up with a breathing tube and permanently attached to oxygen is very much lessened now that I no longer live with a smoker.
 PirateJohn09
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 29
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Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 4/30/2010 10:46:01 PM

A Marine.........who's life is filled with the stress to protect our Freedom of Choice. Comes home to more stress because the wife can't handle how he is now handling the stress.

Just because he's a Marine doesn't give him carte blanche to disregard his wife's health. And I say that as a former Air Force captain.

What if his way of "handling the stress" was to abuse her? Would you still defend him then? Well, smoking can be pretty darn abusive if it impacts their health.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 31
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Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 5/1/2010 6:20:41 AM

Just because he's a Marine doesn't give him carte blanche to disregard his wife's health. And I say that as a former Air Force captain.

And he switched to chewing.....which does not effect her health.
As I said.....he deserves a bit of credit for that.


What if his way of "handling the stress" was to abuse her? Would you still defend him then? Well, smoking can be pretty darn abusive if it impacts their health.

Give me a break......comparing apples to oranges there.
Did ya not read the part where he quit smoking.....and started chewing.
This does not impact HER health.

I stand by my post.......the man needs support at this time of his life.
Badgering and ultimatums are not the answer.
 PirateJohn09
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 33
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Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 5/1/2010 6:50:16 AM

And he switched to chewing.....which does not effect her health.

Um, the OP never said he "switched" to chewing. She said he "started" chewing. So now he smokes AND chews.


Give me a break......comparing apples to oranges there.

Not at all. The point is that just because he is "stressed" doesn't mean that he has the right to disregard his wife.


Did ya not read the part where he quit smoking.....and started chewing.

No, I never read the part where he quit smoking. That's because the OP never said he did. In fact, the OP said that he smokes cigarettes AND cigars.


I stand by my post.......the man needs support at this time of his life.

And I stand by my post. His being a Marine doesn't mean he automatically should get his way. There are far more constructive ways to deal with stress.

Besides, we don't even know what the guy does in the Marines. For all we know he could be an office staffer somewhere.
 PirateJohn09
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 41
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Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 5/1/2010 6:21:45 PM

Gee, its not like the Marine Corps is a stressfull job or anything.

As I already said, speaking as a six-year military officer, having a stressful job, no matter how honorable it is, does not change the effect that his smoking has on his partner. If he needs to find a way to reduce his stress, then I'm sure he and his wife can come to some sort of an agreement as to a more constructive way to do it.

I've known more than a few military folk who adopted the attitude that being in the military gave them some sort of entitlement mentality.

In fact, one funny story... When I worked at Disneyland in grad school, one of my co-workers was a Sergeant in the Marine Reserves. One day a bunch of Marines from Pendleton were ignoring park rules and generally making idiots of themselves. When he called them on it, they threw their weight around saying, "we're corporals in the Marines, so we don't have to follow park rules."

He replied, "I'm a sergeant in the Marines, so you can either drop and give me fifty or you can obey the rules of the park like everyone else."
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 45
Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 5/3/2010 7:57:05 AM
These may be symptoms of something deeper, of a controlling personality or something else. So ask her about if there are other issues. However, realize that as much as she nags to you about some of these issues, they are issues that THEY need to work on, not you. If the other issues are bigger, like others said, seek some marriage counseling. Actually, if you read some of the literature on marriage counseling, it is highly advisable even for people that do not seem to have problems, but that want to find a better relationship path.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 46
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Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 5/12/2010 12:21:32 PM

umm...they are NEWLYWEDS!! they've only been married for a year!! why would he not want her anymore? that is stupid and makes no sense.

You would think so! However, I became disenamored of my ex within a few months because she changed dramatically after saying "I do", but stupidly stuck with her for far too many years. Maybe I should have started smoking to get rid of her!
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 52
Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 5/22/2010 7:28:27 AM
Mom's words:



They dated for 3 years, during which he did not smoke. He was in the Marines for a year and a half before they married, during which he did not smoke.


Daughters words:



and we dated for three years before getting married. It was while we were dating that he started smoking

So, the daughter was well aware that he did smoke before she married him - mom apparently just didn't get the facts straight. The daughter was aware that he was a smoker beforehand. She admits that he'd smoke in the car after asking her if he could...in order to relieve stress. I can only assume that if if he asked her while she was in the car with him, she was in that confined space with him (unless she's running her thoughts together and meant that he'd ask her if he could smoke when she wasn't around him...highly unlikely - why would a guy ask if he could light one up if she wasn't there in the vehicle at the time he was wanting to light up?) If he smoked while in the confines of a vehicle in her presence, she'd have to absolutely have known then that he smoked and would have become sick in the confines of a small space such as a vehicle. Simply put, she knew before she married him that he smoked and now she expects him to change for her. I'm all for him having the respect for her not to smoke in her presence and she's within her rights to refuse to kiss him if it offends her from either smoking or chewing, but to contemplate ending a marriage where she knew something about him beforehand is now a bit dramatic.

As for this one which is slightly off topic but not entirely:


<div class='quote'> I live my life as healthily as I can and I have no room in it for people who are trying to end their lives prematurely by ingesting toxic substances.
Then I suggest you require lab results of all those you sell your baked goods to in order to assure yourself you are not profiting on the backs of those who are clogging their arteries, contirubiting to their diabetes or extra pounds, which can be equally life threatening - being that obesity in America is fast becoming one of the leading causes of illness and death. ..or is it different when a buck is involved and hypocrisy is to be ignored?
 Merrylass
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 53
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Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 5/22/2010 7:48:15 AM
There is plenty of research that proves conclusively that second-hand smoke causes cancer. Of course, first-hand smoke causes even more cancer. You can't 'deny' that which is fact. So he's adopted a murder weapon. She has every right to decide she doesn't want to be with someone who has that little care for her or himself.

I, too, am extremely sensitive to smoke. It makes me quite ill and I've made that absolutely clear. I would never tolerate a smoker in my house. I've had two men quit smoking 'for' me. People absolutely will ditch a stupid, dirty, unhealthy habit if they truly care about you. It's not like he's helpless, here - there are plenty of tools to use to help you quit. It's not a 'right', it's just a bad habit that no intelligent human should have anything to do with.

I think that he wants to be out of the marriage and this is his passive way of getting rid of her, frankly.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 56
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Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 5/22/2010 3:19:25 PM
funny, years ago when i served in the forces, i started smoking, its been an on and off battle ever since
before the military i really hated the smell of smoke
 hungry_joe
Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 60
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Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 5/23/2010 6:20:37 AM
You can't change the person. And someone that spends a lot of time around our Armed Froces, and as a veteran it is common to smoke. It is a great way to pass the time durring the long periods of bordom, it helps wake you up when your on gaurd duty, and its a bonding thing with your brothers. So, I doubt that he's going to quit, until his term of service is over. I'm not trying to say how great smoking is, I just letting you know what it is. He's probally smoking Black and Mild cigars, very popular, you know the ones with the plastic tip on the end. The best thing she can do, is ask him when he smokes, to take it outside on the porch. Dipping, is just a way to get you nicotine fix when you can't smoke indoors, again it common in all the branches. Again it is one of those things the helps when you're in a boring brief, etc. There I would get the pouches they are less messy. And she should say that dip isn't allowed in the house, if she is willing to compromise with the smoking outside. I've put down and picked up smoking, several times while serving...sometimes, its the only way you can get a break.

BTW being a Marine is a deadly activity...or did we forget that we're at war?
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 68
Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 5/25/2010 4:25:30 AM

You know that whole for better or for worse part. I figure if someone can not accept me at my worst then they damn sure should not get a chance to have my best
Ha! That's the kind of attitude my ex had too... Trouble is people with that attitude like to make sure they give you a whole lot of their worst before they "grace" you with some of their "best".. And if i ever heard "that" phrase again from a potential partner i would run away as fast as my feet would carry me.... You should WANT to give your partner the best! Not give them your worst so they can prove to you that they'll put up with it...
 .dej
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 71
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Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 5/29/2010 11:39:54 PM

You know that whole for better or for worse part. I figure if someone can not accept me at my worst then they damn sure should not get a chance to have my best.

Oh that is such crap. I usually only hear this from girls. Along with other nonsense like "I want someone who watches me fall asleep".

This is such a selfish attitude; but more than that, it's pretentious. If your worst is unacceptable to someone, that's not their problem that you're so bipolar or unstable that you have such incredible swings that it's intolerable.

She married someone who didn't smoke, who didn't chew, etc... She didn't know what his "worst" was. And it sounds like the fact he's set a new low means it's not her that doesn't deserve him.

Jeez, grow up.
 .dej
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 72
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Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 5/30/2010 12:18:56 AM
Ah, my mistake.

I still do stand by my objection to how pretentious that statement is.
 Worbug
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 74
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Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 5/30/2010 12:55:54 PM
Post 13.

I'd leave that one alone.

Every time you hear about a military guy killing his wife, it's a Marine.

I'm just sayin ...


Thats rich. One of the biggest cases was an ARMY Doctor killing his family.

As for the bait and switch, again I laugh. Women are the queens of the Bait and switch. Gaining masssive weight, becoming controlling etc after marriage.

As far as the smoking issue. It is what it is. Either she can dela with it or she cannot, I am sure a lot of things she does will change, but that will be different right, he will automatically have to deal with it or he is a piece of Sh1t.
 Worbug
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 78
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Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 5/31/2010 2:10:56 PM
Post 36

"Perhaps she could take a note from Lysistrata and refuse him sex until he gives up smoking when he's home from duty.
After all, it worked for a group of ancient Greek women."


Why is it most woman think that their vagina is the "Holy Grail" or something, like they are the only woman that has one. Any woman that uses her sex as a barganing chip in esssence makes her a whore. Once she starts this pattern, she deserves everything that follows as a result of cutting him off, i.e. Cheating, eventual withdraw from her, his resentment towards her etc.

My EX wife TRIED using sex as a barganing chip, I never felt the desire to touch her again, nor did I. I refused to be controlled by her idiotic behavior. I guess she showed me.

Too many woman out there for this guy to have to be controlled by someone.

I am sure she has some habits he doesn't care for, one off the top of my head is, running to her intruding mother on how to deal with her husband. Oh, and let's not forget the need to control.

What is that she brings to the table that she gets to dictate what he doe's., not much I am sure.




"umm...they are NEWLYWEDS!! they've only been married for a year!! why would he not want her anymore? that is stupid and makes no sense."

Because she is already showing signs of a contolling B#@CH. Also did not realize her mother was so meddling.
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 79
Won't quit 'for me'
Posted: 6/2/2010 8:31:05 PM

Have her buy him some nicotine lozenges. They provide the same nicotine as smoking and chewing but taste like mints.

I tried them, and they don't taste anything like mints. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever had in my mouth.

As to the original issue. I smoke and most likely always will but if my smoking made the person I was married to sick, I would go outside to smoke.

Getting divorced over smoking would be insane. Ending a family over smoking would be very sad.
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