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 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 1
Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Our age group, 45+, has experienced the highest number of divorces of every other same age generation preceeding us. Statistics show that the largest number of members on dating sites are the 45+ age group. A comment on another thread got me thinking about what are we doing wrong?
There are so many dating sites with so many members why aren't we more successful in finding love and companionship?

*Are many too scared of being hurt?
*Are many too scarred by the past?
*Are many the products of the 60's and 70's where love and sex was interchangeable?
*Are many looking for the wrong things?
*Why are emotional connections so difficult at this age?
*Is the sex and fun without the ties and responsibilities enough? What happens later?

From comments I've read in the Forums, I believe many are estranged from children and families and have few friends. What does this mean for their senior years? Will our generation be known as the LSS (Lonliest Single Seniors) generation?

Our generation should live longer and healthier than the preceeding one, but it has been proven that companionship and family plays a big role in longevity and mental health. Married men live longer, simply because of the role wives play in monitoring their health, ensuring physical check ups etc. The symbiotic relationship and support of two people benefit both.

How do you envision your lives will be, 15,20, or 25 years from now? Who will be there for you when you need someone? If you haven't given someone the few remaining "best "years of your life, who's going to be there in the "hardest" years?
Is a waiting list with your name on it for the next available space at a nursing home your Plan A? Is there a plan B?
 FriendlyFreeSpirit
Joined: 7/27/2009
Msg: 2
Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/1/2010 12:21:30 PM
Well, my mother and stepfather are planning on moving into a retirement village. It's about an hour from the CBD and has a lawn bowling club. A hairdresser and a doctor visit once a week.
Mum said that if John dies before her, I can come and live with her there.
yay...





Well, I suppose it's a plan..lol..
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 3
Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/1/2010 1:17:35 PM
FFS...you're a hoot...I'm sure you'll be the centre of attention where ever you go!LMAO!

P.S.I always enjoy your humour!
 StatuesqueLuckyCharm!
Joined: 5/10/2009
Msg: 4
Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/1/2010 1:18:11 PM
Ok, THIS is a VERY depressing topic

At first when I joined POF I thought great lots of men over 40...didn't think it would be THIS tough to find someone...everyone thinks they are "too good" or something, and a lot of the men want younger woman... and they ain't nothin to write home about

Ok this thread should be deleted... it's too sad
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 5
Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/1/2010 1:38:22 PM
I'm sorry SLC didn't mean to depress you! Lol! Just want to give a lot out there a wake up call. I think many are experiencing what you just expressed in one form or another!

Many are out there sowing their geriatric oats, but what happens when they no longer can, and they've never taken the time to invest in a relationship?
 A Religion Of One
Joined: 3/4/2010
Msg: 6
Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/1/2010 1:45:04 PM

Many are out there sowing their geriatric oats, but what happens when they no longer can, and they've never taken the time to invest in a relationship?


Just call it a life, and blow your brains out. Simple enough.
 StatuesqueLuckyCharm!
Joined: 5/10/2009
Msg: 7
Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/1/2010 1:53:01 PM
that "religion of one" nice guy...NOT and what would you know your not single...

then again he's not Canadian like us "SmartsandHeart"

then again, Canadian men are...ok...I better behave...

I need a chill pill



or several
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 8
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Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/1/2010 1:55:59 PM
Wow!

"Who will be there for you when you need someone? "

The same person (and friends) that have always been with me, me, myself and I.

The first few years after loosing my late husband, I didn't like living alone. However, I adapted nicely. I don't give a min. thought to needed someone just to take care of me.


"If you haven't given someone the few remaining "best "years of your life, who's going to be there in the "hardest" years? "

Same person.............me. According to medical science I was supposed to be terminal half my life time ago. Then I will still in my first marriage. Didn't help a thing to be in a relationship with this man. In fact, it made it worse, so I divorced rather than have him around adding further stress. Guess what I got better, and realize that divorce was a smart move.

"Is a waiting list with your name on it for the next available space at a nursing home your Plan A?"

My father lived alone till he died in his sleep at 90. My mother lived alone until she died at 90.

If you are in a nursing home very ill, why would it help to be in a relationship?''

I plan to sell my property in the next 2 or 3 years. Move to a senior apts, and travel 6 months a year.

If I get so ill that I need a nursing home, I will help myself leave this earth quickly.
 freedomagn
Joined: 2/17/2009
Msg: 9
Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/1/2010 1:57:33 PM
Nothing wrong with sowing the oats while you still have them, besides it can be sown with just one partner. Imagine no oats, man that can be depressing! lol
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 10
Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/1/2010 2:20:08 PM
Freedomagn...

Nothing wrong with sowing the oats while you still have them, besides it can be sown with just one partner.


I agree totally. Never said there was anything wrong with "sowing oats" with a partner.
But some run out of oats , never invested in a relationship, and then expect a woman 10-15 years younger to give them "a chance" because they need a nurse maid! What do they have to offer at that stage? Lol.
 freedomagn
Joined: 2/17/2009
Msg: 11
Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/1/2010 2:24:41 PM
Those looking for that age difference are living in a fantasy world. From what I see on this site there are plenty of great looking people that interest me, it's just they are in the distance factor.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 12
Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/1/2010 2:40:26 PM
58 and already lonely for companionship.
Don't have to wait for more senior years to know what that feels like.
But it's not all that horrible.. it's just life.

Fantastic contact/love with grown children and grandkids.. no problems there.. but they do have their lives to live and I mostly just stand back and let them, ya know?

Companionship is something different than that.
I do not have it at this time of life, and maybe won't ever again, who knows.

Had a real good female friend.. but she passed.
May end up with another old lady friend some day. That would be cool. What the heck.

Acquaintances are not the same thing... they're just an 'entertainment value'... (for me and them, not one sided, lol).

Men seem to want to check out the bedroom first and let that decide if they want to even think about getting to know you. Yeah yeah whatever. I do not get turned on just because there is a bedroom there! I do get turned on by.... well I won't say here... that's for the guy after he gets to know me. But.. catch-22 there, isn't there.

So I am my own companion. Thankfully I do like myself.
I'm living where I can continue to live until I'm 99, if I want. Smart me.
My kids or grandkids will help out with "needs" if there ever happen to be any...
and the State can kick in help too, in the form of an aide if that is ever needed.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll find another companion. And maybe I won't.
It's the NOW that matters anyway.
 QUIET WHISPERS
Joined: 3/22/2010
Msg: 13
Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/1/2010 3:22:16 PM
stop w/ this internet BS & live a real life- AND just what did people do to meet other people BEFORE the internet?

and, BTW, if you want a hottie, you gotta BE A HOTTIE 1st- so work on your appearance PLUS your mental attitude, no one wants a whiner, or a crybaby
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 14
Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/1/2010 3:48:30 PM

stop w/ this internet BS & live a real life-
Who the heck thus far in this thread, and actually in most of the posts in most of the threads in 'over-45', has said anything about NOT living a real life?
 Free-At-Last
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 15
Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/1/2010 7:43:54 PM
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.


^^^That is my Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 16
Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/1/2010 8:04:28 PM
Free-At-Last...What a plan...love it!!!LOL!

You're definitly not one of the ones that will be alone. All that life and humour in you won't allow it!
 zeeba2
Joined: 11/21/2008
Msg: 17
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Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/1/2010 8:04:56 PM
Wow. Well, I don't know if this makes a difference or not -- but can't resist adding the proverbial two cents' worth! I do have a guy now, and we are making our plans for retirement or beyond. However, he's never been married -- and nor have I. We also don't have any kids (unless you count one dog, one needy cat, and one UN-needy independent kitty!) He has a relatively small extended family. I'm an only child, with aging parental units and not as close an extended family as I would like. As a result, we are most likely going to be without too much family in the future.

So...here's the bottom line. I love my guy and am thankful every day we found each other. But if that hadn't happened, or for some reason, we broke up? I learned to be happy with "mine own self" a long time ago. You absolutely cannot depend exclusively upon others for your own happiness, or for long-term security. That's not intended to be harsh, or bitter. I am this way (and so's my sweetie; we have had tons of talks about this one) because I really didn't have any other choice -- and neither did he. Had we not met, we wouldn't have been thrilled about being alone...but it wouldn't have killed us.

Make your plans, but also be prepared to change them. And most important -- really be content with who you are, where you are in the universe, and enjoy the heck out of each and every day. With or without that special someone.
 Rusty474
Joined: 12/18/2007
Msg: 18
Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/1/2010 8:12:53 PM
^^ good post, we all need a plan A and a plan B. Your last sentence said it all.

And to Freespirit - I've been practising my spitting for years now, I've had that poem taped to my fridge for years as inspiration. We need a plan and we also need to laugh at ourselves.
 *topchef*
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 19
Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/1/2010 8:18:08 PM
Based on what I have read in these forums...a lot of people fall into one of two categories.

They are either paralyzed with fear (fears ranging from loss of money, being taken advantage of, getting hurt and other issues) or they have very unrealistic expectations about who they will be attactive to. People in this age group are very risk adverse. Which is too bad really, they are missing out on a lot.
 Dave of Indiana
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 20
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Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/1/2010 11:17:16 PM

*Are many too scared of being hurt?
*Are many too scarred by the past?


Personally I feel that the first two are the major reasons. The others are responses to these two. Whether we can admit it or not, we all (men and women) have baggage of some sort. Just reading the comments made in the various topics speak for themself.

Not being a woman I don't pretend to percieve how men's comments are always translated within women. I (as a man) can say that the comments from many (though not all) of the ladies give me the impression that they believe "All men are created Evil". Seldom have I read any positive comments regarding men on here.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 21
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Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/2/2010 4:44:49 AM
Whether you are lonely depends mainly on you, at any time of your life. The real world if full of people who are looking for relationships of all kinds, and while to have a friend you have to be a friend is the golden rule, you can always make the effort if you want to do so.

If you really want a relationship, in the sense that it is your first priority, you are probably not more than half an hour away from it. On the other hand if you really want a relationship with a few hundred conditions attached, you will probably never have one.
 andover1111
Joined: 12/2/2009
Msg: 22
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Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/2/2010 6:43:29 AM

What does this mean for their senior years? Will our generation be known as the LSS (Lonliest Single Seniors) generation?


I have known many people paralyzed after the death of a spouse they have lived with for 50 years, it's really heartbreaking.

I think we may end up the HSS (Happiest Single Seniors). We know we can live alone, we're used to changing partners, we know that after adjusting to change we'll come out the other side, we've learned the skills needed to establish relationships and know the real pleasure it is to explore someone new.

Count me as one used to taking it as it comes, strength and joy in the face of it all.

If I'm still a fish in the pond then, I won't be the only one.
 Free-At-Last
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 23
Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/2/2010 7:54:21 AM

Whether you are lonely depends mainly on you, at any time of your life. The real world if full of people who are looking for relationships of all kinds, and while to have a friend you have to be a friend is the golden rule, you can always make the effort if you want to do so.

If you really want a relationship, in the sense that it is your first priority, you are probably not more than half an hour away from it. On the other hand if you really want a relationship with a few hundred conditions attached, you will probably never have one.

Exactly!!

I think we may end up the HSS (Happiest Single Seniors). We know we can live alone, we're used to changing partners, we know that after adjusting to change we'll come out the other side, we've learned the skills needed to establish relationships and know the real pleasure it is to explore someone new.

Yup....it's always best to focus on the journey rather than the destination.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 24
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Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/2/2010 8:48:16 AM
I can only answer for myself, of course.
I know I will be very cautious, but not for fear of being hurt. I've had that aplenty, and know pain well enough not to be bothered so much by it, much like in a recent post where we talked about how older men don't pay attention to blood leaking out of us while we are busy with other things.
If fear is involved at all, it is fear of being the cause of distress to someone else, or of becoming entangled in the sort of messy, difficult emotional struggles I HOPE to have left in my youth. I have too much to do, continuing my care of my children, and dealing with the challenge of this unique time in the history of this country, when the aftermath of WW2's happenstances are finally coming to not entirely comforting fruition.
As for the notion that some subscribe to, that this is an opportunity to have wild sex without responsibility again, I consider that nonsense. Even if we were NOT threatened by incurable STD's, I am myself not interested in "sequential orgies." Perhaps because I am a musician and writer, I find far greater pleasure in repeat engagements with evolution and elaboration, than in repeating the confusions of a new encounter over and over. Besides, the work of seduction has never been easy for me. I'm too committed to honesty, which has always seemed to interfere rather severely with that.
I expect that if there is any ONE reason for this situation you describe, it is that we have all LEARNED so much about ourselves. When we were younger, and more ignorant, we would try with almost anyone who had a face, and sufficient appendages available to make a go of the adventure we had in mind. Now we take so many other things into account, we reduce our field of choosings, often too far for our own good, so that we are missing out on many partial enjoyable involvements.
The future? I cannot myself afford to contemplate the future near as much as I would like, as the daily challenges I still face are too great to permit it. My only goal is to see to the safest "landings" I can for those I care about, and then I will happily accept whatever "landing" results by default for myself. I do not anticipate feeling badly about that, whatever it might be, as I will have busied myself the entire time in living by my own standards; and it is in that living that I take my sense of accomplishment, not in the height of the mountain I've managed to climb.
 whatsit
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 25
Lonliest Single Seniors To Come.
Posted: 5/2/2010 9:34:03 AM
Hm. Well, there's the RATIONAL side, who, like Igor, above, knows that there can be messy entanglements, messy emotions, relationship that are too much trouble, pain caused, and also pain felt.

Then there's my IRRATIONAL self who finds a man I really really like and all the rational elements suddenly seem less important than the feelings I get when I'm with him. Logic goes out the window: I make a list of all the good things and all the bad things, and if one of the good things is that he makes me feel happier WITH him than I am WITHOUT him, all the bad things get crossed off the list.


<div class="quote">Our age group, 45+, has experienced the highest number of divorces of every other same age generation preceeding us.
I'd be interested to know if the 25-35 yr age group also has the highest divorce rates in history. Divorce is just much more common now than it used to be--no-fault divorce and equality in the courts (I know, some men are going to have an apoplectic attack I said that) has made it not only a VIABLE option, but sometimes the BEST option to keep the family unit intact (parents divorce, but share parenting/finances almost equally--middle class America).

As to why we're on dating sites? Because the bar scene is a bore, I already do clubs and things and apparently didn't find love there, etc. It's harder to meet "new" people when you're older and set in your ways. You already DO what you like to do.


<div class="quote">*Why are emotional connections so difficult at this age?

I don't find that they are--not at all. I am more open about loving my friends, for instance. It's just that emotional connections are more associated with the reality of life, now: I can see that I am attracted to a man, but I know that dating and living with someone are two ENTIRELY different things. His little foibles that he keeps in his house don't bother me--it's HIS life. But when it becomes OUR life, I have a say and I may or may not be able to handle it. (I'm thinking of the stupid little things like how he arranges his furniture, toothpaste cap on or off, bed made or unmade. THOSE are the things in reality that make or break a live-in situation.)
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