Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Talking about Experience      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 jamie9562
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 3
Talking about ExperiencePage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
what are you saying?

what? that you had sex before you met him? shocker! what experiences did you have that would make him change his mind?

it must have been something,,your being very vague..


exactly what did you say to him?
 jamie9562
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 6
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/4/2010 11:42:32 PM
so,,,it was just the fact you had sex before you met him?

hummmmmm......immature comes to mind,,,but you are young so it is probably more relevent at your age,,,


try and find a 40 year old women who never had sex! lol

it's really not an issue anymore trust me,,,,,nothing like experience
 jamie9562
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 9
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/4/2010 11:55:59 PM

Well I dont really know the details of what exactly made things go awry. He hasn't contacted me so I have no idea.

Im just wondering when you bring this up to someone you're seeing? Are you supposed to wait until right before you have sex to tell them!? After you have sex? Before you start dating?

Im frustrated because Its stupid to let sex get in the way of a potentially really great relationship.



who would know the details besides you????????????? your the one who had the talk

bring what up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tell them what??????????????

let sex get in the way???????? man you are the most vague person i have ever met...details dammit!
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 16
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/5/2010 8:29:03 AM
Sounds to me that whatever you told him, said to him that you were not quite interested, ready, or capable of having a more intimate relationship. And if you spoke to him, in the dry confusing way as you did this post, it would indicate to me as well, that it's time to fish in another pond. So what he did, and not knowing any details but just the tone of your statements, seems like a natural reaction.

Can you elaborate as to what you told him? Did you get more intimate with him? Did you have sex? Kissed? Held hands?
What was the extend of your involvement when you had the "talk"?
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 17
view profile
History
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/5/2010 8:57:04 AM
why do people feel the need to air all their dirty laundry from the past into present relationships??

You have met someone new, time to make new memories..have new experiences..with a clean slate.
Unless it is going to harm a person, leave it in the past. Unless it is going to affect the present relationship in anyway...move on!!
Everyone has a past. You dont have to know what it is, just accept the fact that there is one.
People dont have to know about how many people you may have slept with, who they were, if there were small animals involved...or what you may have done with a college room mate once..

Just forget about it and dont bring it up unless you absoulutly have too!! Certainly not into a 3 month relationship!!

P.S. and never ask questions that you really dont want to know the answers too.
 DragNFlyBuzzez
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/5/2010 9:36:42 AM
Well OP, now ya done it, you mentioned the past experiences but made him wait 6-7 dates, ok, if it was me, I think this is friends only here with me type of women..............see ya
second thought was all that stuff said above
 myrgth
Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 20
view profile
History
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/5/2010 2:44:14 PM
When you are with the right person, you can't really screw it up with honest dialogue.


He mentioned he didnt feel any different and that he was only simply "more informed".


He lied. To be fair though, he might not have felt any different right that moment (because very few guys want to be that guy that goes all apeshit over past sex.. even if inside they really are) but then on later reflection decided that whatever it is that you told him was just too much, too overwhelming or too messy for him to want to be involved in. That's his right. That's his choice to make. He is making an informed decision. Up until that point his decisions were based on what he thought he knew of you.. the nice girl who has been hanging out with him but not having sex. Now he knows different. His choices will be different.


I'm just looking for opinions on when and how to bring this up.


The way you have presented your OP suggests that you have a bombshell to drop. If that is the case, it's likely going to be a 'sooner the better' situation. Most adults recognize that everyone they meet will have a past and it's not really something that most will want to talk about in depth. It's sufficient to recognize that you wont be each others first experience. Some will be more receptive to an in depth conversation about past experiences but most won't. There is no when or how as it should be something that happens naturally and fluidly without any real effort. If it never comes up then you are with someone who doesn't want the in depth talk, if it does.. then you have to use your judgment on if the person is using the talk to get to know you better or to weed you out. If you have a depraved past it doesn't make a lot of sense to try and hook up with someone who is uber moralistic. It doesn't matter if you have changed, learned from past mistakes, or whatever other thing you want to toss into it - to some people it absolutely will matter. It's best to know that sooner rather than later.

Again, when you are with someone that truly has the potential to be a great relationship then open and honest dialogue won't harm that potential. If and when open and honest dialogue does shut it down - that potential never really existed other than in the fantasy of the relationship.
 bumponnalog
Joined: 7/14/2005
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/5/2010 3:47:05 PM
I' m not clear on whether you're talking about sexual experience or sexual history. When you said you spent two hours talking about your experience "after" I thought "2 hours?!" That would end me running. If I'm to the point of getting intimate with someone all I really need to know is - are they STD free/have beeen tested and for what. Personally, I don't need to know details of his sexual experiences with others. What each of our bedroom preferences is another matter.
If you're saying you did the jiggy and THEN had "the talk" that was whack.
sounds to me like it was only about sex with him OR the sex wasn't good OR the 2 hour talk turned him off. Bottom line is, if he's ignoring you/not talking any more/ not spending time any more - that should tell you he's not interested any more....for whatever reason.
 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 22
view profile
History
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/5/2010 4:12:47 PM
Could be a case of to much information to soon, maybe he thinks you shared too much or that you had gone into relationship mode and he wanted to take things slower, only he knows for sure. I find I don't have the outright relationship or previous partners conversations, as another poster stated I prefer a little information at a time at a more natural pace.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 24
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/5/2010 4:53:34 PM

And a PS for women everywhere. When your husband or BF does something very, very bad try this. Walk up to him, put your arms behind his neck, smile and pull his face down on the TOP of your head as fast and as hard as possible. It's spectacular. Especially at a party.

Ah, I dunno about that. I'll stick to rapping him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
OP, I think you ran your mouth too much and spooked the guy. Now, I'm all for 'sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander' If it's "not OK" or "yucky" for a woman to have had 20 different weiners inside her, then it's also "not OK"/"yucky" for men to have stuck their weiners in 20 different women.
But don't be dragging big-ass lectures, dramas, whatever! about yourr past sex life into a new relationship unless something life-altering came about as a result of i( children, disease, felony conviction or registration as a sex offender,would be examples).
I think you tanked this one, baby girl. Sorry.Better luck next time.
Cindy O
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/5/2010 4:56:34 PM

why do people feel the need to air all their dirty laundry from the past into present relationships??


I agree with this. Tend to this when it poses a problem.

OP, I'm sorry you are being treated like this. I hope you can patch things up, if not, then I guess you could use this as a learning experience. I just wouldn't go "opening up" anymore, especially on things that really shouldn't be made an issue. If your beau needed to talk about them, I am sure he would have asked.

Some things are best simply left in the past. I mean, hell, you're an adult, you have sex in the past..no need to bring up details or anything like that.

Do you think your prospective beau could be wondering, if things got hot and heavy between you..if he was going to be mentioned in your next "opening up" to someone? You know?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 26
view profile
History
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/5/2010 7:34:34 PM
Okay, I was a good boy and read all the posts.
OP, you NEVER explained what was contained in your "sex talk," so there's no way anyone can advise you when to reveal whatever it was. Period. You might as well ask "When is the BEST time to do "stuff?' and expect us to answer in great an specific detail.

Apparently, you think that EVERYONE has a standard "sex talk" that they give to their SO's, and you want to get a feel for everyone else's timing. As you can see, most of us DON'T have a "sex talk." So we can't answer you.
Now: I CAN answer about one MINOR point: the fact that he said "He mentioned he didnt feel any different and that he was only simply "more informed", and then the next day, he became distant, and now has been silent for a week.
This is called "ruminating," Meditating, thinking about it further, rolling it around in your mind, all kinds of things. When you asked him RIGHT AFTER THE "TALK," he had had NO time to think about it.
Ever wanted to buy something really expensive? You get your money out of the bank, and go to the Big Store, and you're ready to buy, but the salesman tells you for the first time, that there is NO warranty. Or that the price on the sticker doesn't include the base. Or that it doesn't actually do ALL the things you thought it did.
Then the salesman asks you "so, what do you think? " Most people say something non-committal, like they "[don't] feel any different and that [they are] only simply "more informed.""
But they don't plunk down that cash. They go home and RETHINK THINGS. Sometimes they decide, what the heck, I still want it, other times they decide "on second thought, I don't REALLY want it THAT much."
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 27
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/5/2010 9:36:24 PM
I'm guessing a casual getting hot moment turned into a serious where is this going moment...so he backed off.
Just as well for you. Cus he wasn't for you.
If you felt the need to change the vibe then you felt that too.

I'd rate this a near miss.
so no bad karma for anyone.
 .dej
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 30
view profile
History
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/6/2010 10:34:06 AM
If you stopped in the middle of a "hot" moment to have a two hour conversation about your past lovers, he might have rightly decided that was a set of bags he didn't want to deal with carrying. That would send my eyebrows up, too. Don't talk about your exes; especially don't stop to do so.

The only thing you need to "share" is whether or not you're a virgin (come on, this is a game-changer), and whether you have any STDs (moral obligation). The rest is your business only.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 31
view profile
History
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/6/2010 11:25:53 AM
Thinking a bit about why you had the need to have a big share with him about something that you obviously thought he might have a problem with but were hoping he could accept and thus accept you.

Sometimes people "lead with their bad" and it seems to me, although many and varied, the reasons *tend* to fall into two broad camps:

The first is a self-protection to test their reaction. "I'll tell you my bad, IF you accept it then we can proceed, but I'm not getting into this deeply only to find out later on (because you will eventually learn about this if you are in my life) that this is a dealbreaker for you."

The second is a form of self-esteem or therapy. "I'll tell you my bad because I want to know you will like me anyway, you do like me anyway, don't you? and be reassured I can count on you to be a repository for my emotional baggage in the future."

Which camp do you think you fall into OP?
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 33
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/6/2010 12:56:31 PM
Relating this to another thread that's been popping up off and on lately-OP,did you give this guy some big spiel about your prior bfs/relationships being just about sex,whether from the get-go or by devolving, and how you didn't want that to happen this time?
just thought I'd point out how this thread brought that one to mind.
At any rate, if you haven't heard a peep out of him for 3 weeks, I think you can safely presume that this connection has become a non-starter.
Look, nobody's saying that anybody should be LYING about their level of sexual experience, but when it comes to a couple of adults, UNLESS there is something very significant, like a child, a disease, conviction of a sexual offense, it's really not anybody else's business. And if you have baggage,such as being hurt by a "player", either carry it yourself, put it in 'storage", throw it off a cliff, whatever, but do not hand it to a prospective new partner and expect him(or her) to carry it for you. If you cannot seem to refrain from putting it on new romances, then maybe you need to set all but the most casual social dating off to one side while you make dealing with the old baggage a priority over just rushing into a new "relationship".
Cindy O
 .dej
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 34
view profile
History
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/6/2010 1:22:54 PM

If two people are going to be intimate each has a right to know of the other's sexual partner number.

You have a right to nothing that I'm not obligated to inform you of for your health.

The rest of your post is presumptuous nonsense that assumes anyone who wants privacy has something to hide.

Hell, for your third bullet point, the reasoning for most of people's responses is to keep private things private so the OTHER PERSON can feel better. How does what I did with someone else affect a potential future partner's morals? What were you thinking when you wrote that?
 .dej
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 35
view profile
History
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/6/2010 1:28:53 PM
That's not the reason. The reason has been hashed out already in this thread. You can scroll back and read through if you want it.

*My* number wouldn't have anything to do with my potential SO "respecting" *HER* body. That doesn't even make sense.

Again, you make the brazen and inappropriate assumption that someone wanting privacy only has something to hide.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 36
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/6/2010 1:34:33 PM

that can be unnerving for someone new to deal with as its not their fault I was in an abusive relationship

No, it's not. And if this past history is affecting your ability to have a healthy sex life as part of a relationship, your focus should be on dealing with THOSE demons first. Someone new should not have to feel like they are responsible for your recovery, or that they have to "tiptoe on eggshells" to be with you. If that's happening, or if you feel like you have to give a big long explanation of everything that might "freak you out" in a sexual situation,then you need to be working with those who have the skills and background to help you cure yourself.
Cindy O
 anunu
Joined: 10/21/2009
Msg: 37
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/6/2010 1:52:18 PM
I just have to agree with everyone else here.
You don't have the talk.
What is the purpose? What does he need to know about you that is that important to disclose?

Even if you had a 20 person orgy, why does he need to know unless you are toting herpes or some kind of STD presently.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 38
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/6/2010 1:53:50 PM

I need to know the amount of sexual partners my SO has had

OK, how would you react then to a potential SO who wanted to know your income, your credit score, your net worth right off the bat?

It makes me come to a decision on whether this person would be worth dating and how she percieves intimate encounters.

I can't speak for men because I'm not one, but I can tell you that "how(a woman) perceives intimate encounters" is not something that gets set in stone the first time she has sex. I'm not going to say that a woman with a near pathological sex drive, or LACK of one, is going to do a 180 degree turn in her behavior. But withing social and sexual norms, many factors impact how a woman perceives intimate encounters, and that perception can be impacted by any number of internal and external factors.
Of course, it's reasoning like this that leads a guy to choose a woman who doesn't like sex, therefore having very few partners in very strict settings, then start whinging because she won't give him none, or uses sex as a weapon.
Actually, bluedevil, there are people who would regard YOU as being in the wrong for having had sex with ANY partners unless that partner was your lawfully wedded wife. In some social environments having had 3 partners would make you tantamount to an indictable sex offender, and in others having had 3 partners by age 25 would make you pretty lame.
Nope. Beyond the presence of children or sexually communicable diseases, a person's sexual history is nobody's business but their own.
Cindy O
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 39
view profile
History
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/6/2010 2:10:57 PM

Last week things got kicked up a notch and I really didn't know where he expected it to go. It took me a while to figure out my feelings as I was still getting to know him but every time I hung out with him, I liked him more and more.

^^^After 6 or 7 dates...it's all very new. Having feelings other than wanting to date each other, seems a bit intense...to have a big talk lasting 2 hours, excessive.
Talk suggests -->>>a one-way download. Most guys that I know don't like to sit still for things like that at anytime--much less to be blindsided by 'a talk'...I'm assuming that it wasn't a conversation, so he's only now just getting back to you after processing it all.

His behavior does seem somewhat cryptic. Whatever is going on, it doesn't appear to bode well. I'd give him space and see what happens. Dating is about trying someone on for size and seeing how well they fit. You may have decided it for him.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 40
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/6/2010 2:35:19 PM

A partner that fcuked everything that moved before getting into a relationship might have such a casual approach to sex that cheating on their partner is not a big deal to them....
I wonder how many people who got cheated on didn't think it was important to have the 'talk' beforehand either....

It's been my understanding that most women who cheat do so for EMOTIONAL reasons rather than sexual ones. It's men who are more apt to cheat simply for a sexual reason/relationship.But it's also been my observation that in either connotation of cheating, there are usually other issues in play, as well.
A person of either gender can deeply enjoy sex and not feel like it has to be in a certain framework, yet maintain faithfulness if they have made a committment to that principle.
All too often cheating really isn't even about sex,even though sex is happening. It can be about anger, resentment, disappointment,secret revenge, feeling unloved, feeling like their partner has come to take them for granted and considers them part of the furniture...
In fact, from all I've heard, it's often a sexually inexperienced person who gets drawn into cheating, because they think maybe they are missing out on something, or they are easily led/unaware of the true direction someone's attentions are headed in.
Nope...unless there are children, disease, criminal offense or unresolved trauma( I will toss that in there) a person's sexual history is their own business,and safe sex should be the order of the day. Because anyone who is ASHAMED of their sexual past, or feels that they are being "cornered" may very well lie like a Persian rug,anyway.
Cindy O
 SilentInk
Joined: 3/20/2010
Msg: 41
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/6/2010 5:36:49 PM
I am sorry I have to say this. I don't know if someone already brought this up, but I just don't feel like reading all 3 pages. Anyway mama always told me, "Never EVER ever share past sex experiences with a person whom you are interested romantically in". All that will happen is he will end up resenting you. Even if he does choose to talk to you again, it will most likely come up in fights. Like I would rather not know how many girls my boyfriend slept with, what positions they did etc. Some things are much better left unsaid. When it comes to talking about past sex experiences it is best to say as little as possible without making it look like your trying to be secretive.
 .dej
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 42
view profile
History
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/7/2010 4:28:14 PM

It's been my understanding that most women who cheat do so for EMOTIONAL reasons rather than sexual ones. It's men who are more apt to cheat simply for a sexual reason/relationship.But it's also been my observation that in either connotation of cheating, there are usually other issues in play, as well.
A person of either gender can deeply enjoy sex and not feel like it has to be in a certain framework, yet maintain faithfulness if they have made a committment to that principle.
All too often cheating really isn't even about sex,even though sex is happening. It can be about anger, resentment, disappointment,secret revenge, feeling unloved, feeling like their partner has come to take them for granted and considers them part of the furniture...
In fact, from all I've heard, it's often a sexually inexperienced person who gets drawn into cheating, because they think maybe they are missing out on something, or they are easily led/unaware of the true direction someone's attentions are headed in.
Nope...unless there are children, disease, criminal offense or unresolved trauma( I will toss that in there) a person's sexual history is their own business,and safe sex should be the order of the day.

Wow, well said.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Talking about Experience