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 wearred
Joined: 4/28/2009
Msg: 1
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnosePage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I have been dating this guy for a month after we met in another dating site; we used to go out twice a week, talking on the phone regularly and texting every day. Both were pleased the way things were developing between us; we were looking for the same, a long exclusive dating relationship that allow us to get to know each other with no rush or pressure of any sort.
Two weekends ago we set a date to go dancing and he came to my house to pick me up as we were doing for the last 2 dates. I invited him to come in and to have a beer and as we were ready to leave he said there was something we needed to talk about, then he proceeded to tell me he will be going through a biopsy the next Monday to rule out a probable prostatic cancer. He explained me his yearly physical showed an abnormality and his doctor have called him a week before to inform him a biopsy was needed, and even his chances were good he felt I needed to know what was going on since a cancer diagnose would affect his life deeply, starting with his sex life. He also told me that he felt if that would be the case it would be unfair for me to go further into our involvement as we knew how important sex was for both in a relationship. I asked him directly if he didn't want to see me anymore being the situation and he said he wanted to keep seeing each other and see what happens, which I agreed.
With all that transpired we decided to stay at my house and were intimate for the first time; honestly we both knew we haven't gotten to that point yet but I guess the emotions got the better of us. I just can say that even under the circumstances we spent a great time and it felt just right. Subsequent days things were the same between us; he went through the biopsy on Monday, we talked and texted regularly and I invited him to lunch on Thursday since his BD was Friday and I will be gone the weekend taking my son to a tournament. Thursday very early he texted letting me know doctor has called and wanted to see him that day if possible so he could not come to lunch; I replied telling him it was ok and please let me know how things went with the appointment. I didn't hear from him until past midnight when he called and told me test result was positive and he has cancer. I tried the best I could to comfort him, he was calm and collected but could feel the sadness in his voice; very difficult moment indeed. I had to travel that same day so we could not seen each other until Monday; I told him I will text along the weekend and I did it on Saturday, he replied promptly and asked how we were doing but could feel he was not engaged in the conversation. I did not try to communicate on Sunday since it was Mother's Day and I was hoping -but not expecting- him to reach out to me which he didn't.
I haven't heard from him since Saturday and actually I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to respect his silence since that is telling me about his decision but I'm absolutely heartbroken over this and feel very sad for him. I know the chances of us being in a romantic relationship now are null but I don't want him to think I'm not interested in knowing how he's doing or that I just moved on without even trying to offer my support and affection.
Advice please...
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 2
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History
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 1:41:46 AM
I totally agree with ^^^^^^^^^^^^^. Be there for him, which is obviously what your heart is telling you. From his perspective... he may draw away a little, he needs to have a think about just him and his life and try to get his thoughts in order. You are a relatively new person in his world- he needs to concentrate on family and old friends first. If he is the man you think he is, he may also be reluctant to burden you with all the consequences of a scary disease, and figures he should give YOU space too.

I would go with a gentle email or call just letting him know you feel for him, and would like to offer whatever support he needs, even if that means you have to back off for a while. Or indeed forever if that is what he ultimately requires. Just... listen to him, then do whatever you think is best for the both of you.

Lots of good wishes for you, him and his family!!
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 3
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 4:04:39 AM
I'm so sorry that you both have this to deal with but it doesn't mean that you automatically should end your relationship or that the chance for a romantic relationship with this man is impossible. Much depends on how early this cancer has been detected and what type of initial treatment your friend and his doctor decide is right for him. Here is a webpage that can tell you some of the options available.

http://health.yahoo.com/prostatecancer-treatment/prostate-cancer-treatment-overview/healthwise--aa15177.html

Prostate cancer has a very high cure rate if caught early and that's what's most important. There is more to a happy, healthy, satisfying sex life than penile penetration. And not all prostate cancer survivors are left impotent. If you care about this man, go with him to his doctor (if he is amenable) and find out what the prognosis is likely to be.

Good luck to you both.
 TooShadows
Joined: 9/26/2008
Msg: 4
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History
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 5:11:16 AM
Something like this happened to me nearly ten years ago. I was just starting to see a very good looking woman who was far out of my league. She wanted a FWB relationship. I got my STD and HIV tests at her request,and right after she phoned and told me she'd found a lump in her throat. After that I never heard from her again. To this day I wonder if it was for real,or if she was just putting me on the whole time. I'm not saying that's the case here though.
 MizBex
Joined: 3/27/2010
Msg: 5
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 6:26:24 AM
Last year, I had a relationship with a man who had had prostate cancer. He told me 4 hours into our first date and I could tell it was very hard for him to tell me, but he wanted me to know that there would be complications should we proceed to intimacy. I told him how much I admired him for telling me and that true intimacy is really a matter of the mind and I would like to see where things could go between us. While we did not reach full intimacy, we did spend a lot of time together, being very affectionate and physical and it was wonderful. While things did not work out for other reasons, I never regret my time with him. He was a good man and you have to really respect and understand how hard this is on a man.

If I were you and you really care for him, I would reach out to him. It has been my experience that even though men may be hiding or going through emotional issues, they always appreciate a good woman who stands by their side in tough times. You should call him, just so he knows you are there.
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 6
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 7:11:42 AM
On one hand I can't help but feel like he's waiting for you to follow up, giving you the opportunity to walk away without a scene. On the other hand, wow, what a come-on. . . kinda like the 'ol "I'm shipping out to the front, this could be our last night together." sort of line. . . (Although, it would take real balls to use the big C to get laid - no pun intended)
If you care about this man, you need to reach out to him. If you really feel that there is no chance of a relationship with him, leave him alone. And if it turns out he lied to get laid, just console yourself that Kharma is a b!tch.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 7
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 7:39:58 AM
Whoa. Talk about a surprise. How terrible.

OP,

I truly am sorry about his cancer, and your burden, and having to be in the middle of such a terrible situation but if he hasn't reached out to you and neither you to him, then he would probably prefer things to stay that way.

He already explained to you what could happen if the two of you were to carry on, and perhaps he'd rather not continue putting you through his current situation.

Just an observation.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 8
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History
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 8:13:31 AM
It's a new relationship and your choice as to whether you want to pursue it or not. He will most likely be going through hell for the next few months and has given you an out if you need to. He probably has many friends or relatives to turn to for comfort.
My sympathetic side tells me to text or call good wishes as you would with any friend dealing with such bad news but let him decide if you are dating any longer. He may not have the energy for a new relationship.
My cynical side hates to think this way, but he sob storied you into bed before you were supposedly ready and is pulling away now.
 Annielikeslyrics
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 9
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 12:02:29 PM
Even when the diagnosis turns out to be negative, this is scary city. Both my friend and I both had a recent cancer scare and we were both a mess while it was going on. Keep reaching out in non-demanding ways. And don't text a million times a day. Try a weekly phone call or email.
 NowSucksLess
Joined: 2/4/2010
Msg: 10
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 12:23:47 PM
My younger brother died of cancer 12 weeks ago. During his year of treatment, however, I met a number of people that also had cancer who experienced many years of good health following treatment. The medical profession has come a long way in treatment success. Whatever you both do as a couple, good luck to both of you.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 11
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 12:29:26 PM
Some of the people that are diagnosed with cancer have the tendency to harm or destroy their own personal relationships. Why? I have no idea, but I have seen this happen before. It happened to me when my gf went through Chemo and the Steroids. You are going to have to be stronger and actually try to reach out. The cancer patient is going to go through some depression, self deprecating moods, fear of death. They also will want to protect others by saying "why do you want to be with me when I have or may die or may whatever." This are really common scenarios. Cancer has brought together some people, but it has also split others apart.

So good luck.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 12
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 2:15:49 PM

I have been dating this guy for a month


So now he has cancer?

You know what I find weird about this story is, the guy tells you he has cancer, and you were good enough to have sex with it but since then he's decided to wallow in silence leaving you out of the loop, leaving you wondering what should you do?

That is very selfish on his part, assuming he has this cancer as he claims? I find it weird that a man would confide in you and you guys appear to be growing close and now he's disappeared like a mobster in witness protection?


I agree.

Sorry op..Either way He sounds like a real *****

First of all 4 weeks into knowing him, he all of a sudden knows everything about prostrate cancer? Tells you after sex..pulease.

Nah, it is a lie IMO.

Makes him a real **** like I said.
Move on..He has made it clear in my eyes he wants nothing to do with you.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 13
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History
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 2:32:11 PM

That is very selfish on his part, assuming he has this cancer as he claims? I find it weird that a man would confide in you and you guys appear to be growing close and now he's disappeared like a mobster in witness protection?

it's easy to see the rational course and make the rational judgment from the calm, safe place of good health and emotional distance. this guy doesn't have anything like that. he just learned has one of the most terrifying fates known to man - cancer. i don't care who you are and how much you know about cure rates and early detection and all that - the C word is gonna scare the living shit out of you.

if he's gone into a shell, well, that's not an unusual reaction for a terrified person. same if he's not thinking much about someone he's known for only a month. or maybe he IS thinking of her, and believes cutting off contact spares her fallout from the emotions he's feeling and wouldn't wish on anyone. irrational? sure. unreasonable for a man in his position? not really.
 TheReason_
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 14
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Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 2:56:34 PM
Why can't you be romantically involved? my dad beat prostate cance, if detected early, chances are pretty good that he CSM beat it as well. Intimacy doesn't always mean intercourse. Sooner or later, whether you are 50, 60, 70, 80 a guy just might not be able to perform. Not really a reason to discard him.

I say get in contact with him and see what's what.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 15
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History
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 2:59:38 PM

That stood out like a sore thumb, she was good enough to have sex with but now he's withdrawn?? come on

the sex and closeness happened before the positive result. the withdrawal happened after. there's a huge difference between the feelings of 'i might have cancer' and 'i do have cancer.'
 SilentInk
Joined: 3/20/2010
Msg: 16
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 3:48:18 PM
I really can't even believe some of these awful comments. First of all when a person hears the word cancer usually to most people it means a death sentence. I remember when my grandma first got diagnosed she wouldn't pick up the phone nor reply to our letters (she lives in Russia) for over 3 month. She has been living healthy and well after the diagnosis for 10 years now, but of course when she first heard the word cancer her whole world came crushing down I am sure. Yes that happens to people in stressful situations, and this being an over the top hard to deal with situation, withdrawal is perfectly normal. I do not blame this poor man for not picking up the phone on the OP, because first of all they haven't even dated a long time so he probably doesn't feel like he can confide in her. Second of all he is probably thinking there won't be any light in the end of the tunnel for him (which usually happens to people that receive such awful diagnosis), therefore he sees no reason to be a weeping soul that rains on her parade. He is probably in a pretty whiney mode right now, why me etc., so I am sure the last thing he wants to do is whine to a lady he just met.

I seriously don't get some people on these forums though. Y'all really have your guards up to the point of even having the nerve to say he is making up cancer to get some nookie? Are you serious? What kind of cold hearted monster would do that, plus as David pointed out they got intimate before the positive result. It’s not like he “magically” got cancer in their relationship exactly at the 4 week mark.

The best thing in my eyes OP, since I certainly don’t think this man is making up cancer as stated by some other posters, is to give your guy space. This is a very hard time for him, so put yourself in his shoes. Even though I am guessing his cancer was found early on, I still believe he is thinking in ‘life or death’ terms right now. This is bigger to him than a relationship he had for 4 weeks, even though you guys had a great connection going and all. Once he gets his thoughts together, and figures out the procedures he has to go through etc., I am sure he will touch bases with you, if he ever cared about you that is.
 E_keys
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 17
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 4:11:16 PM
I hope you don't listen to the cynical posts suggesting the man was dishonest or even selfish in withdrawing. If that closeness you gave him is the last one he remembers for a while, that can be a gift.

I think you can "be there for him" each time he answers you - you can call once a week a couple times and he may eventually say "thanks for calling even though I don't always answer".

Be careful about going on too long though. You haven't known each other long, he might be withdrawing from his own mother right now, he might be mobbed with helpful friends while he's grieving and scared.

One way to look at it, if he's under this stress, he doesn't have the resources to tell his new date what she needs to know. Sometimes, something has to give. If you send too many unanswered "supportive" messages, you will hurt yourself not getting anything back. So use your judgement and don't overreach your emotions.

I'm speaking to this from the experience I had when I was dating a man and both his parents died, within three weeks of each other. His needs and priorities went elsewhere, and he didn't have time to "break up with me properly".

That said, I'm wishing your situation the best, and if there's good news you should post!
 softy63
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 18
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 6:43:47 PM

I would go with a gentle email or call just letting him know you feel for him, and would like to offer whatever support he needs,


I agree. I would email or text saying something like: "hope you're doing okay. Thinking of you. If you need a chat or would like to catch up, i'll be here for you. Take good care."

If he doesn't respond within a few days, I would construe that in two ways:
1. He lied to you to get sex and attention. (Which is a sick thing to do to someone.)
2. He really is ill and is concentrating on coming to terms with it. Therefore needing time and space.

Whichever the situation, I wish you all the best.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 19
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 6:56:04 PM
A few of you people in this thread couldn't be serious. Making up having cancer because he wanted to get laid and does not want anything to do with her? We can all be harsh, for the most part but a few of you are just taking it over board.
 SilentInk
Joined: 3/20/2010
Msg: 20
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 7:20:25 PM

he has sex with her before he found he had Cancer and he knew he was going in for test

Ever heard of sex being a good stress reliever? He was obviously stressed out pre-diagnosis, and she let him get intimate with her, so he took it and therefore released some steam. I don’t think he is in the wrong at all.
 wearred
Joined: 4/28/2009
Msg: 21
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 10:05:13 PM
Thanks for all the replies...

My post is not about he using me for sex, or me having doubts about him being ill; it's about how to handle his withdrawal since I'm confused about which path to follow, reach out to him and show I care or respect his silence and leave him alone.

He has cancer, I'm 100% sure... and I'm deeply sorry it's that way.

Now for the sex part; I mentioned it in my post as just another fact of the many I considered I needed to disclose to be able to get the most objective advice. He didn't do or act anything different after sex, was the same guy before and after, then I don't have any reason to relate his present behavior with us being intimate.

His behavior changed after he was told the bad news, so for me, and the cynical can call me naive, that's the reason he decided to withdraw.

It's so easy make judgements in cold, but I'm not in his mind, I don't feel his pain, I don't feel his fear. From my comfortable position of being healthy physically and emotionally I could say I would never act this way but the truth is I don't know. In any case, I would gladly take the sadness I'm feeling -for him- and the silent treatment 10 more times cause they can't be compared with what he's facing. He will be fine, but has to walk a long road that is not easy.

I will keep you posted and also I will reply some of the post here that deserve a good answer from me.... Thanks again
 wearred
Joined: 4/28/2009
Msg: 22
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 11:41:21 PM

god i really hate to be cynical...


Do you?


if there is no communication there can be no real relationship and not even any road to the beginning of one... there can only be "let's fuk and pretend like it means something"


So according to you if he doesn't communicate with me as before after has been informed he has a serious illness I have to assume it's not because that but because he ****3d me and pretended it means something.... Yeah, got your thinking process; it's all about the fu6k and nothing about those emotions like fear and uncertainty that for sure are freaking him out... Give me a break!


if he doesn't want to talk to you then i hate to say i'd begin to think it has everything to do with his prostate, but nothing to do with his diagnosis.


I was dating a man not a stallion... He's more than his prostate. I see you find difficult to grasp the concept that people is more than glands. Being a man doesn't make him immune to emotions or fears.


prostate cancer is not that big a deal when caught early


Yeah sure.... Not big deal until it happens to YOU. Thanks God you don't have a prostate!
 wearred
Joined: 4/28/2009
Msg: 23
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 11:54:54 PM

You know what I find weird about this story is, the guy tells you he has cancer, and you were good enough to have sex with it but since then he's decided to wallow in silence leaving you out of the loop, leaving you wondering what should you do?


Sex happens even before the biopsy. If you take the time to read my post and follow the story line correctly you will see he didn't disappear 'like a mobster in witness protection' after we were intimate but after he got his diagnosis.


That is very selfish on his part, assuming he has this cancer as he claims?


Claim a cancer to get laid... Don't you think you are going way over the top with that assumption? It's ok to be cynical dude, but don't let that takes away your common sense.
 wearred
Joined: 4/28/2009
Msg: 24
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 12:05:05 AM

Sorry op..Either way He sounds like a real *****

First of all 4 weeks into knowing him, he all of a sudden knows everything about prostrate cancer? Tells you after sex..pulease.

Nah, it is a lie IMO.

Makes him a real **** like I said.
Move on..He has made it clear in my eyes he wants nothing to do with you.


Hey, I know my English is kinda crazy but where in post says he knows everything about PC... Actually I think he knows very little and is making wrong assumptions about the probable outcome. Hope his doctors get him straight soon!

Tells me after sex???? How, when, where??? I appreciate the time you all take to reply the suffering OPs like myself, but you have to read -twice maybe?- before replying. You got all mixed up...

Yes, seems he doesn't want nothing to do with me; is his prerrogative. From there to be the a&&hole you are portraying there's a long distance.
 NarcissusTemple
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 25
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 3:15:36 AM
Hey OP, thanks for sharing your story. I'm surprised that the intimacy issues were morphed into a game by some when it's clear, at least to some of us, that it was a mutual exchange of affection.

I have a guy friend in his late 40s who recently met a woman online.
They dated for several months and things were going very well when she was diagnosed with breast cancer.
He was there for her, but ultimately she asked him to step away from the relationship because she didn't have the energy to dedicate to developing it.
There was mention that they might try to pick up the relationship later if he was still unattached.
He was sad to have to let go, but of course he had to respect her wishes.
I suspect that, while she really liked him, their relationship hadn't developed to the point where he could be the go-to support in her life.
It's possible that is the reason for this man's withdrawal.

What ever the reason, my suggestion would be to call or write and present the options you're willing to offer. Let him choose.
You said you'd respectfully step aside, or be there for support. Let him know this. What ever the answer, be it silence or a reply, the gesture of making the contact will be genuine and appreciated.

Tell him there is a group of cyber-strangers rooting for him. Good luck to you both.
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