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Show ALL Forums  > Plentyoffish Site/Suggestions/Help  > When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 ~breathlesshush~
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 1
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?Page 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
1. I'm looking for casual dating, no commitment.
2. I want to date but nothing serious.
3. I want a relationship.
4. I am putting in serious effort to find someone.
5. I am serious and want to find someone to marry.

So big fish, what is this used to determine? I can't speak for others,
but my "intent" changes periodically...sometimes it's #1,
sometimes it's #2, and even #3 enters my mind as a feasible
option.

So if I pick #2 now, but then change my mind and really want #3,
can I go back and change it? What about those who just got
out of a relationship and so say choose #1, but in a few months
decide #3 or 4 best describe their intent?

And then there's the possibility that my definition of "I want to
date but nothing serious" isn't the same as a man's definition..

Or maybe I'm putting wayyyy to much thought into this...

 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 2
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/28/2010 8:43:15 AM
Aye, there's the rub... A major reason most people here stay single, besides there being far too many options, is variable intentions dependent on mood and who you are with at the moment. If you are unsure what your goals are, and they fluctuate with moods, how can anyone else begin to understand and complement your needs?

Bigfish may answer himself at some point, but in the meantime I will expound a bit.

In my book, the second greatest challenge in life is to find someone mutually compatible for a long-term Significant Other relationship. As you see, the challenge is huge because the other person's intentions are beyond anyone's control, and they can shift so often that few people know what their own goals are. How can we begin to understand another's intent?

Being required to choose an intent is a good start, it forces us to make some decisions that we may NEVER make otherwise. Which one best fits our long-term goals? Why do we have to choose, anyway? Why not continue our nearly permanent single status indefinitely?

For best results, get out IRL, go to your special interest fun group activities and make friends over time in PERSON. Develop long-term friendships the natural way by sharing common interests, and people will learn who you really are and what they share with you.

To have a friend, be a friend. Relationships will develop over time, the natural way. S
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 3
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/28/2010 9:19:44 AM
A major reason most people here stay single, besides there being far too many options, is variable intentions dependent on mood and who you are with at the moment. If you are unsure what your goals are, and they fluctuate with moods, how can anyone else begin to understand and complement your needs?

You could say that if the question the OP asked about was worded differently and allowed for choosing more than one option. It would be even better to provide for selecting multiple options for what you didn't want.

I was open to several of those option, and a few that aren't even listed, but marriage was not something I was looking for, yet I am getting married to someone I met here. I think intent has a lot to do with the individuals you actually meet and in any case that's presumably what the different categories are for. If a person selects a category that disguises his/her intent why would that person not do the same thing when answering the question above? In particular, the option, ``I want a relationship'' could mean anything from casual sex to marriage.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 4
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/28/2010 10:39:14 PM
I just wonder why this was added as part of the birth order question? Aren't they possibly different issues? Or is it a value pack deal? "I am the 15th child of still married parent who wants to get married-see my married parental pedigree to know I am marriage material". Blah, ugh, not buying it.

What I am looking for in dating can vary on so many factors that to have one pat answer is useles sin a way. And why is adding that some one is looking for marriage bad to add to a profile, BUT you can do a search for those seeking marriage? Wouldn't it help what ever almight computer program to match up marriage seekers by having both of those options working together? Or did I think too much?
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 5
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/29/2010 2:34:42 PM
Your many categories, while entertaining, are less useful for self-reported computer matching than a few basic generally used terms, IMO. Self-reported definitions are the major issues interfering with accurate matching, as everyone sees themselves through their own subjective filters, levels of introspection and veracity.

There may be some standardized tests of relationship intentions/needs out there, but our own "Blink" is what most people prefer to use to choose a SO. That is why more personal choices in who we see and what we search for is better than less options, and I wish Bigfish would bring back the "Remove username from MY MATCHES" option. S
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 6
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/29/2010 3:45:50 PM
In my observation and experience ... You seem smarter than the average bear, and I tend to agree with those observed generalizations. What some of us are doing here, is seeking the "not all" relationship partners. Most relationships begin with a "Blink" on one or both person's part. That "Blink" attraction matters immensely to whether or not any connection or "relationship" develops. Many men initially focus on that attraction and not much further, unless they have a wide and varied life experience with several fulfilling long-term relationships. For many men the long-term part evolves if they feel nurtured enough.

With age and experience men learn the benefits of lasting relationships over encounters, and can see beyond the "Blink" to try to determine if there is enough nurturing feelings and shared interests in common with a particular woman for the long term. Some of us more experienced men won't even begin a relationship unless we see that potential there.

Making wiser choices "Smart Women- Foolish Choices" is part of everyone's second greatest challenge in life, in my book, finding a compatible long-term SO relationship. S
 ~breathlesshush~
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 7
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 10:24:29 AM

I'm going to add it to the profiles. I don't think putting this person wants to get married on a profile is a good idea. So its going to be summerized as This user wants a relationship or This user does not want a relationship .


Herein lies the problem, IMO.

I still have not chosen anything from the list, because of this.
Right now I am at a place in my life where I am not actively
pursuing a relationship, but if the right person came along,
we began dating , and things went well, of course I would
be open to having an exclusive relationship.

Having something on my profile that says 'This user DOES NOT
want a relationship" will be detrimental in this regard,
IMO.

And there is of course, as Jinx pointed out, the likelihood that
men and women (most) have different definitions for what
constitutes dating and relationships.

I dunno, I just don't see how this is going to help people find
a good match.

 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 8
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 1:14:44 PM

From admin: Its now being forced...


Once again a NOW mandatory feature that will enable liars to say what they think others want to hear. Yay!(*sarcasm*) It's also going to open a new catagory of "whine" similar to "real woman/man" "good/nice woman/man" I.E. "If their profile says they want a relationship why not me?" etc etc. It will also give those looking to play games or lie a new layer to hide behind. In the end it will prove most likely as useless as the income feature, since high income or low or no income-the matches stayed the same.


About 30 % of people who selected dating want no commitments or relationships.


Which means 70% want commitment or relationships, but don't want to put the cart before the horse. Or are open to the option if the right person came along, but not going to thumb their nose at spending some fun times with another person along the way.

And what type of relationship does the person want? Relationship is a pretty broad term. Guess I'll start checking out all those other free dating sites advertised on here. So I guess I should be thankful for that. Since this site seems to be trying to push its members to its competition.
 ~breathlesshush~
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 9
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 1:19:31 PM

Its now being forced ...


Hmmm..in what way? Another question I have, is will
this be implemented into the search parameters as well?
Will there be drop downs saying "looking for relationship"
and "not looking for relationship"?


The major reason being people are selecting hang out or friends but really want long term relationships.. The whole friends before dating thing is causing confusion. About 30 % of people who selected dating want no commitments or relationships.


So you're basically forcing me (and others) to choose, right now,
if we want to casually date, or want a relationship. And, whatever
option we choose pigeonholes us. If I choose casually date, guys think
I'm an easy score, and I start getting hit up (even more) by pervs and
creeps. If I choose relationship, every guy thinks I'm looking to land me
a husband.

What is the purpose of this feature again? I'm not being facetious, I genuinely
don't see how it will improve anyone's odds.



IMO it doesn't really change much, and makes it easier to negatively misinterpret someone's intentions, all while giving simply one more thing to use to blame the other person and feel a victim.

IMO all this seems to be doing is attempting to give a false sense of guarantee of predefining the relationship people are going to get. As though POF is now guaranteeing the people that come here are "serious" and looking for a "serious" romantic relationship, and only romantic relationships.

Saying "this user does not want a relationship" can imply that they are actively working against any type of relationship . So what is the point in being here at all if someone is going to actively work against any type of relationship? Are people that then choose "this user does not want a relationship" (maybe because they think it means they are looking for one immediately, only means romantic relationship rather than simply friends or activity partner or hang out, or are going to try with every single person they meet and don't want to convey that message) then going to simply be ignored?
Is it going to become "you chose that you don't want a relationship? Then you must simply want sex or to use me."


This I agree with.

I guess we'll have to wait and see what the effects are of this
new feature. I just really don't like that I am being forced to choose
right now what I am looking for, and not have the option to change
it in the future.
 ~breathlesshush~
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 10
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 1:44:52 PM
So, this is what I just discovered on a profile
(I was randomly checking profiles for "intent"):



username isn't seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment.




username is looking for a relationship.


Are these the only two that will be showing up? If so, it leaves
a lot of grey area, IMO.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 11
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 2:09:24 PM
Well it appears that if you don't fill out your intent, you can't access or send messeges or edit your profile. Hence how administration is "FORCING" us to choose.

I guess that means my profile will show my intent as "Doesn't want a relationship" and my about me section explaining I refuse to have my "types" of possible relationships defined by POF. Guess It will just add more to my profile that people don't read. But since I use this to kee up with various friends as well as meet new people as friends or dates or networking, Blah. I'll comply, but since there aren't better options, I'll take the truthful one. NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP(on POF), but open to the possibility. I'll just have to edit my profile to explain it in detail. Grr. Forcing people to have to further explain something that should be part of initial convos. Helllo NANNY STATE. Ugh!

Ok done now since I will probably be locked out of this thread like I was the one about sibling order........ The thinngs we do for free entertainment.
 Transfixed
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 12
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 9:32:25 PM
I agree, this intent statement forced on our profiles is unacceptable, please either remove it or give users the option to select "none" so it doesn't show on their profile.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 13
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 10:52:02 PM
Part of basic human nature is attempting to actualize the feeling of having more control of our life, being able to make choices and guide ourselves into better experiences and environments. We can achieve much in many areas of life through hard work and dedication, a better job, house, lifestyle and health.

A successful marriage or SO long-term relationship IS the second greatest challenge in life because someone ELSE has at least 50% control of the partnership, and that is subject to each partner feeling that they have most of their needs met. Many people stay single forever because they can't manage to give up the fantasy of having complete control in their relationships. Relationships are about sharing a life and the uncertainty of another person's transitory feelings about us, making us feel so very vulnerable as not much else in life can.

We cherish our fantasy of being able to select nearly perfect partners, or reject others based on our own whims and specific criteria. When our choices are reduced or arbitrarily limited by any external force, many people lash out at the indignity of someone ELSE being able to exert any influence over us and our elusive freedom to choose.

Personally, I wish to have the freedom to "REMOVE username from MY MATCHES" back soonest, so I can feel the power of deleting profiles I don't like to see anymore... S
 Kelso
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 14
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 11:23:18 PM

The only change I would make to this is the option to change it if one truly has a change of heart in their intent.

You can. A drop down menu exists within the 'edit profile' section allowing one to change it at will.

OP asked (msg 24):

Are these the only two that will be showing up?


If you choose #1, the following shows on your profile:
“username” isn't seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment
If #2, get: “username” wants to date but nothing serious
If #3: “username” is looking for a relationship
If either 4 or 5: “username” is actively seeking a relationship
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 15
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/30/2010 11:49:26 PM
See now here's some of the problems as I see them.


<div class="quote">If you choose #1, the following shows on your profile:
“username” isn't seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment
If #2, get: “username” wants to date but nothing serious
If #3: “username” is looking for a relationship
If either 4 or 5: “username” is actively seeking a relationship

If I receive 4 emails a day, 1 could be the first option, 2 could be the third option, etc. But until I spend time with them IN PERSON, how am I to know which type they could be? But now I have to deal ot only with someone's potential disappointment(mine or their's) but the added pressure that I may have lied or mislead since maybe I do want a relationship just NOT with them. The "seeking dating" was enough clarification for me, this is nanny-stating the dating process and I almost feel slapped back to grade school by admin's forcing us to do this. Maybe it's time for nap time too?

I tried the "Not looking for a relationship or any kind of commitment" option. And thank you POF for helping me solicit UNWANTED intimate encounter type requests(guess that is a way to make sure "forums only" types get their share of unwanted requests). I had thought it was the best options since I thought commitment/relationships EVOLVED. Same with the "Nothing serious" option. Yea, thanks for helping me line up one-night booty-calls I didn't want. Craigslist is free for that kind of action if I had wanted it.

Yes, I would like a relationship(friendship etc.), but I don't want or expect it to show up on my doorstep in 24hrs. And this new option makes it sound like you are either desperate, or an easy lay. Awesome *sarcasm*! Thanks a lot. As if dating/relationships/meeting new people wasn't hard enough. I now have to filter even more. Wonder if I still have the Halloween pic of me in a straight jacket to help weed out people.........................
 Ed Bear
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 16
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/31/2010 12:31:39 AM
Well, today I tried to read mail and was told to choose my "Intent." My "Looking for" is already "Friends," and none of the options was consistent with NOT looking for a relationship OR dating! I chose "Relationship," expecting to come here to read more about it, but now it turns out it's part of the profile (unlike income) and I can't change it because my profile's been frozen since the Income Demand! So I'm showing as Looking for Friends AND a Relationship! And looking like a confused misleader, if not liar.

I see that some others got the option "NOT looking for a relationship..." Why not me, as I have "Friends" selected?

Geez. MOST of the users here want to meet people and, as in real life, perhaps find someone special. If we want to narrow the search, sure, but why have it narrowed for us?

The paternalistic attempt to impose selection on us is at variance with my (your mileage may vary) interest in meeting people and judging them for myself. I don't know if there's any point hanging round - I'm slow to leave any community where I feel welcome. But I rest comfortable in the knowledge that Markus doesn't give a damn if I stick around, and he'd probably rather I leave.
ED BEAR
 lyingcheat
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 17
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/31/2010 5:54:48 AM
None of those options describe my intent, so I won't answer.
I might shoehorn my intent into one of those categories, but that would mean I'd be making assumptions about what the category really means, and mentally creating a few qualifiers to allow me to fit it.
That alone seems to spell disaster for anyone reading my 'intent' and thinking it might gel with theirs, without even considering they might have gone through a similar set of mental compromises to squeeze themselves into the same category they now find themselves, and me, in.

I didn't answer the income question that was introduced a while ago either, for similar reasons. Besides, that one is irrelevant as far as I'm concerned. The only use I can see for that question, assuming I'd answered it, was as a pseudo filter so I didn't have to have anything to do with anyone who thought income meant something.

Not answering the income question means I haven't been able to edit my profile ever since it was introduced, and now, not answering the question about my intent means I can't look at or respond to mail I receive.
Maybe I'm here to find someone? Maybe I'm not? Either way, I prefer to use my own judgement, and methods, to achieve my aims rather than have someone elses idea of what works ie; their judgement and methods, foisted on me unwillingly.

So... apologies to anyone that writes to me - I know it seems rude to leave your emails sitting there unread until they expire and disappear, but I can't read, or respond, to emails anymore.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 18
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/31/2010 6:21:59 AM
Moderation in all things, someone once said... The internet with computer matching sites just widens our communication with potential partners across the world, which may help find our SO if we don't scare them away first with antagonistic argumentative viewpoints.
Dating is not just for a lark, the attitude some may carry to the local beach bars.
Neither is it necessarily the cause of inevitable suffering, as Woody Allen/jinx predicts.
It is come as you are communication styles, conflict resolution styles and skills that we each bring to the second greatest challenge of life.

PROXIMITY has been identified in studies as the primary factor allowing people to make connections and get to know each other over time, the most commonly described way that couples have self-reported their relationship began. Likely that proximity is in the workplace, as there are few community ice cream socials anymore. The old ways of meeting people at social events in your community, getting to know them in PERSON over time seemed to work well. The choices were somewhat limited then, and that may have allowed us to pay more attention to the few we liked.

Here on POF we enjoy the freedom to argue with multitudes of potential matches across continents before ever meeting anyone. One wonders if our communication would be more subdued if some of us forum debaters met in person at an ice cream social party in San Diego in July... Or if we have just primed each other for future debates without ever intending to meet and look into each others eyes... S
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 19
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/31/2010 6:26:31 AM
Oh my gosh, this is nuts.
You have to pick one of those things for on your profile now?

My intent here?
Can't be cubbyholed into one silly sentence.
But the "fast-easy-now" world today seems to want things to be that way.

I'm more complex... I'm much more interesting than that.
NOTHING in my life can be put into one silly sentence and show the full meaning.
 ~breathlesshush~
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 20
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/31/2010 7:41:38 AM
So I caved, and made a selection.
I chose what seemed to be the lesser of 2 evils...
I am now looking for a relationship, rather
than being perceived as an easy mark.

I am relieved to see that we can change our
intent whenever we want to. That was one
of my main concerns, as I have had one semi ltr
since I've been on here but stayed for the forums.

Wouldn't want to mislead anyone were it to happen
again.

Big Fish has decided it's no longer a choice,
and has made it mandatory to choose and
display our intent. As always, if we want to
swim in his pond, we have to play by his rules,
arbitrary as they may be.

~shrugs~
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 21
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/31/2010 8:16:11 AM

As long as people don't lie about their intentions of being here
People tend to lie more often when forced to respond to something they're not comfortable with answering with the truth.
 xxmistyxx
Joined: 6/18/2009
Msg: 22
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/31/2010 8:44:50 AM
Signed into mail

Click read mail
Taken to intent question
Answer intent question ..answered seriously looking
Taken to login page
Log in again
Taken to intent question
Answer intent question.... as above answer
Taken to log in
log in again

And so on and so on...
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 23
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/31/2010 8:58:07 AM
There is no option for my intent - or lack of intent.

All say "looking for" when I don't look, or "doesn't want" when I'm not against. I'm social and open, but otherwise here for forums.

I'm not on mission to land a husband nor am I seriously opposed to any type of decent or serious relationship should one develop.
 *Eiledon*
Joined: 8/6/2007
Msg: 24
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/31/2010 9:57:09 AM

...It's now being forced...


Whatever is next?

One day we'll log on and be expected to snap to attention, clicking our heels together and giving the Hitler salute while yelling, "SIEG HIEL!" ?!

"Forced" people have a tendency to 'stuff it to the man' anyway they can, so I wonder how 'useful' your coerced info will ultimately be?

I have swingers contacting me and my missus all the time because having 'Friends' selected doesn't preclude being married, and we're 'lumped' together with all other 'married/PNTS', regardless of what THEY are looking for.

Yet ANOTHER 'forced' feature that only serves to antagonize the masses.

One day that goose will be DEAD.

R.I.P.
 WeeeSplatt
Joined: 4/26/2008
Msg: 25
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When it comes to dating what best describes your intent?
Posted: 5/31/2010 11:35:16 AM
Ouch, I just got caught by that myself... WTF?

I can't give an honest answer, because it really depends on the other person! I'm quite happy for a bit of slap and tickle, or some dates, or a relationship, or maybe even more, but who know until you have met the person! Relationships develop. That's how they work. How many married people actually went for that first date with the intention of it being "long term/serious"?
So I picked "relationship", as in my book that pretty much covers everything, just with a varying run time!

Personally I always find profiles that said "Long term" to sound a little desperate!

Having said all that it does amuse me that so many of the profile which have "friends/email/activity partner" as the "looking for" now show "xxxxxxx is looking for a relationship"... Is this how females operate? Entrapment? Well okay, we knew that anyway :o)

Come into my web said the spider to the fly
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